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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Was DP crap while DD was in hospital?

44 replies

BedraggledRock · 18/09/2019 22:55

I'm really tired, I've had a shit few days and there's no one around to talk to. Also, there is a backstory, its not my intention to drip feed but Id really like perspective on this by itself.

Background DD is 8, been with the DP 5.5 years, we've all lived together for 3.5. DD's dad is very involved but she and DP are also very close. DP always very vocal about our 'little family' and about how much he loves 'the girls'.

At the weekend DD was at her dad's but she had a virus and was suffering with her asthma. ExH called at one point to say he was worried about her and I went over while he called NHS direct. An ambulance was sent and we spent the night in a and e then she was admitted.

ExH and I shared staying over for 3 nights and making sure she had at least one of us with her all the time. I also had to juggle a freelance work commitment I couldn't moss and attend a job interview, which I wanted to just cancel really. It was poor DDs first hospital stint and the worst asthma she's ever had by far.

DP has coincidentally had the last four days off work. He was great on the first night, coming to the hospital at 1am as I didn't have my car and then popped into see DD in the morning.

Monday PM I called him about something but he sounded really distracted, he was obviously engrossed on his computer. He didn't even ask about DD, although I suppose he'd seen her earlier. He had said he wanted to go and see her again in the evening but I text him an hour before visiting time ended and he didn't see the message on his phone. He was obviously engrossed again on his computer.

That evening DD got worse and it was a pretty sucky night. When everything calmed down at about midnight, I picked my phone up, no message off DP asking how we were. I text to tell him about DD and say goodnight. He didn't see the message for an hour or so, so had obviously been busy on his computer and hadn't stopped to wonder how we were.

Next morning he messaged to ask if we wanted breakfast bringing. The hospital don't provide breakfast so I said yes please, we're starving. We live 10 minutes away but it took him an hour and a half to get there.

I asked him to change the beds and hoover upstairs for when we got home so DD could sleep in clean, dust free surroundings and he said he would.

Tues night I went home as exH was sleeping at the hospital. No housework had been done and DP was on his computer again. He said he'd do the housework in the morning and rushed out to get some tea as there was no food in the house and he 'hadn't had chance' to go shopping.

This morning, I left early for the hospital and told DP that hopefully I'd be bringing DD home lunchtime. Luckily, the night had gone well and we were allowed home.

When we walked in, DP was on his computer. He'd picked things off the floor and done half of the bathroom but that was about it.

I changed the sheets and hoovered while DD stayed downstairs. Not the end of the world, but hardly the return home to a nice clean bed that I wanted for her. The one she'd have had if I'd done the beds myself which I would have done had DP just been honest and said he wasn't going to bother.

The sink was full of dishes. I settled DD and started doing them. DP then took over and obviously out of guilt, hoovered the living room. I then gave him a shopping list as there was still no food in and DD was hungry.

I just feel like he's been crap. He prides himself on being very family orientated and thoughtful but I think he let us down.

How annoyed would you be? If at all? I'm not sure if my high level of annoyance is because I'm tired and stressed and I've got a general downer on him because of other things going on at the moment

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 18/09/2019 23:01

Nohe sounds crap.

He hasn't visited DD since the first day a. the has done nothing in the house knowing you'd be back and is only doing it now out of guilt.

Utterly craap he's spent 4 days gaming instead of supporting you and DD

BedraggledRock · 18/09/2019 23:03

To be fair he did visit both days, the second day he brought breakfast albeit late.

But yes, he did nothing else but spend time on his computer

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 18/09/2019 23:05

Crap he didn’t keep the place tidy at all ask after or support you

chickenyhead · 18/09/2019 23:07

Wow

His priorities are all over the place. Sorry but what is on his computer that trumps his family?

I would be furious, but would get some sleep before having a little chat

testingtesting111 · 18/09/2019 23:08

Beyond crap. I know others will say it's an overreaction but I seriously would be questioning things. It's not just being lazy, he's shown a complete lack of interest in your child's condition and given you absolutely no support.

NotBeingRobbed · 18/09/2019 23:09

He’s been having a little holiday while you have both been suffering - and up to God knows what on the computer. You are right to be furious!

MitziK · 18/09/2019 23:12

Yep, he was crap.

Thing is, does he understand how serious asthma can be? A lot of people assume you chuck a kid a thing of salbutamol and everything's hunky dory, especially when there's a parent there at all times.

If he'd still have spent his time gaming/on YouTube instead of cleaning up, then he'd be a dickhead instead of a bit of a knob.

SleepingStandingUp · 18/09/2019 23:13

He brought breakfast thst took an hour and a half to deliver. I only hope it was good and delivered on a gold plate by a unicorn.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/09/2019 23:19

He's absolute shit. It's when a crisis happens that you learn what someone is really made of. He's made of shit.

readitandwept · 18/09/2019 23:25

He sounds pretty crap. That's not a partner and not how a family operates.

When you say backstory, are you the OP whose partner was insisting he'd be going to parents, seemingly regardless of yours and ex's opinions on it?

AtrociousCircumstance · 18/09/2019 23:29

He’s a flaky, unreliable, self absorbed, immature waste of space.

chamenanged · 18/09/2019 23:31

Not even hoovering for a kid who's been in hospital with asthma is all kinds of grim.

BetweenTheMoon · 18/09/2019 23:36

What was he actually doing on his computer?? He doesn't give a shit about your daughter OP. He just says what you want to hear when you need to hear it.

Sorry.

Cucuclown99999 · 18/09/2019 23:37

I would be very upset. Especially the hoovering because of the dust. So he should have been very conscious of that.
Is he usually like this?

Wheelerdeeler · 18/09/2019 23:38

Get rid.

A little girl that he lives with was in hospital and he wasn't even texting for updates???? Not reading your messages? Couldn't even have a nice clean house for her?

He's showing you who he is.

Itslookinglikeabeautifulday · 18/09/2019 23:44

So when he was spending all that time on the computer, was he working or gaming? Very, very poor show if it was the latter.....

Musti · 18/09/2019 23:44

I've done more for a friend whose husband was at the hospital whilst looking after my own 4 kids etc than your DP has done for you.

Apileofballyhoo · 19/09/2019 00:05

Does he work?

Mrskeats · 19/09/2019 00:13

I would do more for a neighbour.
What’s he on the computer all the time for?
Get rid

WizardOfAus · 19/09/2019 00:16

What is on his computer that’s so enthralling?!

DialANumber · 19/09/2019 00:21

I would be so disappointed!

I don't really understand the attraction of gaming so I'm the wrong person to ask but you shouldn't have to request basic chores be completed or suggest food is bought.

He sounds like a selfish, immature student, not a supportive partner/stepfather.

kateandme · 19/09/2019 00:35

irritted,angry,sad.this would really really bother me.and if this was my dad having done this id be really really sad.

MsDogLady · 19/09/2019 00:38

He was detached and unreliable from Monday morning on. When you really, really needed him to ‘walk the walk’ for DD and you, he didn’t. His priority was the computer.

How old is this manchild?

timeisnotaline · 19/09/2019 00:42

He was shit. The hoovering and sheets were essential health measures not just basic hygiene given the asthma. I’d be totally pissed off. ‘Are you having another at home holiday this weekend I should allow for or is that behaviour only for when dd is sick in hospital?’

StVincent · 19/09/2019 00:48

Really so crap and sad.

Hope your daughter is feeling loads better now?

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