Partner has put on weight, would you say anything?

[Bookaholic73]

My partner has put on quite a bit of weight over the last few months and to be honest it’s a bit of a turn off.
He says we should eat healthier, but then eats HUGE portions plus pudding and snacks.
He knows the problem is how much he eats, but doesn’t seem to put any effort in, even when he says the weight gain is bothering him.

He was annoyed because when we both weighed ourselves this week, he had gained another stone and I have lost a pound.

Would you say anything to your partner about the weight gain being a turn off?

@SimonJT that’s a bit shit isn’t it! Good job he is an ex.
My partner has various health issues and feels much better when he eats better, so I really want him to eat better for that reason too!

Love and physical attraction are too different things.

The other normal response is we all change as we age. So you need to get it on or accept you're unreasonable
.

@CloudyWithAChance2 yeah we have quite a jokey relationship generally. But while he thought it was ok to take the piss and I didn’t take it to heart, I am not sure he is taking his weight gain as seriously as he should.

@Bluntness100
Is spot on, sometimes MN is very 1950s, be good don’t rock the boat.
Can you cook less so there’s no leftovers? Serve it on a smaller plate and meal plan, don’t buy snacky type foods.
Be honest, tell him you’re very worried and he’s loosing his gorgeous looks 😉

When I put weight on my husband kept telling me, so yes I would tell him if he had.

While he might complain about his weight he’s not unhappy enough if he’s carrying on overeating as you describe. In what period of time did he gain a stone while you lost a pound? There’s a reason he’s piling on weight but I think I’d just put a stop to whatever self deprecating bollocks he’s coming out with about being too big or being unhappy about it. “I wish I was thinner, I’m so fat” - reply “yup, I’m making an effort to cook and eat healthier as we discussed and you’re eating double portions. I’m doing my bit, you’re going to keep getting fatter if you eat a lot”. Don’t pander as it’s pointless. You’re right, you’re not his mother and it’s not your job to police his eating but you can tell him you’re not impressed that he’s claiming to want to change and be healthier, to lessen his health issues, but still putting on weight.

I don’t think you have much to gain by mentioning his lessening attraction unless he brings it up (in which case you can agree he was a bit better looking when you first met or whatever). If you do and he gets angry or depressed he’ll eat to make himself feel better.

@Bookworm4 I hadn’t actually thought of cooking less, but that’s a really good idea. Thank you.

The smaller plate works as he still sees a full plate 😉 be sneaky 😉

Think of it this way, how would you feel if he told you, you had put on a lot of weight?

Definitely cook less and switch to smaller plates. If he asks why his portions have gotten smaller, tell him the truth. You are no longer going to be complicit in his weight gain.

Maybe you could start to buy less food so that there are no left overs for him to eat. Also, never buy puddings etc.

But when it comes to it, he overeats, saying it tastes nice.

In regards to emotional eating, I don’t think so. He has always been a bit chunkier, but over the past few years he has packed it on a bit. But the past 3 months it’s more noticeable.

Eating past hunger IS likely to have an emotional cause. Especially if there has been a change in the last 3 months.

I think people who claim that they aren't bothered by partners putting on loads of weight are lying. How can it not bother you? Aren't you concerned about their health? Are you really turned on by blobby? We as a nation have completely lost touch with normal.portions of healthy food and normal sized and shaped people.

Urgh yuck I can't stand this type of post. You're accusing me of being a liar before I've even posted and come into your awareness, because of how I feel/don't have a strong change of feelings.

How can it not bother me? That's a question that doesn't make any sense. My answer is is just doesn't. How much I fancy my partner doesn't seem to be linked to how heavy or light he is. I understand that this isn't the case for other people, and I privately consider it a bit weird and shallow but accept that that's how you feel - why are you not willing to afford me the same?

Of course I'm concerned about their health in general. Right now I'm concerned because my partner drinks tonnes of diet soda per day (he is dieting; i would rather he put his effort into getting to like or tolerate drinking water than where to get his artificial sweetener fix from but his choice) more than I am about his size. I know 97% of people who diet put it all back on plus some, so dieting doesn't make any sense to me, living a healthy lifestyle overall does. I have had enough issues in my relationship with my own body to know that I would be extremely careful to comment on somebody else's.

I'm turned on by him. Size is in a mostly immaterial box to me.

when I gained half a stone last year, he constantly took the piss!
Isn't this a much bigger problem, and an even bigger turn off?

Please don't tell him it's a turn off. It won't help and will just depress him. Ask him what will help him.

@ISmellBabies not in a nasty way, in a joking way. That’s the kind of relationship we have, very jokey. He wasn’t being cruel.

@Reversiblesequinsforadults I’ve already asked, cooked for him, helped him/us come up with a healthy meal plan etc.

@Wauden I don’t see how it’s my job to baby him. He should be making the decisions for himself.

You've actually never thought of cooking less? Really?

It's worse when it's the woman who gains weight, but generally you're supposed to want to fuck someone because you love them, like some form of mythical, magical experience, and their physical appearance become irrelevant in mumsnet land. Not wishing to fuck them makes you shallow and apparantly means you don't love them.

Both DP and I have fluctuations on weight of about 3 stone. We both still fancy the pants off each other regardless and have a very active sex life. He judges himself harshly but to me he’s gorgeous no matter how much he weighs.

I’m a size 18 and he’s probably the equivalent size for a man. I was a 12-14 when we met and he was similarly leaner. It honestly doesn’t matter in terms of attraction. Obviously I want him to be healthy and I encourage him to go for walks and to the gym etc but that’s not for weight loss, more for stamina and strength.

No. I would suggest long walks together. Preferably during one of his evening eating times.

Would he consider joining something like slimming world with you? If you both go and you play up the let's both get in shape for the health benefits aspect then he will hopefully feel more accountable about what he eats. Having the weekly weigh in focuses the mind and they do retrain you so you think about food differently. Turn weight loss into a bit of a competition with him maybe?

I would just tell him a really horrible story about a guy dying at 45 from being quite overweight and having a heart attack.

Although, I read an article that it is in fact over consumption of alcohol, excessive exercise and smoking that causes more heart attacks than people being overweight!

There's overweight then there's obese. Most people can carry 2-3 stone extra and be perfectly healthy but beyond that, there's an issue.

How overweight is he? I was 11 stone and a size 12/14 before I had my son and now I'm 12 and a half stone and a size 16 and I think it's fine. I don't feel super confident but I don't cringe when I see myself naked. I should be around 10 and a half stone according to guidelines so currently 2 stone overweight.

My husband is around 17 stone but he's 6ft 5. He is the same, around 2 stone overweight. We never really get more than 2 stone overweight. We go between slightly over ideal to 2 stone over, usually at the same time.

No health issues for either of us as I'm very aware that being more than 2 stone overweight isn't good so I go into action mode for both of us if it seems we might go over that!

Weight aside, you don't have to have sex you don't want.

If you are no longer attracted to him, you are perfectly within your rights to say no.

I think you should be honest. It doesn't make you a bad person or shallow. We should all want our partners to be healthy. It's all very well loving and being accepting of their weight no matter what but if they're unhealthy they will probably die a lot younger or develop health problems at a pretty young age that affect their and your quality of living.
If anything if you really love your partner you wouldn't just say nothing and let them become more unhealthy!!

If you're in charge of the cooking, cook just enough for one meal. Then there aren't any leftovers. I know it's a pain to keep cooking every meal with strict portion control, most of us use leftovers for a complete other meal but it may help him in a reasonably easy way if you just don't provide double helpings of food. And don't buy snacks.

Biscuits are my downfall so I never buy them. Ever. Can't eat a whole packet, which is what I would do, if they're not there.

I think that as equal partners in a relationship you are within your rights to tell him how you're feeling and he is within his rights to then either decide to at least try to be healthier, or to continue on as he is. And then you are within your rights to consider with if his decision is a deal breaker for you.