Please can you tell me about divorce and how long it took for everyone to ‘feel better’

[Justagoldfish]

I’m really struggling at the moment, really really struggling. I got married aged 20 and have now been married for 18 years, two children, nine and three.
Im not happy. There are several reasons but I don’t know if any of them are good enough to destroy everyone’s lives. I’m not in love with dh. I care about him. But I was so young when we married (he’s 11 years my senior) and I just feel I’ve changed so much.
He works hard and has a good job - I’ve been in fairly low earning jobs since the Dc as dh is also away a lot and I have a chronic health condition so I absolutely appreciate that he supports us financially (I don’t have access to the finances though - he refers to it as his money and all decisions are his).
So he works hard - he does very little with the children. Some weeks nothing at all. He can be away in the week and then he’s out most of the weekend. If he left i don’t think my younger dc would notice that much, although my older dc would be more aware. He’s never taken them to the park, swimming, cinema. He’s never done bathtime, bedtime twice in nearly ten years, dinner. But he does work hard so maybe that’s fair.
We don’t do anything together. We don’t go out anywhere. We don’t really talk. He tells me he loves me and the dc but some weeks they see him probably less than four or five hours. Especially the younger one who is in bed earlier. There is an element of control - financially and also he tells me when I can and can’t go out and where I can and cannot go. For example - friends suggested a night out in London and a show - and I’m not allowed to go, supposedly because it isn’t ‘safe.’
But. That said. Is it bad enough to put everyone through a divorce? I don’t want to hurt dh. He would be devastated.
How does it really pan out? Is it all just horrendous? How long until it feels less horrendous? I don’t know where we’d go. I know they always say don’t leave the house but we’d have no choice because he definitely wouldn’t. I could buy him out of this house but it would take time and in the interim I don’t know what would happen.
I feel like I’m living a lie at the moment. It’s making me anxious and fraught. I feel like this cannot be my permanent but then I feel so horribly guilty about breaking up the family for really no reason other that I stupidly got married too young and I just want more - even being on my own I would be able to make my own decisions. I look at my children and I could weep.

I feel really trapped. I know what I want to do - but I’m going to ruin lives.

No. You're not going to ruin lives.

He has no right to forbid you going anywhere. It's appalling he gives you no access to finances.

His complete lack of parenting and control of you is abusive. Please realise that.

Wow OP - he's really done a number on you.
This is control and abuse.
You are 38 years old.
You will be in London with others.
What is not 'safe' about it?
That's really by the by because you can and should be able to do what ever you want.
He's controlling.
He's financially abusive.
He's a terrible male role model for your DC.
Please get yourself free of this 'man'.
It's not all horrendous but it's no picnic.
You will need some legal advice.
Do you have access to paperwork?
His wage slip?
Do you know how much he earns?
Do you have savings?
Other assets?

This is a horrible life to live OP and a horrible example to set your DC.
Do you have family and friends you can talk to?
Please contact Womens Aid - google their local number or call them 0808 2000 247.
Does he check your phone? Don't worry if he does because that number will not appear on any phone bills.
And if he does ensure you close down mumnet every time you log out and delete your browsing history.

This is no way to live OP.
You have another 40+ years to live.
Do you want to live it like this?

He earns in excess of £120k.
His input with the children is very low but is it bad enough to leave? I will lose them to him every other weekend at least and he will tell them it is my fault if they are upset because I left him.
Im so torn. It doesn’t feel enough for me, what we have. He eats dinner and then watches tv for hours - usually something no one else wants to watch. And that’s it. Or he’s not here. One of the other. But my children, they are happy. I think if we could stay in the house not so bad, but the upheaval of moving as well. I don’t know. It seems a lot of change all at once.

He also says it’s not safe for me to be out after dark. I have to text him whenever I arrive anywhere / leave anywhere. Even in the summer when it’s light.
I’m not allowed to catch the train after dark.

Yes, it's bad enough to leave! And you're a saint having put up with it for so long. The thing with being in an abusive relationship is that they convince you that this is all you deserve and you shouldn't complain.
You're not living right now with the control he exercises over you but you've become 'institutionalised' almost so it feels like it's not so bad and you can't leave.
Honestly, the rest of your life is waiting for you so don't waste it with this man.

You are entitled to 50% of marital assets, as a starting point. Plus if he earns that much you could get spousal support as well - and you will definitely get child maintenance. But speak to solicitor (many do a free 30mins or hour consultation initially).
I know seeing your children less sounds awful and for me that was the worst thing about separation. But ultimately it has meant that my ex has HAD to step up as a Dad and do some parenting on his time. And for me, I get the breather that I need to recharge.

Pain is temporary - it's hard but you will come out a stronger, happier, more confident person and parent. You will need to spend some time mourning the future and family you thought you had but then you will create your own new normal.
A year on from our separation (still pending divorce) and my kids and I are happier, settled. My life is so much better than before and I can't believe I put up with all the crap my ex put me through.

Wow OP - he is so so controlling.
You may well get to stay in the house.
Speak to a few local family solicitors in your area.
Speak to as many as you can, some offer a free half hour so start there.

It is definitely enough. You are grown up adult woman. And you aren't allowed out after dark. Fucking ridiculous.
This really is abuse - bad abuse OP.
Please speak to Womens Aid as soon as you can so they can help you to see this for what it is.
Your poor DC do not deserve to see this as their example of their own future relationships.
It's basically abusing them as well.
Only YOU can stop this cycle of abuse. (google - Cycle of abuse)
Yes YOU!!!!!!

It might also help you to read 'Why does he do that?' by Lundy Bancroft. You will find your vile, abusive, controlling 'D'H in there!

This talk of catching trains op... does this mean you haven't passed your driving test? So are less independent with no access to a car on top of the financial control?

Gosh. You really have been conditioned into the role he has made for you. This role is to raise his children, run his house, facilitate his life, and obey his rules.

His rules.
His money.
His everything.

Is that good enough for you? Is that what you had hoped for your life when you were younger?

You are in an abusive and controlling relationship. This will no doubt come as a shock to you, but that is the long and short of it.

Divorce is never pleasant, and there is usually one partner who does not want to agree to the divorce. This causes problems too. But that's pretty normal.

From start to finish, the whole process can take about 3 years from start of "I want a divorce" to everything being settled and over with. The actual divorce aspect can be over in as little as 6 months. It's the financial settlement that usually causes all the sticking points, but there will be a set formula for this and the courts will award accordingly.

I suggest you get legal advice. And don't worry too much! The future is much brighter without a controlling man, and the children will be fine.

I have a car but it’s easier to get the train into the city centre. I have two close friends who live there and I like to meet them occasionally. They usually have to come over by me because I can’t get the train after dark.
Sometimes he gives in, like he will say no, you’re not doing that, and then suddenly be ok about it. For instance I wanted to stop at a friend’s after going out for their birthday as was about 40 miles away (only time I’ve ever stopped away since dc1 was born, vs him going on stag dos abroad etc) and he initially said - don’t even talk to me about it. It’s not happening. Then after about a week or so he said ok you can go. I was so worried about asking him if I could go because I knew how he’d be.
Actually he did do bedtime that night. So once. He’s done it once.

Oh love. That's not a life is it. I'm a year younger than you, this year I've cycled, driven, flown and taken the train at night on my own. Why do you even ask your husband for permission? Surely you just tell him what your plans are?

He just shuts me down.
It’s 20 years since I started university and my four closest university friends are going away for two nights. They even offered to pay for me as they knew I wouldn’t be able to afford it.
Dh says I can’t go. In fact I knew he would say that so I nearly didn’t bother asking. I mean the children aren’t babies now. He goes out and stop away the night occasionally. I don’t want to go every week or anything.
I hate being with someone who thinks they can tell me what I can and can’t do. It’s like I’m a child.

That's so sad and I feel so sad for you. You shouldn't have to live like that and obviously your friends see that too. You know that's not right, don't you?

Divorce is hard. Really hard. It took me 3 years to recover. But one day you can look in your purse, get out your own money, pay for whatever you want, buy your own train tickets at whatever time you want to travel, get your own keys to your own place,do whatever you want with your children. You have years and years of life and fun and happiness left.

This is abuse and control. I don't know how long it takes to recover from divorce, but it's probably easier than recovering from this abuse. You're still young, you can still have a good happy life, away from this abusive man.

What would happen if you just went out anyway?

I'd also get my own tv and watch what I want.

That is if you're going to stick around, I'd just get a life without him. Do what you want.

But really, he is controlling and mean and it'd be best to just leave him.

Recovering from divorce? I think it depends on how long you were married, how you felt about him, if you get sucked back in with promises, how your settlement goes, etc.

I had no reason to stick around as I was the main breadwinner but I let him play hot/cold and manipulate me for a couple of years.
Going completely NC is what made me finally get over him.
I should have ripped the plaster off straight away and it would have been faster.

I can’t entertain just going anyway because it means he then has to have the children, which he won’t agree to. He can be unpleasant so it’s easier to back down. I know that’s not the answer but that’s what happens.

It will take years to bounce back, it can take up to two years (or more) to go through a divorce, I managed it in a year with fairly straightforward circumstances and a difficult uncooperative ex but 18 months to two years is certainly not unusual. I forced myself to get back out socialising after the first maybe 4 months, and eventually felt like dating around the 3 years mark, I wasn't ready for a relationship of any sort for nearly 4 years.

However, the feeling of freedom and being in charge of your own life and making your own decisions will come very quickly and will make the rest worthwhile. The children will adapt and don't underestimate how much they see and understand, mine had picked up on all sorts of details I assumed had passed them by.

Financially, you will get a good amount of child maintenance and probably 60%+ of the assets, I got closer to 70%, and you can get a job. The worst thing you can do is cling to your house, the women I've seen make the worst decisions in divorce negotiations are the ones desperate to stay in their house, with a STBXH who knows they're desperate. Moving house can be a nice opportunity to start afresh and leave bad memories behind.

Some of your story sounds just like mine! from past experiencene I can honestly say that until you have left you will be unable to fully see/appreciate how bad it is. Honestly your only seeing a fraction of it atm.
The ballance of power is very very off! He has all the power and you have none, that's not a partnaship and that's not an example to be showing your children. Start by asking your friends and family what they think about him and about your relationship, I suspect they have picked up that he is controlling.
I also had no access to money, except my exh racked up a lot of debt. He had his own business and gave out the impression that he was doing really well, the reality was he was very lazy and pre occupied he spent a lot of money on himself and frankly the whole thing was a disaster.
As for how bad a divorce is, well I think it all depends on both parties behaviour, my divorce has frankly been horrendous that's because I was divorcing such a difficult and emotionally unstable man.
Control has a huge part to play in divorce I think your husband has shown how controlling and abusive he is unfortunately it follows that this behaviour will continue 10 fold. But it doesn't mean its not worth it it so so is. Your saying to your kids that you don't except that behaviour and that's a tramendious lesson to be teaching your children.
He's clearly on a very good wage, you will receive a really good amount in child maintanance. I think it's 16% of his wage for 2 children. Your be fine honestly and it really really is worth it

My exh was far less controlling than yours and it was 'bad enough' for me to end things.

Took all of about 10 minutes for it to be less horrendous. I think you'd find the same.

Oh OP I think its far worse than you realise - he is ultra controlling financially and with you

I didn't realise how unbalanced my marriage was until it was over.

Child maintenance for two children from a £120,000 salary will be the equivalent of a decent wage in itself, so you might not need to work full time.

I mean I want to support myself - I want as little from him as possible. For sure the money part will really upset him.
I know he loves the children. What if I leave him and he never meets anyone else and he’s just alone forever? I know the same could happen to me but I’ve chosen to take that risk.

There is an element of control - financially and also he tells me when I can and can’t go out and where I can and cannot go. For example - friends suggested a night out in London and a show - and I’m not allowed to go, supposedly because it isn’t ‘safe.’

This is abuse. That and him telling you his money is his. WTF....

He is older than you... I wonder if he picked you because he knew a younger person would, in theory, be more malleable.

I think you need to speak to someone like Women's Aid.

The problem is he can be ok too. So just when I think this is it, I can’t do this anymore, he will be normal for a while.
He has a temper though.

the money is yours, it should have been accessible to you all the way through
And this is on HIM he has chosen to behave in this way if he ends up alone it will be his fault

Imagine what your children are going to see when things are either not safe for them or safe for them and not you. FOr there sake please go. Even his normal isnt normal

You sound very stuck, he is being abusive, you are unhappy, and leaving is a good option. But the children are young and you will have a hell of a fight on your hands as he will not be willing let you go.

You need to speak to him and make him see how miserable you are.

Divorce takes a long time to go through, and it’ll take a long time to recover.

Don’t leave. Make it better.