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Original poster

Please can you tell me about divorce and how long it took for everyone to ‘feel better’

52 replies

Justagoldfish · 18/09/2019 13:06

I’m really struggling at the moment, really really struggling. I got married aged 20 and have now been married for 18 years, two children, nine and three.
Im not happy. There are several reasons but I don’t know if any of them are good enough to destroy everyone’s lives. I’m not in love with dh. I care about him. But I was so young when we married (he’s 11 years my senior) and I just feel I’ve changed so much.
He works hard and has a good job - I’ve been in fairly low earning jobs since the Dc as dh is also away a lot and I have a chronic health condition so I absolutely appreciate that he supports us financially (I don’t have access to the finances though - he refers to it as his money and all decisions are his).
So he works hard - he does very little with the children. Some weeks nothing at all. He can be away in the week and then he’s out most of the weekend. If he left i don’t think my younger dc would notice that much, although my older dc would be more aware. He’s never taken them to the park, swimming, cinema. He’s never done bathtime, bedtime twice in nearly ten years, dinner. But he does work hard so maybe that’s fair.
We don’t do anything together. We don’t go out anywhere. We don’t really talk. He tells me he loves me and the dc but some weeks they see him probably less than four or five hours. Especially the younger one who is in bed earlier. There is an element of control - financially and also he tells me when I can and can’t go out and where I can and cannot go. For example - friends suggested a night out in London and a show - and I’m not allowed to go, supposedly because it isn’t ‘safe.’
But. That said. Is it bad enough to put everyone through a divorce? I don’t want to hurt dh. He would be devastated.
How does it really pan out? Is it all just horrendous? How long until it feels less horrendous? I don’t know where we’d go. I know they always say don’t leave the house but we’d have no choice because he definitely wouldn’t. I could buy him out of this house but it would take time and in the interim I don’t know what would happen.
I feel like I’m living a lie at the moment. It’s making me anxious and fraught. I feel like this cannot be my permanent but then I feel so horribly guilty about breaking up the family for really no reason other that I stupidly got married too young and I just want more - even being on my own I would be able to make my own decisions. I look at my children and I could weep.

I feel really trapped. I know what I want to do - but I’m going to ruin lives.

OP posts:
Icouldstillbejoseph · 18/09/2019 19:32

I had googled "how to get a divorce" and similar threads on the same theme for YEARS before I managed to actually do it. And I was only married 9 years. The final decision making moment for me was when a friend asked me what I would advise my daughter to do if she was equally as unhappy in her marriage. I said unequivocally I would want her to divorce and I'd support her all the way through. I realised then I was going to leave.

Telling the children (they were 6&4) was shite. And some of their little questions and remarks about the whole thing sometimes takes my breath away. But.....

I have never ever been happier. I honestly think they can learn valuable lessons about self esteem and how adults can act in difficult circumstances by seeing how you conduct yourself.

We didn't go to court. We mediated. My ex is the tightest arsehole ever and he contributes more now than he ever did when we were married. He also does actual parenting. Like have them to sleepover so he can cook and shop for them and see all the things he never bothered with.

It's hard but I reckon it's worth it.

What would you advise your child to do OP if they were feeling like you do?

Icouldstillbejoseph · 18/09/2019 19:37

Sorry I didn't answer your question - it took me about 0.2 seconds after he left the house to feel better. Not being flippant, it was true. When the divorce 'arrived' it was just a piece of paper.
No overwhelming sense of relief. Just glad the legal bills were going to stop.

I think we all felt better almost immediately

Jennifer2r · 18/09/2019 19:39

Don’t leave. Make it better

Are you fucking kidding me? The man doesn't let her out on her own. Jesus fucking christ

MrsLindor · 18/09/2019 19:43

Boredeveryday Have you read the OP?

NewMe2019 · 18/09/2019 21:25

It took me until I finished telling ex I wanted a divorce, to feel better. It was like a great weight had been lifted and was something I wanted for a while. And there was no control and abuse and my marriage. I was just very unhappy and settled down far too young with the first boyfriend I had.

My youngest has taken it better. Eldest has struggled more (is 11). The younger they are the easier it is.

He's a controlling wanker OP. How dare he tell you you aren't allowed to do something! It's not his choice and you can and cannot do!! You will feel immensely relieved OP.

AMAM8916 · 18/09/2019 22:17

Look at this way OP. You can either put everyone through a very short stint of being unhappy or you can be unhappy forever. What would your children want? A few months, a year maybe of upset or you living the rest of your days miserable and them being miserable along with you?

You don't need a good enough reason. You've given 18 years and that's it. You're nearly 40 and being told a night out is unsafe and you can't go. Is he your dad or what?

Sally2791 · 18/09/2019 23:03

This is horrendous control and frightening just to read, never mind to live. As others have said, of course it will be difficult to get out, but far worse to stay in. Your children will think this is normal, and so it goes on. Please see a solicitor, get paperwork together and have a proper life

Original poster
Justagoldfish · 21/09/2019 11:13

I’m hoping to go away for a night with friends whilst dh is on business - my parents are having the children. We want to go for afternoon tea and then out for the evening. I know dh will call and will be livid if he finds I’m away. I don’t know what to do. I do know what to do - I won’t be able to go.

OP posts:
Original poster
Justagoldfish · 21/09/2019 11:14

He will demand photo evidence and to speak to my friends which will be embarrassing.

OP posts:
thepinkp · 21/09/2019 11:30

Hmm this is indeed very controlling and by the sounds of it he doesn't trust you.. I suspect this could be for a very different reason as I've been in the situation myself. I also have no access to bank accounts and have been face timed just to prove I am where I say I am. Please be brave and get out of this!

madcatladyforever · 21/09/2019 11:34

OMG that is appalling OP.
I don't know how you would manage if you left him financially but quite honestly you cannot continue like this.
Financial control is just not on.
I would tell him outright that you are far from happy and are considering a divorce (if he is not physically aggressive) and see what he says. It may be enough to shake him up.

madcatladyforever · 21/09/2019 11:37

As for feeling better after divorce, almost straight away emotionally as he had to go but financially it's been three years since I've managed to obtain any kind of stability. It was my house but I've had to get a full time job 300 miles away, sell up and downsize as it's only me paying the bills now and it's been really really hard.
I'm still not out of the woods but I hope to be financially settled in 6 months time now.

BrokenLogs · 21/09/2019 11:56

Your last update OP Shock

You have to leave. Your DC will think living like that is normal. You probably think they aren't aware of it all, but they will be soon enough.

HeavenlyEyes · 21/09/2019 13:04

please call Women's Aid. He is financially abusive and controlling plus you mention temper.

You know this is no way to live. Who cares if he is single? Not your problem. Your mental health and safety and freedom is way more important.

Or do you want your children seeing his behaviour and treating their partners in this way in the future?

Luaa · 21/09/2019 13:12

OP I would hope he was single for the rest of his life, you wouldn't want another women to be treated this way would you?

Please leave, you'll be so much happier.

nearlynermal · 21/09/2019 13:33

What if I leave him and he never meets anyone else and he’s just alone forever?

Granted, I am a bitter old spinster, but that made me bark with sarcastic laughter.

Teddybear45 · 21/09/2019 13:38

Abusive men often go for much younger women so they can control them. This is why I am so against age gap relationships because after a while the woman just gets used to it. I do think you should divorce but do your homework first - you can pay credit reference agencies to get an understanding of where he holds his current accounts. Then, if they are in joint names, you can do to the banks themselves in person to ask for balance information - if not joint you can pass the info to a solicitor who can request historic lists of direct debits / standing orders / savings accounts to find any savings he hasn’t told you about.

ToEarlyForDecorations · 21/09/2019 14:21

What if I leave him and he never meets anyone else and he’s just alone forever?

He won't be.

He will show his true colours when you ask for a divorce. You are already scared of him - that's quite telling. He also won't believe that you haven't met some one else. Nope, it's all him.

Don't fall for any promises to change or insistences that he's soooorrrry. He likes things just the way they are and you are about to upset the apple cart. Brace yourself.

Then he'll just shrug and get a new partner.

I once heard it said that men move from relationship to relationship like a monkey swinging through the vines in the jungle. Men can be very quick getting a new slave, er I mean partner when the other one leaves or in some cases, dies.

ToEarlyForDecorations · 21/09/2019 14:27

He might find a partner of a similar age to you now, or someone younger than you. Again, that in itself will be quite telling.

Steel yourself for the possibility that should you divorce and he gets another partner (at what could be a relatively shocking speed), he might decide to have more children.

A lot of ex-wives take the view that the new wife is welcome to their ex-husband and good riddance.

Gemma1971 · 21/09/2019 15:57

OP may I politely ask are you from another culture or country?

alwaysmovingforwards · 21/09/2019 16:39

OP, it's as if you're thread is a time warp transmission from the Victorian era. It's 2019! You don't permission from your husband to go out!

Only you can decide if it works for you or not.

Original poster
Justagoldfish · 21/09/2019 16:45

I’m not from a different culture, no.

I really want dh to have an affair - that would be easy and there wouldn’t be any making me out to be a villain to the children. Part of why I can’t leave is because I know he’d tell them it was all mummy’s fault.
I want to leave, I really really want to leave, but it’s just too scary.

OP posts:
Toomanycats99 · 21/09/2019 16:53

I'm separated a year. My decision to end. It felt bad for about 5 minutes when I told my daughters. Since then it's been great - house is a happier relaxed place.

They had no obvious upset either. If if you think they are happy they may well be or they may be soaking up the stress and tension in the house.

KnickerBockerAndrew · 21/09/2019 16:53

Your relationship sounds quite similar to what mine was like. It's so hard when you begin a relationship that young, and the dynamics are set in place-him the father figure in control, you the meek and obedient wife. I didn't see it like that until well into our marriage, and I still slip back into the same dynamic sometimes, though I left him 6 years ago.

The deciding factor for me was realising that my marriage was the relationship example I was giving to my children. This is what they would strive for. It hasn't always been easy, but God, I can 100% tell you that I am a better mother now.

3rdNamechange · 21/09/2019 22:34

Very basic advice, you will feel better the minute you tell him to fuck right off