Am I missing something?

[AlwaysDarkestBeforeTheDawn]

H and I have been together a long time, 3 boys, 1 at school. I'm a sahm and I'm really sick, arthritis and chronic pain. My body is falling apart. H and I are in a bad place and I can't see any way out of it except divorce, but we had another argument yesterday and he throws at me again how supportive he is and how he does everything for us. I don't see it. I think what he does is the bare minimum, he thinks he's a devoted husband and father and I'm not appreciated and expect to much. Am I wrong?

He works hard at work, not long hours leaves at 8, home 530-6. During the week he does bugger all, I'm the one up 6 mornings a week with our DS, I'm the one up at nights. He puts cereal in bowls and sits with them on his phone while they eat breakfast. This is an improvement on his previous eating in another room and is the result of me insisting he does something in the mornings. I make the beds and the lunches and get the house tidy, get medication and teeth and all the morning stuff done. During the week he empties the dishwasher once a day, I usually do it once too, puts bins out once a week and reads with the toddler. That's it. If he gets home during bath time he sits on the couch and leaves me to it.

On weekends he takes the kids out one morning, I take them out the other. He runs errands for himself, like haircuts and buying extra food for lunches, gardens while I watch the kids, does his chores like ironing and making his lunches and insists kids aren't underfoot while he does, occasionally mows the lawn. I usually do 75% of weekend child care.

I'm responsible for everything kid wise, and even though I tell him what kids have on he expects me to constantly remind him too. He tells our eldest he could have gone to school things if only he'd known they were on. I do all the doctors and sick days and deal with our eldest DS anxiety and chronic medical issues and middle DS SEN. I carry all the mental load. I'm completely exhausted, I'm getting sicker and sicker but apparently I'm selfish because I have nothing left for him. And I'm unappreciative of all the sacrifices he made for us and of how supportive he is. I just can't see it, but he's so so sure of himself and I wonder sometimes if I'm wrong.

Op there really are some shocking posts on here, sorry.

He works full time, you’re a SAHM. When he walks in that door, he clocks out. You’re not able to do that. I’ve been where you are, SAHM for 8 years. Kids went to school. I went to college, got a PT job and you know what...? Nothing changed!! I STILL picked up the weight of everything despite being a parent, studying, working. He’d simply get the kids a takeaway or wait for me to get home.
I do baths every night, sort all finances, have to call in sick if the kids are ill etc etc... does he do any of that?
Making the kids a breakfast - wow that’s parenting. People on here praising him for pulling his weight. It’s shocking!
Despite all you deal with having children, you’re also battling an illness. I really do think your DP should be more supportive of you and your needs.
Not that you’re simply able to cater for him when he walks in the door. I see friends who have husbands that work FT, do school drop offs, do washing, ironing for EVERYONE and there’s no competition. It’s life!
When I began looking at this level of equality and then at my own relationship, yes I felt hard done by because I was.
He done bare minimum whilst I picked up everything. Then I started full time Uni, worked, still parented (a few break downs along the way) however my ex felt it was my job to stay at home and do it all.

I’d look closely that he doesn’t have the same mindset and not living in the 1950s where men go to work and women are skivvys!

Sending love x

OP. A lot of people who post on this forum would be very happy to have what you have. It doesn't sound that unreasonable at all.

A lot of the replies on here are horrible op 💐

You sound really low and fed up, rightly so, he sounds like an arse!
He should be helping you to look after his children. Not getting angry and scaring you.
More so since you are sick.
Do you have any family/support around?

Is it worth looking into any help you could get if you left? Disability allowance etc?

Fuck me, some people on here are harsh! If you didn't have a chronic illness or kids with sen, then I'd say he's doing OK. However, you do have chronic pain and you do have kids with sen, therefore you do need more help and he does need to do more. In sickness and in health, right?

I can’t believe some of these replies! Because he works he shouldn’t really have to do anything else?? I can only imagine that’s what happens in your relationships but it’s not what most people would be happy with.
You have children together so you share the childcare as such. I’ve been a sahm and did nearly all the night wakings as husband had to go to work. BUT hen he got home in the evening he’d then help out. When they were tiny he’d bath them while I sat and had a hot cup of tea. He’d share the cooking, not often but at least once or twice a week. He’d take them or one out to the park at the weekend when I was exhausted from looking after children with chickenpox etc. He’d do the bins, he likes to hoover (!) and tidy. I still know I did much more than him and he’d admit they are exhausting but he did a lot more than your partner and longer hours too. You have chronic pain too, I honestly don’t think just going to work is enough and no wonder you are angry.

I'm a sahm too, two boys 4 years old and 1 year old. My husband works full time too Monday - Friday 8am - 5pm.

I personally believe that because I'm home on my own time that it's only fair I do most of the housework and childcare. When my husband gets home from work he has like 10 mins with a cuppa to chill out and then he's straight onto playing with the kids while I cook. Then half the time he does the kids baths while I do the dishes (no dishwasher) then husband takes oldest to bed

1 year old still wakes up in the nights so I wake up with him still. I deal with kids in the mornings from 6.30.

On husbands days off he mostly just plays with the kids while I do some uninterrupted cleaning.

You say you are in pain so things like pushing a hoover about/heavy lifting you could definitely delagate to husband on his days off.

I'm not too sure what you expect from him though? He does work full time and does spend time with the kids....

Obviously when/if you start paid employment and your out of the house even part time then yes he needs to do a bit more but not devided equally unless you are also in full time paid employment.

You need to give him a break to be honest it seems you just don't like him much/resent him for other reasons?

Some people have a really low bar don’t they?

She isn’t just talking about chores. She’s talking about him taking on some of the responsibility of having multiple children, some of the associated mental load so there’s several fewer things for her to worry about. Not half ass a task like putting on the Washing machine but then just leaving the clothes in there, or making himself lunch and leaving mess for her to clear up, or stepping around mess / ignoring a dirty sink rather than taking 60 seconds to sort it. I totally understand this.

I don’t think some people realise how hard it is to parent when you have a chronic illness, or the extreme amount of work involved in having a child with additional needs.

Obviously when/if you start paid employment and your out of the house even part time then yes he needs to do a bit more but not devided equally unless you are also in full time paid employment.

Bullshit. So he works 40 hours a week and gets a pass otherwise, and she is on duty 24/7, because his work earns money?

Outside of working hours everything should be 50/50. Why isn’t that the norm?

Being a stay at home mum you are on your own schedule most of the time. I've got two kids but I can sit down pretty much when I want have a cuppa pretty much when I want etc etc. It's not a hard job. I prefer it to going out and working

Like I said earlier yeah he could pitch in with some hoovering or heavy work. Mybe do the dishes once a week or cook once a week but otherwise I think it's fair the parent who stays at home and is on their own schedule not in paid employment should do the majority of housework and childcare.

If I wasn't happy with staying at home I'd go get myself a job and then yes obviously the housework and childcare would have to be divided with husband.

If you're not out working then you do like 80 to 90% of the housework and childcare its common sense 🤷🏻‍♀️

I've got two kids but I can sit down pretty much when I want have a cuppa pretty much when I want etc etc. It's not a hard job. I prefer it to going out and working

Come and swap with me for a while and then comment. I certainly can’t sit down and have a coffee whenever I choose, and managing their needs alongside my own health issues is far more demanding than my DH’s job as a web developer (by his own admission). Looking after my twins (both disabled) is harder work than any job I’ve ever had, some of which were extremely demanding. When I go to work now it’s like a spa break.

And if one of her children has additional needs, it’s not as simple as just getting a job and sticking them in childcare - my twins have taken 9 months to work up to three mornings a week and roughly 50% of the time I have to pick them up early.

If you're not out working then you do like 80 to 90% of the housework and childcare its common sense

Nope it isn’t. It makes sense that you do 100% of what needs doing while your partner is at work - why should it have any bearing on what happens for the other 120+ hours a week he’s not working?

I agree that having children with disabilities and additional needs is harder but op hasnt told us about her children I don't believe?

You’re so tired and in pain that you’re honestly not thinking straight or making sense. For example, two of your posts cancel each other out.

You said:

...and 4 hours on the weekend while I take kids out

But you also said:

On weekends he takes the kids out one morning, I take them out the other.

So you BOTH get a morning off at the weekends.

He does so, so much more than my DH does. I’m trying to work out why you feel angry but I don’t.

Some of the replies to the op are shocking! coping with a chronic illness and being a parent AND carer to even 1 child is exceedingly difficult - in her OP she mentioned that she has 2 children with additional needs- and her "D"h apparently thinks what he does is helping!!!!!

I work full time, longer hours that him, with a large commute, I still have to deal with the finances, cooking, cleaning, life admin, m appointments, their appointments, me not driving every 2 weeks due to a current spate of necessary and painful eye surgeries - and caring for my mum as well, I have little to no down time except from maybe browsing the clothing isle at Sainsburys when I do the food shop- I was actually abstractedly relieved when my car overheated (known fault- was just waiting to go get it fixed 3 days later ) as it mean that I actually got to sit and do little else but be silent, no have someone demanding something from me, I actually read a couple of chapters of a book I've had in the car for 4 months- haven't had time to read anything else since mind you-)

my ex was of no help at all- had a very similar attitude to the ops partner- except mine drank as well- hence ex- it was actually easier in the end to go it alone- at least then I was able to adapt and manage things without adding someone else into he mix to look after.

seriously op- I would consider leaving him, I'm not normally 1 to say that to be fair - but he seems as if he is making life harder rather than easier - are you able to get any help like homestart? and do you get any assistane for your dc with the additional needs?

sending

Yes she has...

I do all the doctors and sick days and deal with our eldest DS anxiety and chronic medical issues and middle DS SEN

Ok but he can't help when he's out working. And it sounds like he does help a bit from op original post 🤷🏻‍♀️ even taking them out on weekend. I don't see what more he could really do given that he's not home most of the week like op is

He could -

• Clean up after himself
• Cook dinner a couple of times a week
• Make lunch for everyone and not just himself at the weekend
• Iron all the clothes, not just his own
• Put a bin bag in the bin
• Clean the dirty dishwasher dishes he finds instead of putting them in the cupboard for op to find and deal with
• do a bathtime once a week
• do a bedtime once a week

I always think these housework/weight-pulling threads aren’t really about the housework. A second look at the OP’s posts shows that she’s arguing with her DH, they’re not getting on, and the relationship itself feels crappy.

That’s probably why she’s minimising the contributions he does make, and micromanaging everything. And it’s also why he isn’t doing his best or making any effort.

OP probably feels unloved, taken for granted, resentful, and worried that her DH doesn’t care as much as he used to.