Am I missing something?

[AlwaysDarkestBeforeTheDawn]

H and I have been together a long time, 3 boys, 1 at school. I'm a sahm and I'm really sick, arthritis and chronic pain. My body is falling apart. H and I are in a bad place and I can't see any way out of it except divorce, but we had another argument yesterday and he throws at me again how supportive he is and how he does everything for us. I don't see it. I think what he does is the bare minimum, he thinks he's a devoted husband and father and I'm not appreciated and expect to much. Am I wrong?

He works hard at work, not long hours leaves at 8, home 530-6. During the week he does bugger all, I'm the one up 6 mornings a week with our DS, I'm the one up at nights. He puts cereal in bowls and sits with them on his phone while they eat breakfast. This is an improvement on his previous eating in another room and is the result of me insisting he does something in the mornings. I make the beds and the lunches and get the house tidy, get medication and teeth and all the morning stuff done. During the week he empties the dishwasher once a day, I usually do it once too, puts bins out once a week and reads with the toddler. That's it. If he gets home during bath time he sits on the couch and leaves me to it.

On weekends he takes the kids out one morning, I take them out the other. He runs errands for himself, like haircuts and buying extra food for lunches, gardens while I watch the kids, does his chores like ironing and making his lunches and insists kids aren't underfoot while he does, occasionally mows the lawn. I usually do 75% of weekend child care.

I'm responsible for everything kid wise, and even though I tell him what kids have on he expects me to constantly remind him too. He tells our eldest he could have gone to school things if only he'd known they were on. I do all the doctors and sick days and deal with our eldest DS anxiety and chronic medical issues and middle DS SEN. I carry all the mental load. I'm completely exhausted, I'm getting sicker and sicker but apparently I'm selfish because I have nothing left for him. And I'm unappreciative of all the sacrifices he made for us and of how supportive he is. I just can't see it, but he's so so sure of himself and I wonder sometimes if I'm wrong.

I don't think it's realistic to say if they split up he will have to step up as he has the kids 50/50.

If he has them 50/50, he pays no CM, his costs are relatively the same because he's already financing the whole family with the exception of childcare, plus he'd have downtime half the week when they're with the OP.

Realistically though if he's not stepping up he'd have them a lot less than that and OP would be stuck doing the lion's share for sure with not much CM since the UK standards of maintenance are lacking.

Look. He could do more. Those working hours aren't hideous at all. In light of your health issues, he could be a little more hands on. Depending on ages of kids, they can contribute too.

I think the problem is that you have both got into a cycle of thinking you are both the badly done to ones.

He works. You work at home. You say he works hard but not long hours. You obviously dont think him working is that big of a deal. He doesnt think you being at home is that big of a deal.

I bet if you both listed exactly what you do, you both do more than the other recognises.

Also being a sahm is hard work. So is employment and being the only person earning in a household. Theres a lot of pressure on both people.

I dont think you are wrong or right. I think you have both got into a position where neither appreciates the other

OP I’m so sorry you’ve had these ridiculous responses. They are simply not reflective of most people’s opinions and not what you needed, frankly.

I am a SAHM (mostly, I work very part time) to twins with disabilities plus i have health issues that cause severe pain and fatigue. My DH is more help practically but I am carrying the massive mental load of managing their needs, the one getting up at stupid hours etc. I am really struggling too.

Sending

OP I mean this is the kindest possible way but it doesn't matter what anybody here thinks it matters whether you and your dh are happy with your lot and the split of work.

This may just turn into a sahm debate and I don't think that will help you. He does work to provide and you sahm and that is fact.

You sound resentful and like you just don't like him anymore and it doesn't sound like either of you appreciate each other. Maybe work on that rather than listing jobs. If my DH listed what I do as a reflection on where our marriage was then I would be totally pissed off.

I am sorry you're living with such awful pain, truly I am, but I don't know what more you expect from him. He works full time, he does the dishwasher once a day, he does the bins and the gardens, he reads with the children, he gets their breakfast, he takes them out on a weekend, he takes care of you, the man needs some downtime too.

I understand chronic pain, my poor 75 year old dad has lived with it since the age of 21 when he was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis and ankylosing spondylitis. He has worked full time all of those years in a high powered job, which involves being on his feet all day, he still works part time now but fits that around the golf he plays - a sport he took up after hip replacement number 3 and a warning (when first diagnosed) that he would end up wheel chair bound, something he's worked hard to avoid all his life and he's done it. That man is in agony even putting his shoes on, but you'd only know by the expression on his face if you happen to glance his way. My mum worked part time while we were young, but she did the lionshare because he was working full time.

What I'm saying is that you seem to have a man who is doing his best, and if I were him I would feel like I was being hugely taken for granted. Please don't push him away over this, I think you'd regret it based on what you've said here

From his perspective, he gets up and gets the kids breakfast and sits with them while they eat and then leaves the house for 10 hours to work. He gets in, and I assume eats and then reads with the toddler and does the dishwasher. He takes the kids out for a morning at the weekend to give you a break, preps his lunches and does his ironing, does the gardening and takes the rubbish out. On the face of it, with 50 hours a week out to work it doesn't sound too bad.
I am a sahm. To be honest I assumed I would do the night feeds etc as he has to get up for work and although with 4 kids it's hard work I would still get more opportunity to recover in the day than he would at work.
What stuff, that is fun, do you do as a family? It's easy to get bogged down with routine and chores when you don't have time out together.
When the kids get to sleep, do you spend time after together?

I get up with kids and get them ready, do school runs for the older ones, in the day we normally go out in the mornings to a group or park/swimming. Get home, lunch, then I do chores and get house sorted. Pick kids up, prep dinner and hear them read and help with homework, maybe do a craft or something fun.
DH gets home, we eat together, I clear away while DH spends time with the kids then a bath them and put them to bed. Once asleep I go back down and spend time with DH and we watch a movie or play a game.
At the weekend I try to have most chores done so we can have fun so it's just the basics of feeding, clearing up and general tidying. DH will spend time with kids, but that isn't a chore.
I have various health conditions including arthritis, but I'm not sure what more DH could do. You sound resentful. You and DH are a team, you both help each other out. I am not saying you are wrong about thinking he could do more, but you need to communicate this to him without arguing. You don't sound like either of you appreciate the other.

It sounds like he does a fair bit tbh. Works FT, does the kids breakfast, unloads the dishwasher, does the bins, irons and makes lunches, and takes them out one morning at the weekend.

That's fairly decent for a family where one works FT and one is a SAHP.

However I hear that you're unwell and exhausted, and sympathise. Can you afford a cleaner to do a few hours a week to clean and do the laundry?

They'll all be in school in a few years. This period is a fucking grind for everyone, when kids are at home.

It does sound like he does a fair bit. I think the main issue is that you and your DH seem to be working against each other at the moment, both feeling hard done by. Is there any way you can flip it, so that rather than focusing on what he is not doing, you can focus on how you can help each other. I'd imagine with everything you have going on you must both be tired. If you can support each other, and accept that it is hard for both of you, and you need to work as a team it would hopefully improve things.

Ones at school, two need additional support because of SEN and MH. I've tried he won't even look at a list, they just make him angry. He decides what's important and does that, like spending hours on gardens we don't need and ignoring the kids while he does it. The unappreciative comment was because I didn't thank him for taking the crazy toddler out while I helped our eldest ds with homework and looked after our middle DS. The way I see it I was looking after 2 kids, he was looking after one we're both contributing so why should I be thanking him, he certainly wasn't thanking me. Its like his default is that kids and house is 100% my responsibility even when we're both home and I should be grateful if he does any child care or occasionally empties the bin, even if he won't put a new bin bag in after. I talk to other sahm at school whose husbands work the same hours and they're lost when they travel its such a struggle doing it on their own. Me it's easier when he's away. It's easier to do it on my own. Even the morning recently I left at the same time as him to take all 3 kids to the doctor he did nothing to help. Downtime he gets more than me, maybe ever second weekend he'll take a nap in the afternoon and leave me with kids for 2 hours. In the last 3 weekends he's spent 2 dinners with the family. The other 4 he needed downtime so he ate in the loungeroom. Even when he has dinner with us he usually walks off and leaves me to clean up. I was trying to be fair and just put the good stuff in my op. I feel so guilty about being ill, I feel so bad about it all. I even feel guilty about his anger thinking maybe it's my fault because I ask too much, because I'm sick, because I'm the selfish person he says I am.

I make lunches. He does his ironing only. Bins out is once a week. He won't empty the kitchen bins, except very occasionally and then he won't put a new bag in. I clean up after breakfast, he puts it on the table. He emptys the dishwasher once a day, I do it once too. He also puts dirty/wet dishes into the cupboards, pays no attention to it.

What Tilltheendoftheline said 👍

I dont think you appreciate how much he does and that he holds all the financial pressure. Your "job" is to look after the kids so I'd be grateful for him doing breakfasts at all. If you honestly feel your life is easier when he isn't there then leave him.

Some fucking rotten people on this thread!

Op, get some help. Family, friends a cleaner.

If you split he would have to pay child maintenance and/or have the kids more.
Op isn’t just a sahm, she’s ill.
And for those who haven’t got arthritis, it’s bloody awful and painful. Maybe those posters will get it and realise how debilitating the condition and the pain associated with it actually are.

I hate the argument of "I work hard to pay the bills" what, do you not live here too? If we were not here, would you just be an unemployed bum, because after all, you're only working for us right? Nonsense.

Leave him with the kids for a week and all the responsibilities it brings, then maybe he'll appreciate all you do (especially whilst in chronic pain!)

The lunches he makes on weekends are just his. I just want little things. when he empties the bin put a new bag in, that he doesn't put dirty dishes away in the cupboard, that he wipes the bench after he gets dinner. I clean the kitchen after kids and I eat, then he gets dinner later and leaves food on the bench. I'd be stoked if he swapped and did lunch making instead of breakfasts on the occasional morning so I could sit down. In the evenings I just wanted him to lift kids out of Bath, it's so painful. PItch in if two are fighting while I dress the other one. Instead of ignoring it. Things like if he's looks after kids while I do chores he's working, but if he's gardening and I'm looking after the kids it's he worked hard while I got to spend time with kids. Him not to get pissed off on weekends when we didn't get out the door fast enough because I was organising 3 kids on my own and he was just organising himself. Lots of little things have worn away.

What does he do if you ask him at the point of needing help? Ie "can you come get the kids out the bath and dress them, I'm feeling quite sore At the moment?"

I do think he works hard, it's normal hours amongst our friends and they all get DH actually pitch in on the mornings.

I hear you OP. Everything is your job by default unless you delegate and then only half the job gets done - eg DH will bring in the washing and then just leave it in a heap on the table. I get how frustrating it is especially when you’re not well. I think you need to spell it out (I probably do too, tbh).

One off he'd help, if I asked again the next night or did it regularly he'd start getting annoyed.

How old are the children? If they are close in age you could both be at the stage of feeling overwhelmed. How was it before dc3?

Both of you seem not to be enjoying life but that could be due to having 3 small children plus health issues. As a result you are looking at the negatives, pulling away from each other and not valuing each other.

I think your H is looking for some approval from you probadly because there is distance between you. It might be annoying but it could be he needs this. If you need more help can you look outside? A cleaner, childcare for a few hours, family help?

Also is there light at the end of the tunnel, such as a time when they will all be at school?
Have you managed to enjoy a holiday together, away from household tasks?

What is apparent is that there isn't time for each of you and that is causing unhappiness and lashing out at each other.

Assume household chores were sorted what is it that you need?

Btw, comparison is the thief of joy. I had the "helpful" husband, all my friends thought I had Mr Perfect but he was controlling & abusive so don't make comparisons as your H will have strengths that they don't have.

Splitting up does not mean both parents share 50 50 care,as mentioned above. I hardly know anyone with this arrangement. It's more likely every other weekend or if you're lucky,a night in the week too

Sorry I feel bad that people have put time into helpful ideas. We're way past that point. I was just trying to work out if I was a horrible selfish person who pushed him to scary rages, if like he says, it's all my fault. Seems a good portion of people would agree on this snap shot. Despite what it seems I do think he works really hard at work. I just didn't think when we both work hard that it was reasonable for him to do so little in the mornings especially when he sleeps in every weekday. And his attitude on the weekends that I should be grateful he's caring for one kid while I'm caring for 2, I just don't get it. Isn't that just us both pitching in, why should I be thanking him? He certainly never thanks me. I'm not brave enough to ask him to help anymore.

You both want appreciation and approval for your efforts. Talk about it with each other. Yes we are supposed to be adults but we all carry a little kid inside that wants recognition for what we do.

After all thanking someone is not exactly difficult is it. We tell our kids to say please and thank you yet then expect our partners to not need the same.
I hope you can sort this out OP.