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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

is he genuine

74 replies

Flute56 · 16/09/2019 00:39

I recently got talking to a bloke online. He seems polite and friendly and he said I am a lovely person and he loves talking with me. However he has a girlfriend but they have not been dating for long. He says he has one or two misgivings about the relationship but he is still with her. We have chatted about 4 times and each time he says he loves chatting with me and that he could chat with me for hours and that I am a top person etc. He says he thinks of me as a very good friend. Should he really be saying all this to me when he has a girlfriend? He has not been online for 10 days and I miss our chats. Surely if he liked chatting with me as much as he says then he would have been online sooner to see if i was around for chatting or at least send me a message. If he is not really into his girlfriend then he should either sort it out or end things before pursuing another woman. The last time he was on line he said he was on holiday abroad and in the middle of the conversation he suddenly disappeared. When I said oh what happened to you, you were typing a message to me and then suddenly vanished, all he said was oh it could not have been that important because I cannot remember what I was typing about. He made no reference to the fact that he disappeared It was very early in the morning and I was wondering whether he was on holiday with his girlfriend and she woke up and he suddenly left the internet because otherwise she would have seen him chatting to someone and asked about it. I may be completely wrong but why else would someone just go like that without a word unless their computer crashed and then if that was me I would reboot and continue the conversation. Is he a player to me and perhaps to her> He seems so polite and not one of the usual perverts you get in a chat room

OP posts:

Original poster

Flute56 · 17/09/2019 08:16

I am a 56 year old woman and i just went in the chat room and spoke to another woman who i have spoken to a few times who is about my age and she knew this man and he had chatted with her far longer than with me and she said he is married with two teenage daughters. She said he flirted with her and persuaded her to give him her number and then wanted phone sex. She said he will never come across as a perv online because if he did he would never get your number so he acts normal and friendly until he gets your number and then he starts acting like most of the pervs on chat. I said why did you give him your number and she said because like you I thought he was genuine

OP posts:

Cecilandsnail · 17/09/2019 08:21

Just read your update. Please use this as a learning experience! You need to raise your bar and work on your self esteem here, and stop being so trusting of random men on the internet. If its a friend you're looking for, try some real life clubs. Or if you are looking for a romantic relationship I think you may need to do some work on yourself before jumping into the world of online dating. You need to develop a better radar for weirdos and creeps.

SouthernComforts · 17/09/2019 08:43

Waxonwaxoff0 · 17/09/2019 09:22

What a surprise, he was lying. Shock. I hope you have blocked him!

Gemma1971 · 17/09/2019 10:21

At 56 years old, you should be a little less naive... said respectfully. From the way you write, I thought you were a teenager.

The internet is full of people pretending to be someone they are not and up to no good. It is the perfect place for weirdos to hide.

Just as in real life, you can't trust someone you have only just met and you would not trust a complete stranger, well.... why would you trust someone you can't even see?

If you are lonely, join some groups or something in real life. Chat rooms are a waste of time.

AnyFucker · 17/09/2019 12:48

Told you so.

Zaphodsotherhead · 17/09/2019 13:23

OP - you ask why he'd want you to send him money, assuming it would be for 'services rendered', which again makes you sound naive. An awful lot of women - most of them very intelligent - get suckered in by men like this. Some of them lose very large amounts of money.

The men are coming to visit you, but need a 'sub' for the train ticket. 'just until payday' you understand. Or they have been arrested for something they definitely didn't do, and need someone to post bail for them so they can prove their innocence. Or they've had their wallet stolen, they're overseas and need to fly home, can you just send them the money for the air fare, you'll get it back as soon as they land...

It's not all payment. They suck you in until you think you are in love, and then they start.

Original poster

Flute56 · 17/09/2019 20:00

What the hell do you take me for? I may have stupidly thought he was genuine but I would never give a man money. If a man asked for money just until pay day I would be highly suspicious because I would think why does he not have money if he works? What is he doing with his money and then I would put two and two together and say he is lying. Besides he told me he was on holiday in Cyprus. Of course I do not believe he was ever in Cyprus but I would immediately challenge him and say but if you can afford a holiday in Cyprus then you do not need me to lend you money. But it is not only men who try it on. Women do too. I have heard women ask for money off items in a shop and then get challenged about their holiday that they have just had and they say oh I got the holiday free from a charity. Likely story

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PlaceYourItemInTheBaggingArea · 17/09/2019 20:26

even people in relationships have friends of the opposite sex

Unless you were on Friends Reunited, men don't go in chat rooms to make friends. I'm glad you've seen the light with this dirt bag, and not the eternal light he likes to blah on about in his spiel.

Original poster

Flute56 · 17/09/2019 20:43

men out of chat rooms make friends with women. I have a male friend and we have been friends for about 7 years and nothing untoward has ever happened.

OP posts:

Haffiana · 17/09/2019 23:31

So, Flute. Would you say after this experience that you are a clever, savvy person who can spot frauds on the internet?

Or would you say that you are extremely vulnerable to to a bit of flattery and are going to get suckered big time, perhaps even while you are shrilling that men in chat rooms can truly truly only want to be friends?

Why are you doing this exactly?

Original poster

Flute56 · 18/09/2019 00:28

I would say that all men are cunts and I am either going to become a nun or a lesbian

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 18/09/2019 00:30

He has been online; he's blocked you, I'm afraid.

Original poster

Flute56 · 18/09/2019 00:58

what makes me laugh about all this is that I now see a red flat where this bloke is concerned but a friend of mine still thinks he is ok because she says well he told you he is religious and nobody would make up something like that. Also even when another woman warned me to stay away from him because she had a bad experience with him wanting phone sex with her after grooming her with nice words, my friend said to me oh that woman is lying to you about him.. This means although I was fooled at first, I now see from some of the things he has done and said that he is certainly not ok but my friend still after everything I have told her and my misgivings says to me oh I still think he is ok and that means she is very vulnerable but that is not my problem. My problem is to work out my own issues and whilst I would not want her to come to any harm it is clear that there is something radically wrong with her thought process but as i said it is her life

OP posts:

BellyButton85 · 18/09/2019 01:22

People who hang around on these chat rooms are all a bit tapped imo. I'm afraid this includes you. Go into the real world and meet real people

BellyButton85 · 18/09/2019 01:25

But then some also have opinions on people who talk to a man in the sky

Original poster

Flute56 · 18/09/2019 04:26

I do go out and meet real people. However, I do not attract men so there is something about me that puts men off. I have not had a relationship for years. I do not get asked out so I have given up trying because as soon as I see a bloke I like, he does not want to date me for some reason. Yes he will chat with me but that is as far as it goes. i have tried changing the way I dress and do my hair and it makes no difference. My female friends say to me oh you look nice today. But what difference does that make? It does not make a man look at me and think I fancy her lets ask her out. I tried to flirt with one guy only to find out that he was gay.

OP posts:

BellyButton85 · 18/09/2019 20:57

I truly believe there's someone for everyone out there...yours is just taking a bit longer to find. I hope you find him soon

Original poster

Flute56 · 18/09/2019 21:50

I did find him and we were together for `13 years until he died due to diabeties complications

OP posts:

Rachelover60 · 18/09/2019 21:51

There's nothing wrong in chatting and fantasising online, I imagine it could be fun, as long as you know it isn't the real thing. You've not given away information that could identify you which is good. Just keep it as it is, have a laugh, you might even have a serious discussion about important issues, but the person you are talking to is not a real life friend. Not a bad idea to chat with more than one person, don't be exclusive because therein danger lies.

Gemma1971 · 18/09/2019 22:29

"However, I do not attract men so there is something about me that puts men off. "

Noooooo OP... don't say that. Have confidence in yourself...... but real life is so much better. Join some MeetUp groups, visit your local community centre.. I spend all day on a computer for work and it is very easy to fall into the online thing but I make myself go out and do stuff.

Never put yourself down...

Original poster

Flute56 · 21/10/2019 13:02

He is not married but has a girlfriend and likes chatting to other women. I feel sorry for his girlfriend.

OP posts:

Original poster

Flute56 · 21/10/2019 13:04

However I once knew a woman whose boyfriend was chatting up other women and so I made it my business to tell her and she said to me.. Oh I know he chats up other women and I do not mind because at the end of the day he always comes back to me and he will never leave me and then she said if she were to complain he would leave her so she stays quiet about it and allows him to do what he does in order to keep her man.

The mind boggles

OP posts:

Glitterb · 21/10/2019 15:12

I’m not sure this man is ‘boyfriend material’ tbh. Please do not waste anymore time on him!

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