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Original poster

WWYD - new relationship

32 replies

Helpineed · 15/09/2019 15:27

Ok long time lurker, first time poster.

Back story: was married, had 3 DC. Got divorced, started a new relationship, had my DS (12) but dad did a hike as not interested. Met current DP when DS was 1. Been together 11 years and have our own DS (10).

DP has become more abusive and nasty as time has gone on. Yes he has a couple of health problems and they impact on what he can / can’t do. He is not working, which helps me out as he is my childcare. I have a wonderful job which involves me working and staying away Monday to Friday. My DS (12) has Aspergers which DP finds incredibly challenging and this results in a lot of shouting. DP calls 12 yr old a lot of nasty names and I mean nasty, threatens him etc. Ds12 is not an angel and doesn’t make it easy tho. I am always trying to keep the peace when home. DP and I haven’t slept together for nearly 3 years. I have no desire for him but love him like a brother now.

My dilemma is that in between getting divorced and meeting current DP I met the most lovely guy and we had some fun together. I knew he was married but at the time I just wanted to be wanted ( after the divorce rejection and my sons dad disappearing). I severed contact when I met DP.

Recently the lovely guy has contacted me, to say hello. He’s now getting divorced. Not my fault tho. Just drifted apart from wife. I explained my troubles and woes and he has confessed he was so in love with me then and still is. He’s now offered me a chance at a new life with him. He is very comfortable financially so has even said I wouldn’t have to work unless I wanted to.

We are meeting on Thursday evening for a drink and a talk. I have a list of all the things I want to discuss. My top priority is of course my sons, and if a happy situation can be sorted all the better.

I don’t want to remain in a relationship whereby me and the boys are walking on eggshells but leaving my current DP would really break him

WWYD ?

OP posts:
Notcoolmum · 15/09/2019 15:31

Leave your Dp because he is abusive to your son.

Don't leave him for a romanticised memory of a fling.

Notcoolmum · 15/09/2019 15:32

Are you away Monday to Friday overnight? So your son is with your partner who is nasty to him on his own every day of the week?

Originallymeonly · 15/09/2019 15:33

What notcoolmum said, from me too

PositiveVibez · 15/09/2019 15:34

How do you envisage this working? Surely you wouldn't expect your children to move in with a man they don't know from Adam?

Also, are you really considering becoming financially dependant on someone who cheated on his wife?

Leave your husband - yes. He sounds like a bastard. But don't jump out of the frying pan into the fire.

Original poster
Helpineed · 15/09/2019 15:39

Thank you for the quick responses

No I have my eyes wide open with regards to being independent. I’ve said that I want to continue to work. I am away overnight for the week but phone home and Skype every night. 70% of the time it seems ok when I’m not there. DS 12 at school and does after school clubs. Maximum of 3 hours a day that DP and DS spend together.

I would have to give up work if I was to leave DP and go on benefits. Only reason I can work is because DP is at home for childcare

OP posts:
PositiveVibez · 15/09/2019 15:45

I would have to give up work if I was to leave DP and go on benefits. Only reason I can work is because DP is at home for childcare

Or you could get another job. It's not your current job or benefits and that's your choices.

Lots of single parents seem to manage it.

category12 · 15/09/2019 15:46

No, the only reason you can work away all week is because your h looks after the dc. You could get another job. It is not a choice between working away and being on benefits.

Honestly you sound incredibly selfish - you leave your child in the care of someone you tell us is verbally and emotionally abusive to him - and it's only when you think you've a chance of fresh cock you're looking to leave.

Badolddays · 15/09/2019 15:48

It sounds a ridiculous proposition sorry. Are you saying you haven’t seen this other guy for 10 years but you are meeting up to discuss moving your family in with him and giving up your job?

Also shocked at your working away a week at a time and your son being with a man who is ‘nasty and threatening’ towards him.

Knitclubchatter · 15/09/2019 16:29

Your considering embarking on an affair.
Leave your current partner first.

CatPunsFreakMeowt · 15/09/2019 16:36

Red flags all over the place. The ‘lovely guy’ (so lovely he cheated on his wife) hasn’t seen you for over a decade but he’s still in love with you? Hmm That sounds healthy. Hmm

heartyrebel · 15/09/2019 16:48

Where are the first three children?
It sounds like you jump from one man to the next with no break in between. It must be hard on your DH looking after both DC all week while you work. I think you need to change that before uprooting your family, leaving your DH and running off to a fling you had 10 years ago. It sounds like a crazy idea to me.

Original poster
Helpineed · 15/09/2019 17:40

I looked for work before I got this job, with over 1400 job applications within 4 months. Believe me I tried... had to prove to the DWP I was looking for work.

Yes I have given this a lot of thought, and no I don’t like the situation of jumping from one bed into another.

Very crude saying chance of another cock... it’s not about that

I had been thinking about ending the relationship a whiles before this guy reappeared.

My other 3 children are all in their 20’s and don’t live at home. My oldest lives in New Zealand

OP posts:
Waxonwaxoff0 · 15/09/2019 17:43

Can you not just be single for a while?

I hate these threads. You say your children are your priority but they're not. You're allowing your partner to verbally abuse your 12 year old. That's not prioritising your children.

Look for another job, leave your DP and don't jump straight into another relationship.

Techway · 15/09/2019 17:50

So you have 5 dc? One with SN and your priority is seeing new man with a list of things!!!

You seem to have black & white thinking. Your partner or new man..this job or benefits..you must be difficult to live with as you don't seem emotional mature.

Work out your priorities...be honest with yourself if not us. If your children are top of your priorities don't jump into a new relationship with a man.

Talk to your son, change your job so you are there for him. Consider an aupair if you can be home every night. Cancel this date on Thursday because if you don't you are planning to have an affair and that is selfish & self centred.

Sort your children, end your relationship, be single for at least a year, get counselling and learn to be happy living alone before meeting a new man.

I suspect you want us to say..be happy, go for it but no one in their right mind would back your plan.

Original poster
Helpineed · 15/09/2019 17:52

I’ve just looked into leaving my job and without going to another, I wouldn’t get anything for up to 3 months - dwp says it’s sanctions.

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 15/09/2019 18:27

Affairs, affairs and affairs.
Where to start. 🤔

Firstly, don't stop working, it will make you vulnerable if this man doesn't turn out to be as lovely as he seems he cheated on his wife with you so he's a shit. You need to be able to independently support yourself and your child.

Next, you need to work on being happy and satisfied within yourself rather than looking externally for a man to save you. Your child needs a strong mother - that strength comes from within. The sort of men who get involved in this kind of drama will only ultimately save themselves - and drain you of every little bit of energy whilst they're at it.

You. Focus on you. Prioritise your child.
Forget this mills and boon bullshit.

PositiveVibez · 15/09/2019 18:42

I’ve just looked into leaving my job and without going to another, I wouldn’t get anything for up to 3 months - dwp says it’s sanctions

Why would you leave your job to be out of work?

Just a start looking for another job ffs.

You are not prioritising your children in any way, shape or form. You enable the abuse of the 12yo by his step-dad.

You are thinking about moving lock, stock and barrel with a man who fucked you behind his wife's back, 10 years ago.

Can you not see how mad this is!!!

You need to stop thinking with your fanny and stop being insane!

Original poster
Helpineed · 15/09/2019 19:51

So I tell my DP that it’s over and I lose my childcare. Then I can’t work so lose my job and have no money coming in.

I’m going to tell this guy that Im not interested

OP posts:
Original poster
Helpineed · 15/09/2019 19:53

And I’m not thinking of moving in with him in the next 5 mins

Just he’s re entered my life and wanted to known if I was interested in starting any thing

OP posts:
category12 · 15/09/2019 20:02

Or you look for another job while working and when you get one, you split with your dh.
Or you find somewhere to live close to your current job so your ds can live with you.

I think it's extraordinary that your dilemma is some cheating low-life guy popping back into your life promising the earth, and not the fact that you leave your son with an abusive father. So I do not withdraw my "crude" remark.

PositiveVibez · 15/09/2019 20:09

Or you look for another job while working and when you get one, you split with your dh

Exactly. Why are you finding it so hard to grasp this concept?

Notcoolmum · 15/09/2019 20:15

I don't understand how you can leave your 12 year old DS with special needs with a man you say is abusive to him.

Where is your DS's dad in all of his. Can your son move in with him during the week. Why did you take a job that requires you to be away from your children all week? Could one of your else's children babysit during DJ evenings. Can you change your responsibilities at work.

Your son being home alone with an abusive man sounds the issue here. Not the other man or your feelings.

Badolddays · 15/09/2019 20:21

In your op you do say that this guy has appeared and offered you a new life and you are meeting up on Thursday to discuss it.

What would that even look like in reality?

tierraJ · 15/09/2019 20:23

I don't think it's nice for your DS12 to be alone with a stepfather who is nasty to him for even 3 hours a day.

You need to deal with this.

MiniTheMinx · 15/09/2019 20:36

Here's a plan.......look for another job

Would you leave your son in childcare to be abused so you can work? No, then what makes it ok just because it's your partner?

As for the other man will you expect him to care take your child while you work away Mon to Fri? Or would you look for another job?

If you think you can up sticks with your child, or stay put and move new man in then you'll find another job, why can't you just find another job now?

You sound like a selfish and sorry excuse for a mother.