Breaking up with someone who has a chronic illness

[Sockypuppet]

Hi everyone, I'm in a relationship that's had a lot of good times but is nearing a natural end. Long story short, he asked me to marry him and then changed his mind. He's cited family objections but the truth is if he really wanted to marry me, they wouldn't be in issue. It's been humiliating and weird for me. He still wants to be boyfriend /girlfriend, which no.

Here's the rub: he's very unwell. His parents are deceased and he's got one sister whom he doesn't wish to worry by telling her details. Out of respect for his privacy, I don't wish to get into details, but he's in specialist care and if treatment doesn't work he'll have only a few years left.

In the past 18 months we were together I knew about this, and I sometimes drove him to appointments etc. I became his main contact with the hospital and sometimes they phone me if the can't get through to him (for blood test results).

When we first got together the illness was in the "potentially serious but under control" phase and he was living a normal life, exercising and working.

His condition has declined pretty rapidly in last few months.

The thing is, he has good days and bad days still. Sometimes he'll perk up and feel good, almost back to his old self, and then I never hear from him. He'll blow off plans with me to spend time with friends who don't know how sick he is.

And then when he gets another bad day and needs help with care, he rings me. Like yesterday he called me because he was scared, I went round and he had a high fever so I sorted out ringing his consultant, driving him to hospital, then pharmacy, then food shop, then back home.

Yesterday as he was shivering in blankets in hospital he was back on the "We'll get married... someday" bit and I just said, "Yeah okay" and focused caring for him.

This is all very weird and difficult for me. I told some friends when we "got engaged" and they don't know the rest, I honestly don't know what to tell them.

Not sure what I'm asking but I feel trapped and confused.

To echo a PP, I also strongly disagree with being friends. You would only be doing that because he is ill. There is no true friendship here. For your own sake move on.

Damn. How’s your self respect generally?

When a man proposes and then unilaterally reneges you don’t stick around as a girlfriend.

That’s ok, if people disagree.

I think that ‘friendly terms’ would have have been a better way for me to say what I meant. As in, it is possible to remain ok with someone rather than be their arch enemy because it isn’t working out for you. I didn’t mean for her to remain friends with him and continually do everything she is already doing in the way she is doing it as a ‘friend’.

Sometimes relationships don’t work out the way we want them too, it doesn’t mean one has to hate the other person and be bitter and resentful about it. A quiet acceptance of ‘ok, this isn’t going to work out in the way I wanted or had hoped and so i’ll accept that and move on and find someone else’ can be a more cathartic ending to something.

He is ill and it is clear that his illness has taken presidency over the relationship. The OP isn’t happy with her relationship status and thus it would be wise for her to end the relationship if she’s so wishes. If she wants to be arch enemies or friendly or completely removed from him, is up to her.

To the OP, do what feels right for you and by you.

It's been especially helpful to hear from people with experience with serious illnesses.

I've sometimes thought, "Well maybe we could just go back to being friends while this whole illness situation resolves itself." But the fact is that even with a full recovery, this illness will always be here.

Maybe he's a selfish guy, maybe it's an effect of the illness. But it's the same outcome for me.

Sorry for the typo. I meant precedence and not presidency.

OP I don't understand why you can't see how bad he is treating you or if you can why you continue to tolerate it when he's already shown you what he is does when he's better. That's the biggest problem here and maybe you should try and find someone like a therapist to help you. I mean that nicely

In any event one of the things I've learned with my illness is to know when I need to step away from something so this will be my last post I wish you well.

You need to put yourself first.

Time to go op, I'd also cut contact completely as he isn't your friend and I think it would be cruel to yourself to stay in touch with someone you once saw a future with who may continue to promise it and then whip it away again. Sack that.

He has 18months left if things don't go well I think you said? Best go now then, before you're a year down the line and he makes you out to be the baddy cause he only has six months left and Boohoo wah.

I've worked in cancer support and whilst chronic illness can make people selfish, he is still asking too much of you so you have every right to walk away. The whole 'my family wouldn't approve' thing smacks of manipulation too.

I'd be tempted to let his sister in on the loop, tell her you guys aren't working out but that he'll need the support from someone so you're letting her know whether he likes it or not. That way he can lean on her and not keep seeking you out to be his carer anymore. Of course block them both afterwords or you'll be in for a shitstorm lol, but if it were me I'd do that.

Can I ask what the illness is op?

Being sick isn’t an excuse to be an arsehole. He doesn’t want you as his wife because he wants you are an unpaid carer. Just stop seeing him. It’s up to him to deal with his own problems.

End the relationship, advise him to tell more people and to seek support and care arrangements, and inform his GP that he has told almost no one about his condition, that your relationship has ended so you will no longer be providing care, and, in your opinion, he is likely to need care at times.

I hope you don't mind me asking but is he your friend or is he your lover? I'm assuming he's your lover because you say your in a relationship. Did he take you out at all this week-end?

He’s using you-end it now.

Thanks pink bonbon that's very insightful about the whole "my family" thing. It did feel manipulative, like he expected me to then ask "why???" and get into a whole narrative. Instead I said, "Oh right so you've changed your mind" and he seemed at a loss.

As to why I've not been able to stop caring for him? Because he's 32 and I've loved him and he's dying. So I'm a bit blinded by pity, sue me.

I like the idea of just saying "Fuck it," and telling his sister and extended family. I can just tell them that he's ask me to marry and gone back on it, so things are complicated between us now, he's very unwell and they need to get more involved.

I have a disability. And I think you should dump him. I have never wanted a partner to double as a carer it breeds resentment.

He is basically using you as an unpaid carer

Agency care is expensive and hard to get funding for, he would have to pay

It sounds harsh but that's what's happening

I echo what everyone else says about being used as an unpaid carer.

Can I ask, what nice thing has he done for you recently?

I am chronically ill, I am not selfish, nor am I all about me! Your ex is a nasty and cruel individual! He sounds pretty manipulative to me! Being ill doesn’t give you a free pass to treat people like shit!

You have a life to live! How old are you? Do you want to start a family? You deserve a man who puts you first, before his family! My dh’s family objected to our engagement due to my chronic illness (although at the time it was practically not an issue) but it was just an excuse as MIL is a narcissist (suggested by several psychologists not just me armchair diagnosing) with emotional incest issues surrounding dh! In your situation it seems that it’s occurred to your ex that as his wife, you will be entitled to his inheritance. Clearly his sister is not happy with this at all! In that case, let her be his carer for the next 18 months!

Please do not let this man manipulate you into being a free carer! If he truly loved you then he would tell his sister to F off and marry you anyway (which is exactly what my dh did). I would look into counselling though, as you sound like a lovely person who is going to feel immense guilt after leaving!

I would tell the sister and/or extended family then leave. He's treating you very badly - he may well need someone to help him but if that's someone who he's in a relationship with he should want to go out with them when well etc.

He does have family. If you were not there they can step in and support him.
You need to think of yourself. Would you still be with this man if he was not ill? I doubt it.
The bit about not telling friends how ill he is is understandable. I have found most people with no experience of serious illness do not understand how ill you are anyway, even when you tell them.
But he is not your responsibility. You are not his mother.

Also my DP is disabled by a chronic illness. He is not a selfish arsehole and feels very guilty when I have to help him. On his good days he does as much as he can to make life easier for him.
I think a lot, even most people are selfish, and so yes when they are seriously ill this comes to the fore. But no it is not automatic with serious illness at all.

Being unwell doesn't excuse a person from behaving like a decent human being. He's taking advantage of your good nature, and that is never acceptable.

I also have a chronic illness and worst case scenario is that I only have a few years left too. I've also got a husband (who I was with for many years and owned property with before finding out about my illness) and I've got a six month old baby. I'll be starting a year of radiotherapy and chemotherapy next week during which time there will be really bad weeks and weeks where I feel fine. When I'm fine my priorities will be my husband and baby, then my friends (who all know) so like others in a similar situation have said, it's telling that he goes off with his friends who don't know about his illness. On the surface I'm also fine, I work full time in a professional, fast paced job and at the moment you'd never know about my illness unless I tell you. Therefore I've painstakingly ensured that all of our good friends DO know to ensure that the support for my husband is there during my treatment and afterwards, and also from a practical sense incase the worst happens and I die. I couldn't imagine not knowingy my friend is seriously ill and only find out when I'm asked to attend their funeral. I get that he doesn't want the world to know as some people do treat you differently and I don't want pity but telling close friends and/or siblings is another matter entirely. Them being in the dark places an unnecessary burden on you as the sole carer, without the added complexity of your "relationship" with this guy and that's quite manipulative. I'd back away and tell him that you can't continue to be the only one who knows about his health issues as it's not helpful to anyone. Say he either tells his sister and/or his friends himself within X period of time or you do, and then actually follow through with it if you have to do it.

He’s using you
Why did you not end it when he changed his mind about marrying u

How long have you been with him op?

I think this is important to my opinion here.

The fact of the matter however- illness aside, you’re not compatible.
Don’t stay with him out of pity.

He can’t have the best of both worlds from you, he doesn’t deem you good enough to marry but wants you when he’s feeling low? It’s a bit of a headfuck isn’t it. It’s not fair on either of you to live like this.