Finding things tough and school mum comments upsetting me

[Susie2008]

I’m a bit upset about comments one person in particular at school drop offs and pick ups keeps making to me. I am a little stressed at the moment with raising 3 kids (7, 5 and 6 months old). She keeps saying things like “omg you look so stressed” and “I’m worried about you because you look stressed”. She texted me last week saying “I’m really concerned for your welfare and you seemed really nervous and on edge this morning, I’m here to chat if u need”.

The problem is her comments are making me feel embarrassed I keep wondering if anyone else is saying things about me and I’m more nervous worrying about looking nervous if that makes sense? I don’t want to look weak and her comments are annoying me as she’s making me feel inferior and weak if that makes sense.

Annoying thing is she’s not perfect, last week her top was on inside out with the label showing but I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to embarrass her infront of people. If we were alone I would have said something but not infront of the whole school!

I’m dreading Monday morning and wondering what she’ll say to me or what patronising way she’ll look at me. I really wish I didn’t have to see her she really makes me more nervous.

I know I shouldn’t let it get to me but I’m feeling really down already and she’s not helping the situation

Also her comments making me really paranoid as I keep thinking are people looking st me thinking omg she looks nervous and on edge.

Do you have to speak to her? Can you just drop the kids off then straight away pretend to be on your phone?

The texts are easy just ignore them. Or block her

Are you stressed? Why are her comments bothering you? Maybe she is projecting something onto you? Just tell her firmly you are uncomfortable with her constant comments about your mental health.

she sounds kind

Say you’re worried about her MH as she seems to have developed an unhealthy obsession with your facial expressions, and that you’re here if she’d like to chat about her anxiety levels.

How do you answer?

Turn it around on her, tell her your great and ask her how the weekend was/how she is, or turn the same questions around on her people love talking about themselves and she may realise how her condescending manner is.

Ignore her texts and a firm but polite "no, I'm absolutely fine thanks" when you see her at school.

I’ve tried that before but it doesn’t work because she’ll just wait and keep trying to get my attention. I really hate her, sorry if this sounds childish but she makes me feel really bad about myself. She’ll say things like “awww bless” and “poor you”. I’m a nice person so I feel bad if I do ignore her on purpose so I do say morning to her just so I don’t feel guilty ignoring her. I do feel overwhelmed in the mornings as I feel I need to be friendly and nice to everyone

There is always that one person who feels better by putting someone else down. I’m afraid she doesn’t seem kind but more like she’s deflecting from her inability to put her clothes on correctly 🙂

Are you super stressed? Apart from raising three small children and all that comes with that?

Well you say in your op that you are already feeling really down, and that you're stressed due to raising three young children.

So either everyone is noticing and she's the only one kind enough to reach out to you, or she's the only one observant enough to notice and reach out to you.

Basically, she's not wrong is she? She's trying to be kind, and to let you know that she's there if you need her.

You say she's not perfect but does she claim to be? If her top was on inside out, she may be a kindred spirit.

Obviously, ultimately, you don't have to accept help or friendship from anyone of course, but hating her for it seems extreme.

Personally I don't see what's wrong with people admitting when they're struggling a bit but if you want to be left alone just avoid and ignore until she gets the message, or take her aside and ask her to stop mentioning it.

Tell her you had a weekend of rampant sex and feel wonderful. No need for her to worry about you anymore.

Keep focused on her face and don't look away - -

I would just say "look, I've got three young kids so I'm sure you can understand that life is busy and yes, sometimes stressful. However, please stop worrying about me, it's really not necessary"

It’s hard to explain unless you obviously meet her. She’s not being kind, other people are too busy with school run like myself. Yes I am a little stressed like most mums are when trying to get kids out of the house. She’s trying to be nosey and gossipy. Again it’s hard to explain unless you actually meet this person.

Lol windy! I’d love you see the look on her face lol

I'd also be inclined to say that her incessant text messages and comments were the cause of my rising stress levels....

I’ve no difficulty in believing that she’s being nosy and gossipy. You need to be extremely direct. Tell her to back off, and that the only thing stressing you out in the mornings is her running commentary on what she believes to be your stress levels.

Next time she says “oh you look so stressed” respond with “you’re so good to notice, I’m exhausted- could you take baby and junior for a couple of hours while I go and get my head down. Thanks so much. You’re a star. So kind for offering to help”

Then walk away leaving your kids with her

I had this. Turns out the woman was some kind of therapist touting for business.

Some people just need to rescue others whether they need it or not. Either fake it you you make it and turn up with a mate to talk to or take the professional approach and be busy busy busy on your phone.

I think you need to ignore her as she’s stressing you.
FWIW I think patronising people like this should keep their mouth shut actually.

It’s not kind or helpful to tell someone they look stressed, or tired, it’s just rude.

Learn a few stock phrases to come back to her. A death glare works well also. And not standing on your own definitely helps too.

If she says “ you look so stressed” or “I’m worried about you” say:
“ oh you know how it is being a mum”
Or “ like yourself, it’s desperate when they’re so young isn’t it, but this phase doesn’t last forever”

If she’s really annoying you, say:
“ yeah, I’m crazy busy, but at least I’m not as old as you are- we young ones spring back more quickly”

If she’s really, really getting on your wick, say:
“you always say that to me, is this Groundhog Day or something?”
Or “ wrinkle your nose and say, what’s that funny smell?”

Just ignoring her is another option.

Go up to other mums and make sure you’re not on your own - sometimes “ concerned citizens” (bullies) like her just move in for the kill on the mum who is on her own.

Remember OP that this busy phase doesn’t last forever and you’re doing a great job.

You’ll meet mardy cahs like her - just cherish your little family, and let her find another busy mum on the edge of the group to patronise.

How often do we read on here that a poster is lonely and stressed/struggling and wishes someone would just notice. Someone is reaching out to you, possibly based on their own experience. This is a kind person who is offering to be your friend.

If that’s not something you want then tell her but you’ve admitted to feeling stressed, someone has recognised this and now you’re worried people know the truth?

Gosh I totally understand why this would upset you :( she's a cheeky cow who probably is a bit dumb and means well.
It's so rude!!! I would never dream of making throw away comments like that if she's genuinely concerned she would ask if you want to go for coffee and lend an ear.

I've had idiots at work, though the years say I look ill or stressed or tired and it's stuck with me but the person saying it doesn't give a shit. Actually happened to one of my colleagues the other day, a man who was equally annoyed at a consultant saying it to him in an email!
It's bloody rude and unnecessary and gets be so annoyed because it puts you on the spot and makes you question yourself when they're the rude ones!

Happened a few months back at work with a consultant. I was so taken aback because she said the day before I looked very upset and stressed. Ffs I had popped into their meeting and all was fine BUT she wasn't my focus. I shut her down and walked off.
You need to be direct with this person

I think I'd have to say that you are naturally as stressed as anybody would be raising three very small children and that its nothing out of the ordinary and welfare wise there is absolutely zero cause for concern. I'd then go on to say, "HOWEVER. I'm sure you don't mean to cause upset but the constant comments about my stress levels and welfare are making me feel more self conscious than I'd like. Thank you for trying to be kind but please stop with the comments. I can assure you that I'm just fine."

I don't think she sounds nice by the way. She sounds patronising and like she is trying to undermine you.

Urgh. She's looking for a project. Is she was coming from a genuine place of concern, she'd approach you in a much more subtle way instead of spewing patronising bollocks.
'Oh! You're going to give me a complex if you carry on!', 'I'm starting to think I have resting stress face, you'll make me paranoid at this rate!' 'Are you trying to tell me you need a listening ear with all this attention you're giving me?' could shut her up.

Thanks for comments guys. I don’t trust her because when we were friends she told me so many things about all the other mums, which made me kind of back away from her. Yes I admit I am stressed but it would be weird if I came skipping into school in the mornings, holding hands with my kids and pushing the buggy and singing songs. All the other mums look like I do, if someone else said it I wouldn’t think negatively but I know she’s trying to get some dirt. The rest of the mums run in, drop kids and go home, sometimes they say hi, other times they’re too busy.