Finding things tough and school mum comments upsetting me

[Susie2008]

I’m a bit upset about comments one person in particular at school drop offs and pick ups keeps making to me. I am a little stressed at the moment with raising 3 kids (7, 5 and 6 months old). She keeps saying things like “omg you look so stressed” and “I’m worried about you because you look stressed”. She texted me last week saying “I’m really concerned for your welfare and you seemed really nervous and on edge this morning, I’m here to chat if u need”.

The problem is her comments are making me feel embarrassed I keep wondering if anyone else is saying things about me and I’m more nervous worrying about looking nervous if that makes sense? I don’t want to look weak and her comments are annoying me as she’s making me feel inferior and weak if that makes sense.

Annoying thing is she’s not perfect, last week her top was on inside out with the label showing but I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to embarrass her infront of people. If we were alone I would have said something but not infront of the whole school!

I’m dreading Monday morning and wondering what she’ll say to me or what patronising way she’ll look at me. I really wish I didn’t have to see her she really makes me more nervous.

I know I shouldn’t let it get to me but I’m feeling really down already and she’s not helping the situation

Just say
"Yes . I have been soooooo stressed. Just found out I’m coming in to a big inheritance, don’t know what to spend it on. It’s tough"
Or "i’m stressed. We’ve just put an offer in on a big new house but not sure they’ll accept"
Etc. She’ll definitely distance herself after this .
These types hate it when things go too well for people!
😂

Yes I admit I am stressed

You say that like you’re confessing! relax! Being stressed is a perfectly normal part of life, just like being happy, sad, angry etc. You don’t have to hide it. Or feel like there is something wrong just because you’re stressed. You have small DC- that is stressful (most stressful time of my life tbh!) everyone knows that. You don’t have to pretend it’s not the case.

It actually reminds me of years ago when I was in my early 20s holding a newborn and this nasty elderly lady started crowing "oh dear little one! Look at what you've done to your mummy! You must have been keeping her up all night for weeks. She's EXHAUSTED. Look at those dark rings under her eyes. She looks DREADFUL. Are you struggling? It's so hard to cope with a baby. Especially at your age. I bet you are wishing you hadn't had her now. Wish you could give her back?"
There was NO hint of genuine concern in her voice whatsoever. She was trying to make me feel like shit intentionally. I was wearing a nice dress and heels, full face of makeup, had just had my hair done. Was cooing over the baby, spoiling her rotten when she appeared. No sign of someone struggling at all.

I calmly said "I can hand her back anytime. She's not mine. THAT's mummy!" and nodded towards my flabbergasted friend whose baby I was holding. The woman then said "oh yes, this baby's far too bonny to be yours. You have big chompy teeth. Like a horse."

Some people are genuinely just dicks OP. Can you imagine if I had been suffering from pnd? How awful that woman would have made a new struggling young mum feel, under the mask of concern and kindness? And how likely she was to turn at any minute?

I wouldn't trust this woman at all. She sounds like a vampire, just looking for someone's troubles to feed off so she can look like a saint to everyone else whilst making you feel like crap about yourself.

Maybe decide to take mock(ish) offence - "you're always telling me how awful I look*, I'm starting to get quite offended." Smile, look her straight in the eye for a couple of beats, change the subject.

*or I'm looking haggard/I'm aging badly/how dreadful I look today..."

Well, if other mums run in, drop kids, run home......why don’t you do that? Don’t waste time, say ‘morning’ and don’t stand around listening to her.

You could send a passive aggressive message back.

Thanks Jane. Look, I hope I'm not speaking out of turn, but is everything ok? I'm fine, usual stresses of young children but life is great overall. Just wondering if you keep asking cos you're having a tough time? Here any time you want a chat X

I'd say 'thank you for your concern, if I need help, I'll ask my friends and family for it, there's no need for you to worry'.

last week her top was on inside out with the label showing

Anyone else burst out laughing at this?

Face it, OP, if you tell her anything it'll be around the playground before she's even had a chance to straighten her clothes. Smile, nod and say nothing.

I think you need to put her in her place one way or another......if I were you i would have to either use her as a source of entertainment and have a different answer for her ie....yes well spotted I am exhausted...had a wild night of sex last night is the carpet burn to my face noticeable? 🤣 or if that doesn't amuse you then just tell her your fed up of her wanting to know the ins and outs of a ducks ass and to fuck off! I'm not the most liked or sociable person though (can you tell) lol

Op I had this. One parent thought I should do a parenting course because I had an 'only child'. Let's just say, I told her where to go because despite what goes on in my life I have been told by various people I do a good job with my child. You will always get the odd over the top parents. You just have to be firm and have boundaries with these ones x

Everyone is stressed by the time they reach the school gate! She sounds really annoying. We have a mum a little like that, she got obsessed early on with some random idea I might be lonely, and everytime I saw her she asked intrusive personal stuff. It got so annoying that eventually I snapped at her something like “Do you realise you’ve said that exact thing every time I’ve seen you this year? It’s making me uncomfortable and I don’t want to have this conversation over and over again!” She looked a bit shocked but now she leaves me own apart from then occasional “Hi how are you”. It’s so much better. So do try being blunt!

Prempt her. Rush over to her, "Oh Sandra, you look absolutely awful, has something happened" "are you sure, now I think about you did seem quite distracted last week" "is it the kids, oh no I bet it's your Dennis the ratbag, are you ok".

I agree that she doesn’t sound nice at all. I hate it when people comment on others’ personal appearance. My pet hate is “you look so tired!” Thanks! That’s made me feel better
I’m sure you’re no more stressed than anyone else, who knows why she picked you out. I agree with others that you have to be direct. It’s not like you have anything to lose as she isn’t someone whose friendship you enjoy or anything.

She sounds dodgy to me.

Your face belongs to you and any expression on it is ok! You don't have to look a certain way to make other people comfortable. I've been in your shoes with very similar age gaps between my kids and quite frankly it would have been weird if i hadn't looked stressed.

My spidey senses are telling me she's probably digging for gossip: hoping you'll share something personal she can then use as currency with others. A real friend would be a friend first (and probably long before this point) and a 'concerned citizen' second.

How you feel inside is what matters, not what some nosey parker reckons. If i were you I'd say something like a breezy "i'm fine thanks. How are you doing? Is little Jimmy getting on ok in Mrs Trumpington's class?" And keep it superficial and cheery, however she tries to drag the conversation back round to you.

I used to work with one of these. Every day I looked "soooo tired" and "pale and worn out". It was really tiresome. I was working as a full time teacher at the time. Yes, I was tired and felt worn out for a fair amount of the time, but it was just the way it was and pointing it out really was no help. I ended up avoiding the person like the plague. Always busy, always moving on.

Urgh. She's looking for a project.

Absolutely this. Ignore her. Or don’t be afraid to say ‘actually I felt great until you told me I ‘look stressed’ - that’s getting me more down than anything else. No offence but you don’t seem great at helping people...’ some people love to victimise others to make themselves feel superior. Tell her to sling her hook.

She sounds awful . Anyone who constantly tells someone they look awful/ stressed/ tired is neither kind or helpful . She's a leech .
Tell her she's a psychic energy stealer ( leech for short )

I got this. Turns out she was a counsellor or something and was touting for work!

If you can't avoid her, which would be the best plan, then have some stock phrases practised that you can roll out.

^We had a big weekend
Yes, out with old friends.
We've been away
We went out for dinner
Out with my best friend^

I've had this and I dealt with it very badly. At first I'd just scuttle of and feel crap about myself, but in the end it got very wearing and I snapped at her. (This wasn't at school but somewhere else I had to go regularly). I said "I'm not depressed or stressed, I JUST DON'T LIKE YOU!"

I regretted saying it straight afterwards, but she did leave me alone after that!

"Yes, I am a bit tired actually. You look pretty rough yourself, is everything ok?"

I think people should stop saying how kind she is when they have literally never met this woman. I think the OP, who has met her on numerous occasions, knows her better than you.

Just immediately turn it on her every time. Easiest thing for you is to have your reply prepared.

'Are you ok? You look so stressed and tired.'

'Yes. What about you, though? You look really exhausted. Are you ok? Do you need a chat?'

Rinse and repeat until she gets it.

Toxic poison.

I had one like this that used to wait for me and head tilt and breathe “how’s it going eh?” I snapped one morning and shouted at her and she hasn’t spoken to me since, which is fine.

Tell her the reason you're stressed, is that you've just found out you're pregnant with twins/triplets/ quads. But for her to keep it to herself. Watch whe whole of the school giving you the puppy dog eyes lol.