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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What should i do here, advice needed...

69 replies

edgarallenpoe83 · 14/09/2019 20:20

Right, well my long term bf of 3 years and I fell out a couple of weeks ago. His fault, i won't bore you with the details but he basically doesn't trust me and I'm sick of it. We share a laptop, and i didn't realise this but he must be logged on with his phone, as i noticed messages were popping up. Obviously, i had a look :/
I wish i hadnt, because one of the messages was to his friend arranging a lads weekend in january. He mentioned the apartment they were staying in had room for "two males and two housewives" and signed off with "GB". I looked online at the urban dictionary, and this apparently means "gang bang"! I saw this an hour ago and he has been ringing just. I cant bring myself to pick up. What should i do/say? I cant let him know i saw the messages really. I feel sick with it.

OP posts:

chickenyhead · 18/09/2019 23:53

Grimy, dirty little wankstain, excuse for a man.

I wouldn't give it the time of day. I defo wouldn't see it again. I would go straight to the GUM clinic asap. I would buy him a £1 sim card and post it through his door (I wouldn't actually do this, but the threat of changing his number is a threat meant to control you.

To every text/call simply reply with these 4 words, no more...

I CAN DO BETTER

HeavenlyEyes · 19/09/2019 18:19

bloody hell - can you report him to the police for this too?

Elieza · 21/09/2019 23:24

@HeavenlyEyes that’s what I was thinking too. Perhaps there are some rape victims out there who have been dna swabbed and the police are just waiting for someone with no previous criminal record to be caught for something and dna swabbed and whaddya know it’s a match.....
God alone knows what this guy has been up to. What the OP found could be the top of a very large iceberg.

Gemma1971 · 22/09/2019 00:22

I think he DID mean gang bang and said it was something else to try to "cover up" what he really meant.

I don't think he or any of his friends were or are planning to drug women. They were planning to pick them up and take them back there for sex, group sex... semi-jokingly.... But he was trying to think on his feet and it was a bad "cover".

I don't think I would be ringing the police. Your man is a scumbag, that is all... bad enough.... but I don't think he meant it about drugging women. But he is no doubt a scumbag in the classic sleep around jack the lad shagaluf type.

IN THE BIN WITH HIM. And forget him. Horrible specimen not worth your time of day. Or any time.

Gemma1971 · 22/09/2019 00:24

ps GHB is a date rape drug, not GB

DBML · 22/09/2019 00:48

You don’t trust your bf (because he doesn’t deserve to be trusted). He always works away. He’s a liar who jokes about gang bangs (or date rape drugs) and he threatens and harasses you when he’s angry/ cornered.

Should be an easy one to forget

Rainbowqueeen · 22/09/2019 00:58

Stop thinking about him for the rest of the day. Think about you and what you want. Out of life. Out of a relationship
Then think about how he fits into that. If he just doesn’t fit move on. Block him. The more time you spend on his head fucks and mind games the less time you have to achieve what you really want.
And I’m sorry this has happened to you

Original poster

edgarallenpoe83 · 22/09/2019 10:48

Sorry Im late replying. Whatever he meant, it isnt nice at all. He was ringing me lots and I almost caved. He wanted to meet up, I was going to until I realised he meant I had to travel to him, a 40 mile round trip. And he was only free for an hour apparently. Then had a video call from him, at the pub, when I told him how I felt he hung up. He wont listen to my feelings. And this particular GB incident, he told me to move forward as im "repeating myself". Just no respect or anything. Ive been reading about narcissism, maybe he is one. I havent spoken to him in 2 days now.

OP posts:

Original poster

edgarallenpoe83 · 22/09/2019 10:53

I honestly didnt think he was the type to sleep around. But he sends flirty messages to other women whenever we fall out and makes sure I see them. To make me jealous, he says. So keeps me in a state of insecurity.
I guess if he really gave a crap he would be making real efforts. He says his numerous phone calls are him making an effort but I dont see it that way.

OP posts:

Smotheroffive · 22/09/2019 11:02

Your 'relationship' is pure mysogyny and manipulation.

It will ruin you its so toxic.

The hills --->

Please avoid men that think rape, gb, or gbl, is banter. Banter seems to be thrown around a lot as an excuse for degrading women, or double-talking, ah yes, but we didn't mean it, it was only for the bants..ffs

Stay away from freaks like that.

Banter seems to have been adopted by some for a totally different use and meaning, its much more dark and badly intentioned than the original meaning of the word.

I'm glad you've discovered what a wank-stain this nasty little boy is. He doesn't deserve a decent relationship, or someone like you, who'll he'll never trust anyway.

Closetbeanmuncher · 22/09/2019 11:57

Block the number already, what are you waiting for?

.....If you're waiting for this prick to come correct you'll be waiting a very, very long time.

You can't polish a turd OP.

KAT7545 · 22/09/2019 12:13

Am I being unreasonable when it’s my 20th wedding anniversary and my daughter is 14 next week and he’s now working till 830 on that evening and isn’t bothered at all .. thinking will go and visit both our families and maybe take her out for an early tea and catch up with her dad later as don’t want to wait in all evening

PlinkPlink · 22/09/2019 12:14

This guy treats you like shit.

Get angry at that.

You deserve better. You deserve someone who respects your feelings and treats you with love.

He won't improve. You staying with him through this gives him the green light to do it again and again, and worse.

Block him. Never see him again. Move on and find someone nice. Trust that you are worth more than he thinks you are.

KAT7545 · 22/09/2019 12:14

Sorry wrote this on the wrong thread

Original poster

edgarallenpoe83 · 22/09/2019 12:32

I agree, he wont change. Im just trying to accept the fact that someone I have stayed with for so long treats me this way, no regard for my feelings whatsoever. I guess it is far from love, no matter what he says. Keep feeling like I have made him treat me this way, by accepting his previous shitty treatment. I suppose thats not the case, but Ive never really been respectful of myself in this sense whilst weve been together. It upsets me quite a bit but I guess I will be ok.

OP posts:

Smotheroffive · 22/09/2019 13:00

You certthave not made him treat you this way. Decent men would feel very uncomfortable if someone tried to make them treat their partner badly. Its not what true partners do.

He's not a partner in any sense of the word, regardless of how long you have been together.

This is definitely not your fault he's this way.

You might not respect yourself, but anything you recognise you can have a go at rectifying, and your first step would be to shut him out completely and look to your own pursuits for enjoyment and fulfilment in life.

Gemma1971 · 22/09/2019 13:03

MrsAJ27 · 22/09/2019 13:08

Block him...he really isn't worth it, don't waste anymore time on this idiot.

Sn0tnose · 22/09/2019 13:15

If you cave now, he knows he can then do whatever he wants, sleep with whoever he wants, lie to you as much as he wants and treat you however he wants, because all he’ll have to do is bombard you with declarations of love and everything will be fine. Look at how he’s behaving now. He’s so sure of himself that he is showing open contempt for you. If you let him back in, this will happen again and again and again until you are so ground down that he does it openly.

Why do you believe that you are worth so little that it’s ok for him to treat you like this? This is not normal. It’s not supposed to hurt. Yes, everyone has arguments but this is not what a normal, healthy relationship looks like.

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