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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What should i do here, advice needed...

69 replies

edgarallenpoe83 · 14/09/2019 20:20

Right, well my long term bf of 3 years and I fell out a couple of weeks ago. His fault, i won't bore you with the details but he basically doesn't trust me and I'm sick of it. We share a laptop, and i didn't realise this but he must be logged on with his phone, as i noticed messages were popping up. Obviously, i had a look :/
I wish i hadnt, because one of the messages was to his friend arranging a lads weekend in january. He mentioned the apartment they were staying in had room for "two males and two housewives" and signed off with "GB". I looked online at the urban dictionary, and this apparently means "gang bang"! I saw this an hour ago and he has been ringing just. I cant bring myself to pick up. What should i do/say? I cant let him know i saw the messages really. I feel sick with it.

OP posts:
lifegoes · 14/09/2019 22:48

He sounds like a narc tbh.

Elieza · 15/09/2019 13:39

Don’t fall for his bs. Who changes their phone number as they fall out with their gf?

That’s just weird. He’s weird.

There’s stuff potentially going on that you don’t know about.

He’s trying to distance himself from you. That’s not the behaviour of someone who loves you. He’d be trying to work this out if it was.
He doesn’t love you, sorry OP.

If he did he’d be nicer not using this as an excuse to escape from you.
Which is what this looks like to me, ie “Rumbled, fuck it, the missus caught me out messaging mates about some housewives thank fuck she doesn’t know about the rest of it all so I’m running away as I don’t care to talk to her about this as she’ll shout and moan so I’m gonna change my number and never have to speak to her again as when she eventually finds out what i did there will be hell to pay”.
That’s what I reckon he’s thinking.

God alone knows what he’s been up to behind your back. Get checked at the local sexual health clinic in case that cheating pig has passed anything on to you as we have no clue what he’s been up to. He may or may not have cheated before.

You deserve so much better, sorry your going through this bollocks. Dump his ass. He’s a waste of space. And perhaps the porn has added to his desires and now he doesn’t just want to watch and wank in the privacy of his own home he wants to sleep with women too. You deserve better Flowers

Original poster
edgarallenpoe83 · 15/09/2019 14:29

He has changed tack and been ringing. Texting saying how much he loves me and it was just banter. Said how he lets me have access to his messages cos he has nothing to hide. But that message has been deleted now! i took a screenshot to remind me though :/. He didnt know i could see those texts im sure. I havent answered his calls. Just feel sick thinking of it.

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 15/09/2019 18:42

Texting saying how much he loves me and it was just banter

Yeah, he's banter.

Get rid and block. 🗑

Mostlyhappy4 · 15/09/2019 18:55

I'm not very techy but does this mean he can also see your emails and laptop activity?

Itsmostlygristlecath · 15/09/2019 19:02

Wow he sounds awful, leave him op, not worth it and yes he is projecting onto you.

Itsmostlygristlecath · 15/09/2019 19:03

And yeah get tested ASAP sorry.

Elieza · 18/09/2019 19:59

Stay strong. He’s panicking as you may actually go....
and so he should be panicking as he’s about to lose the best thing in his life as he’s too busy trying to get laid by ‘housewives’ (aye, explain that big boy, no you can’t) and lying about it.

I try and give people the benefit of the doubt but I’m inclined not to this time.

I said in a previous post that he should have been bending over backwards to get you back. And he is now, but that wasn’t his initial reaction. That was to threaten to change his number. Who does that. Nobody normal, that was a guilty reaction I think to avoid any shouting at him.

Presumably he’s told his mates and they said bluff it out dude, she’s got no proof, just say you’re sorry. And that’s his plan. “You misunderstood darling. I would never do that”. Yeah, whatever. I don’t think you could ever trust this guy again, could you? The long weekend at a pals house? The stag do? Etc etc. You know he’s into porn and that could be what’s driving this. His pals probably the same. Many men don’t feel they get enough sex and look elsewhere.

Sorry you’re going through this OP

Original poster
edgarallenpoe83 · 18/09/2019 20:48

He told me...it didnt mean GB as in "gang bang"...it meant GB as in a drug to render someone senseless. Dont see how thats better. I kind of relented cos he kept ringing and going on about how it was all a joke and banter. But I still dont trust him. I havent physically seen him yet. He asked me to come to the weekend away but I doubt I will. I reckon itll be over by then :(

OP posts:
Original poster
edgarallenpoe83 · 18/09/2019 20:52

Hes always away anyway working so basically dont trust him at any time :(

OP posts:
Josuk · 18/09/2019 21:03

This isn’t a relationship that can survive. You two have no respect or trust for each other.

And - though it’s irrelevant - two men and two women is NOT a gang bang. It’s a foursome.
But as I said - it doesn’t matter. You don’t need a reason to break this off. It’s already broken.

Original poster
edgarallenpoe83 · 18/09/2019 21:57

No, apparently he meant GBL date rape drug instead :(
Can this even be a joke/banter?
Am i making too much of it?

OP posts:
Sarahlou63 · 18/09/2019 22:01

Am i making too much of it?

No. You're making too little of it. Have some self respect and block him.

MsDogLady · 18/09/2019 22:04

*Enjoys ‘bantering’ about using a date rape drug on women.
*Accuses you of cheating.
*Calls you vulgar names.
*Threatens to change his number if you don’t dance to his tune.

What a despicable man. Dont you deserve better?

MsDogLady · 18/09/2019 22:05

Don’t

Wauden · 18/09/2019 22:14

No, apparently he meant GBL date rape drug instead sad
Can this even be a joke/banter?
You are making excuses for him. Why do you even suggest that its a joke? Is rape funny?
And rape is never a joke.
Run for the hills.

cubed123 · 18/09/2019 22:24

On what planet is a joke about date rape drugs somehow better than group sex?!
3 years is long enough - don’t waste any more on this ‘man’

C0untDucku1a · 18/09/2019 22:34

jesus op. Block him. He is disgusting. Think
Better of yourself.

Original poster
edgarallenpoe83 · 18/09/2019 22:56

thank you, i agree :(

OP posts:
Gemma1971 · 18/09/2019 23:28

Bloody hell, how old is he? He sounds worse than a dickhead teenager making really inappropriate horrible jokes... scummy, low-class, foul-mouthed waste of your time.

Any man you picked up off the street or in your local Wetherspoons would be better than this... SERIOUSLY! He has shown you who he is, now show him the door with your boot firmly placed up his ass!

SmellbowSpaceBowl · 18/09/2019 23:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TimeForNewStart · 18/09/2019 23:35

He’s going to change his phone number tomorrow if you don’t reply?

Like ‘Sale ends tomorrow’.

How childish.

wuddenyalike2know · 18/09/2019 23:35

He sounds gross. Sorry OP. Everything he is doing is offkey. Right down to the threatening to change his number in order to control you so you talk to him. Yuck. Quite frankly even if you do get back together, this will never work long term. Too messy.

TimeForNewStart · 18/09/2019 23:36

And how the hell is raping someone better than a gang bang Confused That’s just making him come across as not very bright!

HollowTalk · 18/09/2019 23:41

Oh blimey, he's a piece of work, isn't he?

Thank god you realised this early on.