Should I tell him?

[LittleLadyFooFoo]

Thanks for reading.
My partner (soon to be husband) of 4 years has always been loving and caring.
Recently his best friend split up from his girlfriend and I overheard a conversation with my partner and him last week. I was in the bedroom. The walls are thin! It seems from the conversation the friend had been to a massage parlour and they were laughing and giggling about it. I didn’t say anything.
Last night I did something I’ve never done and looked at my partner’s phone. There was a message from an escort to him with her services and prices. He had also made a call to another parlour (I googled the number).
I feel awful for looking at his phone but I feel I need to confront him as I can’t accept this behaviour.
If anyone has advice on how to approach him, I’d welcome your support. TIA

I would approach this by packing his bags. What could be possibly say that would change anything? Do not even consider marrying this man.

Thanks for your reply. I can’t consider marrying him now, you’re right. Just wondering the best way to approach him with my new found knowledge.

He’s always been loving and caring to your face. If you was my friend I would say please don’t marry him, he won’t change and will always believe women’s bodies are available to buy. You’re worth more than a lifetime of that. And a lifetime of wondering who he is texting, where he is, checking the bank account, checking his phone, crying, being anxious, feeling second best. Just don’t do it to yourself.

X-post, I’m so glad to read that. I would just tell him you’ve changed your mind about marrying him. Anything else you say he will twist or argue against.

What is your living/financial situation? Shared accounts? Tenancy/shared mortgage etc?

Thank you. I’ve been through a cheating relationship before and much stronger now. I can’t believe this has happened tbh. Just need to decide how best to approach him.

Tell him the truth about what you heard, that you looked at his phone, and what you found. Then tell him to get the fuck out. Don't lower yourself by trying to have a conversation about this. All he will do is lie and gaslight you.

X post sorry. We live together but I own the house. It’s easy enough to ask him to move out. Our children are all teenagers so not a big issue. I don’t have any joint account thankfully. He just pays towards bills.

Thanks. I think you’re right, just be completely upfront. Here’s me worrying about looking at his phone when I shouldn’t!!

He doesn't have a leg to stand on. Thank christ you are financially independent and that you found this out now before marrying him. I'm truly so sorry you're dealing with this.

Your response is very dignified OP although I'm certain the pain is terrible and I am so sorry.

You sound like a strong person and yes, marrying him now would be truly terrible.
I wouldn't enter into any discussions, I would state the relationship is over and that he needs to move out. In reality it is never that clean or clear cut but you are worth the world and all the good things that are in it. I hope you have kind and loving people around you that will help and support you.

He is not a good person.
He will not see the problem with his behaviour.
He will try to justify his position to you.
He does not respect you, your family or himself for that matter.
He is not your problem anymore.

I wish you well.

Thank you for your help. I’ll post later with outcome

I would just tell him the truth, that you've seen his phone and you can't possibly stay with someone who would even entertain the idea of paying for access to a woman's body. I wouldn't be able to hide my disgust for him enough to say much more than that I don't think, I wouldn't want to even be in the same room as him. And no, don't give checking his phone another thought, I mean look at what you found! I'm so sorry OP

I bet he tells you he was looking it up for a friend

You looked at his phone because you heard him talking flippantly about paying prostitutes. Don't let him turn that back onto you.

Good luck OP, I’m glad things such as finances and your living situation are relatively simple to fix because I know how hard the rest of it is. I hope your conversation later goes well

@Anniegetyourgun

You're so right. He'll try to spin all sorts of rubbish. I'm sure he's been doing this for years.

@Anniegetyourgun - that was my first thought.

I agree with @CodenameVillanelle

Yes I would expect the 'looking for a friend' excuse too. For me that's almost as bad though (even if it wasn't clearly bullshit) because it still shows he thinks paying for someone's body is ok. Hope he goes without a fight later OP, we'll be here if you need us

Thanks everyone. I just feel so sad as after my previous relationship with my children’s father. I’ve had 4 years of an amazing relationship and now I find out he’s about to embark on something like this! I’ll never trust anyone again.

I'm so sorry OP, he is an idiot for throwing it all away..

Oh sorry OP that's so shit.

Be prepared for the two default responses:

1. I did it for a mate, it wasn't for me
2. I like the thrill of booking but I'd never go

These wankers. Too cowardly to end it and be single and go to as many places like that that they want without putting their family through confusion, anger, sadness and shock.

Do not let him wriggle out of this OP, it's horrible in so many ways. You poor thing

Thank you. He owes me £500 from our summer holiday and as he doesn’t earn as much as me, I said he could pay it up. Seems he has expendable income after all! He’s home but his daughter is her, so can’t approach him yet. He’s being all lovely dicey and asking if I’m ok!! Grrrr!

Lovey dovey *

Ugh I'm sorry to hear this but you deserve so much more.