Is it over? Or is there still hope?

[GinLemonade]

I am late 20s and have been with DP for about 3 years now. It was a rocky start but to cut a long story short I moved nearly 200 miles away from home to be with him, I left my family, friends and job because I was so in love and so happy with the relationship, everything was new and exciting! He was amazing to start with, holidays, flowers, cards for no reason, meals out, presents for no reason etc etc. Things were perfect I settled down with a new job living in his house and loving the change. Until around a year or two after things gradually changed. The happiness and romantic gestures disappeared, we started to bicker more, I felt alone, had no friends here whilst he was out with all his friends, keeping busy with all his hobbies whilst my life consisted of working and spending my evenings and weekends sat at home on my own. It has been like that since but has got worse, I have broken down to him numerous times and explained I am not happy and I feel lonely and at my age it is very hard to make friends when I dont particularly have 'hobbies' and no children. He said this was my fault, its my fault I dont have friends and I need to go out and find some. He doesn't understand this is almost impossible for me! I work long hours and once I am home I concentrate on looking after my dog and I dont really feel like being out all evening taking up 'hobbies'. We lived very different lifestyles growing up, he is used to being busy with football etc whereas I have always been happy with my family at home relaxing and used to be a party girl so spent my weekends partying! It has got to the stage where I cannot say anything to him as every single thing I say I am 'moaning'. He snaps at everything I say for example I came home from work the other day and he was upstairs, I went up happy and smiling and casually said 'what ya doing?' Almost as a rhetorical question! He snapped and said 'putting clothes away IS THAT ALRIGHT?!!!' his tone of voice and the way he speaks to me is shocking and this happens all the time. He placed a toy on my dogs back and when I saw I went to him in the other room laughing and asked if it was him who did that to the dog, his snappy reply was 'what sort of stupid question is that!!!' . I try my hardest to be jolly and jokey but all I get is snappy answers and being spoken to like a child 😞 I don't feel like he loves me at all, he is very stubborn and he can go days without talking whilst I try constantly to make up with him. My confidence is at rock bottom, he doesn't make me feel good about myself at all and I'm constantly comparing myself to others recently. I do everything to make myself feel and look better for a confident boost, I get my eyelashes and brows done, I have more make up than a make up store and I still cant do anything to boost my confidence looks wise. I know there are other ways to boost confidence but this is my way. I never used to be like this so I am starting to think it is him making me feel like this. Is the way he speaks and acts towards me emotional abuse? We are looking into moving house which I am hoping will make us better, but is this a bad idea? Sorry for such a long post, just after some advice...

I asked him this morning if he would care if I left today. He said 'right at this moment, no I don't'. I asked him if he even wanted to be with me or if we should mutually agree to end it. He said he didnt want to end it but it's my decision. I can't go on like this, especially if we move house. I want him to change and show he cares and is into this relationship... he tells me I need to change

My advice is to read back through your post...if this was written by a friend or even posted on here...what would you advise? Would you want your friend to be treat like this?

Just read back what you’ve written.... this is a terrible relationship! He doesn’t have any respect for you! Move back home to the family and friends who DO care for you

Why would you even want this relationship to continue? It's shit and you know it. Get out and move on.

Go home OP, this is over.

This is TEXTBOOK cycle of abuse scenario.
Leave him ASAP before you have to look at him in twenty years and wonder where your life went

In your post you have, isolated from friends and family , lovebombing, gaslighting, stonewalling and so many more .

Oh Op, you deserve better than this, he's making no effort at all. I would be looking at ways to go home, is there work for you where your family and friends live? His treatment of you has caused/is causing your low confidence, he treats you with no love, no respect, not even any liking and it's destroying you.

But it's him not you, he is obviously incapable of a caring, adult relationship beyond the empty present giving/love bombing he did to attract you in the first place. He has no substance, and you do, which is why what he's offering isn't enough for you and you feel lonely and unfulfilled.

Cut your losses and go home to where people love you if you possibly can, leave him to his hobbies and his mates and his empty house

It sounds like he wants to end it but doesn’t want to actually be the one to do it?
Some men are like this! They aren’t happy but don’t want the burden of being the one to end it. I think his behaviour will get worse until you’re pushed into the corner of having no choice but to leave him.
Your two options are either to leave or have a full frank conversation with him and give it another go. Don’t move whilst it’s like this, it won’t get better and would make it harder to leave.

What is love bombing and stonewalling? I forgot to add, when we are good we are amazing, but it just keeps going back to this. He is a lovely guy deep down, I have seen it with my own eyes but I wonder what I've done for it to change. He would honestly bend over backwards for me, he does anything for me and has helped me get out of debt. I also live here for nothing as he doesn't let me contribute and asks me to save it for our future. I love him and in the past I have threatened to leave and he has broken down in tears and begged me to stay, why would he do this???

Have been pondering posting this for months as I have been scared of the answers.

"He was amazing to start with, holidays, flowers, cards for no reason, meals out, presents for no reason etc etc"
This is lovebombing. Google it and see if it sounds familiar...

I'm not so sure about the lovebombing and stonewalling comments, it could also just be that he's less into you than he was. And it does sound as though because you're a homebody who doesn't want to make friends via hobbies / activities, you're complaining that he isn't changing to accommodate you, which is actually pretty crap. There's a lot here about what he used to do for you. What do you do for him?

"I don't feel like he loves me at all, he is very stubborn and he can go days without talking whilst I try constantly to make up with him"
This is stonewalling. Google again, you’ll recognise the behaviour I’m sure.

@hidingtonothing Yes, I am sure I could easily get a job back home. I was earning more money before I came to live with him. I would love the confidence I used to have, I was so much happier 😞 he didn't have the best childhood which is why I feel I should give him some leeway but I know that is no excuse for him to treat me the way he does.

I wouldn’t bother giving him leeway.
Therapy is what he needs for his bad childhood and it isn’t your responsibility to put up with his residual issues.

If your relationship is this bad already, only 3 years in, it is dead in the water. Separate before you are either financially entangled or have a child. It's easy to leave now - do it.

@Ivorhughjars I keep his house clean and tidy, I wash, dry and put away all his clothes, I walk and look after his dog when he works overtime, I make him dinner. I buy him little treats here and there. I have given up buying him anything bigger as he shows no appreciation. We don't have the time to go for meals or days out anywhere as he is always busy with his hobbies and when we do it always ends in him speaking to me in the way he does so quite frankly I just don't see the point anymore

@GinNotGym19 I have given him plenty of chances to agree to end it and he won't. He says he wants to be with me but I need to change. I have packed my things and left before and he begged me to come back. He has had plenty of times to walk away but he always asks for me back. I just dont understand it

Best way to boost your confidence would be to find yourself as the apple of someone else’s eye instead of this loser .

You're right, there is no point for you, there is literally no benefit to you in being with him. There's plenty of benefit for him, he gets company, his house kept nicely, his dog looked after etc etc, which is why he doesn't want to split but he's also not willing to give anything in return. He's a selfish prick OP and you deserve (and need or you wouldn't be so unhappy) so much better. Don't feel guilty walking away, he had his chance to treat you well and he blew it, that's on him

Reading your latest update, you sound like a live in house maid rather than his partner!

@pinkflipflop85 Yes it does sound like that! I must admit I do enjoy cleaning and tidying, but yes I can see now how this benefits him a lot. Always having a clean house/clothes! In a way I feel I owe this to him as he doesn't let me pay anything towards the house, apart from food shopping. Leaving sounds absolutely terrifying... What if I leave my job and move back home but there is a chance he will change and things could be amazing again?

Another thing that happened this morning, I heard him putting washing in the machine, when it was done I went to get it out to hang on the line. I then realised it was all his washing, none of my clothes in there at all. I always wash OUR clothes together. I was a little miffed so I asked him if he could hang his own washing outside. He raised his voice and said the dogs towel was in there which is why he only added his clothes and 'there I go moaning again'. In my mind this is not a moan at all,merely asking him to hang his own clothes up? I didn't even use a different tone of voice, but to anyone else would this seem like a moan??

Why would he want you to leave? He's got a cook, a maid, a cleaner and an emotional punch bag who is tying herself in desperate knots to please him. He treats you like shit and you react by trying harder to be his perfect woman. All with sex thrown in.

He won't change back to nice guy because nice guy was the fake bait to sucker you in. And goid has it worked! So far it sounds like two thirds of your relationship has been crap. Two thirds! A bad childhood is not a get out clause to treat others like shit. It's an excuse that he is taking full advantage of.

He has you exactly where he wants you: no rights to stay in HIS home wrapped up in facade of generosity, cleaning and cooking while he sees his friends, miserable and isolated, desperate to please, losing confidence by the day and thinking you owe him for the privilege. This is the type of relationship that makes HIM happy and you miserable.

Run.

I think I’m reading a different thread to others. I don’t see an abusive man and a hard done by woman, I see a couple in a really infantile dynamic.

I don’t see lovebombing, I see a normal start to a new relationship. I don’t see stonewalling, I see someone trying to detach from a persistent need for reassurance.

I don’t doubt he’s behaving poorly, but it must be very tiring being the sole source of finance and entertainment for another adult. I imagine your relationship dynamic is more parent/child or adult/child than adult/adult.

You’ve been there a couple of years and you’ve made no friends and developed no interests? Do you not socialise with work mates? Have you thought about trying a class or an activity just to widen your social circle? He must find it quite draining being your sole source of human social contact. That’s not attractive and not healthy imo.

You should leave. Neither of you are happy.