Is it over? Or is there still hope?

[GinLemonade]

I am late 20s and have been with DP for about 3 years now. It was a rocky start but to cut a long story short I moved nearly 200 miles away from home to be with him, I left my family, friends and job because I was so in love and so happy with the relationship, everything was new and exciting! He was amazing to start with, holidays, flowers, cards for no reason, meals out, presents for no reason etc etc. Things were perfect I settled down with a new job living in his house and loving the change. Until around a year or two after things gradually changed. The happiness and romantic gestures disappeared, we started to bicker more, I felt alone, had no friends here whilst he was out with all his friends, keeping busy with all his hobbies whilst my life consisted of working and spending my evenings and weekends sat at home on my own. It has been like that since but has got worse, I have broken down to him numerous times and explained I am not happy and I feel lonely and at my age it is very hard to make friends when I dont particularly have 'hobbies' and no children. He said this was my fault, its my fault I dont have friends and I need to go out and find some. He doesn't understand this is almost impossible for me! I work long hours and once I am home I concentrate on looking after my dog and I dont really feel like being out all evening taking up 'hobbies'. We lived very different lifestyles growing up, he is used to being busy with football etc whereas I have always been happy with my family at home relaxing and used to be a party girl so spent my weekends partying! It has got to the stage where I cannot say anything to him as every single thing I say I am 'moaning'. He snaps at everything I say for example I came home from work the other day and he was upstairs, I went up happy and smiling and casually said 'what ya doing?' Almost as a rhetorical question! He snapped and said 'putting clothes away IS THAT ALRIGHT?!!!' his tone of voice and the way he speaks to me is shocking and this happens all the time. He placed a toy on my dogs back and when I saw I went to him in the other room laughing and asked if it was him who did that to the dog, his snappy reply was 'what sort of stupid question is that!!!' . I try my hardest to be jolly and jokey but all I get is snappy answers and being spoken to like a child 😞 I don't feel like he loves me at all, he is very stubborn and he can go days without talking whilst I try constantly to make up with him. My confidence is at rock bottom, he doesn't make me feel good about myself at all and I'm constantly comparing myself to others recently. I do everything to make myself feel and look better for a confident boost, I get my eyelashes and brows done, I have more make up than a make up store and I still cant do anything to boost my confidence looks wise. I know there are other ways to boost confidence but this is my way. I never used to be like this so I am starting to think it is him making me feel like this. Is the way he speaks and acts towards me emotional abuse? We are looking into moving house which I am hoping will make us better, but is this a bad idea? Sorry for such a long post, just after some advice...

You say ' his house ' . If you had been made to feel an equal you would be saying our house.
From what you are saying , you both work , you cook and clean ' his house ' , he has his evenings out, pursues hobbies etc. Tbh he is in a great relationship that suits his needs, where as, you are just being treated like a skivvy .
You are still in what should be the most happy, living and fun part of your relationship. I'd expect to go out together once or twice a week. Do things together at the weekend, have the occasional meal out . Yes to not living in each other's pockets 24/7 ,and it's ok to do separate things, but it's like you are just waiting for him to throw you a few crumbs every one and again.
Leave and in a few months you will be much happier and perhaps will find someone who deserves you and treats you with respect.

Thanks so much for the advice so far everyone. I needed that as I am ashamed to talk to friends about the situation. Shall I try to have the talk with him tonight? .. Talking always leads to him shouting so will see how it goes...

@Sidge Of course I have made friends from work here and I have recently joined an exercise class. This is where I have said my confidence is at rock bottom as I don't even want to meet friends anymore, I have given up socializing. I have become very shy and have no confidence when meeting confident people. I am very much a homely person who enjoys being at home, especially after a long 11 hr day at work, so no most evenings I would rather not be out doing an activity. We can't both be out as that means the dogs are alone at home every evening and I would feel very guilty. I have tried numerous times to pay towards bills etc but he says no and has transferred it back into my account. He is in no way my sole source of human contact - I leave him to do his own thing and even during work we hardly speak. The only time we ever see eachother is a few hours in the evenings

@Sidge .. Sorry that should say New people , not confident people...

@Victoriabun Yes I always see it as his house. He lived here before we met and doesn't let me pay anything so I don't feel like it is ours. I wanted to move house which is/was the next step. Then it would have been 'our' house. We go out for food sometimes, we went out last night for a little walk along the beach front and food, we got along really well and I was starting to think maybe he had realised, but on the way back it was ruined as apparently 'I spoke to him like s**t' 🤷‍♀️ If anything I was trying my hardest to carry on the nice evening, I wouldnt have spoken to him like anything which could ruin it. I feel I can't do anything right, I'm scared to say anything incase he takes it the wrong way

@GinLemonade oh ok. It read like all you did was work and be at home, and that’s no life is it?

It sounds like it’s run it’s course and if you’re miserable then maybe it’s time to move on. You deserve more than that, you’re so young.

I'm not sure I would tell him yet tbh OP, I'd get your plans in place and tell him when you're ready to go. If he doesn't take it well and things turn nasty you don't want to be stuck there while you sort yourself out.

@hidingtonothing I mean the talk to try and sort it out. I still stupidly want to give it one more go, just incase

I wouldn't waste your time trying to ''be upbeat around him''. That is walking on eggshells around him.

You say you want to give it another go. Well ironically if that is your desire at this point, trying to be upbeat around him when he's checked out will turn him off more.

He has devalued you but he hasn't the balls to end it it with you.

I'd find somewhere else to live. You have your job luckily. You're not financially dependent on him. Just move out. While he's weighing up his options as he sees it, remove yourself as an option.

I agree with the suggestion to read back your post. You say you want to give it a go but unless you want to lose all self-respect for yourself and erode you self-esteem and make him devalue you even more, then MOVE OUT. He may not want you anymore but the only thing that will make him reassess his evaluation of you will be if you don't tolerate the de-valuation. If you stick around trying to be upbeat around a man who has clearly devalued you, nothing good will happen.

What's the point talking OP?

You're better off waiting til you have a place sorted. I would move in to a rented house if you're quite young.

I mean like a house share.

Yeah no point talking.
He’ll promise the world while subtlety undermining your confidence by making suggestions as to how you can improve.
Before long you’ll be pregnant in his home.
Stuck there all day with a baby and a partner who comes home of an evening with a face like a smacked arse. The holidays, the flowers, the treats will all be gone and before you know it he’ll be rationing your toilet paper and shagging prostitutes. This is the trajectory of relationships like yours, generally 🤷‍♀️

@31ruecambon75001 If I move it will be back to my parents for a while, back to my family and friends. There is no point staying up here if the relationship really is over

@GinLemonade he doesn't want to split from you because being a dickhead to you makes him feel better about himself.

If he can create upset in you, if he can generate strong emotional reactions in you then he gets to feel powerful.

He feels various inadequacies and he is making you responsible for his emotions.

THIS is why this type of man won't let you go!! This is why the keep you around to be an arsehole to you! Being an arsehole is an excellent coping mechanism. It drains you right?? Every time he snaps and you and criticises you and tuts at you and sighs at you - you feel drained and confused and upset right? Well the hit that your sense of self takes there generates his ego. In that moment, having had the power to make you feel like a piece of self-doubting people-pleasing crap makes him feel very powerful. It's an illusion though. He wouldn't do this if he had a healthy self-esteem. He'd let you go! He keeps needing you back to be horrible to you because he can only ever feel better about himself by temporarily inflating his ego. And he does that by making you responsible for the sides of himself that he can't face.

You would be wasting your time trying to give it another go. I wasted 7 years with a man who made me responsible for the emotions and inadequacies in himself that he couldn't face.

This relationship has reached its natural end. Most relationships don’t last a lifetime. This one was great at the start, OK in the middle and bad at the end (now). That’s how most relationships go, tbh!

There are many benefits to you moving back home: more friends, more family, more money, fewer chores, fewer arguments, less stress, no eggshells, more confidence... I don’t see the point staying.

Also, he might have let you pay zero rent because he wanted you to have no future claim on the property. It might not be a selfless gesture, it could be a selfish one.

This is over. Time to fly.

I married and had kids with a guy exactly like this. He hasn’t changed. It’s always all about him. He wants his cake and eat it as well. I wish I’d left before kids. I’m now stuck hours away from friends. It’s really really shit. Do yourself a huge favour, do not be me. Pack a bag and go stay with your parents. At least take a week out and go home and have a rethink. I wish I’d done that.

He won't end it but wants you to so he won't be the bad guy

He's showing you he doesn't care

It’s not going to get any better than it already is and it will probably get worse. Is that all you want out of life?

I wouldn’t have a talk or give him a second chance. I’d just pack my bags and leave for a happier life. If you don’t he will no doubt talk you into staying for another cycle of lovebombing followed by stonewalling. Don’t waste more time on him, it’s not going to work out. Sorry

I think that you may love each other but you're too different to be able to have a relationship together. So, you love hil but you're frustrated because he spends most of his free time doing hobbies and with friends and he loves you and doesn't want you to leave but the way you don't have hobbies or local friends frustrate him. In my opinion, you both need to sit down and discuss it and agree to both compromise or split up.

Before you met him, you were, YOU.
Once you moved you became his girlfriend, living in his house, working in his town, cooking and cleaning for him and nurturing his dogs. Do you not see how you now have no identity of your own? Even back home, because that is home, you will be referred to as 'oh she moved away to be with her boyfriend.'

If you can, claim back YOUR identity. I don't believe from what you have said he wants this relationship but perhaps the guilt and pressure that you moved your entire life to be with him is what stops him from walking away. So in a way he 'puts up' with the fact that you're there, in 'his' home wanting 'his' time and impeding on 'his' life.
He may lack the emotional maturity and emotional intellect to even understand this as his underlying problem and it comes out of him in the way he speaks to you and views you. He washed his and the dogs things together, intentionally or not, it's how he sees his life in his head. You're just 'there'.

Sweetheart, there is no relationship anymore. The honeymoon period was fun and then reality kicked in but how do you say to someone that has left their entire life for you, 'yeah sorry, I'm not feeling this anymore....' At best he is a coward for not exploring why he feels how he does.

You cannot build a life with someone who is showing you that he simply doesn't want that. The not letting you pay towards bills, initially it would have been because you moved so far, later it's become another way of keeping you detached from 'his' home.
Nothing will change if you move, in fact the move will never happen.

My advice would be to move back or somewhere different entirely and build yourself up. Don't do it for him or anyone else, do it for you because you matter.

This relationship, it isn't working and it probably won't do in the future either.

Take back your power OP, sounds like you are doing everything to please him

I suspect he doesn't let you pay anything towards the house so you will have no claim on it when he kicks you out. If you'd been contributing towards the mortgage and had your name on household bills it might have made it awkward for him. As it is, he could put you out tomorrow, change all the locks and you'd have no comeback.

And he sounds as though he might be prepared to do that.

Go back, OP. Leave this guy. Whether he's knowingly abusive, infantile or just a miserable bastard who likes to accuse you of what he is guilty of, or is even just having an affair, you are not happy together. Leave him and forget what 'used' to be, it's not coming back. Why should it, he stopped the flowers and presents and things and you still stayed and did his washing for him...

Update: I decided to write a 5 page letter to him whilst he was at football and then I took my dog for a long walk so I could have a think. He has text to say he is not replying to the letter until he is calm and can 'process the bullshit I am talking about'. He then text to say 'basically you've read aload of bollocks on mumsnet and automatically think its right'. That made me laugh (am I really on Mumsnet that much?!!) I thought the letter may have made him acknowledge things.. I think it's safe to say it is well and truly over. Thank you everyone x

Seriously I’d be more secretive with your internet browsing if I was you. There are some red flags about your man.

How quickly do you think you can tie things up there and go home? I agree with Thegull about the red flags so the sooner the better I think. Sorry OP, I know it wasn't the outcome you wanted