Would you tell your child or keep your greasy beak out?

[Barndoorbunny]

My child (young adult) is in a large age gap relationship. I have found extensive information about this person buried online. I admit, it took some digging. Do I confess what I found (it's not great) or keep my greasy beak out as it's none of my business & just be here for them? I don't believe my child has the full facts of this other person.

What did the digging involve - a bit of googling? Or did you go and talk to people directly about him?

Impossible to say without knowing what you found out or how you found it out. Is it fact or opinion? Is it in the public domain or not?

I would say "have you googled xxx? I normally find good info on zzz website"

Also, hardly outing if you are new/nc

So what is it, if people know they can say if you are overreacting

Difficult to know without further info. However you have to think the girl is having sex with this man and may therefore accidentally get pregnant to him (as no form of contraception is 100% effective). He would be the father. Does that make it any more worrying?

I know if my mum had told me something I didn’t want to hear it would very much depend on how she related the information as to how I would react.

If she said your dp was married six times (or whatever the thing is) and I can’t stand that, so he will never be welcome in our house again and you must dump him right now, then I would have chosen him over her as I was young and stupid and be determined to believe nothing that painted him in a bad light.

However if she said that she found something that everyone could see when she randomly googled him but my bfs are my choice whomever I want to date she will respect my decision and she’s still be accepting of him in the house, then I’d feel more that I could make my own mind up. And it keeps the door open so the girl doesn’t run off to be with him without the backup of parents, which is so important for when young ones realise they are scared or want away from a man and need a bolthole, backup and advice.

Perhaps that was just me. But you know when someone says you can’t have something you just want it more...!

As someone else said, if she later finds out you knew and didn’t tell her it won’t end well.

If the information is outing and you can't even go as far as telling us if your child is male or female and their age, why not talk about it privately with someone and leave MN for people that actually want advice?

No one can give advice with zero context or information

If I was dating someone with a history of domestic violence or offences against a child, I would definitely want to know. Something like addiction issues I’d be more on the fence about. If it’s just a case of bad judgment or something then maybe not so much. It’s hard now you know whatever it is, because you can’t unknow it.

As others have said, it's impossible to know without you telling us what it is you've found out.

If he's been inside for murder or abuse, tell her.

If you've just found something saying he's been done for driving without insurance, don't.

I am assuming the truth will be somewhere in the middle of those.

Completely depends on what the information is.

If they've been in prison, domestic violence, rape, sex offended etc, then yes.

Why is everyone suggesting a quick Google when op has said it took extensive digging? I googled someone I needed to know information about (whether it was worth taking them to court etc) and it took several focused searches to find some interesting stuff.

I know seasoned adults might appreciate anonymous notes but as a teen/early 20s it would have added a distraction of trying to work out who the "messenger" was rather than focusing on the information itself.

(Not "everyone", a few posters!)

Umm yes! Of course I would. I would absolutely tell

As everyone else has said, it entirely depends what the information is. If it means she is potentially in danger, then you have to tell her regardless of any damage to your relationship. If it’s something you think he needs to tell her but he’s not dangerous, then maybe tell him you know an check whether he’s told her.

How old is you 'Child' ?

So don't share a drink driving conviction (we all make mistakes)

You should share this. Possible indication of an alcohol problem. Certainly was in my experience.

Am I the only one intrigued as to what this person has managed to do that no-one else would have. Because that's the only way this is outing.
You don't have to post well my dd Jade is 24, seeing this bloke called Melvin who's 32. And I've just found out when he was 16 he spent time in Feltham for nicking car stereos.
Just post what the person did.

A friend of mine did something years ago. He told me in the very beginning and why. I understood why and he is no longer in that situation. Still years later he's still seen as a wrong 'un by people who don't really know him. I've had people come up to me telling me about this and how I should run for the hills.

Paint the person in a good light generally, or just to you / your standards?

Yes, it is massively subjective and also depends on whether the person seems otherwise good or it's confirming a worry.

Some people would consider, for example, a minor drug conviction 10 years ago sign of a massively immoral terrible criminal, other people (like me) could chalk it down to youthful mistake, especially if the person seems otherwise fine.

I would consider the anonymous letter route with this tbh. This way the information is imparted to your DC and they can do whatever they think fit without feeling under pressure from you and you also get no blame.

Assuming you and DC have a good relationship and you aren’t a paranoid busybody always trying to bother into their life then I don’t think of matters what you’ve found, you should tell them regardless. I know I wouldn’t mind at all if my lovely mum had done a bit of sleuthing and found out something about someone I was seeing that she thought I should know. It might be that she and I had entirely different views on whether the “something” is important or bothers me, or it might be that that I already knew anyway; but I wouldn’t be annoyed or upset with her for caring and looking out for me, providing she didn’t expect me to act in the information in the way she would if it wasn’t something I thought a big deal (and she wouldn’t.(

I do love the saying keep your greasy beak out though...not heard that one before.

Has the partner been convicted of something?

Is your child in danger? That would be my primary concern.
And has the DP harmed another person eg rape, sexual abuse, etc?

Bit annoying to say can I have advice on something but I cant tell u what that something is 🙄🤷‍♀️

I fail to see how if you told us it would be outing?

For instance if it's a assault charge you found, well my "child is with someone who got banged up for assault".hardly outing theres thousands out there

How do you expect advise on half the information. Do what you think is right

Also the excessive digging makes it seem like you almost wanted to find something out.