Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Would you tell your child or keep your greasy beak out?

74 replies

Barndoorbunny · 14/09/2019 08:01

My child (young adult) is in a large age gap relationship. I have found extensive information about this person buried online. I admit, it took some digging. Do I confess what I found (it's not great) or keep my greasy beak out as it's none of my business & just be here for them? I don't believe my child has the full facts of this other person.

OP posts:

KOKOtiltomorrow · 14/09/2019 08:41

OP is keeping the DCs gender out of it. I’m on the fence. Agree we need more context eg the partner spent 6 months in jail for tax evasion versus the partner did 6 months in jail for looking at child porn online

KatherineJaneway · 14/09/2019 08:42

You've either name changed or are a first time poster so you will not be 'outing' yourself.

How can anyone advise without knowing what you found out.

steppemum · 14/09/2019 08:45

here's the problem.
The only way you could have foudn out something in this context is if you were digging and looking.

If you had stumbled over it, then of course you should share it. But as you found it by extensive digging, you have to be prepared for the fact that you child will be angry with you for doing that digging. I would find it a massive invasion of privacy if my mum had done that, and would remain angry with her, even if I took the information on board and ended the relationship.

So, for the sake of your child, yes you should tell.
But it will fundamentally change your relationship with them

Littletabbyocelot · 14/09/2019 08:47

I think it would have to be something indefensible or you risk alienating your child. So don't share a drink driving conviction (we all make mistakes), a previous marriage and kids (he was so hurt because evil ex wife took them away), previous membership of the bnp (he's changed) etc. Really only share convictions for domestic violence /sexual offenses/child abuse.

You risk cutting them off from your support if you make your disapproval clear.

NerrSnerr · 14/09/2019 08:49

It really does depend if they've spent time in jail for murder or once shagged the members of the Rolling Stones.

Without any indication on what the information is it really is impossible to advise.

Ilikethisone · 14/09/2019 08:50

What does poor light mean?

My dp was arrested for driving without a license at 17. That paints him in poor light. He is now 40. Never been in trouble since.

The facts were that his mother wasnt around and his dad was violent. His dad threatend to beat him up and make him homeless if he didnt drive to the nearest shop and get him some vodka.

Dp was badly abused growing up. Thata how he ended up driving without a license at 10pm. Terrified his dad would beat him or kick him out.

People know the bare facts. They dont know the detail and I wouldn't judge him on a stupid mistake he made when he was 17 anyway.

GreekOddess · 14/09/2019 08:51

There is absolutely no point in starting this thread if you are going to post cryptically.

CIareIsland · 14/09/2019 08:55

I think that if you followed your instincts that told you there was something bad about this person that you had to research them - and then your instincts have proved correct then you will not be able to hold yourself back from telling your child.

However how or if you should tell your child depends on what the “bad light” actually is. Your “bad light” might not be someone else's definition. Also from your research it depends who painted the “bad light” - it might be biased.

If it something that could hurt your child or out then at risk then of course you have a responsibility to do this.

How and when you communicate this is important. Equally important is providing or signposting objective info and support for them to either protect themselves within the relationship or plan an exit strategy safely if or when they choose to leave.

happycamper11 · 14/09/2019 08:57

Does he have kids that no one knows about or something? That on its own might not be worth mentioning but if there were specific circumstances ie he's not allowed contact as he's a danger is another matter. Or has he broken a law, taken drugs? All depends how historical something like that is. Impossible to give an accurate answer with no idea what it is you've found

GilbertMarkham · 14/09/2019 09:03

Tell me anonymously?

Print everything, stick in envelope, post to them. Presumably they live at home/not with this person and the person couldn't intercept it(?)

GilbertMarkham · 14/09/2019 09:03

*Tell them

I already know from MN

popehilarious · 14/09/2019 09:07

Don't send anonymously , it adds another level of drama and might scare them into thinking they're being watched etc.

CaMePlaitPas · 14/09/2019 09:10

You found information online but you think that your child, a young adult, who probably lives on the internet/phone hasn't already done a quick google search of their partner's name. Give over OP. They obviously know and don't want you knowing.

CIareIsland · 14/09/2019 09:12

Do you think the “bad light” is just the tip of the iceberg (most people's transgressions are not reported in public) ?

Are the nature of the transgressions what your gut had suspected?

Elision · 14/09/2019 09:15

This secretive nonsense is boring and attention-seeking. Is your child in danger? Is this partner a racist or a homophobe or a misogynist? Unless you can unequivocally say no- then tell. If this mystery is that they were nicked for selling some skunk 10 years ago or similar, then ignore it. You know the answer to your question, you’re just larking about on mumsnet for attention.

TheAlternativeTentacle · 14/09/2019 09:17

What do you mean bad light?

To be honest, if it is that mild that you are asking mumsnet, it can't be all that bad and you should perhaps just let them get on with it.

If you think it is important enough you wouldn't have asked.

GilbertMarkham · 14/09/2019 09:26

might scare them into thinking they're being watched etc.

If someone sent me something anonymously about someone I was seeing, I wouldn't presume I was "being watched"(!) .. I'd presume someone who knew them and had been a victim (as such) of them, either directly or indirectly, was concerned for the next person involved with them and wanted to let them know, but felt they couldn't do it in person due to various understandable circumstances.

pikapikachu · 14/09/2019 09:27

I assume that it's crime or a secret child(ren).

I would have to tell my children because if the roles were reversed then I'd want to know. My motives would be pure - it will hurt them more if they find out years later because they are more attached.

GilbertMarkham · 14/09/2019 09:29

It's pretty common anywhere other than a fairly large city to see people you know out and about with their eg new partner and to be able to find out who they are through the grapevine; doesn't mean anyone's "being watched".

bobstersmum · 14/09/2019 09:30

So this could be absolutely anything. He was once bankrupt, he was once done for drink driving, he is on racist forums, he used to be a woman, he's a paedophile, he's been in prison, he's been into drugs, he's a thief, he collects my little ponies. We can't advise unless you tell us.

Ilikethisone · 14/09/2019 09:30

Yeah cause no parent has ever, interfered in their kids relationships just because they feel the have the right too.

Or that they just devise they domt like the relationship so cause trouble

GilbertMarkham · 14/09/2019 09:32

You could do it anonymously op and they'd then have the facts without you having to say you looked into them and found this out .. however it's probably going to.come out sooner or later who sent them the info and it's probably best all round that you tell them yourself/openly.

ThatCurlyGirl · 14/09/2019 09:34

As PPs have said without knowing what it is even vaguely nobody can really advise.

I would be scared by receiving an anonymous note in the post because either a stranger has found my address or a friend knows information but is unwilling to tell me face to face which would make me less trusting of people in my life. I've been stalked though so that might be an over reaction on my part.

If I did get an anonymous note I'd be straight on the phone to my mum to tell her and ask for her advice, if she then did that you're weaving a very tangled web.

I think essentially if it's something bad / dangerous / damning enough that you think she must know it, then you should be brave enough for her to hear it from you.

SlightlySleepy · 14/09/2019 09:41

Tell her! Imagine if she found out in a year's time and you said "oh yeah, I knew that ages ago", she'd quite rightly be annoyed with you. The alternative would be to lie and pretend you didn't know, which isn't great either. You know now and you can't unknow. So you'll have to tell her, even if she is irritated about you googling him, it's hardly a crime and we've all googled people in the past.

Oakandlove · 14/09/2019 09:50

You can't get advice without saying what 'type' of information you found, a pointless thread otherwise.

Flip

1 2 3