Are you a female with Aspergers with a good relationship?

[DifficultSituation19]

I’m wondering if it’s actual possible! I’m in my late thirties and through the diagnosis of my children with ASD, I’ve come to learn a fair bit about it and realised I have it as well. It’s been quite fascinating to reframe everything through the lens of ASD and suddenly everything makes perfect sense, and it’s given me a degree of comfort to know why I do certain things.

My relationship history is terrible, and now I understand that may largely be due to ASD. Communication problems, intimacy problems, me being off in my own little world rather than present in a relationship. Also being too trusting of wrong uns because I take things at face value and am not good at understanding deception.

I have reluctantly come to accept that I will never get married, and probably never cohabit with anyone. This makes me sad in one sense, but on the other hand I’m happiest in my own company, so maybe it’s for the best.

I have been with my current (NT) boyfriend for nearly 2 years. He also likes his own space and we don’t live together. He is very kind and does a lot to help me, and I do love him. But there are intimacy problems, he doesn’t feel I show enough of it, which he feels he needs, and I don’t (can’t?) do intimacy. As a result of this, we don’t really have sex anymore, maybe a handful of times in the last 6 months. It’s a bit of a stalemate because he wants intimacy I can’t give him in order for that to lead to sex. I want sex but can’t do intimacy. I feel bad for him because I know he gets sad about this, but I do try to do little things to show him I love him (which actually sometimes make him cry as he knows how unnatural this is for me!).

We seem to be drifting off in different directions. He has said occasionally that if he left I wouldn’t really care...and in a way he’s right. I would be sad and I’d find it very hard if he was with someone else, but at the same time I’d be back in my comfort zone of not having to worry about someone else’s feelings, and being by myself again. I don’t want that to be my comfort zone, but it is, that’s how I’m wired. It upsets me that I’m hurting him and I’m wondering if I should set him free to find someone who isn’t so fucking weird.

Does this situation resonate with anyone else? Should I make peace with the fact that I’m probably going to be old and lonely (except for animals...I find them a lot easier than people)?

Maybe you will be alone but will you be lonely?

I'm weird apparently. I've been told I'm quirky. I don't know if I have aspergers. I'm an introvert and I can quite easily spend days living in my own head. I can find enough to think about to keep me busy without speaking for hours. Days even sometimes. I'm married and very happy. Although I find DH needs a lot of attention!!

You say that you are happy and content on your own, so why do you then say you might be lonely?

I'm mid 40s. Marriage failed at 37. Well, it was failing from the start really but that's when it ended.

I'm single and feel much more content since I realised, and accepted, that I'm better off single.

Ive dated NT and ND men but can't make it work. I just cant do relationships.

No thinking about it I never really get lonely so maybe I won’t be old and lonely! I suppose I worry a bit about managing for the rest of my life on my own financially, and practically if my health was bad (for example my mum is about to have a double knee replacement - she’d be completely fucked if it wasn’t for her partner). I do get envious of other people’s ‘normal’ relationships. But at the same time the thought of being in one makes me shudder!

I suspect I have Aspergers, I just haven't yet had the nerve to go to the GP. My (NT) DH (amongst others) is convinced that I have it. We've been together 21 years and married 19. He's my best friend and he totally understands me and how I operate, far better than I do myself. He is the one pushing me to seek a diagnosis as he thinks it will make me like myself and accept myself more.

I have. My partner is very likely on the spectrum too and has worked with people on it. He completely gets me and how I work. He did say others may struggle as to them I may appear selfish, but he understands I'm not at all, I just don't even think about it and if it's outside of my routine or comfort zone, then it hasn't occured to me.

I'm learning a lot. I'm the opposite with sex and intimacy though. I need it a lot. Funnily enough, I hate people touching me in general but with DP I can't get enough and we are all over each other. I think our compatibility in this area definitely helps. As his understanding of how I think. Ex never got it (NT) and never even tried.

I've recently been diagnosed with ASD but I have never had problems with intimacy. In fact I've been told I have a gift for it. However I am totally useless at small talk and understanding hidden agendas. School gate politics made me very uncomfortable. ASD affects me in lots of other ways and having a diagnosis has made sense of a lot of things.

I'm a widow now but my marriage was extremely happy. We were together for 17 years. He loved me living in my head, because I would emerge to share ideas with him. He loved that I was unusual.

The answer is to find someone who finds your weirdness/quirkiness a feature rather than a bug. Be open about who you are, don't try to conceal it. Because you want to weed out people who won't like who you are. There are men out there who will love you.

My bf is very understanding and makes a lot of allowances for me having ASD, and generally amusing/charming for my weird little ways in day to day life (although there’s some things like my messiness I’m sure he’d like to change). But the intimacy thing is a problem. For example there was one time I came to bed and he held out his arm and asked if I wanted a cuddle. I thought about it and replied no. Because I didn’t. He looked like he’d been slapped.

I have aspergers and I dont think im bad at relationships, but I do think people find me tricky to live with. Me and my partner of 14 years dont live together, but I think its a pretty good relationship in many ways. I also think hes aspie too. We have lived together and split twice over the years and settled down now into a LAT relationship and we give each other breaks from the kids and see each other a lot and communicate on skype a lot too.
I do wonder sometimes though, if people ive had relationships with, overlook some stuff because im reasonably attractive and enjoy sex. Also im a bit unconventional and ive mainly had relationships with people who are also a unconventional and open minded in many ways.

I think it would be difficult for an asexual person to have a full relationship with someone who liked sex a lot, whether they were aspie or not.

I do get envious of other people’s ‘normal’ relationships. But at the same time the thought of being in one makes me shudder!

This completely!

Part of the problem I have is that I look quite young for my age and I'm not very 'grown up' - I skip when I'm happy; jump and clap when I'm excited; I'm not 'immature' but I am quite 'young' (so I've been told). I know it irritates some people and others think it's quite endearing. I dont really care what other people think - it just what I do.

The problem is that I attract men who are drawn to me because they think I'm going to be sweet and compliant because I come across as 'girl-ish'. But then they find I'm not and they don't like it because I do have my ways of doing things and my routines and my 'normal' all of which I want to keep doing.

Men tend to assume I'll just do what they want and I wont.

That's a big part of the problem.

The best and worst relationship I had was with an autistic man. The best because I felt totally at ease around him it the worst because our traits clashed terribly.

@youseeitstrue are you me?! I completely get what you’re saying

In autistic and have been happily married for over a decade however thats not to say its always been easy. I have had to learn to compromise and so has he.. me to realise that my perception of things isnt always everyone else's reality and him that my bluntness isnt rude and my need to control everything is to relieve anxiety not to be a controlling cow

My daughter has High functioning autism, so does my dad and several of my cousins. I have recently been diagnosed too.
With my partner, sometimes we struggle with communication. He feels he is talking to me and I am completely unresponsive, but in my mind I am trying to decipher and make order of what he has said. As he helps me deal with my daughter he has a really good understanding of how to cope, and although he often gets frustrated with my lack of emotion or response, he is amazing. Super patient with me and my daughter.

I'm aspergers diagnosed and been married 6 years to NT DH.
It's a difficult relationship if I'm honest. I need to do things my way, for anxiety reasons and I struggle with intimacy.

I am recently diagnosed with autism and have a NT partner. It was going to couples therapy that led me to pursue a diagnosis - my partner had issues with me needing and enjoying a lot of alone time - not really missing them and wanting everything in my life to stay the same and on my terms.
Our therapist is great actually and I don’t think we would still be together if we hadn’t found her - she understands enough about autism to explain to my NT partner what I mean/how I feel/think isn’t a reflection on them, but just the way my brain is wired. If you can find someone to help you I recommend. Also the book 22things a woman with aspergers wants her partner to know by Rudy Simone (available on amazon) was really helpful for my partner.

I have ASD and am married. DH seems OK with it; he's not overly touchy-feely himself so it seems to work out for us. Sometimes we get crossed wires and get annoyed with each other, but it always gets sorted. I am actually better at social situations than he is; he's NY but very shy. I couldn't abide living with anyone else though. Also helps that he doesn't want kids, as I find all of that sort of thing utterly repugnant.

NT - stupid autocorrect

I suppose I worry a bit about managing for the rest of my life on my own financially, and practically if my health was bad (for example my mum is about to have a double knee replacement - she’d be completely fucked if it wasn’t for her partner

Take the money you'll save feeding and housing a man for years and put it towards 4 weeks of in-home nursing care. You'll have plenty of change left over...and the care will be better.

'But the intimacy thing is a problem. For example there was one time I came to bed and he held out his arm and asked if I wanted a cuddle. I thought about it and replied no. Because I didn’t. He looked like he’d been slapped.'

With this paragraph you put on here, when you thought about it, what was the reason that put you off? Is it part of your condition?

Yes, I've been married 18 years now, not the perfect relationship by any means - I think he used to feel rejected by my inability to be all gushy-lovey-dovey but gets it now (thanks to having an ASD dd) and understands that it isn't rejection. It helps, though, that I like sex a lot so that has never been an issue (think Saga from The Bridge ).

My previous relationship history was terrible though! But, on the positive side, I couldn't be gaslighted or emotionally manipulated so got away from a couple of badduns relatively easily. I think it was sheer dumb luck that I met DH when I did.

@browngirl40 I just didn’t want one at that moment (I often don’t want to be touched) but from his hurt reaction I then realised I was supposed to cuddle him anyway rather than be blunt and say I didn’t want to. Is that what a NT person would do?

Whats a NT?
Does he understand you often don't want to be touched? If you didn't feel like it, it was right that you said no.

@browngirl40 NT = neurotypical

OP I am likely but not diagnosed ASD. My eldest daughter is diagnosed and my youngest is in the process and almost all my male relatives are diagnosed. I would say my traits are very mild, but undeniable. I am able to put up with a lot of things such as social events I'd rather not go to etc. I am ok with physical affection from my children, but not so much with my partner. It's something I do for him not me. It's not natural to me. I'd truly hate to be outright asked if I'd like a cuddle, but I'd be very unlikely to say no like that. Mind you I have outright brushed him off and told him not to touch me when I'm eating before.

I've lived with my current partner for 10 years, and it is often hard, but it is what I want, especially for the children. I think it is better for them to have a NT role model every day. However... I worry more about having to nurse him through old age than I worry about caring for myself alone.

OP I'm NT (looking here because we have autism in the family) and no, I don't think you're obliged to give him a hug. However I might interpret his offer as a request for a hug, and a bald "no" in response can come across a bit abrupt. I'd probably provide the hug that I think he is asking for, but if not I would say something like "sorry I'm a bit touched out at the moment" rather than just "no".

That probably sounds ridiculously convoluted - why can't NTs just say what they mean?! But I think it is just meant as a low pressure request and he is putting your feelings (that you might not want to hug him) over his own (that he would like a hug), by asking in such a way that you can say no. Maybe just put him down more gently next time!

Wait, so, when my (NT) partner of 17 years reaches out to me and says "Do you want a hug" he actually means "I want a hug"? And I'm not just supposed to say "No thanks" if I'm not in the mood?

That would explain a lot.