Are you a female with Aspergers with a good relationship?

[DifficultSituation19]

I’m wondering if it’s actual possible! I’m in my late thirties and through the diagnosis of my children with ASD, I’ve come to learn a fair bit about it and realised I have it as well. It’s been quite fascinating to reframe everything through the lens of ASD and suddenly everything makes perfect sense, and it’s given me a degree of comfort to know why I do certain things.

My relationship history is terrible, and now I understand that may largely be due to ASD. Communication problems, intimacy problems, me being off in my own little world rather than present in a relationship. Also being too trusting of wrong uns because I take things at face value and am not good at understanding deception.

I have reluctantly come to accept that I will never get married, and probably never cohabit with anyone. This makes me sad in one sense, but on the other hand I’m happiest in my own company, so maybe it’s for the best.

I have been with my current (NT) boyfriend for nearly 2 years. He also likes his own space and we don’t live together. He is very kind and does a lot to help me, and I do love him. But there are intimacy problems, he doesn’t feel I show enough of it, which he feels he needs, and I don’t (can’t?) do intimacy. As a result of this, we don’t really have sex anymore, maybe a handful of times in the last 6 months. It’s a bit of a stalemate because he wants intimacy I can’t give him in order for that to lead to sex. I want sex but can’t do intimacy. I feel bad for him because I know he gets sad about this, but I do try to do little things to show him I love him (which actually sometimes make him cry as he knows how unnatural this is for me!).

We seem to be drifting off in different directions. He has said occasionally that if he left I wouldn’t really care...and in a way he’s right. I would be sad and I’d find it very hard if he was with someone else, but at the same time I’d be back in my comfort zone of not having to worry about someone else’s feelings, and being by myself again. I don’t want that to be my comfort zone, but it is, that’s how I’m wired. It upsets me that I’m hurting him and I’m wondering if I should set him free to find someone who isn’t so fucking weird.

Does this situation resonate with anyone else? Should I make peace with the fact that I’m probably going to be old and lonely (except for animals...I find them a lot easier than people)?

I hate being touched if I’m upset/unhappy.

Do you want a hug? No thanks the last thing I need is more sensory input when I’m already losing it thanks.

Or Do you want a hug but meaning I’d like a hug. Not the same. Don’t ask a direct question to someone autistic if you are going to be unhappy with their truthful response. Saying no means simply no I don’t want a hug. It does not mean I reject you, I don’t like you, or any other concurred thinking. It means nothing more or less than the simple answer to a question.

I bet if the guy asking had said “I could do with a cuddle” he would have received one

screw obviously I can't speak for all NT people of the world. If just "no" works in your relationship, great. And I'm probably overthinking, I do that a lot .

BringMoreCoffee it is bloody exhausting having to double think potential nuances all the time and equally tiring having to reframe speech to be less direct. I totally understand it’s a polite thing to do but it’s so tiring, it would be nice to not have to do it with those you are close to.

Concurred convoluted

I know, but OP was wondering why her partner looked so hurt.

I'm autistic (diagnosed on the NHS five years ago) and I have a great relationship with my DH. He's an undiagnosed autistic, and I find that really helps him understand my need for space. Ours isn't a 'typical' relationship and we probably appear quite distant to outsiders (I can never do PDAs) but we are both happy with that.

I am not into cuddles but DH is. So he often gives me a cuddle, and I stand there allowing him to cuddle me (and sometimes I dutifully put my arms around him) but I don't get anything out of it, but at the same time I don't mind indulging in his need for it (although sometimes it interrupts what I'm doing). I don't get the sensory overload that a lot of autistic people have, so it doesn't bother me to be touched.

I have a high sex drive but I'm not particularly intimate or affectionate. That works fine for us.

I was single for a long time before I met DH, although I had a lot of casual relationships. Honestly I think that if I hadn't met him, I would have been quite content to remain single. I never wanted to find someone to marry, in an abstract sense - it was more that I met DH and wanted to marry him specifically. I wasn't really lonely without having a DP, and I liked living on my own, in fact it was quite stressful to change to cohabiting with another adult and I can only cope with it now because I'm a sahm so now I get plenty of 'alone' time when DH is at work. So I think it's perfectly possible a content life on your own, without feeling lonely, as long as you have things to keep you occupied.

I realise this is a crazy idea but wouldn’t it be nice if the people who don’t have a communication difference were the ones who were thinking about how to frame their speech?

My partner got new shoes recently and asked me what I thought. I looked at them for a while and eventually answered I have no opinion. His response was to laugh and he understood that I genuinely had no opinion. I neither really liked them or disliked them and he’s totally fine with that.

Sensory processing issues are hugely life impacting. It kills your well being to be over riding your need not to be touched for someone else’s comfort. It’s the equivalent of lie back and think of England.

OP if you and your partner can’t find a way to both be comfortable with the ways you show/receive intimacy he’s not the one for you. It doesn’t mean there isn’t a right one. Be honest from the beginning if you possibly can because not masking/emulating is really hard but ultimately not sustainable in an intimate relationship.

Well, I asked, and apparently "Do you want a hug" does indeed mean "I want a hug", and he's learnt to understand and accept receiving a response phrased in a way that people who aren't used to it might find abrupt and upsetting

I do compromise by providing lie-back-and-think-of-England hugs on a regular basis, when I'm feeling okay about being touched, as I recognise his need for frequent physical affection. Sometimes I even enjoy the first five seconds or so.

YouSeeItsTrue your post really resonates with me.
I think my quirks make me seem young and girlie. I've had friends tell me I seem naive and my appearance is younger. I'm quite laid back when I first meet someone, for no other reasons than, I don't spend too much time, I have an escape, I'm not invested, their behaviour, needs and desires have little to no impact on my routine or life.
I think DH was shocked to find I am 'fiesty' but he loves me. He says he loves me because I'm different. He said women before had been irritating and he eventually didn't enjoy spending time with them. I make few demands.

I've spent a lifetime trying to acquire the skills of tact and diplomacy but I'm often told I'm blunt. Under stress I definitely am. Although i work in a field of care that requires therapeutic skills and mindset, and have learned very accurately to analyse and understand others I can revert to being almost immune to nuances and intention when not actively trying.

I've just asked DH about the hug question. He laughed and said "pedantic bunch"

Although time on my own is easier and I'm happier, I wouldn't and never have been single for any length of time. I'm happiest having an ally. But I offset the demands by working shifts so I have time alone.

e). But the intimacy thing is a problem. For example there was one time I came to bed and he held out his arm and asked if I wanted a cuddle. I thought about it and replied no. Because I didn’t. He looked like he’d been slapped.

You do understand that this has hurt him though... whilst you have asd ... I understand your first thought was
To say no because that so now you felt but could you not teach yourself to try . You seem very self aware .

He feels he is talking to me and I am completely unresponsive, but in my mind I am trying to decipher and make order of what he has said

This is something I really struggle with. I end up overthinking everything because I'm trying to work out whether someone literally meant what they said or whether there is some sort of hidden code I'm supposed to understand and don't. It's boring, exhausting and causes no end of problems.

The hug scenario described above is really infuriating for me. I don't understand why NT people play such ridiculous games.

If someone said to me "do you want a hug?" I'd answer truthfully. But I've learnt that I'd have to think and try and remember of it were one of those situations with a double meaning and it seems it is because it can mean "I want a hug". Well if you want a hug (or whatever), ask for it! Don't start playing silly word games I'm supposed to devote my mental energy to trying to understand.

I've had similar difficulties at work when my boss has said, "you might want to try do X like this in future," because, if I didn't want to try doing it that way, I didn't. It took me far too long to realise/remember that it was an instruction not a suggestion.

I have a lovely friend now who is really direct. If she says, "if you need me, any time, you're welcome," I know she means it. Equally, she'll say, "you need to go home home I have things to do". And it means I can trust what she says.

Romantic relationships just seem to be full of these games and I haven't got time for them and don't understand them.

And now you see why I'm not the nice docile, sweet, compliant girl men expect me to be!

To say no because that so now you felt but could you not teach yourself to try

Why is it her responsibility to work out which speech she hears during the day is direct and which is this reverse word play though?

Do you realise it has to he done with nearly all communication? It's tiring and confusing.

It would be much easier if someone has a partner with asc if they were just straightforward and honest.

It isn't a case of just 'trying a bit harder' because that's like me telling you to just try a bit harder to be 6 inches taller (you'll grow if you just try harder) or communicate with everyone in Latin (they'll understand if you just try harder) or fly (you'll take off of you just try harder).

It doesn't matter what 'insight' you have. It's not possible to 'try harder'. The best I find is that I might realise where I've gone wrong or realise what the obvious solution is straight afterwards if I've had enough experience of similar and recognise their facial expression. But I can't do it in advance without a lot of effort.

If would be easier if NT people just said what they meant!

Id say if your loved one asks you if you want a hug, then they're basically saying they want one and are asking for your consent.
In that circumstance, a "no" sounds abrupt and like rejection of intimacy. Id probably say "not right now" or offer a hand hold to soften the no.

I have diagnosed ASD and have been married for a bit over 2 years, in a relationship 6. Neurotypical husband. It's my longest relationship to date and while not problem-free, we are happy and affectionate.

The cuddle scenario is very relatable. I only realised fairly recently that I was allowed to not accept cuddles if someone wanted one from me, because it's a normal everyday behaviour and not like sex where there are special rules of consent.

I think DH was hurt the first time I said no/rejected him in favour of a bubble bath and an ASMR video, but we talked about it, and now he understands I'm not rejecting him, affection, future intimacy, etc, or using it to punish him for some perceived wrong, I just don't want to be compressed between arms right now. Since I started looking into it, I think I have been using dissociation to deal with people touching me when I don't want to be touched, and that probably isn't healthy so I have been using my 'No' instead of doing that.

To answer your question, OP - I guess the only thing to do is keep talking to him. It seems you value the relationship; is it actually a compatibility issue or is it about how well the relationship conforms to social norms? Are there different ways to be intimate that feel less intrusive to you that might still work for him?

Personally, while I need alone time, I seem to be mentally healthier and less dysfunctional when in a relationship as he mitigates my weirdness somewhat and helps me interface with the world. I think I have a lot to give a partner too. Might not be very emotionally open but I will work damn hard to optimise our life and happiness together. I am not a lazy partner, and I think this is true for a lot of autistic women.

I think we need to give ourselves a break sometimes and accept that our relationships and lives are never going to look like how they're supposed to, but that doesn't mean they're not capable of being very fulfilling.

I might also say, "not right now" but, actually, it's never occured to me that they are saying they want one and are basically asking for your consent.

It makes sense when put like that.

I have a high sex drive but I'm not particularly intimate or affectionate

Yes, same here. I quite often read the relationship board with a mixture of fascination and irritation when it comes to talk of sex.

I think monogamy is important in a relationship because it's the exclusionary element that's important and it's a physical need but I don't get the connection between sex and love that some people seem to have.

But the ND ex I had was the opposite. He very much associated sex with love and it was one of the things we clashed over.

my partner and I are both ASD
Weve been together 17 years but never lived together. I have one DD from a previous relationship and we have one DS together, both kids live with me.
From the outside it probably looks odd but it seems to work.

I think as long as your relationship works for you, it doesn't matter what other people think, Nettle.

It's good to hear you've found a way that works.

TirisfalPumpkin that is a very insightful post.

I think most NT partners probably do reframe their words and the responses they get. We certainly do with DS, and it takes a lot of time and energy. It does take work to meet in the middle and neither person can expect the other to go all the way. But isn't it inevitable that sometimes we get it wrong, on both sides? Maybe we just need to forgive each other more.

This reminds me of a wedding sermon I once heard; people say marriage is about give and take but really, it's about give and give. If you both commit to giving to the other person, and doing your best for them, rather than expecting to do some "taking", that is a good starting point. It sort of reframes the compromise - rather than looking for the other person to accommodate you, you're both trying to go some way towards the middle for your partner's sake.

Of course there are a myriad ways relationships work. This one makes tonnes of sense to us. I can see a more "taking" model working as long as it's fairly even, but if one person wants the "give and give" model (which I love, it makes me really happy ) and the other wants "give and take" then it is hard to navigate.

It would never have even occurred to me that him asking if you wanted a hug, meant that he wanted one! Thank god DP just says to me " I need a cuddle" and I'm happy to give it. Thankfully we are both very affectionate with each other and enjoy it. DCS are good too, most other people can stay outside my exclusion zone though 😆.

My late DH and I were absolute soulmates and both of us were autistic. Neither of us had to waste time and energy trying to decipher the weird convoluted speech/mind games that NTs play - we both just said what we meant. And we both had a very high sex drive, so were well matched.
He’s been dead for nearly 28 years but I never remarried - I never found anyone who was such a perfect partner for me.
And I still have trouble understanding what the hell NTs are on about. Just this week, I was in a shop and one of the assistants came up and asked if I was all right.
I was v puzzled and said “Why? Do I look unwell?”
She seemed rather put out, and my DD pulled me aside and said the assistant meant did I need any help with my choice of purchase.
Well, why didn’t she just say “May I help you?” like normal shop staff do?!

I have ASD and my oldest has been diagnosed too.. its difficult for my husband, especially with our DS. But! Our life is amazing! My relationship history before DH was awful! I cant stand being around people for more than a couple of hours! I have to watch what I say and do and be so careful! I hate being touched, even by my own mother... But Ive managed to find someone who I want to be around, I want to have cuddles with and I can say or do anything without having to think first! Weve been together 6 and a half years ish.. got married after 8 months because we were that sure, and are now pregnant with our 4th lil baby!

I dont know if Im a "special" or an "odd" case, but I know Ive never even tolerated someone close to how I love DH! And if I can find someone, then anyone with or without ASD can! And I strongly have to believe that, because watching my DS grow up with worse ASD than I have is fecking scary!!

Hope that helps a little bit!

I’m so happy to read this because i’ve always felt that i’m just a freak. I have aspergers and find dating really hard, i always blame the fact that im ugly but in reality i find small talk really hard and think that i must come accross as really awkward.
The only relationship i have had started at 16 and lasted for 9 years and that was abusive and controlling but i think i felt safe in it because he told me how to be.
I hate being touched and i hate having anyone in my space it stresses me out but i do envy people that have normal relationships and i do desperately want to have children.

To answer a PP’s question, yes I suppose I do worry that my relationship doesn’t really go with norms. There’s no talk of ever moving in together, both of us are past wanting more DC so that’s not an issue. We lead largely separate lives. And I stress about that and think that’s not the way it should be, but then I remember that actually I am perfectly content, I have the space I need but when we are together we have a lovely time and most of all he doesn’t really irritate me like every other partner I’ve ever had did. He is endlessly patient and understanding of me and we don’t argue or fall out. He is so kind and is always thinking of little things he can do to make my life easier/nicer.

I found this article a couple of weeks ago www.theneurotypical.com/intimacy-and-romance.html and sent it to him last week. It was a bit of a wake up call for both of us I think...it made me think how he must feel being with me and it made him realise that he will never get the intimacy he wants from me. He talked about it in his counselling session last week, I don’t really know the details but he said it’s going to be a struggle to come to terms with the reality of the dynamic between us. But he says he loves me and wants to make it work.