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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Scared to end it

62 replies

lookingforaunicorn · 13/09/2019 20:34

After some advice please.
I've been with my bf for 2.5 years. The first 10 months was bliss, I truly thought I'd found the one.
Then little cracks started appearing.

I should have dumped him ages ago but rose tinted glasses and potential got in the way.

Long story short, I'm miserable.
He is very selfish and stubborn and is a mommys boy - totally used to getting his own way and never got told growing up that anything was his fault. He was spoilt and cherished and still is.
As a bf he's a total jekll and hyde. One day it's all wonderful and the next he's vile to me.

I am going away on Monday for a week and I asked him if he was going to miss me. He didn't reply. So I said 'I'm sure you're going to miss my soft skin next to you each night'. He went mad. He said 'do you say these things so that I say them back to make you feel good? I don't want any more of your fluffy bullshit words. If I want to say nice things to you, I will.' I didn't respond but looking back on it, I think that's so mean.
I could go on and on but I think deep down I can't be in this relationship much longer- I need out. We argued on wednesday and he hasnt talked to me since!

I am nearly 31 and truly think I will never find a man who will love and respect me and want to move forward to building a life together.

My bf won't move in with me, never plans dates or going out, he doesn't lift a finger to organise holidays, we still split meals 50/50 or I pay, he constantly owes me money. For my 30th he told me he'd take me to vienna. Im nearly 31 and that's nowhere to be seen.

The reality is, I'm scared. I want to be a wife and a mum. And I just can't see it happening to me now 😕

OP posts:
Justtryingtobehelpful · 13/09/2019 23:32

Read this book.
It'll only get worse.
The Jekyll and Hyde comment is on the first page.....
Not sure this is the one for you
docdro.id/py03

Newmumma83 · 14/09/2019 06:48

@lookingforaunicorn my ex fiancé used to tell me no one would love me like him.

He also used to say he would kill my dog and burn my car if I left him , he also cheated on me ALOT ... I did run and needless to say I found someone that loved me for real and makes me happy ... people who don’t know how to love say that stupid bullshit ... x xx big hugs op! Gather your strength start disengaging now ... a better life is waiting x x

Just read a funny meme :- what’s the refund policy on my baby daddy as I rushed and picked the wrong one ... sadly it’s non refundable ... don’t waste your life with this guy x

Itsmostlygristlecath · 14/09/2019 09:49

He’s worn you down once you leave him you will get better and see how crap this was.

Itsmostlygristlecath · 14/09/2019 09:53

Also don’t rush into looking for someone, spend a bit of time building yourself back up. Of course you are worth more than this. You are really young so don’t worry. Focus on yourself for a bit and make sure you are ok.

rosesforever · 14/09/2019 09:55

I was in similar shoes once. Dump him. I did. And after some time out from a relationship I'm now happily married to a wonderful man.

Original poster
lookingforaunicorn · 14/09/2019 10:08

Thank you all ❤ I am going to do it. And take some time out for myself, look into the freedom course you've talked about and get myself built back up.
The challenge now is to stop him wrapping me round his little finger again!
At least I go away Monday for a week 😊 It's time away from him.
Not sure whether to just get my stuff from his this afternoon or let him sweat whilst I'm away.... ideas?

OP posts:
MamaBear891 · 14/09/2019 10:16

@lookingforaunicorn, get rid, I honestly get your desire to be wife and a mum but talking as someone who settled and had a baby with a complete waste of space, don’t do it. You should be with a man that respects you and know your worth and your future children should have a dad that loves their mum and visa Versa.

I don’t regret my daughter but I sure as hell regret who I choose to raise her with. Someone is out there for you that truly deserves you and they’re worth waiting for.

Justtryingtobehelpful · 14/09/2019 13:09

I think tag the book while you're away too. Get your stuff. Maybe bring a friend. Explain you want time to yourself. Don't engage in dramatic. Grey stone him. Post separation is a time when they may escalate their controlling behaviour as they see their cushy life disappear. He's worked hard to get you to this point of compliance to his needs. Your friend is back up in case it gets violent.

If he truly cares, he'll give your your stuff plus space and respect your wishes. Or, if he's selfish and entitled, he'll twist it all back on you and make your life difficult.

You'll be sure of his true colours.
Then you'll get to see his redaction from the safe distance of being away rather than him bombarding you in your local area.

Original poster
lookingforaunicorn · 14/09/2019 15:12

I felt so strong yesterday and this morning and know I need to end it.
I'm having a moment of emotional weakness because I do love him. But its not enough and he obviously doesn't love me the same way.
I feel heartbroken which im sure is normal...
He will try and wrap me around his finger again and that's what I'm worried about. He genuinely believes I won't ever leave him!

OP posts:
Bringiton2019 · 14/09/2019 15:53

Follow @Justtryingtobehelpful advice.

You will be heartbroken....but you have to do this for your mental health and well being.

Here if you need to talk.

Be strong, you can do this! Xx

user1479305498 · 14/09/2019 20:31

Well I’m not a fluffy bunny person myself but what he said was totally uncalled for. I’m sorry OP but I don’t think he loves you as you love him , having a baby and family is hard, you need a bloke who can be kind and last some distance, even if not necessarily forever , if they are like this before that point then it will get worse

TooMinty · 14/09/2019 22:04

@lookingforaunicorn, you have the advantage if he thinks you will never leave. You can walk out anytime, you have the power x

Original poster
lookingforaunicorn · 15/09/2019 01:17

I did it. I split up with him today.
He wasnt in - i just got all my stuff and left him a note. Probably cowardly but i didnt know he was gonna be out.
He messaged me when he saw my note to leave his key at my friends round the corner...

He just basically said 'I'll return your key and transfer u the money i owe u" he blocked me and my family and friends on facebook and then sent my family all messages saying goodbye!

No fight for me or nothing.

I did the right thing! Going to work on me now.

Thank you for all your advice. I feel relieved x

OP posts:
leomama81 · 15/09/2019 01:40

Well done OP! You have 100 percent done the right thing. You will find someone who truly loves you - but I will say it's better to be on your own than with an abusive narcissist any day. You've got plenty of time too - I'm 38 and just having my first baby with no problem at all. Enjoy your trip away Thanks

Justtryingtobehelpful · 15/09/2019 07:40

Excellent. Now you get to live your life without double thinking yourself. You're only late 20s. Only met my own husband at 28. Happy to hear how clean cut it was! 😁

Original poster
lookingforaunicorn · 15/09/2019 08:11

Thank you, I am glad I've done it but I feel so ill - i feel sick: i can't eat, i can't sleep....
I loved him 100%. I offered him marriage and family life on a plate - I was kind. Our whole relationship was on his terms though - I was just an observer really.
He is so selfish - he got what he wanted 100% of the time. He didn't care about my needs or wants.
Well, now he doesn't have to put up with my fluffy bullshit does he!

As bad as I feel, I have to remind myself that im worth far more. I am worthy of being loved and put first.

I hope healing is quick, this is such a horrendous feeling.

OP posts:
category12 · 15/09/2019 08:19

Well done, op. You'll get through it. Flowers

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 15/09/2019 08:22

You can do so much better than this nasty loser - and now, after you’ve recovered your equilibrium, you can!!

Take your time and never, ever settle.

Badolddays · 15/09/2019 08:26

That was brave of you but he sounded nasty and mean and you have done the right thing.

KellyHall · 15/09/2019 08:35

Your holiday will help you to realise there's a whole world out there that has nothing to do with him.

Nothing really worth doing is easy but it'll be worth giving him the boot, I promise Flowers

Ilikethemhotnearly40 · 15/09/2019 08:42

You've absolutely done the right thing. Enjoy your holiday. Flowers

VixenSixen · 15/09/2019 08:56

Well done for ending it with this arsehole of a man. Everytime you feel a moment of weakness, read this thread over and over again to remind yourself of how horrible this man is.

I wish you all the happiness in the world and well done for erasing this man out of your life x

AgentJohnson · 15/09/2019 08:59

Not sure whether to just get my stuff from his this afternoon or let him sweat whilst I'm away.... ideas?

You really are the greatest obstacle to your own happiness.

AgentJohnson · 15/09/2019 09:03

You need to start being honest about why you chose the role of doormat and it has nothing to do with you being ‘too nice’. Unfortunately for you, your bf could smell your low self esteem from miles away and did the bare minimum in the shortest amount of time to hook you.

doublebarrellednurse · 15/09/2019 09:17

Any man who tells you he's the best you'll ever get is saying it because he knows you can do better

🚩

You can move on.

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