Why has he always rushed to defend the other party?

[LittleMy20]

One of the things my husband had always done is if I even slightly criticise someone or some organisation he does not fully listen before rushing to their defence to suggest I am somehow being

Sorry pressed post too soon. He suggests I am somehow better by unfair which immediately stops me from making my full
Point and just sort of shamed me somehow. Is this something some men do to create this effect of shame? I’m really confused at the moment because these things he does which make me feel dismissed and not heard enrage me so in the end I feel
Like the bad guy and can’t work out whether I’m unreasonable. We are separated synthesis moment and I am having a really hard time settling my child who has SEN into reception and I was trying to explain to him and I could not fully do so as he immediately rushed to the schools defence: this infuriated me as I am very much a fan of the school and chose it for my child but was simply pointing out how difficult a transition it has been for our child and how the staff are not yet completely familiar with their needs and not all resources are in place. I was trying to share with him and inform him but I just felt completely cut down. He has always done this to me and I can’t work out what is really happening because I get so angry and then feel like I’m in the wrong. Please am really struggling to accept and reconcile myself with our impending divorce and have been incredibly depressed feeling like such a failure .

He always suggests I am being unfair to the other party.

And when I try to tell him anything he doesn’t look at me and just gives cursory acknowledgement. It makes me feel terrible but I don’t know if it’s because I’m too demanding. I really need help to get perspective. Anyone?

Imagine if you were still living with him and he treated you like that, though. You're well out of it.

Did he do something to warrant the divorce, so that he's defensive now and blaming everything on you?

No just death by 1000 paper cuts and then I got tieee of being told to go and fk myself and being called a c* after long days with an autistic child. Now he visits them in my home because he doesn’t have a suitable place/ can my cope with other them both and when I talk to him he gives me only cursory acknowledgement which when you have two young kids , Ken with autism and complicated things to explain it’s very frustrating. He has always made me feel though like a lesser person by defending others even when I have no grievance with them . You expect someone who loves you to be on your side don’t you?

I am desperate with loneliness and regret and I get very angry because life is very hard and he only feels sorry for himself really. Rarely he is is kind and listens to me . I feel
Sorry for how his life it. Divorce is so destructive . I needed a real partner in marriage - when I had a child with autism I needed a really generous active partner. This is not what I had.

He sounds utterly vile.

He is deliberately trying to wrongfoot you, whilst also letting you do all the donkey work of caring for your children.

Have you tried only communicating important things by email? Write down everything you think he needs to know, he will either read it or he won't but you won't have to keep putting yourself in the position of trying.

It is definitely him, not you. You are well rid.

HumphreyCobblers I know we should be doing that but it’s so hard not to talk when he’s in my home .

He’s in my home because his flat is too far away for my son to manage visiting particularly at the moment with all the change in his life, it’s too small which is my fault because I took too much of my own money back from the sale of our house ( money id put down myself initially). He’s in my home because my other child is very lively and wilful ( a good thing) and keeping both kids safe with my sons difficult and unpredictable behaviour is exhausting and he can’t manage it.
I
Miss all the good aspects of him and when he’s
Intermittently kind it throws me, he’s lovely with the children . I am very depressed and think about suicide lots although I won’t do that- I just feel my life is pointless and I see no good in anything. Because my husband had always made me so angry and I have behaved badly in the last due to exhaustion , frustration and desperation and because he can be very kind, funny, clever etc and the children love him it’s very very hard to feel ok about the end of the marriage.

I feel like there is nothing ahead of me but pain for my son and that my daughter will hate me and my son will always struggle in life and I have so little to offer them, I’m exhausted and very depressed so when he turns up and hardly looks at me as I show him everything I’ve laid out for him so he can give the kids their tea it makes me feel furious, desperate and obliterated.

oh you poor thing, you say yourself you are exhausted and depressed so no wonder you see no hope. But things will get better, they will even though you can't see it right now. You ARE coping. You have to manage both for yourself and your children, but for him too.

It is probably his only way of retaining his self respect, that whilst you are having to micro manage everything about his interaction with his own children he salves his concience by pretending to be superior to you.

Perhaps that’s it. Thank you for your reply and insight. It’s hard because I am very isolated , I have little family and friends and just feel I have created such a small world for my children. My son’s behaviour further isolates us all. There is no way even if i did meet a nice man that my son would accept someone else in my life or give me any chance to build s relationship- he is so controlling, demanding and possessive of me even at 5 but also who would want any part of me and my very challenging family life- so I feel that my life is over really and that I have seriously limited my childrens’ lives.

No, you cannot know either of those things. Your children have an excellent parent in you, you are prioritising their needs and making sure they are cared for appropriately.

I have some insight into how you may feel in that I have a ds with SN who can be very challenging behaviourally. But things have improved for him and us as he has grown, this may happen for you too. Nothing is fixed.

I know I am not being especially helpful, but try not to catastrophise about the future ( do know this is easier said than done, really I do ). Just try and get through the next week. Just breathe deeply. Go to the GP if you think you are depressed clinically, or even to find out. It does sound to me like you are mentally vulnerable right now and this is understandable.

Oh and remember, your ex is horrible to you. It is not justified.

Sorry, I do sound rather bossy.

LittleMy20 please look in to the Freedom Programme. I’ve just started it (it’s one meeting a week for 10 weeks) and I think it will be helpful for you. Despite your question marks over your decision, I think you will learn you have done THE BEST thing you could have done for your children and yourself. Keep going. Best of luck x

Yes, that is a great idea Moffa.

Thank you Humphrey Cobblers. I really hope my son’s behaviour gets easier- for his sake and ours. Thank you for the hope and also the bossy reassurance which is massively helpful tonight. I am going to talk to my gp.

Ok thanks Moffa I will look into that- if I can do it remotely I.e no meetings to attend I might be able to.

You can do it online I think?

Ok I’ll look it up thanks.

Hope you get some sleep tonight.

My hypnotherapist gave me quite a useful technique - when I feel like the stress bucket is going to overspill as it were! Breath in for four, breathe out for seven and continue for a few minutes. Basically it will make your body relax and stop stressing, even if your mind carries on you with at least have some physical relief.

I am not offering this as a cure for not sleeping, just as a little thing that might help a bit.

Thank you for the tip.

You are coping with so much. Your husband is not a nice man to treat you like that in your own home. It’s his way of getting power over you. I’d suggest you need to find ways to get a break so you have time for yourself. If his flat isn’t suitable for the children then he needs to move to somewhere that is. He shouldn’t be seeing them in your home. He needs to step up. Imagine having every other weekend to yourself. Then you could build your life back up. He’s their parent too and he needs to start acting like it and not just a visitor/tourist. Do you go out when he comes?

How are you today LittleMy20?

yes, and it isn't your fault that his flat is too small! He really can't manage anything on his own, can he?

Hi OP. I would guess that if he was to sympathise with you or support your point of view, then the next step would be for him to acknowledge the difficulty you're going through, and show some sympathy or empathy. For whatever reason, he is choosing not to do this, which is a cruel and spiteful thing to do. Taking such a position would also force him to acknowledge his failings and inadequacies, that you're doing all this alone and that he isn't competent or emotionally mature enough to do any of it.

You're basically a better person than him, stronger, more resilient, and he sees it. So he beats you down whenever he can. I think it would be best to view him as simply another pair of hands who gives you some respite. Don't discuss anything with him, don't share your worries or fears. He's not your friend.

Facilitate his contact with the dc, but only in a practical sense, in no other way. Ideally he should be sorting out his arrangements for seeing them, it shouldn't be in your home. But he probably has little incentive to, as he thinks it's your "job". I know it's probably very hard as you say your dc is very clingy, but could you go out when he comes? Don't ask him, tell him that's what you're doing, it's not a discussion.