How can I get out safely?

[UnsureMama593]

Hello everyone who comes to read this. Currently living in ex partners mothers house with said mother, ex partner and DS. This is the end of an emotionally abusive relationship (last December I was physically attacked and moved out - we have since tried to work things out and try again) he is very controlling and manipulative and it is getting worse. When we split in the past we have always co parented DS sharing the week evenly. I moved back to my mothers 10 minutes walk away. Now he wants me to leave the house as he feels the relationship ended due to my actions, but thinks I should still wake up every morning at 6am to come to his and get DS ready for school and leave at 6pm when he returns from work. I still want us to co parent as we did before in a way that works the best for all of us, I just want to make it as unstressful as possible especially for DS. However staying under this roof is not helping the situation, for either of us to move on and is 100% no good for DS but ex partner refuses to see it this way and instead feels like any time he has away from DS means I have taken him away. Neither of us speak to his mother so the atmosphere in the house is just awful. So my question to you is, how do I leave (with DS) in the easiest way possible and start proceedings for a childcare arrangement? If anyone has gone through similar I'd love to hear what happened? Thank you 

I htink you need legal advice.

You may need to establish residence for your DS in your new home somehow.

When you say co-parent, do you mean 50/50 shared care?

@Timandra thanks for your swift response. Yes, well he was with me Tuesday to Saturday and with his Dad the rest of the time so with me for slightly more of the time. I did however find out that when DS was with his dad he would mostly be looked after by his nan

You need to sit tight for a little while.

You are going to be busy working on your exit plan.

Call Women's Aid - 0808 2000 247.

You can find your local office if you go to their website.

When you call, you will be able to leave a voice message with your name and number and a good time to reach you.

They will help if you are ready to engage and get yourself and your son out of this situation.

Your situation right now is not tenable. Getting out from under the thumb of this man is going to need bucketloads of strength and determination on your part. He is going to fight back. Women's Aid will help and support you all the way.

Are you able to leave with your child and go back to your mothers house? That would be safe.

Don't think the courts would allow a man who has been physically abuse access to the child to be honest.

I'm just a bit worried that his father's home is his established home at the moment.

You need to get advice on where you stand regarding moving out with him. I'm not saying I think there will be a problem but it's possible and it's best to be well informed in advance. Maybe Women's Aid could help?

In the meantime, do you have someone in RL who would store important documents, sentimental items for you in case you need to leave in a hurry?

Don't think the courts would allow a man who has been physically abuse access to the child to be honest.

Unless he has assaulted the child, they are very likely to order contact.

If the OP is suggesting 50/50 shared care, they will assume she doesn't see the father as a risk to the child.

If the OP is suggesting 50/50 shared care, they will assume she doesn't see the father as a risk to the child.

Of course. I'm tired and I missed that bit about 50/50 care.

OP, could you still leave with your dc and go to your mums and the get a proper formal court child access arrangement drawn up?

I think this would be my plan in your shoes...

1. Leave to stay with your mother as your ExP suggests. Make sure you time this so you can take DS with you at the start of your time co-parenting.

1. Use this time to decide whether you really want to co-parent with someone who has physically and emotionally abused you. Get support to help you decide from Women's Aid and advice how to go forward.

1. If you decide you do want to co-parent, remember you are in charge of what you and DS do on your days, exP is in charge of what he and DS do on his days. ExP is not in charge of what you do on these days. If you are still helping out on these days in the way you describe you are not co-parenting. You cannot be free of this man whilst you allow him to control you like this. It isn't in your interest or your DS. You need to be firm and say no, which is much easier from your mum's house.

Good luck OP.

Please call Women's Aid.

I would leave a refuge with DS and let him to take you to court for child arrangements so its set out from the start.

He will not be reasonable or fair as you well know.

@mathanxiety & @alliejay81 thanks, I feel I am at breaking point now and I cannot continue living like this.
@NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 I can leave and go to my mums, not until the week when he would be back at work - I don't really want to engage in any difficult exchanges which, if he sees me leaving and with DS would definitely be difficult. I would offer 50/50 care because it worked before and DS was happy. @Timandra by established home, do you mean where he has spent most of his time? At the moment I guess his dads place would be classed as that. He is registered as living at my mums address with things like school and doctors. I kept all our important stuff (documents etc) at my mums just in case of anything. All I would really need to move is clothes/shoes and mostly for DS. The worry is, I don't want to leave without a plan in place or in motion. I feel I need to be better prepared

I would be worried about your ex telling the court he is the resident parent and you should only have every other weekend contact.

You need to get some advice about how to protect yourself and your DS.

Did you actually coparent 50/50 when you lived separately, or was your child just sleeping at his house half the time ... but you came over morning and evening weeknights to do the actual parenting? So ex really only did every other weekend?

In other words - what he's suggesting now?

Which is barking, by the way.

Back up the truck. He wants to be resident parent (and receive the financial benefits that that entails) and then he wants you up at 6am for a 12 hour day of free child care?

At the moment you are primary caretaker. Both of you are residing in his mother's house, so neither of you is really of a stable address.

It's very very clear what you have to do. You need to establish being the permanent resident. He works during the day, you are already caring for the child full-time.

You need to leave, find a place of your own and claim child support

It's actually not rocket science and I don't know why you're even entertaining this notion of his. It would be idiocy to even consider it!!!

Stop letting this man dictate your every move!

Take your child, go to your mum's and make a proper access arrangement.

If he kept his hands to himself you would have had no need to take him anywhere so next time he pipes up remind of that.

Prick.

@PicsInRed initially, yes it was 50/50 (I didn't step in to look after DS when he was with ExP) over time those lines got blurred. From what I have been told by DS and ExP's sister, who lived in the house for a while is ExP only really stepped in when absolutely necessary. Now he is suggesting I move out completely, but I come round every morning to get DS ready for school, do the school run, pick him up give him dinner and leave at 6pm when ExP returns home from work. He wants my life to be more difficult because the reason we are no longer together is due to my actions so why should he lose out on having DS.

@meccacos2 lol @ back up the truck - Yes at the moment I do everything for DS, he does the bare minimum when he is ready. I also have a full time job.

Really appreciate all the advice, it's not been easy. I don't want to remove him from DS's life, which is why I automatically think 50/50 care but do I really want to coparent with such a manipualtive person?!

Well he can only have DS whilst he's not at work unless he arranges childcare (not you).

I would move out with DS and offer him one night midweek and EOW Fri after work to Monday morning.

Do not set a precedent where he has every weekend otherwise when DS goes to school you don't get quality time with him. You could offer him Sunday evening overnight when it isn't his weekend - that way you can still go away for weekends with DS etc.

It's overnights that count for maintenance and for being primary carer, receiving CB etc etc so his suggestion is very suspicious indeed...

do I really want to coparent with such a manipualtive person?!

Co-parenting is what you would be doing whatever the contact arrangements as long as he has parental responsibility.

What you need to consider is whether 50/50 shared residency is the right thing for your child and something you could genuinely manage.

Living between two homes brings huge challenges for a child and the parents need to be able to work in close cooperation for it to be successful. It sounds highly likely that you and your ex could do that so it could be a nightmare for you and your DS.

I would establish residency somewhere else and then offer a reasonable level of contact as suggested above. I know I kee banging on about this but you should get some legal advice around how best to do that.

Is your child living with you or him????

I would be keeping my child very very close and frankly limiting his access - he physically assaulted you if I understand correctly?

His suggestion definitely makes me feel like this is all about his power over me than actually caring for DS. I think I could manage the 50/50 just fine - he however I'm not so sure & then in the long run really how would it affect DS. What scares me about the next step is not having an arrangement set up just yet. Bang on about legal advice as much as you like, I appreciate the drilling you are getting through to me! @Totalwasteofpaper yes, he did last December - he was arrested for this but told the police that I pushed him first so no further action was taken.

You move out, you set up mediation, you agree 50:50 ish contact. He keeps DS instead of returning him then you go to court.

If you don't work (or plan to very soon) then also ensure that you have 1st refusal of childcare i.e. if he is getting other people to look after DS then he has to offer you to look after DS rather than them.

Handy is he is having DS to control you, or decrease maintenance payments etc.

Now he is suggesting I move out completely, but I come round every morning to get DS ready for school, do the school run, pick him up give him dinner and leave at 6pm when ExP returns home from work. He wants my life to be more difficult because the reason we are no longer together is due to my actions so why should he lose out on having DS.

To hell with that, and to hell with 50:50 if he doesn't actually have the ability to look after DS during his half of the time.

If you do 50:50 and you have first refusal if he can't find childcare then you will still end up back where you started, at exH 's beck and call, and you won't be able to commit to a job, or any plans for the next day.
50:50 means you get no child support.
50:50 means too that if you can't come over to take care of DS when exH has to work, then he has to find someone else - anyone - to do childcare. Would you be happy to find out that any old random had taken care of your DS? He will do this just to spite you.

Push for him to have DS every other weekend and on Wednesdays for dinner.

He can have DS on Father's Day and you have him on Mother's Day regardless of whose weekend it should be.
You both have a celebration for DS's birthday on that day.
If a party is thrown by either parent involving schoolmates, then the other parent gets invited at least a week ahead of the date.
Alternate Christmases or one person gets Christmas and one gets Boxing Day.
DS stays with you on your birthday and with exH on that birthday regardless of weekend schedule if your or exH's b-day falls on a weekend.
You get half of school holidays each and also mid term breaks.
Emergencies like a funeral or close family wedding or visiting a relative in hospital can be by arrangement, with the default answer expected to be Yes and some solid reason required for any No.

Any events that DS is involved in, both parents can attend and sports, music, drama, etc calendars are to be shared so each parent is aware of matches, recitals, etc.
Parent teacher meetings are for both parents to attend together.
School to send reports and notifications to both parents.

You need to call Women's Aid and ask for help.
0808 2000 247

See if they can recommend a solicitor who is familiar with dealing with custody/residence negotiations with angry, controlling, abusive men.

Also mediator services.

It's very very clear what you have to do. You need to establish being the permanent resident. He works during the day, you are already caring for the child full-time.

This is your grounds for refusing 50:50.

So I left, with DS - returned to my mothers with all my stuff and half of DSs & ExP has now turned his back on DS and wants nothing to do with him.

In a bit of shock at his 180 reaction and absolutely devastated for DS, but of course ExP is playing the victim and throwing all the blame onto me.

Thank you all for your help and advice, really appreciate it. X