Aspegers or Abusive?

[MamaBear891]

Name change for this, My partner and I have been having problems for quite some time and I’m at the point where we are already living apar and I am ready to call it quits completely. We have a 1 yr old DD who he was never really hands on with and he is just in general really difficult. I thought he was just emotionally abusive but now a friend has made me question if it was that or if he may have aspegers. I’m pretty certain I know what it is but just want others opinions as I don’t think he be up for getting a formal diagnosis. So I’ve listed bits below:

During counselling he told me that my feelings regarding him texting/sexting another woman were abnormal, that all my feelings were in fact.
He would call DD names when she was younger, tell her he slap her up. apparently his version of a joke, while he didnt sound serious that and trying to scare her were enough to make me move out.

He’d lift his hand to me, again apparently jokingly, even after I said to him not to and that it wasn’t funny. This all usually when I said no to him or when something wasn’t done.
Wanted to know why I didn’t want to kiss or have sex with him and called me awkward.
Unless he is feeling an emotion I don’t have any right to feel a certain way. For instance if he is happy and having a good time I must be to and if I’m not then he doesn’t get why.
Would have conversations with others about us relocating without even discussing with me.
If DD went through a pack of wet wipes quickly he’d question why they’ve all gone.
During hot whether I had DD in a nappy, he asked my why she wasn’t ready.
Likewise she had a small scratch on her leg and he asked me where it come from, she is toddling btw.
Once I tripped and he told me I was lucky my big nose broke my fall.

There is so many other bits. What do you guys think.. I mean yes the lack of empathy could be considered asd but the rest

Some of those things sound normal (i.e asking where her scratch came from or asking where the wet wipes had gone).

Most of them just make him sound like a selfish, abusive arse.

Why not both?

@picsinred, perhaps both didn’t really consider that.

He just sounds abusive/unhappy/baby was unplanned.

Sounds like abuse to me. Nothing in your opening posts suggests he’s on the spectrum. He’s just nasty.

Agree both are possible but none of his nastiness sounds particularly like ASD. People with some personality disorders including antosocial/ psychopathic personality disorder also have problems with empathy.
None of these diagnoses should affect whether or not he enhances your life, is fun to be with and is someone you want to live with.
He's not your patient.

A c**t

It's possible to be both. Impossible to diagnose over the Internet but even he did have aspergers, it doesn't excuse his arsehole behaviour.

It's either abuse or both. This is not typical Asperger's behaviour.

My partner is on the spectrum (was diagnosed Asperger's back in the day, now I think it's classified as HFA). Out of 5 siblings, 3 are on the spectrum, so I've got quite a bit of experience with autism over the years.

And although at times I find my partner bloody aggravating it's normally due to him rather than the condition. It's normally relatively easy for me to work out if his reaction is based on him or the autism, but that's 13 years of experience.

But as he's said to me, having Asperger's doesn't give him the right to be an arse. There's some things he can do and some that the condition won't allow him to. Doesn't mean he has to be a dick about it.

It doesn't matter
He isn't nice to live with
So don't

What pikAchu said.

None of it sounds asbergers like to me anyway though. More cluster b personality disorder, if anything.

He's a knob either way.

Being a nasty bastard doesn't mean he's autistic. My DH is autistic and he's the kindest, gentlest person you could ever meet. The issues you list indicates NBS (Nasty Bastard Syndrome). I'd head for the hills if I were you.

Sounds like another kind of ASD to me, Abusive Shithead Disorder.

OP I know loads of friends with ASD, the Autism kind, and they’re not abusive shitheads. Even if he is on the spectrum what difference does it make if he wouldn’t seek a diagnosis or any help? Get rid, he sounds like a bullying twat.

Well that’s the thing I thought nope he is just abusive, but this is the third person to say this to me. For me I never considered autism as he has absolutely no problems with socialising or being in loud environments, he’d do anything to have a night out clubbing and it’s the reason he likes to work in the city for the social aspect, his words not mine.

And while no he is not my patient I wouldn’t want to just abandon him if it’s something he doesn’t have control over.

Being a cunt is not part of ASD. Just because someone has asbergers doesn't mean they don't know right from wrong or that they cannot choose between such actions.

There no excuse to be abusive. Worry about tackling your own possible codependency issues if anything. You don't owe it to anyone to stay with nasty people.

He might be autistic but that is no excuse for his shitty behavior.

I had an ex who was Asperger's (we split up but are still good friends) and he was a sweet, kind person who never EVER would have engaged in such horrible behavior.

His behavior is not your problem to sort out, no matter what causes it.

You don't want your child to grow up thinking this is a normal relationship, do you?

@Pinkbonbon currently doing counselling for codependency issues.

And exactly what I thought then, that he just isn’t a nice person at all and in better off without. Just hate when people say ok but just stick it out, why to see if all of a sudden he starts treating me like a partner, no thanks.

Doesn't sound like Aspergers to me. More that he is a cunt.

You're not going to counselling together are you? Bad idea - go on your own.

Oh, and I think he's just a selfish arsehole.

Not Aspergers, just a very selfish and controlling knob.
Let’s not make excuses for him.
Get out while you can x

@ellzebellze oh no doing the counselling on my own. Did do some couples therapy but it was like hitting my head against a brick wall and after been told my feelings weren’t normal and his only concern being how long the whole process would take so me and DD could move back in I said enough.

Doesn't sound like ASD.
Obviously none of us can diagnose across the internet.

@Nappyvalley15 of course not, I just wanted to know from others experience if this possibly was ASD so I could encourage him to get a diagnosis. But realistically when I think about it if I said I thought he had asd he’d probably say that’s ridiculous and that nothing is wrong with him.

Just sick of hearing others saying this is the hard part and that I should stick it out.

It doesn't matter what the reason is. Life is too short to spend it with someone who treats you and your child like this. A diagnosis would not magically make that behaviour disappear, even if he were willing to try for a diagnosis.

@lazy, not so much for me but for DD, she’ll still have a relationship with him and if I can ensure it’s as healthy as possible shouldn’t I do that.