Aspegers or Abusive?

[MamaBear891]

Name change for this, My partner and I have been having problems for quite some time and I’m at the point where we are already living apar and I am ready to call it quits completely. We have a 1 yr old DD who he was never really hands on with and he is just in general really difficult. I thought he was just emotionally abusive but now a friend has made me question if it was that or if he may have aspegers. I’m pretty certain I know what it is but just want others opinions as I don’t think he be up for getting a formal diagnosis. So I’ve listed bits below:

During counselling he told me that my feelings regarding him texting/sexting another woman were abnormal, that all my feelings were in fact.
He would call DD names when she was younger, tell her he slap her up. apparently his version of a joke, while he didnt sound serious that and trying to scare her were enough to make me move out.

He’d lift his hand to me, again apparently jokingly, even after I said to him not to and that it wasn’t funny. This all usually when I said no to him or when something wasn’t done.
Wanted to know why I didn’t want to kiss or have sex with him and called me awkward.
Unless he is feeling an emotion I don’t have any right to feel a certain way. For instance if he is happy and having a good time I must be to and if I’m not then he doesn’t get why.
Would have conversations with others about us relocating without even discussing with me.
If DD went through a pack of wet wipes quickly he’d question why they’ve all gone.
During hot whether I had DD in a nappy, he asked my why she wasn’t ready.
Likewise she had a small scratch on her leg and he asked me where it come from, she is toddling btw.
Once I tripped and he told me I was lucky my big nose broke my fall.

There is so many other bits. What do you guys think.. I mean yes the lack of empathy could be considered asd but the rest

A negative defensive reaction to hearing No usually is indicative of personality disorders. Is he super sensitive to criticism of him?

When people hear lack of empathy they associate it with ASD because it has a higher profile but nasty behaviour is more likely personality disordered.

None of that sounds like aspergers. A lack of empathy isn’t actually a part of an aspergers diagnosis (it’s usually that people with AS show their empathy differently).

Whether he has it or not is irrelevant. He is definitely abusive and you need to not be in a relationship with him. I would be really concerned about him “pretending” to hit you or doing other things to frighten you.

Leave him and don’t go back.

The issues you list indicates NBS (Nasty Bastard Syndrome). I'd head for the hills if I were you

This.

The people saying this is the hard part and you should just stick it out are wrong.

Being a nasty bastard and / or having ASD are generally life long conditions. This is who he is and how he’s always going to be.

If you don’t want to live like this for the rest of your life then leave.

Other people's opinions don't matter. This is your life you're living. Agree that this is just him being a nasty, abusive arsehole and you're well rid.

I have actually left, as in not living together but he is keen to ‘work things out’.

@Techway, I’d say yes. If I correct him on how to safely put DDs top on or ensuring DD is safe I get a lot of eye rolls, scoffs and she’ll be fine. He very much thinks he is always right! He is very black and white. I tend to avoid critising him as I get the feeling he’d just get mad. I know in work he has got into a number of heated arguments with his boss, all what seem to be over what his boss has asked him to do and him not agreeing. We once worked together and I did see this for myself once, but I’ve never been around to actually know what’s happened before hand and at the point where I don’t believe his version of events.

My much loved and missed late DH and I were/are both Asperger’s. (Or high functioning autistics, as it tends to be called now). As are many of our relatives. It didn’t make any of us behave like shits! DH was the kindest, most loving and self sacrificing dad and partner you could imagine.
As PPs have said, it really doesn’t matter WHY your DH is being a shit. The effect on you is the same, whatever the reason. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with a shit, simply out of pity for his possible diagnosis?

@babdoc, sorry to hear of your dh passing. I don’t think I could stay with him now but I do however want him to be able to cope for DDs sake. In reality I think he is just a shit.

I can tell you with certainty that none of what you have described is to do with ASD traits.

I have ASD DC and multiple extended family members, NONE of them behave like this.

Everything you have said points to an arrogant abusive cunt and nothing more, infact the more you describe the more your oh sounds like DC dad.

Run for the hills, it will be the best decision you ever made I promise you 🌸

How was the start of the relationship? Does he switch from charming to vile?

Most people who have not been involved with a PD partner can't relate, which is why your friend suggested ASD. My own family struggled because most people try to understand why someone acts the way they do. They assume partners want to work out relationships for mutual benefit. However a PD partner is not seeking mutuality, they want to control and dominate so that their needs are always the priority.
They can be deeply manipulative and usually choose partners who can add something such as status, money, or networking. PDs are thought to develop as a result of an abusive childhood although I suspect genetics play a part as well.

I also think that PD and ASD could coexist as at times Ex displayed such obvious ASD traits but the toxicity was an extra layer.

Most empathic partners try to figure out strategies and hope a diagnoses means it will get better. Generally it seems it doesn't and indeed gets worse as they become bitter because of how previous partners have treated them. Given they cannot take responsibility they will always be a victim and that means they usually smear their previous partner. You could be accused of taking his child away, stealing all his money, being abusive or having affairs. Listen to what he accuses you of as its likely to be projection.

Be beware that if he is disordered conflict in separation is usually unavoidable, unless you completely capitulate to his demands.
If he "lets" you go then it is likely he has someone else lined up. They don't tend to remain single for any length of time.

@@Techway relationship started out really well to the point I thought he was my soulmate. Now not so much charming as I think I’ll never find him charming now, but nice or vile! He’d never tell me he loved me or show any sign of emotion, now he texts to say he loves me, that he feels sick at being without me and oh the tears on one occasion. But it’s either this or venom when I say I’m not coming back.

@Closetbeanmuncher would you mind if I PM you?

Sounds textbook, I had the soulmate stuff and then the abusive cycle, only I didn't see it for what it was. Early days he would be nice followed by passive aggressive behaviour. I threaten to leave many times as couldn't get through to him. Afterwards he would never apologise but always told me he loved and wanted us to be together. I fell for it, now it is so obvious it was the cycle but at the time I had no awareness and he was very convincing.

However once there was commitment he ramped up his behaviour, indeed the night of and morning after our wedding he was cold and distant. I assumed it was due to tiredness but the cycles became shorter and I walked on eggshells.

I took anti depressants (as I was always told it was mu fault) but with counselling I started to see how my boundaries had been eroded. My new assertiveness caused him to get aggressive and that made it easier to leave.

Going through this experience and posting on MN has made me realise it's not uncommon. There are many women in this situation and their stories are so similar. Many think at the start it's ASD but eventually time shows it's toxic. How they react once they know you are definitely leaving is often the true sign of toxicity. They often are very vindictive as they have a win at all costs thought process.

My advice to anyone struggling is that it rarely get better but keep a journal so that you remind yourself of the low points.
I was off anti depressants once I left him!

No that's fine @MamaBear891