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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Stop me being an arsehole

32 replies

MyGhastIsFlabbered · 13/09/2019 14:52

I need help to stop me being an arse hole...
My boyfriend has been moaning that he hasn’t had a proper holiday this year so I suggested he and his daughter go away over the October half term. He said he didn’t want to because it was a shitty thing to do seeing as me and the boys can’t go (I’m skint). I said I wouldn’t get shirty about it. But now he’s said he probably will go away that week and I’m feeling grumpy/sad/annoyed as hell about it. I don’t think it’s fair that his daughter and him miss out on a holiday because I’m skint but at the same time...🤷🏻‍♀️

I feel really, really sad about this, but it’s not his fault, I told him I’d be ok about it. I can’t tell him how I feel because then he’ll either go and feel bad about it or he won’t go and I’ll feel guilty.

I've got a couple of hours to pull myself together and stop dwelling on this before I see him. I'm absolutely useless at hiding my emotions so if I'm still upset about this he'll know.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 13/09/2019 14:55

YABVVVVU.

Poor guy. You told him to book a holiday, so he booked one, and now you're going to be an arsehole about it?

Not sure what we can do, other than say pull yourself together and don't be an arsehole?

We can't stop you from being an arsehole, only you can do that.

FredaFrogspawn · 13/09/2019 14:57

Aw, have a grumble to yourself but dredge the depth of your kindness larder to be generous - which you clearly are or you wouldn’t have been so nice about it before. Wave him goodbye and enjoy a little time to yourself.

MyGhastIsFlabbered · 13/09/2019 14:59

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy if you'd actually bothered to read my post you'd surely have realised that I don't want to be an arsehole about this Hmm

OP posts:
Terriere · 13/09/2019 15:01

As greenfingers said, you're going to have to get a big grip on yourself - it's unforgiveable arsehole-passive-aggressive behaviour to say you don't mind about something and then make someone suffer for going ahead with it. If you really don't want to be that person you will find a way to control your emotions.

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/09/2019 15:03

Whether or not he goes, you're still skint. So you can be grumpy with the situation but not with him.

Practise, "I'm so jealous" with a smile. Or "I'm glad you guys are going,I wish we could. Have a wonderful time". And repeat.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 13/09/2019 15:04

@MyGhastIsFlabbered I did read it.

How old are you?

You do realise that how you behave about this is entirely up to you?

We can't change that.

Bleating on about being useless at hiding my emotions isn't doing you any favours. Being able to control your emotions and interactions with people is part of every day life.

Zaphodsotherhead · 13/09/2019 15:05

Stick on a big grin, be absolutely delighted for him and his DD.

Go home and swear into a pillow and maybe plan a few little (cheap) treats for you and your DC while they are away. Even if it's just a picnic in the park or baking a nice gooey cake.

Having something to look forward to yourself will take some of the sting out of it. And keep practicing the grin until it looks genuine...

MyGhastIsFlabbered · 13/09/2019 15:08

That's the thing I'm NOT annoyed at him. I'm just sad and grumpy at the situation. I'm genuinely surprised at how shit this has made me feel. When I first suggested it a few months ago I honestly thought it was okay. Now he's said he's going to do it I don't. And I don't know how I'm going to fake enthusiasm.

Earlier in the year he said he wanted to use his bonus to pay for us all to go away. I said no because it wouldn't be right for him to pay for us but he said he would insist. Somehow this petered away until we were spending a week camping in Dorset which I contributed to anyway. And we had to come home early because the weather was so bad. So maybe there's a bit of simmering resentment at that which I also have to get over.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 13/09/2019 15:08

It's ok OP, to be a bit fed up.

It's not ok to spoil their holiday.

If you really care about him and his child you will suck it up and be happy for him, despite it being disappointing for you.

💐

MyGhastIsFlabbered · 13/09/2019 15:11

yes I do realise that the way I behave is entirely up to me. I didn't realise everything would be taken soooo literally. I just want a place to vent about how unfair life is, to have a mini tantrum so that when I see him I'm ok about it. I didn't realise MN wasn't the place to do this.

I have MH conditions which genuinely DO make it difficult to hide my emotions, however much I want to.

OP posts:
darkcloudsandsunnyskies · 13/09/2019 15:13

@MyGhastIsFlabbered

There is no power in heaven or earth that can stop any of us from being an arsehole.

Enjoy life.

Croquembou · 13/09/2019 15:14

I didn't realise MN wasn't the place to do this

Everyone's being really nice to you and giving helpful suggestions...?!

MyGhastIsFlabbered · 13/09/2019 15:16

If you think Greenfingers is being nice and helpful you've got very different ideas to me.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 13/09/2019 15:21

You don't have to hide your emotions. You can say, "I'm so grumpy I can't afford to go, I'm really happy you can". Unless you're not happy, which I suspect is the case after the comments about Dorset.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 13/09/2019 15:22

Ah, so it's not quite as you said originally... He has dangled a carrot of a nice holiday, and not delivered has he?! He has unfairly raised your expectations. I would be a tad titsed off too. Can you raise it with him, or would that go badly?

Tyrotoxicity · 13/09/2019 15:27

He said he didn’t want to because it was a shitty thing to do seeing as me and the boys can’t go (I’m skint).

Part of your brain interpreted this as "I'm not going on holiday because you are more important."

But now he’s said he probably will go away that week

Part of your brain is interpreting this as "if no holiday = I am important to him, then yes holiday = I am not important to him."

I don’t think it’s fair that his daughter and him miss out on a holiday because I’m skint but at the same time...

Focus on the first half. That's the important part. It's good for him and his daughter to have a holiday together.

The "at the same time..." is your brain fretting over thinking this somehow means you're not important.

That's not what it really means. It just feels like that because your brain managed to connect no-holiday with you mattering to him.

If you indulge the urge to dwell on the feeling, you're going to do the Showing This Annoyance thing that you know isn't likely to go well. So don't indulge it! It's a diversion that's leading you into a trap!

Terriere · 13/09/2019 15:33

Earlier in the year he said he wanted to use his bonus to pay for us all to go away. I said no because it wouldn't be right for him to pay for us but he said he would insist

So the key thing there isn't that he didn't pay in the end, it's that you said he shouldn't pay, just as you said it would be ok for him to book the holiday with his DD. I have a lot of personal experience with this type of behaviour - where you say one thing almost as a test to them to prove themselves to you by insisting on doing/not doing that thing. When they fail the test you sulk and seethe.

I can believe you have problems hiding your emotions, it tends to go with this type of manipulative behaviour. Sorry if you wanted to be light-hearted but actually it would be better for you to try to address this stuff before it eats away at all your relationships

Nameisthegame · 13/09/2019 15:34

When I get jealous I plan something special for myself, depending on how old the boys are you could do a forest walk with a treasure map or monster hunt. Plan a den day, save up and do a random adventure day where you go somewhere new just do anything different it helps with the funk.

Nameisthegame · 13/09/2019 15:38

Get cardboard boxes and make a city and be Godzilla, or if older you could do a gaming competition create a scoreboard etc. do a cinema showing at home popcorn etc maybe download a new movie from amazon or something

Hecateh · 13/09/2019 15:39

At least you can now be pissed off about a pp being unreasonable and blame your irritability on that now.

I would feel the same as you I think.

There are often things that I choose not to do and then feel pissed off with myself when I don't do them - And that is when I made the choice and could have chosen to do them.

You know you will get over it. They and think of a couple of cheap treats you can do at half term.

ThirstyGhost · 13/09/2019 15:54

Terriere Fri 13-Sep-19 15:33:51
Earlier in the year he said he wanted to use his bonus to pay for us all to go away. I said no because it wouldn't be right for him to pay for us but he said he would insist

So the key thing there isn't that he didn't pay in the end, it's that you said he shouldn't pay, just as you said it would be ok for him to book the holiday with his DD. I have a lot of personal experience with this type of behaviour - where you say one thing almost as a test to them to prove themselves to you by insisting on doing/not doing that thing. When they fail the test you sulk and seethe.

I think Terriere is spot on with this ^^ You're setting yourself up to be unhappy. You're secretly hoping for a particular outcome while saying something else to your BF. He's taking you at your word each time. Next time, if he offers to pay for something and it's something you really want to do just be honest and say yes to it. Otherwise this pattern will keep repeating itself.

TixieLix · 13/09/2019 15:58

I think you need to make clear to him that you're really happy he and his DD will have a holiday, and you're pleased for them to go, and that any grumpiness you may display is actually you being annoyed with yourself for being skint and unable to join the holiday. Reassure him that you'll do your best not to display those emotions, because it's not his fault you're feeling this way.

On the flip side, I think he's being a bit unreasonable to moan about not having had a decent holiday this year, because you've not either, and you still won't have had one, whilst he is away enjoying himself.

MyGhastIsFlabbered · 13/09/2019 16:00

@Terriere IF I was being manipulative I would have no qualms about telling him I was pissed off and why, I'm trying to deflect my pissed-offness away from him so that he never knows how I feel.

I honestly thought when I said for him to go on holiday that I would be ok with it. It was never a 'test' of his feelings towards me. FFS I know I'm acting like a child right now but I don't play games or test anyone.

I'm not pissed off with him for doing it, I'm pissed off with myself because I can't afford to go with him. He'd be happy enough for us to join them but can't pay for all of us. And I don't expect him to no matter what he offers. And I'm pissed off with myself that I'm pissed off about it.

OP posts:
Tyrotoxicity · 13/09/2019 16:25

IF I was being manipulative I would have no qualms about telling him I was pissed off and why, I'm trying to deflect my pissed-offness away from him so that he never knows how I feel.

This "not showing him how you truly feel" thing? I get why you do it, because it's scary and vulnerable, but it's the seed of a problem that will only get bigger.

Hiding your feelings from him is manipulating him. Not consciously and deliberately to malicious ends; but manipulation nonetheless. It's manipulating him into a position where his pottering along being reasonable and taking you at face value is triggering negative emotions in you, over and over and over again. You have to break this cycle or it will continue until he can't cope with constantly being manoeuvred into a no-win situation and so bails on you.

FFS I know I'm acting like a child right now but I don't play games or test anyone.

Your unconscious does, though. Everyone's unconscious does. It's normal human psychology. And because it's unconscious, you can only infer the pattern by analysing the behaviour. The conscious thoughts aren't all that relevant; they're just your brain trying to distract itself from analysing your behaviour properly.

30to50FeralHogs · 13/09/2019 16:43

Tyrotoxicity has some very wise words for you there, reread their posts. Understanding why you're now feeling differently is key to being able to deal with this maturely.

If its about you feeling on some level unimportant, try to find examples of when he's shown you that you ARE important and when he's prioritised your relationship.

FWIW I sometimes do the same. My DP has offered to take me and my DCs on holiday with him and his, but I feel guilty as I can't afford to pay my way, and say no, then end up feeling resentful about it and trying to plaster on a smile when they all talk about it.

Rather than trying to hide how you feel, it might be better to be upfront about it. Say to him that you're glad for him that he's going, but that actually now its happening you are feeling a bit jealous and are wishing you could afford to go on holiday too. Honesty is very important, hiding how you feel never ends well.

It might take some of the power out of those feelings if you name them instead of trying to stuff them down.

This week I've had a similar thing - I texted my DP to tell him that something I'd previously said I was ok about, was actually making me feel a bit resentful and that I just wanted to get it out there rather than stewing on it. He thanked me for being honest and said he'd be mindful of it. However, this has come after many years of us falling out over such things, its taken us a lot of practice to get to this point!

Start now as you mean to go on, being honest and open, taking full responsibility for your own feelings about holidays, money, your relationship etc and deflecting any defensiveness on his part by pointing out that he's done nothing wrong by booking the holiday, but you are also feeling (perfectly naturally) a bit envious. It might make him think twice about being too gushing about it, but make sure he doesn't feel like he can't mention it etc.

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