Stop me being an arsehole

[MyGhastIsFlabbered]

I need help to stop me being an arse hole...
My boyfriend has been moaning that he hasn’t had a proper holiday this year so I suggested he and his daughter go away over the October half term. He said he didn’t want to because it was a shitty thing to do seeing as me and the boys can’t go (I’m skint). I said I wouldn’t get shirty about it. But now he’s said he probably will go away that week and I’m feeling grumpy/sad/annoyed as hell about it. I don’t think it’s fair that his daughter and him miss out on a holiday because I’m skint but at the same time...🤷🏻‍♀️

I feel really, really sad about this, but it’s not his fault, I told him I’d be ok about it. I can’t tell him how I feel because then he’ll either go and feel bad about it or he won’t go and I’ll feel guilty.

I've got a couple of hours to pull myself together and stop dwelling on this before I see him. I'm absolutely useless at hiding my emotions so if I'm still upset about this he'll know.

How long have you been seeing each other? My impression from your posts is that you don't live together, is that the case?
If there's a big difference in your disposable incomes that results in you always being skint & he isn't then this kind of thing is always going to come up. He's taking his DD on a nice holiday that he can afford & there's no reason why he shouldn't do it or she shouldn't have it. You're not happy that you & your DC can't afford to go too but neither he nor she should have to live their lives only at a level that suits your finances so chances are that you're going to end up being very unhappy over very many things going forward.
It's good that he's spending quality 1:1 time with his daughter so could you focus on that to get you into a good frame of mind for when you see him?

No we don't live together yet. I have worried a lot about how we can make the disparity between our incomes work when we live together. He just says it doesn't matter but I don't want him to end up paying the lion's share of things then resenting me for it.

His daughter lives with him so he does spend a lot of time with her. I don't begrudge them this holiday at all, I just wish we could all go.

Bless you. I know how it is. The initial thoughts and feelings of wanting them to be happy and to do something are there, then to no fault of theirs, insecurity creeps in. It's not about your DH having a great time with his daughter, but more you feeling like you're not equal financially. Please remember that finances don't make you any more or less important in a relationship and it certainly shouldn't give more or less entitlement in a relationship... You should focus on the fact you suggested a beautiful thing that will create lasting memories for him and his daughter. All the more kudos to you for sacrificing time to do things together that week! Also, find something for you to do that week. I'm broke ATM and paid towards my daughter going away with her dad this summer (I couldn't do anything away). When she got back, the smile on her face and talking about memoriesknowing what a great time she hadmade it all worthwhile. You'll survive this holiday and they'll be so grateful to you for the idea. Well done

OP I'm like you. Wear my heart on my sleeve and absolutely cannot hide my emotions no matter ho what's I try. It's a curse!

I think it's so lovely that you encouraged him to go. Just think about his DD and how happy she will be and that you've helped make that happen. Life is shit sometimes and not being able to go away whilst others do, especially your DP is rough. I'd feel the same. I feel cheated that we can't afford nice holidays. You can get holidays in caravans quite cheap over the winter, especially privately. Google private static caravans for hire. Why not try and save up to take your DC away. Cosy evening playing board games with a hot choc or a wine in a different location can do the world of good.

My advice would be to busy yourself when your DP is about, whether that be washing up, helping pack or getting a shower, just keep busy, rush around so he doesn't have time to see your emotions. Quick peck and try and muster up the headspace to wish them a nice holiday. Then you're done. Wave them off and you can cry, have a few glasses of wine, and feel shit for an evening. No shame in that at all. It's pants. But then big girl pants on and crack on. You'll be fine :) even if DP does see your emotions maybe just explain how you're feeling. Just say your really happy he's getting away with his DD, but you can't help but feel a bit bad you can't offer the same for your DC. But emohasis on you being happy they're getting away. Good luck! The heart on sleeve wearing is a real curse!

Has he actually booked it yet? If not, is it too late to suggest getting a cottage in the UK (or wherever you're based) for all of you together, rather than a more expensive holiday for just him and his daughter? Would he consider that as an option? Sorry if I missed if it's already booked it, I'm just going on your original sentence which said he'd 'probably' go away that week.

He hasn't booked anything yet but I did manage to spend the weekend with him and not be an arsehole about it (phew!) We didn't really talk about it at all. I will tell him how I'm feeling but very strongly reiterate that I'm annoyed I can't go rather than being annoyed with him-I'm really not at all.

That sounds like a really nice, honest and self aware way of putting it. You are absolutely not being an arsehole, you are being human