So angry - how do I get over it

[shakingthetree]

My husband is leaving as he’s ‘not in love’ anymore. We’ve been together 15 years and have a young daughter who’s just started reception. He’s being very amicable and trying to do the right thing money wise etc.

But I am just so so angry at him for doing this to our daughter. Disrupting her life for his benefit. She’s such a confident and happy child at the moment and I worry how this will change her. She adores her dad and he does 50% of childcare and always has post maternity leave so it’s going to hit her hard when he goes. I keep reading how this can affect their whole school achievement and life and it terrifies me. Also financially she’ll suffer and not have the life I thought she’d have.

How do I get over this anger as it’s threatening the amicability of the separation which I know will affect her even more.....

I totally get where you're coming from but a friend of mine was so angry with her DH when he dumped her that she did easily as much harm to her children's lives with her bitterness as her selfish, cheating DH had done.

Given that you can't control your DH's behaviour, the best thing you can do to protect your daughter is to build the best possible co-parenting relationship with her DF that you can. This may involve biting your tongue, even lying through your teeth, but it's worth it. It's the best service you can offer her.

Book a counsellor to go get your rage out. Has it come as a shock? In a way, it’s best you know rather than doing to up and down that my DH is doing. One minute he loves me, next day he’s changed his mind. This doesn’t have to impact your DD. He’s leaving you not her. He can still do 50/50 and she can still adore him. I’ll be honest that I’m not sure what her adoring him has to do with your split. You need to separate the 2. It’s understandable you are angry. Go join a kick boxing class or something similar so you can get your rage out. Have you got your own finances and a life outside of your husband?

Thanks for the reply - yes, I absolutely know this and I’d never say anything mean about him in front of her. Her happiness is paramount to me.

I’m just wondering if there’s any advice on how I can get past this internal anger. I’m fine for a few days then I just get mad again and fire off angry texts.....

@Debrons yes I have a good social life and am ok financially although will be less well off than with combined income. It’s a shock in that I didn’t think he’d leave when she was so young.

Her adoring him is relevant because I know a lot of dads don’t do a huge amount of childcare. My point is he always has done and she’s as close to him as me. Therefore when he goes is it going to massively affect her more? We won’t be doing 50/50 as it’s not recommended when they’re so young but obviously he’ll see her lots.

I’m angry about the stuff that’s gone that she loved - family holidays, BBQ’s, days out etc. It’ll always just be one of us and her now.

What was the marriage like before he decided he no longer loved you?

He absolutely can do 50/50. She's started school so is 4? 5? its not recommended for babies who are breast fed but in your case I would absolutely insist he does his share and start as you mean to go on. Most of my friends who have split do this. They had kids that age and it worked absolutely fine. The friends I have who didn't do it and stuck to one weekday night and eow now regret that decision because the bloke is enjoying his childfree weeknights and she is a bit cheesed off to be honest because he now refuses (kids are now older) to do more. It means her social life has taken a huge backseat and she can't join in with mums nights out etc. Its restricted her moving on. Do not fall down that rabbit hole. Being a single mum is exhausting so you need your fair share of nights off. You want to start dating too! Make sure you get a regular Tuesday and Thursday for example (same nights every week) so you can join some groups and online date if you want to.

It was fine, we got on well, enjoyed holidays, had a great social life etc. He just decided that it wasn’t enough for him....

Oh and the answer to your internal rage question is join a gym, start exercising like mad, get fit, get healthy, nail yourself a hottie. You won't be feeling angry when you're off shagging some fit bloke who is into you. Your ex might though

What more does he want? I'm interested. Holidays, social life, getting on with your partner...what else does he expect? Is he expecting to get a pamela andersen who wants to give him constant BJs? Yeah, I knew a bloke like that who left his wife for that reason. She is a wonderful lady and he's an utter dick and she is now living a fab life and he's stuck still trying to find the BJ obsessed woman he thought would fall into his lap!

Well actually anger is a completely valid emotion imo. He's doing it to you too - assuming you don't want to end it all (yet). I suggest you do get counselling and work out how to process this information. I don't think you need guilt just yet that you aren't doing the best for your child and YOU are damaging her. Guilt isn't a productive emotion. Anger can be. But agree it needs to be channeled properly. And counselling (and time) will help with that.

Logistics about childcare, how to ensure he continues to see her, are separate issues.

I'd be absolutely livid, what a selfish twat.

However, in the long run it will be better for you not to be with someone who doesn't love you. It leaves you free to find someone who is really worthwhile and loyal and make something of your own life.

Being stuck with someone who doesn't care about you would eventually destroy your whole life.

It's horrible now but one day you will wake up and think thank God that's over.

I probably bored all my friends and relatives shitless with the rage but it got it out of my system and now I am so much happier without the self centered man child.

You absolutely can do 50:50, and given that is what your daughter is used to, then I would think it's even more right to in your situation.

What age is he ?
Mid life crisis?

Being angry helps you deal with the pain and makes you feel strong.

It will pass ,often into sadness which makes you feel weak.

Just try to let it pass through you with out judgement and find an even keel.

Get out in the fresh air.
Walking is great.
Eat well and drink plenty of water.
Try to look at all the good stuff.
Focus on your beautiful daughter
I know it's cheesy but she is better having 2 separate parents who love her than 2 unhappy parents who live together.

As someone said anger / bitterness will be locked up by DD and that's not good

Give it time

Definitely get a counsellor so you have a place to offload this.
Stop worrying about things you can't change - he's going, that's that. Your dd will cope as long as she knows you always love her.
Be cautious about going all out for a 'good relationship' with her father. You'll be shat upon . That is, it will leave you, and your dd, vulnerable. Instead, think of you and her as a family unit. What are your boundaries now, in this new situation? Think about that, think about your needs, and review your boundaries frequently. Otherwise, everything will go his way.

Of course, you won't deliberately say mean things about her father. But beware of bulling him up too much, covering up for his failings. My dd was 4 when her father and I split up. I covered up for him, I wouldn't do it again. She split with him when she was 21 and still suffers from depression relating to having had to know him. A clean break would have been better, but that wasn't 'allowed' even then.

Get yourself a pile of cushions, including floor cushions. Beat shit out of them. Call them by his name and tell him what exactly he's done wrong. Do this a lot. I got that from a book by Dr Irene Kassorla. I've employed it well, over the years.

I think you're going to get much, much more angry. Especially when his new woman comes out of the woodwork. When her needs are put above those of your child. When, for example, she and daddy ensure they are on holiday abroad every year on dd's birthday, so he can't be involved in birthday celebrations. That one's a killer. Of course, your ex might not be a bastard. We can always hope.

I think it's a natural reaction to be really angry and upset, but he's perfectly reasonable to end things for whatever reason, and if he's trying to be fair and amicable that's good. You have got to grieve however it works for you (without affecting your daughter). This will include shock, anger, sadness etc. It's sad, but your daughter will be fine in the end. I remember having a chat with my stepson when he was little about having two families and he replied, very matter of fact, that lots of his friends have two families and it was quite normal. He went on to get straight As all the way through and firsts at uni. Try and work things out as calmly as possible with him so that your daughter gets the best possible.

(Hope I don't sound cold, I don't mean to).

You may not want to read this but your DD in the long run will be better off without him as he will start to be aggressive in front of her
If he doesnt want to be with you. Children are pretty resilient at that age. And there has to be another reason why he wants to end this marriage.
I really wish you and your DD the best.

What womaninthedark said is very good advice. It can be tempting to cover up the shortfalls. Don’t do that. My friends ex used to promise PlayStation games for birthday presents etc and then never follow through. She’d buy them instead (even though she’d not promised them) and pretend they were from him so not to break her kids hearts. Don’t do that because it comes out eventually. Be age appropriately honest.

OP, my dd shone in school, was ace at uni, married a fine boy and has a lovely home, what seems like an excellent marriage, a wonderful seven year old dd, and a great new career.

Don't worry too much. You, and your love, will be enough.

You may not want to read this but your DD in the long run will be better off without him as he will start to be aggressive in front of her

What on earth in the OP suggests this?

I don't think he has done anything wrong here other than time it badly with her starting school.
He doesn't love you...if theis were a woman syaing she didn't lover her husband, she would be encouraged to leave him. He has done the right thing and not cheated (unless you just left that bit out).
He cannot help how he feels and he is trying to do the right thing by ended it and co parenting instead. I'm not surprised you are angry but in a few years when things are settled again you will see that it is also the best thing for you as well as him. You deserve someone who loves you. He doesn't.

I’d rather be told that somebody doesn’t love me than have my life wasted by an avoidant undecider who passively aggressively just makes everybody’s lives miserable because he hasn’t got the balls to actually take any action. You are now in the know and in the clear to go out and grab life and enjoy yourself. Did he not give you any clues of being unhappy at all?

Get counselling.

Prepare for there to be another woman.

Get legal advice. Agree sensible parenting, housing and financial arrangements, including your ex doing a decent number of nights parenting every week, eg 60/40%.

If he’s truly a decent father he’ll continue to do much more than “see” your DC, he’ll have sole charge for a sizeable proportion of the time. If he isn’t, he’ll do one afternoon a week and every other weekend and use all the free time that releases to work and date OW.

My ex doesn't love me, reminds me all the time and still hasn't moved out. I am so dreadfully unhappy and just want him to go. He keeps dragging his heels though.

I think it is worse to have someone around making you unhappy than have both parents stay together for the child's sake. That can only work for so long. It is better to have happy, separated parents.

I got my "revenge" and anger out by hitting my ex were it hurt....

He left for a "new normal life" which actually equated to another woman (not suggesting there is but ....) and was rather miffed when he realised that he'd be having the boys EOW and half of all school holidays.... 2 years down the line l still giggle when l recall his face on me telling him this..

Plus.. he thought l would be a pushover in regards to sorting the finances and he'd be rolling in it....for his new normal life....when we sold the house.. l now own the house solely.

Best way to deal with your anger is to ensure you're not a pushover and start as you mean to go on in regards to child contact and maintenance

Anger is perfectly healthy. It's when you try to suppress the anger that it causes problems. I was so angry I thought the top of my head might blow off 😂

As mentioned by a PP, exercise is really good. I found writing vicious poetry very helpful too - the more vicious the better 😂

Give yourself things to look forward to. A little thing every day, then something a bit bigger a week away, keep looking forward.

The trouble is that he'll have been thinking about this for a while, so he's already moved on mentally while for you it's your whole life-plan, that you thought was sorted, suddenly destroyed. Start making plans for yourself.