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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

So angry - how do I get over it

37 replies

shakingthetree · 13/09/2019 12:53

My husband is leaving as he’s ‘not in love’ anymore. We’ve been together 15 years and have a young daughter who’s just started reception. He’s being very amicable and trying to do the right thing money wise etc.

But I am just so so angry at him for doing this to our daughter. Disrupting her life for his benefit. She’s such a confident and happy child at the moment and I worry how this will change her. She adores her dad and he does 50% of childcare and always has post maternity leave so it’s going to hit her hard when he goes. I keep reading how this can affect their whole school achievement and life and it terrifies me. Also financially she’ll suffer and not have the life I thought she’d have.

How do I get over this anger as it’s threatening the amicability of the separation which I know will affect her even more.....

OP posts:

FredaFrogspawn · 13/09/2019 14:54

There is very rarely no other woman in these situations. Fire off the angry texts to him - he deserves them. You will get past this stage and come to the realisation that things can and will go on, and your dd will be ok if you can both remain civil in front of her. Life will get better.

Original poster

shakingthetree · 13/09/2019 15:11

Thanks for all the advice, it’s great

Pretty sure there’s no other woman. We split a few months ago and he’s still living here and no sign of one!

OP posts:

NoCauseRebel · 13/09/2019 15:13

Assuming he hasn’t left for another woman (and not all do,) he hasn’t actually done anything wrong, and while anger is perfectly normal it is IMO unreasonable to be sending him angry texts.

If a woman came on here saying that she didn’t love her h and had left and that he was sending her angry texts people would be calling him abusive and saying she’d had a lucky escape.

Juells · 13/09/2019 15:15

We split a few months ago and he’s still living here

EEK! I wouldn't tolerate that for one minute. How are you supposed to move on with your life when he's hanging around like a bad smell, affecting your view of yourself.

Juells · 13/09/2019 15:16

If a woman came on here saying that she didn’t love her h and had left and that he was sending her angry texts people would be calling him abusive and saying she’d had a lucky escape.

I honestly don't think so. They'd say he was upset and expressing it.

sheshootssheimplores · 13/09/2019 15:18

I would also suspect another woman will soon crawl out of the woodwork.

supersop60 · 13/09/2019 15:20

It would be much more damaging for your daughter to have two miserable parents and a stressed atmosphere to live in. If he's promised to do 50/50, then hold him to that.
My great-niece is 3 and her parents have split. She knows they both love her very much, and she spends almost equal time with each one (and GPs). Any disagreements they have are sorted, in private, away from her.

Juells · 13/09/2019 15:22

I would also suspect another woman will soon crawl out of the woodwork.

I've never known a man to leave without having someone to run to. :(

Original poster

shakingthetree · 13/09/2019 15:25

@NoCauseRebel I can assure you I am not abusing him. An angry text sent out of hurt does not equal abuse.

We split 10 weeks ago and no sign of another woman. In fact he wanted to stay living here longer for financial reasons

OP posts:

Juells · 13/09/2019 15:29

An angry text sent out of hurt does not equal abuse.

Of course it doesn't. You're not a flipping martyr.

tinyvulture · 13/09/2019 15:40

I split with my ex when dd was 5. She’s 7 now and absolutely fine - loved by us, by our new partners, by (approx) 9000000 step-siblings..... Ex and I get on great (now, didn’t always) and co-parent really well. Honestly, it can be fine. Which is not to say at all that I don’t get your anger and resentment just now......,

AlternativePerspective · 13/09/2019 16:01

shakingthetree* no I didn’t say you were being abusive, just that if the situation was reversed the posters here saying that he deserves the anger would say that a woman leaving a relationship doesn’t deserve the anger as anyone should be able to leave a relationship for any reason they want. Iyswim.

@jules We tend to only hear about the men who leave for OW, but really not all men do, just as not all women do. Sometimes a marriage just doesn’t work out for whatever reason. My DP didn’t leave for OW he left because there were major problems in the relationship wrt emotional abuse from his now ex etc.

Often women won’t talk about a man leaving if there isn’t an OW because often there are other issues within the relationship which could cause the other party to leave, and most don’t want to talk about those. *

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