Is there any solution to this?

[fedup21]

DH has over the last couple of years become very disillusioned with the state of the country-politics, economy, inequality etc and thinks (especially after Brexit) that it’s going to be shit in England for the non-rich so wants us to move. Ideally to NZ, Canada or America-someone with space from people.

I don’t want to move. The kids are settled here at school, all our friends and family are here and I’m happy here. I didn’t overly enjoy living away at university-it takes a while to make new friends, and I’m still really really good friends with people from years ago-the thought of starting from scratch and emigrating fills me with dread. I think it would make me and the kids utterly miserable. I’m not very adventurous and have never had any desire to go on a gap year, live abroad-that is no surprise but he is saying that he’s amazed that someone so risk averse (boring) like me is prepared to just stay in this country in this turmoil and condemn our kids to a life of misery and death. He says that we don’t have to move, but if we don’t-I have to have a plan for the future when things go wrong and there is no NHS or pension and things are horrendous. Apparently our kids will all ultimately move abroad and the government will have changed the laws and we won’t be ever able to move to see them.

To me, he sounds unhinged. I’ve told him that my plan (if he carries on ranting at me about this-it’s been going on years, but getting worse) would have to be to split up as I can’t continue live like this. His response to this is ‘thanks, you would rather split up than consider my happiness?’

Is there any solution to this? Am I being unreasonable?

Yep at your ages it’s unlikely to get v far

For you OP I think you need to see it as a flight of fancy and not feasible

I could be reading it wrong but there seems to be a lot in your posts about how your actions might make him feel but not much to indicate he's worrying about how him wanting to uproot your family might make you feel. If it's not ok for you to make him miserable by staying why is it ok for him to make you miserable by going? Ultimately he is the one who wants change so all of the mental/emotional work that needs to be done so the two of you can make this decision should be on him, not you.

No, I think you are spot on here. I am trying to be reasonable and think it through, but the only solution I can see is us not being together any more. That’s a difficult thing to come to terms with after two decades together.

It's based on various things including age, education/qualifications, work history, criminal checks, family situation, having a job offer in Canada (which then involves Labour Market Impact Assessments etc.) etc. In terms of age, younger=more points.

Teaching is potentially tricky as each province has their own rules re. qualifications and may not accept others. Here in Alberta there are more qualified teachers than jobs available (friend's girlfriend is a University of Calgary qualified teacher and struggled to find a permanent job). Probably a different story in e.g. Nunavut or the far northern reaches of Manitoba etc. but I very much doubt if you'd want to relocate to somewhere like that!

Even if you're not together he's still unlikely to get in, plus would he move thousands of miles away from your DCs?!

If you were all on board then relocating somewhere within Europe would be a much more realistic option. A lot less far from the UK too.

For a supposedly educated man his views on emigration seem really ill-informed and not very well researched.

It's quite a lengthy, expensive process and that's even when you're in desirable professions (granted, I don't know whether either of you qualify in that respect or not).

Has he actually looked into it in any detail?

Have you asked him what research he has done to find out if any of his desirable locations would accept him and/or you? At the moment he is criticising you for refusing to contemplate something that is quite probably unachievable in the first place.

There may be some chance (not a big one, but likely to be higher than a successful emigration) that doing some serious research into entry requirements, time taken, wealth tests (don’t know if they apply or not), cost of living, housing, access to relevant jobs.

Oh - and in addition to those questions, what would be his thoughts on funding his DCs university/college educations if by some miracle you got into the US? It’s hardly free any more in the UK but it is extremely expensive in the States.

Sorry - poor proof reading there. Was trying to say that if he did some meaningful research he might, conceivably, calm down and would certainly not be able to blame high entry hurdles in other countries on you.

Your DH sounds very pessimistic, unduly so. I would question whether he is suffering from stress and anxiety and needs treatment for it. I know you say he has become like this but is he usually a 'glass half empty' type of person?

I would tell him it isn't up to you to make plans for apocalyptic circumstances and that if he wants to then he can.

You do not need to emigrate to a country that you have no connections with (and might not be allowed to move there anyway) and leave your family, friends and support network behind because of his extraordinarily negative views of the UK.

If he really is serious then let him research emigration and you might find he will realise that it's not all it's cracked up to be.

Btw, you are not responsible for his happiness. He is. All you have to do is to decide to be happy and to refuse to be unhappy.

Look, many of us don't like Brexit and think we'll end up worse off in the long run, but this is a serious case of Brexit Derangement Syndrome.

Some people just love the idea that whatever they oppose politically is going to cause the sky to fall in. They almost want it to happen, just to prove how right they are.

I would tell him it isn't up to you to make plans for apocalyptic circumstances and that if he wants to then he can.You do not need to emigrate to a country that you have no connections with (and might not be allowed to move there anyway) and leave your family, friends and support network behind because of his extraordinarily negative views of the UK.

This is all very sensible. He just seems almost fixated on finding a ‘solution’ and if I don’t like his, I need to magic one up. If I don’t want to move (thousands of miles) then he keeps saying I have to come up with an alternative plan as everything is going to be shit here. I’m just exhausted of going round in circles having the same conversation

It’s all, if we stay here...

Our kids will all ultimately leave the country because there will be no jobs, but we won’t be able to see them because ‘they’ will stop free movement.

The NHS will be screwed and we will have to watch our kids die if they get ill as we won’t be able to afford private health care.

Inequality will get worse and we will end up with nothing and the rich will have it all.

He says that if I won’t move, then I’m saying I want all that to happen to our kids and I’m happy for them to die or be slaves. Honestly-the language he uses is bizarre.

He is an educated intelligent man like I said, but sounds almost delusional on this. I don’t know enough about politics or the economy to know how much of what he’s saying is scaremongering fantasy and how much is even vaguely likely.

At the moment though, I feel like if there is a shitstorm in this country and everything goes tits up, I’d frankly rather die alone here without him ranting at me, than thousands of miles away from my home, family and friends.