Is there any solution to this?

[fedup21]

DH has over the last couple of years become very disillusioned with the state of the country-politics, economy, inequality etc and thinks (especially after Brexit) that it’s going to be shit in England for the non-rich so wants us to move. Ideally to NZ, Canada or America-someone with space from people.

I don’t want to move. The kids are settled here at school, all our friends and family are here and I’m happy here. I didn’t overly enjoy living away at university-it takes a while to make new friends, and I’m still really really good friends with people from years ago-the thought of starting from scratch and emigrating fills me with dread. I think it would make me and the kids utterly miserable. I’m not very adventurous and have never had any desire to go on a gap year, live abroad-that is no surprise but he is saying that he’s amazed that someone so risk averse (boring) like me is prepared to just stay in this country in this turmoil and condemn our kids to a life of misery and death. He says that we don’t have to move, but if we don’t-I have to have a plan for the future when things go wrong and there is no NHS or pension and things are horrendous. Apparently our kids will all ultimately move abroad and the government will have changed the laws and we won’t be ever able to move to see them.

To me, he sounds unhinged. I’ve told him that my plan (if he carries on ranting at me about this-it’s been going on years, but getting worse) would have to be to split up as I can’t continue live like this. His response to this is ‘thanks, you would rather split up than consider my happiness?’

Is there any solution to this? Am I being unreasonable?

Well, we’re leaving in early 2020, but we’re not originally from the UK, we both like moving on, and have lived in lots of different countries, and will probably live in several more. Our seven year old is confident and cosmopolitan. I would go crazy married to someone who didn’t like the challenge of a new place, a new language etc, but it’s not as though this is a new side to you that your husband isn’t aware of.

NZ, Australia and Canada all have state funded medical care.

But moving to the other side of the world when you aren't 100% committed would be a disaster for you. It's not all sunshine and roses over this side of the world. While life can be pretty good here it won't be without a massive desire to be here.

Itstrue I live in Oz but never bother to correct people regarding that on here. People assume you have to pay for everything. It's not like America or something where you have a baby and get a big bill as you say, there's state funded care.

But not every immigrant gets that. You need to earn below a certain threshold too. The line is high...and as pretty ordinary workers, we do get some help. DD's braces cost us 1000 dollars instead of 7000. That's less than a thousand pounds and we paid it in instalments.

You don't have as much of a culture of expectation here but they don't neglect the needy either.

Sounds like he is using emotional blackmail so you agree to move. Everything will be 'your' fault as you didn't agree to move.

No one knows what the future holds, no one. For all we know aliens could arrive next week!

I am assuming he and/or you have the type of skills that will mean you can get the type of Visa you need to move to the USA etc?

Your DH sounds very naive and I’ll informed the emigrating

So I’m going to take a punt. He’s not in a profession that is actually going to equate to points that will permit him to move to these countries he mentions.

So I wouldn’t stress OP. Just smile and nod and suggest he look in to it.

You and family are going no where

Well you could call his bluff and suggest he looks into it further. You need to have certain jobs to get into most countries. How anyone can think the way the US is run at the mo is better than here is not reading Trump's tweets. Canada, temperatures of -16 in the winter? Australia - just seen a thread recently where people can't afford housing in Sydney or Perth, how much savings will you have. Why not just move to Europe, as it's not so far away - maybe he doesn't want to have to learn another language .... aw diddums. I don't think he is really serious about this, unless he also wants you to take full responsibility for the move too!!

Canada has fully state funded healthcare. Physicians don’t provide private healthcare. But it’s not perfect here either.

He’s putting all the responsibility onto you, for anything that goes wrong in the future, and it’s hugely manipulative and nasty. It’s also very childish.

Does he behave like this in other areas of your marriage?

You poor thing. 💐

Stick absolutely to what you feel happy with. It’s your life as well and you only live once. Stay strong.

Stay, we will need everyone we can get in the militia after Brexit!

I don't read the papers now online, don't watch tv news, hear the news at some point most days on the radio, don't read news feeds, have removed them from my online stuff, might occasionally look something up which I am interested in.

Perhaps he should do the same.

He is being totally immature. He wants to emigrate for spurious reasons and has no sensible plan at all.
You don't have to prove or say anything except no.
I can only imagine the chaotic move if he plans it. Then you are stuck there with someone who isn't behaving rationally.
My first husband decided we were all moving to Germany and that was bad enough. We were stuck there while he messed about not working and eventually I put my son in the car and drove back home. You can't do that from New Zealand.

Wow. If anything, I would struggle to live with someone who is in this state of panic.
We are all worried about Brexit , none of this sounds great, but like pp posted out climate change is a real issue too, how does he plan to address that?
He ie putting you in a horrible situation, coming up with these huge plans and expecting you to go against what feels right to you.
You are not the bad guy for staying here and wanting the best for your kids.
That is just unfair of him to say that to get his own way.
I am not even sure you should consider it or entertain it.
He is being unreasonable, and possibly struggling with issues. If he needs help with these then he should get it, and by all means support him.
But you can't be blamed for stuff that goes wrong in the UK. That's ridiculous.
The world is uncertain no matter where !

Tell him to go ahead and you’ll follow.......then don’t.

Yeah, he's a fruit loop. Sounds like he needs professional help.

@HennyPennyHorror interesting. I'm in NZ and thought it was all covered like it is here if you are a citizen or resident. So if I go to Australia am I not covered in your health care system?

I had to laugh when you said he said you would be condemning your children to a life of misery and death . Not the optimistic type is he?

I agree that he sounds unhinged and has probably done no research whatsover.

I would say yes you would rather split up than consider his happiness because his apparent happiness would cause you misery.

He sounds a huge PITA and you also sound incompatible at this stage of your lives. I hope you can sort something out - perhaps with him moving away to his fantasy land and the kids visiting him in the holidays?

Not the optimistic type is he?

Lol, nope!

I think he likes Canada because it’s big and property seems cheaper, plus there’s a health service. Goodness knows if I’d even be allowed or qualified to do my job (specialised role within teaching)-I haven’t looked into it as I don’t want to go!

I just feel that he will be blaming me for any future ‘bad stuff’ that’s going to happen.

When he says that if I don’t want to move, I’ll have to come up with an alternative as our pensions will be tiny, I just have no idea what to say. All I can suggest to do is we continue to work, pay into pensions, continue to pay off the mortgage etc. Isn’t that what everybody does?

When I ask him why everyone else isn’t continually having these conversations about leaving the country and having a PLAN, he says that 95% of the population are stupid and have no idea what is about to happen.

Frankly, I’d rather be stupid, living near my friends and family and not being ranted at about either moving or ‘having an alternative plan’ continually.

What I don’t want is for him to stay here, trapped in a marriage with me and for me to leave him in a few years (because he’s making me so miserable) and for him to say, he should have gone abroad years ago but I wouldn’t ‘let’ him because he wouldn’t want to go without the kids.

Despite being married, I actually feel very alone

Property prices vary hugely in Canada. It is a truly massive place and if you want to live in a city (i.e. where the jobs are) or one of the really beautiful National Geographic-photo areas then it's extremely expensive. To get relatively cheap housing you may end up in the middle of nowhere, and the middle of nowhere here is not like in the UK! Vancouver house prices are astronomical, as in $1.5 million + for a family house. Calgary, where I live, is not cheap either. The general cost of living is also high; petrol is cheap but food, toiletries etc. are way more expensive than the UK, I got a real shock when I moved. A lot of grocery items/fresh foods are 2-3 times the price they are in the UK. It also snows here for approximately 7 months of the year and regularly hits -25 to -35 in that time. There have been huge job losses in many areas in recent years too, Calgary/Alberta has suffered terribly, losing tens of thousands of jobs in the oil and gas industry.

On top of all that, you have to actually be able to get in, get work permits etc. If you don't have a resident spouse or relatives and can't go the spousal/family sponsorship route then it's a pretty rigorous points system. Most people wouldn't qualify. I don't think your DH is being very realistic even without the fact of you not actually wanting to emigrate.

Thank you for your reply-that’s really interesting about the cost of living.

it's a pretty rigorous points system

Is it based on age? DH is only a couple of years off 50 (I’m early 40s). Both have degrees-IT and teacher, I suppose you’d need a job offer first anyway?

If he thinks he won't be able to hack it in the UK post-Brexit he won't stand an earthly in either the US or Oz.

Have you ever actually said to him 'right so you want to emigrate and I don't, what do you suggest we do?' because you seem to be putting a fair bit of effort into trying to find some sort of solution but what is he doing? He is the one wanting to change the status quo so surely he should be the one worrying about whether you will feel trapped if you go?

I could be reading it wrong but there seems to be a lot in your posts about how your actions might make him feel but not much to indicate he's worrying about how him wanting to uproot your family might make you feel. If it's not ok for you to make him miserable by staying why is it ok for him to make you miserable by going? Ultimately he is the one who wants change so all of the mental/emotional work that needs to be done so the two of you can make this decision should be on him, not you.

I suspect you're going to turn yourself inside out worrying and working out all the implications of a move while he does jack shit about finding out any facts which might allay your worries (or more likely prove it's nowhere near as easy as he thinks) until he eventually gives up and it all comes to nothing anyway. I would be holding him to account from the outset, keep asking for facts instead of vagueries and don't let him get away with trying to sell you a fantasy, he needs to do his research and present you with actual facts. In the meantime I would try your hardest to file it in the 'DH's problem' bin, don't let him tie you in knots over this when he hasn't even bothered to find out if it's possible.

That's quite old to try to get in anywhere really.