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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

An open letter

30 replies

usedabusedandfoolish · 12/09/2019 18:35

To Nicola

I am sure you must have had your suspicions. Felt very insecure about the sexy women your husband follows on Instagram. I'm sure he's told you they added him, they are just adding people to boost likes he doesn't every talk to them etc. Has no interest in others it's you who comes home to.
I'm sure when he works away he's told you he spends a lovely evening in the hotel, watching some tv. Maybe popping out for a drink. Obviously doesn't tell you about the other women he meets up with. Who until recently had no idea you existed. I'm sure you've seen him constantly checking his phone. Telling you it's just work/friends etc and he'd never cheat on you. After all he sings your praises and posts loads of pictures of you and your two boys all over Facebook. He dotes on you right? He even manages your business.
You deserve better. Trust your instincts. Check that Instagram account. Check those private messages. Get those answers and get out. We will all be here for you

OP posts:
ChristmasFluff · 12/09/2019 20:37

Dear OP,

Don't worry about me, I've known what he's like for years, although he thinks I don't.

I probably don't actually love him any more, but he is my meal ticket, he manages my business, and he dotes on me and our boys.

Dunno what he does for the other women, and quite frankly don't care so long as my comfortable lifestyle is not affected. He will never leave me and the boys, and if he does, I will take him to the cleaners.

So don't feel sorry for me. Feel sorry for the poor saps who give it away WAAAY cheaper than I ever would.

I'm probably not Nicola, but for all you know, I could be.

FireCrotch69 · 12/09/2019 20:43

Well said @christmasfluff

Dear OP.

Just tell her if you so badly want to.
It’s unlikely to go the way you want tho

Original poster
usedabusedandfoolish · 12/09/2019 21:09

@FireCrotch69 what way do you think I want it to go?

OP posts:
NeelixFelicis · 12/09/2019 21:24

Tell her, if you must.
But don't think he will skip happily into your the new woman's arms!

He will be devastated he's been caught, angry at the person who exposed him. Facing a future without his loyal DW, away from the comfort and security of the marital home (which he will likely need to continue paying for!), plus maintenance for his boys.
The thrill of an affair soon dampens when it's exposed. It's not hidden and exciting anymore. When money is tight, when he's in a 1-bed flat and his stuff in binbags....all because he fucked up, and he really won't be the Forbidden Fruit anymore. The OW will lose their appeal when it's not a secret thrill.

If his DW is aware of his cheating and ignores it, she won't like the fact other people know, and worry she's being judged/pitied/laughed at.
If she didn't know but decided to stay, she'd think the same and cut off the person who told her.
And he will not thank anyone who threatens to burst his comfy bubble by poking their nose into his life.

This is a situation where the messenger always gets shot.

Whatwouldbigfatfannydo · 12/09/2019 21:35

Why would you ever think this was appropriate? How many women with the same name and circumstances do you think you've caused it for tonight? So utterly selfish.

Plasebeafleabite · 12/09/2019 21:42

Frankly we all deserve better than this post

wildcherries · 12/09/2019 21:42

35Whatwouldbigfatfannydo That's what I thought. Not great.

Mostlyhappy4 · 12/09/2019 21:43

I just find this melodramatic and immature. And I agree with pp, you will have made some women paranoid after reading this.

Original poster
usedabusedandfoolish · 12/09/2019 21:55

Well maybe some women need to be made aware what their 'committed' partners are doing

I don't want him- no chance. I had no idea he was attached for a while and when i did he was gone

OP posts:
Whatwouldbigfatfannydo · 12/09/2019 22:05

So tell her directly. This isn't the way to go about it Hmm

BumbleBeee69 · 12/09/2019 22:14

I'll bite... I don't get it .. Who the heck is Nicola Hmm

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/09/2019 22:17

Is she on here? If so that’s pretty low. If not what’s the point?

Brot64 · 12/09/2019 22:36

GrinGrinConfusedmost ridiculous post I have seen on here. You either tell the woman directly (which in itself is ridiculous) or hold your silence and move on.

This sort of attention seeking and need for closure (or letting someone know something, regardless of what that something may be ) is juvenile and reeks of desperation. It is incredibly foolish too, because in the majority of cases the man will be apologetic and stick to his wife and children. You will be painted as just another "crazy" woman obsessed with the man.

Move on gracefully and thank your gods you escaped him. Let Nicola deal with her marital issues without your interference.

DBML · 12/09/2019 22:39

Are you angry with Nicola or her husband. It sounds as though you’re angry with Nicola...but she’s done nothing to you. Your open letter would hurt and humiliate an innocent woman far more than her deceitful husband.
If you want to tell her for more genuine reasons, you’d speak to her in person.

RLOU30 · 12/09/2019 22:44

What a pile of shite.

gorrisandhorace · 12/09/2019 22:49

Goodness I bet Nicola is just occupied with her own life and her own friends and couldn’t give a rats arse about this little drama.
She’s probably too busy picking up her husbands slack while he pisses around on Instagram.

BringTheBounceBack · 12/09/2019 22:51

OP get a backbone woman and just tell her straight

RLOU30 · 12/09/2019 22:56

In fact this is so spiteful and possibly damaging to random families that I think we should stop commenting to keep it out of active threads

dontgobaconmyheart · 12/09/2019 22:57

Just tell her directly and without all the embarrassing drama OP if it concerns you so much. It reads like a bit of a level creative writing for goodness sake. Perhaps she already knows and doesn't care, either way it isn't your business really.

As for being there for her Confused - trying to out her on the internet instead of intervening directly is hardly the behaviour of anyone I'd want much to do with tbh.

Not sure if it was the intent OP because ybut it makes you sound a bit bitter? Like you want her to get her comeuppance and have to find out the truth like you did or something. Not a good look, any of it.

Sagradafamiliar · 12/09/2019 23:12

So are you one of many women or did you mean 'woman'?
How did you not know about Nicola if you messaged him all the time via IG and he's always posting about her?
How do you know she saw him checking his phone? he probably took it into the bog with him while he was having a shit like most men do
Are you sure they're not in an open relationship?
When are you going to ask to get this deleted by MNHQ? 😬

Original poster
usedabusedandfoolish · 12/09/2019 23:15

@Sagradafamiliar he has a Facebook account I wasn't aware of
All his family stuff on there. Insta for the ladies I pressume

OP posts:
Sagradafamiliar · 12/09/2019 23:17

You seem very naive.
Why are you telling her to get out? Don't you think that's her call?

Monday55 · 12/09/2019 23:24

Plot twist: Nicola & her husband have an open relationship :/

headlock · 12/09/2019 23:25

I hate open letters. Cringy attention seeking

mamato3lads · 12/09/2019 23:31

"Check those private messages ??

And what will they reveal? What are you trying to achieve here?

I feel so sorry for whoever this is about.

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