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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Leaving an abusive relationship. Help please.

50 replies

timetomakeachange1987 · 12/09/2019 10:38

I live with my fiancée and he is abusive, he threatens to leave me anytime I speak out, offers me no support around the house (I increased my hours to full time whilst he doesn't work and I do all housework), tracked my phone (I did put a stop to that), breaks my things secretly, hides my things, offers me no emotional support, messes with my head to make me feel crazy etc.

He has no job right now and has all the time in the world to make my life hell. After doing some digging I have found out he has been abusive in all three of his relationships before me and stalked, harassed, broke into an ex partners house, sent revenge p*rn, intimated and sued ex partners. He has been to court twice and got off with restraining orders.

Well the great thing is I finally have a house to move to and i'm waiting for a move in date, but I am scared of the fall out from it. It's in an area he wouldn't think to find me, but I will be still working for my current employer so he can always find me there. I plan to leave when he's out and anything important is already at my parents house, everything else can be replaced.

How do I protect myself when I leave? I am so scared of the fall out, as his nasty side is very scary. I know he will be after money he thinks I owe him for 'gifts' he has purchased in the relationship. He's very much money motivated. He plays the victim well and isn't scared of making a scene after speaking with his ex partner (threats of suicide, laying on a railway line).

So far I don't really have an evidence of abuse besides a few nasty texts when we fall out and he tells me to fuck off out his life etc. Any advice would be welcomed. I also have a child to protect that isn't his, but he seems to think he has rights to as he was there from when he was a baby.

I'm so happy I am moving away finally, but also so scared of the fall out.

OP posts:
bluebell34567 · 12/09/2019 10:50

ring womens aid. they will help you. Flowers

Crinkletinkle · 12/09/2019 11:14

What an awful situation for you.

My ex-H was a lot like this while we were married, and I subsequently found he has had restraining orders against one previous ex and also one of his affair partners when we were married.

We had a house together and when we divided our assets I got less than I was entitled to financially. It was in the $1000s but in my situation I feel it was a small price to pay long term to get away from him as quickly and cleanly as possible.

I shut down all my social media accounts. I got a new phone number and new devices after I left and when he did not have access to my possessions any more.

I told some of my close friends and family and my manager about the abuse.

In your case, after you have left he has no reason to contact you as you dont have a child together. I'd suggest you tell him not to contact you. If he does, immediately go to the police. The follow through is really important. If you say you are going to the police and don't, he will see it as licence to escalate harrassment.

Good luck, I really feel for you. Just remember that things will get much better.

Original poster
timetomakeachange1987 · 12/09/2019 11:20

@Crinkletinkle thank you for replying and telling me about your experience. Did you have to go to the police in the end? The house is in his name, so I accept I won't get a penny there, which is fine. If he asks about money that I 'owe' him, can I still tell him not to message again? I feel like as he has purchased these thigs, even if I didn't ask for them, maybe I should give them back or pay him? I'm not sure what I morally feel if that makes sense. I believe he's purchased these things to make me feel trapped though, he knows I struggle with guilt and it's how he's got me not to leave in the past. He's great at a guilt trip.

OP posts:
Whatisthisfuckery · 12/09/2019 11:25

Call DV Assist. You can find them with a quick google. They’re a free service and they can help with non-molestation/prohibited steps orders. You might not think you have enough evidence but talk to them anyway. If he’s got form then this will make a difference.

Good luck, and well done for getting things sorted.

Whatisthisfuckery · 12/09/2019 11:27

And if he’s purchased gifts for you voluntarily then that’s his lookout. You didn’t ask for them and you don’t owe him a thing.

Original poster
timetomakeachange1987 · 12/09/2019 11:28

@Whatisthisfuckery I haven't heard of them, i'll give them a call later on. Thank you

OP posts:
Gemma1971 · 12/09/2019 11:29

Strongly advise you to ask for a meeting with a domestic violence specialist at the police station. They will have him on record already no doubt due to the restraining orders. Go and speak to them and get all the advice and help that you can.

How are you leaving? Do you have someone to help you move? I would be worried he will become violent if he catches you actually leaving. Will he be out or away at the time? Or do you have friends or family helping you?

Two previous restraining orders is VERY worrying. Please do not buy into the guilt tripping. Fucking hell these abusers ruin lives. There is some horrendous statistic on how many women are murdered by their partners in the UK. Please be careful.

You need to be clear, he does not love you and this is a trauma bond. The emotions he plays on, your guilt, well, he is going to attempt to do that big time when you are gone. You need to get your head really straight and have a mantra "He does not love me. He is poisonous" Something that works for you, but something that keeps your focus on staying away. Many women are victims of serious violence when they try to leave an abusive partner - and very often, the abuse and violence escalates after they go, because the abuser is left with a void filled only with his anger, contempt and rage. The place he usually vents his self-hate has gone.

Drop the guilt, drop the guilt, drop the guilt, drop the guilt, drop the guilt.. I cannot say that enough. Don't even meet with him or speak with him once you get away. But please get some help with leaving.

SpinneyHill · 12/09/2019 11:32

I would also let police know, they may be able to help you. They arranged for me to have deadlocks and a pull cord alarm put in a few years back. They are also likely to make a note and get to you quicker if they are aware.
Leaving is dangerous and the police do understand that. You've nothing to lose by letting them know

Gemma1971 · 12/09/2019 11:32

As for the money? Well, you did ALL the housework... what would a maid have cost him???

You owe him nothing. You owe yourself and your child safety and peace of mind.

Newmumma83 · 12/09/2019 11:35

Change your phone number , shut down or block him from social media , if he try’s to kill him self or says he is call a parent or sane person ... never converse with him.

I had an ex fiancé that I was about to move in with but didn’t he had threaten me with what would happen if I left though he was more bluster ... he did try and kill him self he kept calling place of work ... I called him mum and told him I refused to converse or go to hospital Harsh but I knew if I spoke to him I would be dragged back in
He eventually went away .. I Didn’t go out for a long time or stayed with friends further away, it was hard but liberating too.
Good luck x

Gemma1971 · 12/09/2019 11:40

The suicide threats are ridiculous and are another nasty tool in their toolbox of manipulation to bring you back on the leash under their control.

Good grief I have had my share of nutters when I think about it. One boyfriend who lived with me for a short period pretended he had swallowed a tub of paracetamol and downed a bottle of wine after I told him he needed to move out of my home and none of his other manipulations worked. I came home to find him lying on the bathroom floor face down with an empty wine bottle beside him and an empty paracetamol tub. He was breathing though.. I immediately called for an ambulance and as I did that, he sat up, grabbed the phone and said WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

He had thrown the pills in the bin... I found them later. What a twat.

The last ex kept threatening to disappear to another continent forever. FFS...... of course he didn't... he was straight onto the dating sites looking for his next victim.

Keep calm, they are liars and will do ANYTHING if they think they can get you to change your mind.

NC4Now · 12/09/2019 11:40

If he says he’s suicidal call the police on 999. They will deal with that situation.

Good luck op

Original poster
timetomakeachange1987 · 12/09/2019 11:52

@Gemma1971 I can move when he's out one day doing his hobby (he's gone for hours). I have my brother to help me move out . I really think it is a trauma bond and I have that I still need him, even though he is so toxic. I know it will never work, will get worse and I finally have the chance to break free from it all, but dam Is it hard to do. I'll inform the police when I move too just to be on the safe side and look at non molestation order. Looking through all the different types of abuse he really has done most of them besides being violent towards me. I'm so scared of him stalking me or turning up at my work and I am so anxious too

OP posts:
ItsInTheSpoon · 12/09/2019 11:55

Keep on going, you’re doing brilliantly Flowers
Can you warn your work do that they will turn him away without letting him see you if he turns up?

ItsInTheSpoon · 12/09/2019 11:56

*so (not do)

Original poster
timetomakeachange1987 · 12/09/2019 12:05

I've told my work and they've been very supportive, but it' easy to get into our small office and I think he would just show up. It's the not knowing what he could do or say to embarrass me etc. My other worry is him following me home and not noticing. I really need to be careful.

OP posts:
Gemma1971 · 12/09/2019 12:09

Write down all the abuse. Look at this list, which no doubt will be long, every time you miss him, want sex with him, want to hold him, hear his voice. That list is the REAL person. The rest is the mask, the facade he needs to wear to keep you around, the fake nice. Nobody would stay with someone who was abusive ALL the time.

I went back more times than I can count. And would rather forget. Now I feel shame because my choice to keep going back cost me dearly in so many ways. Work, family, friends, neglecting my home. I was burned out from work, was taking care of aging family members and he swooped back into my life at a time I was super vulnerable and after an absence of over one year (my choice). It is usually when we are vulnerable that they are able to do this, so get as much support from your family as you can.

Gemma1971 · 12/09/2019 12:10

Any chance you can take time off work OR work from home for a few weeks after moving?

Gemma1971 · 12/09/2019 12:11

Also helpful for the confused feelings:

www.confusiontoclaritynow.com/blog/covert-abuse-tactics

Sarahlou63 · 12/09/2019 12:14

Can you take time off for the move and ask your employer to tell him you've left the job if he calls or visits your office?

Original poster
timetomakeachange1987 · 12/09/2019 12:15

@Gemma1971 I've left a few times, but always ended up going back. He turned on the water works, begged, threatened suicide, spent money on gifts and wore me down every time, but this time I have a new home to go to, friends and family close by. Before when I left it was only for a few days and at my parents or friends homes. I feel such a mug it's taken me since January to finally get to the point of really leaving for good.

OP posts:
Original poster
timetomakeachange1987 · 12/09/2019 12:17

@Sarahlou63 I can't afford to take the time unpaid and only have a few days holiday left, which I need to keep in case my son is poorly.

OP posts: