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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Leaving an abusive relationship. Help please.

50 replies

timetomakeachange1987 · 12/09/2019 10:38

I live with my fiancée and he is abusive, he threatens to leave me anytime I speak out, offers me no support around the house (I increased my hours to full time whilst he doesn't work and I do all housework), tracked my phone (I did put a stop to that), breaks my things secretly, hides my things, offers me no emotional support, messes with my head to make me feel crazy etc.

He has no job right now and has all the time in the world to make my life hell. After doing some digging I have found out he has been abusive in all three of his relationships before me and stalked, harassed, broke into an ex partners house, sent revenge p*rn, intimated and sued ex partners. He has been to court twice and got off with restraining orders.

Well the great thing is I finally have a house to move to and i'm waiting for a move in date, but I am scared of the fall out from it. It's in an area he wouldn't think to find me, but I will be still working for my current employer so he can always find me there. I plan to leave when he's out and anything important is already at my parents house, everything else can be replaced.

How do I protect myself when I leave? I am so scared of the fall out, as his nasty side is very scary. I know he will be after money he thinks I owe him for 'gifts' he has purchased in the relationship. He's very much money motivated. He plays the victim well and isn't scared of making a scene after speaking with his ex partner (threats of suicide, laying on a railway line).

So far I don't really have an evidence of abuse besides a few nasty texts when we fall out and he tells me to fuck off out his life etc. Any advice would be welcomed. I also have a child to protect that isn't his, but he seems to think he has rights to as he was there from when he was a baby.

I'm so happy I am moving away finally, but also so scared of the fall out.

OP posts:
MontanaSky · 12/09/2019 12:26

Is there a part of your role which could be completed from home?
I'd have an honest chat with your manager about what is happening and a plan incase he turns up.
You could alter your start/finish times to throw him off.

Please also speak to Women's Aid or if you are in Norfolk; Leeway is a domestic abuse charity.

You can do this just keep yourself and your child safe. May need to alert school as well just to keep everyone in the loop.

Best wishes to you

timetomakeachange1987 · 12/09/2019 12:29

@MontanaSky I can't really do my job from home unfortunately. I think maybe another chat with my manager is probably my only option and being prepared for the worse. It's not a nice feeling though.

OP posts:
Mintjulia · 12/09/2019 12:30

Make sure when you rejoin the electoral role that you do not have a public listing for your address - which is the default.
Remember to put a redirect on your post. Redirect it to your parents house, not your new one.

FuriousVexation · 12/09/2019 12:31

Don't feel like a mug, OP. It's human nature to want to give people a second chance. But sadly, that's what abusers prey on.

It sounds like you have good support in place for your leaving plan. Good luck.

Gemma1971 · 12/09/2019 12:31

It took me 8 to 10 years or so, all on and off, on and off. I knew he was no good in 2010, was REALLY shown who he was in 2013 and STILL, went back in 2015 and deeply regret that reconnection. I also felt like a mug and still struggle with elements of shame. I only really ended it this year FOR THE LAST TIME - and he made zero fuss and accepted it, but I know he will try again... it could be a matter of weeks, it could be a matter of years, the difference this time though, is I am done.

Beating yourself up is pointless, but I did it and sometimes find myself still doing it. I think the wasted time and the missed opportunities, the work problems, the strained family relationships.. and one of the worst.. I missed an important milestone birthday of my Dad because I flew to be with him. My parents did not like him. They were right. They usually are, they kind of know.

It sounds as if you are done too, but still some elements of cognitive dissonance and trauma bonding. Keep your focus on you and your future. On the people who TRULY love you. Sounds like your family do, so lean on them.

timetomakeachange1987 · 12/09/2019 13:09

@Mintjulia thank you, that's very helpful.

OP posts:
timetomakeachange1987 · 12/09/2019 13:10

@Gemma1971 I just want to emotionally detach and I hope a new home, new area, family close by etc, will at least aid the process.

OP posts:
timetomakeachange1987 · 13/09/2019 08:41

Wow this is so hard. I know I am leaving in the next 2-3 weeks, I know it's abusive, but i'm also so scared to leave and cope on my own. I'm scared of how i'm manage no contact, how I won't cave, how I know i'll miss him. He's being nice and kind right now and it's so hard, I wish he could be horrible all the time instead, it would make it easier to leave.

OP posts:
Gemma1971 · 13/09/2019 08:55

It is not easy. If an abuser were not nice sometimes, we would never stick with them.

It's cognitive dissonance.

All I can recommend is, remember the abuse. THAT is who he is. Remember the abuse. That is what is coming again. Maybe tomorrow, next week, next month... but it's coming at some point.

And I did not want the rest of my life to look like that.

He will flip from nice to nasty if that works for him. Remember the abuse.

DishingOutDone · 13/09/2019 09:16

Just linking to the charity that was mentioned earlier:

www.dvassist.org.uk

Also ring the National Domestic Violence helpline that was literally a lifeline for me they are easier to get through to than Women's Aid and they can talk you through the whole thing; it was a turning point for me:

www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk

Did you say you have a son - is he still at school? I presume he's not your abusive partner's child?

Gemma1971 · 13/09/2019 09:17

See, your brain is split. You can't reconcile the two different personalities. The nice man and the nasty man. When you see nice man, you think, oh, he didn't really mean the abuse..... and forget about it... when nasty man shows his face, you get a shock.... but because nice man is who you WANT him to be, you rationalise the bad behaviour - think it maybe is your fault, he had a bad day, he's really a good guy deep down.. you excuse him...

The brain finds it super hard to hold two conflicting views about something.. or someone.

Which is partly... mainly ... what keeps you there and what keeps you so confused, even though you KNOW you have to get away. That and trauma bonding...

Just look at how many women get beaten up by their partners and yet they STILL go back... leaving friends and family shaking their heads. But it's BRAINWASHING. Abusers use the same methods as cults to program you and get you under their control. Once you understand this, it WILL make it easier to get away and stay away.

It's not about YOU either. He did the same to his exes, he will do the same to everyone. It is who he is and how he lives and operates.

You were a target.

Yes it is sick and almost impossible to understand but it is what it is. The sooner you really get that, the faster you will deal with it.

An acid test to clear the fog of confusion is telling close friend and family about some of the horrible stuff he said and did. I will never forget the look of utter horror when I told my best friend about some of the abusive things my ex said to me after I had surgery for a potentially life-threatening issue..... how he disappeared immediately afterwards for TWO WEEKS and then came back and abused me. How he made snide comments about my body, my face, my skin.

Other people are SHOCKED that we claim to love these people and that they claim to love us. My best friend said she would have packed her bags and walked out and never spoken to him again after even the first minor incident where he criticised my body very nastily. She was horrified that I kept going back.

Trauma bonding. It's programming. You need to reprogram yourself. Right now he is control of YOUR brain.... getting away from him, I am sure you will start to see that this man is NOT a good person.

timetomakeachange1987 · 13/09/2019 09:21

Yes I have a son, but he's not his. He seems to think he's the dad though as he's been there since he was a baby. My boy is at school in reception and has a school place where we move to.

OP posts:
timetomakeachange1987 · 18/09/2019 15:02

Update on the useless excuse of a friend. He went to a sporting event sunday which I decided I didn't want to attend. When asked where I was by a friend of mine he told them he's told me to fuck off and find someone else. I questioned him about it and he said he had said no such thing and was very defensive. He either knows i'm leaving him and saving face or he's annoyed I didn't come (maybe both). He must know my friend would of told me this. It's probably another game of his I guess to make me feel crazy and cause a divide in my friendship with this person.

OP posts:
Siablue · 18/09/2019 16:47

You can get a non molestation order. This would have the power of arrest if he were to come to your work place. I think it is worth talking to the police about this. Flowers

ThatFlamingCandle · 18/09/2019 16:56

Hey OP

It might be an idea to record (voice memo) conversations you have with him, since you said you're afraid of the fallout and him manipulating others in his favour. Then you have hard evidence of what he says. Also how did you find out about the past abuse? You might not want to do this, but you could get in contact with the other exes when you leave, I don't know, maybe just have a chat?

I'd also say call work, and tell them to alert you if they see him around your workplace. Let somebody know about your concerns so others have a record in case anything happens.

Hope it works out.

timetomakeachange1987 · 18/09/2019 17:38

I've spoken to the ex's and that's how I know what hell he put them through. I've downloaded an app to record conversations if he does be nasty. Otherwise I don't really have any evidence of the nastiness over text.

OP posts:
Heartburn888 · 18/09/2019 21:45

Don’t pay him a penny, just get to your move in date and go and don’t look back. If you start pissing about saying I’ll pay you for household items you’ll just be prolonging it and enabling him to make you feel worse.

Really sorry you’re in this situation it must be awful.

I’d inform your employers of his history and ask them to contact the police should he ever turn up at work and I’d also make a report to the police to just make them aware of his history and that you fear it may happen to you too. They might go out and see him and pre warn him to back off.

Hope you manage to get it sorted and hope it’s an easy transition for you. Best of luck Flowers

saveallyourkisses · 18/09/2019 22:28

Hi OP, I have worked in domestic violence support services as well as having experienced it myself as a child and an adult. Others on this thread have been fantastic, and I just wanted to post to offer the following advice -

You are absolutely in no way at fault, and the guilt/confusion you may be feeling has been programmed into you by his behaviour. It is cunning, manipulative and designed to make you stay even when things are truly terrible. Please remember that this person is not capable of loving you in a healthy way as you deserve. You are only of interest to them because they wish to control you, and I know that's hard but it is true.

You've done some really impressive ground work to prepare yourself for leaving, such as ensuring anything important is already at your parents home. Please try to ensure you have taken all essential documents for yourself and your son out of the home before you need to go, but only if you can do this safely without it being detected. The same goes for any sentimental items too.

Remember that technology is very impressive now and that we can be tracked in ways we may not consider. I would strongly advise turning off any ICloud (or similar) settings on your phone as soon as you have left, and if possible it's even better to have the phone completely replaced. At the very least, go into somewhere like carphone warehouse and ask that they check the phone for anything unusual like a tracking device. You don't have to fully explain yourself to them but they will have seen this before and can look for you (some devices are tiny and can be hidden well) This is also important for any social media. I would personally suggest you don't have any accounts active as it makes it too easy to trace you.

If you drive, get your car checked for tracking devices too. It may seem extreme, but where I worked it was a common theme that service users found out a device had been fitted to their car. Get a garage where you live at the moment to check for this before you go to your new area so that he doesn't have any knowledge of your movements. Again, mechanics will have seen this before (unfortunately!)

If you are able to have a clear leaving plan, try to make it so that your son isn't there and you have someone with you. I see that you mentioned your brother helping, and that is great. The most dangerous time for anyone experiencing DV is when you are leaving the relationship, so be as quick as possible and be with someone you trust to help you. It's also a good idea to have someone totally aware of what is happening who isn't present but knows when to expect you or is waiting for phone call to confirm you are ok, with an accurate timescale of when to call the police if they haven't heard from you.

Police have specially designated teams to deal with domestic abuse and of course it is your choice of whether you wish to use them, but they are trained to help you. They have specialist officers who can go through a questionnaire with you to deduce your level of risk and support you appropriately. This can often be a real eye opener to the abuse but also can really help in ensuring your safety. If they are aware of your leaving plan, they can put safeguards in place, and they can also transfer the support to your new area for a wraparound effect. They can also signpost you to excellent support services once you have left who will help you to understand what you have been through and keep you feeling strong. There are also specialist services for children who have experienced domestic abuse which can really help them to understand and move forward.

Do everything you can to stay in the mindset and not contact him. He will throw everything he has at getting you back, so it's best to be completely unreachable and ignore anything that you hear. He has done this before, he will do it again, and you deserve so much better.

If you are able to speak with the police, they can also ensure a priority flag is placed on your current and new properties which comes up whenever a call is made from those addresses so that if, for example, you call but can't speak, they know the nature of the issue and can respond with an appropriate urgency and knowledge. They can also have a safety specialist come to your new home to look at locks, inform you of any weaknesses in home security and fit cameras for you free of charge. They can also fit panic buttons if needed.

Make your sons new school aware of what has happened. I know that this part isn't easy, but you have a huge advantage in that he isn't your sons father and has no PR. If they are aware and have a picture of your soon-to-be ex they can be totally prepared to keep your son safe and will also be able to understand and support if he needs it.

You will one day soon be able to look back and be proud of this, and it will feel amazing. You have a great future ahead of you and are being the best mum you can be by getting out for you and you sons sake.

If you need any more advice please let me know. Smile

saveallyourkisses · 18/09/2019 22:36

Once you are out, it's also really worth reading Living with The Dominator and if you can, enrolling onto the Freedom Program. It will provide skills, solidarity and support.

The book is amazing and looks at different characteristics of a perpetrator (abuser) that will reaffirm how calculated his abuse is. It can really help, especially in the early days having just left the relationship, to gain this understanding which will help you to focus your mind on recovery and moving forwards.

timetomakeachange1987 · 19/09/2019 13:52

Thank you that's really great advice. I have the living with the dominator book and plan to do a course once I've moved.

OP posts:
timetomakeachange1987 · 24/09/2019 12:46

I should have the keys in around a week to my new house. I know all the facts now and can see the abuse, but I know I will miss him and find it so hard going no contact. I almost feel guilty leaving him as he will struggle with the mortgage on his own as he's not working. I sometimes wonder if he really is as bad as I think he is. Whats wrong with me!

OP posts:
ineedanonmol · 24/09/2019 12:55

I think maybe it's reality finally hitting that i'm leaving and im scared. I know it is abusive, unhealthy and won't chage deep down, but it's so scared finally standing up for myself and leaving. I'm hardly sleeping and having nightmares every evening about him stalking me or finding my child. I'm terrified of the fall out of me actually leaving him for good.

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