Husband watching porn

[Tmnmpa1]

I'm so embarrassed to be writing this but I've found out that my husband has been watching porn at times when I've been out or away on work trips.
What makes this worse is that we dont have any sex life at the minute and the whole thing has made me feel so inadequate and my self esteem is shattered.

He has always been the kind of person who comments on that type of thing as if it's disgusting and pathetic...and presented himself as just having a low sex drive at the minute. Truth is he hasn't had a low sex drive, he just doesn't want me.

I never thought I was in any way stunning before, or that I am more attractive than anybody, but I didn't think I was that bad looking. Now I cant even look at myself in the mirror.

I actually dont think I know him anymore, as this seems so out of character from the person he has presented for the past 12 years. In fact last night when I first confronted him he said things like 'dont be daft', 'I'd never do that' and he basically made me feel like I was overreacting. Then this morning I did some more digging and found out just how often hes been watching and when.

I'm also 31 weeks pregnant but please dont say I'm being hormonal, there is an element of that, but that doesn't stop me feeling devastated that I'm not enough to satisfy him.

Has the lack of sex only been an issue since you've been pregnant? Some men are just funny about having sex as "there's a baby inside" and it feels wrong to them. My DH has this and luckily I also found the concept a bit weird.

Maybe the porn is his way of not owning up to feeling weirded out by it.

Yeah I guess it could be that. I accept that he might find it weird....but all the lying really hurts. The holier than thou act.
I haven't had much of a sex drive since being pregnant (at points) but I'd still satisfy him in other ways very occasionally, but he hasn't been into that cus he is getting his kicks elsewhere.

Plus the watching isnt just since I been pregnant. Just ramped up since then it seems. We had a really good sex life in the year we were trying but I was more attractive back then.

Sorry but I think delving into your husbands porn consumption is a huge invasion of privacy! If my husband went digging into what I look at online in my own free time I would be mortified and feel totally violated!

What’s your issue with him enjoying some DIY time? It’s not cheating on you. Unless it was something really controversial and objectifying (ok, most porn is objectification but you get what I mean) I really would just turn a blind eye & let him get his kicks how he chooses to. Maybe he doesn’t like the idea of sex with you whilst your pregnant, you can’t blame him for his feelings on that. Everyone is different.

I think you need to get a grip tbh. Put it down to pregnancy hormones and move on.

Like other PP I wouldn’t have an issue with the porn itself (there are loads of reasons why he might be looking at it, I highly doubt its to do with his feelings for you). I would take issue with his trying to lie his way out of it. Time for a big chat I think, focus on how it’s made you feel and try and come to a compromise on how you both handle the situation?

It's the lying though isn't it, why do they think they need to paint themselves as one thing when that clearly isn't the truth? And then you start wondering whether anything they've portrayed themselves as is actually true and that feels like a very insecure place to be, especially when you're pregnant.

It took my DH years to realise that I don't expect him to be perfect, that he doesn't have to pretend to be anything he's not and that I'm more than happy to accept a few 'faults' in him, mostly because I have plenty of my own. I think that's the first thing I'd want to tackle if I was you, why he felt he had to pretend he thought it was 'revolting' when he patently doesn't.

He has since told me he started doing it about a year ago, so pre pregnancy. I wish I hadn't let myself go so much, things like I have a really hairy chin and I don't stay on top of that. And I was a smoker and he hated it and I think I must've been repulsive to want to have sex with. Plus the weight gain pre pregnancy.
I wish I was enough to satisfy him.
All of that aside, the lies hes told and how he has tried to present himself as such a gent who finds that type of thing degrading. If he had been honest then the porn I could get over of course....but the lies make me question do I really know him. They came so easily and he was so forthright.
Thanks everyone for posting responses to me.

@Tmnmpa1 OK, so it's not OK that he lied. But he probably only lied because you're ( in my humble opinion ) totally overreacting about him watching porn. All men and a lot of women watch porn. What's the problem ? It's just a norma part of life in my opinion. I make fun of my husband for it. He's never said to me ' I watch porn ', but honestly, I expect he does and I don't have a problem with it. He also doesn't need to tell me that he watches it. I just don't care. It's his private thing - as it would be mind if I watched it etc. In my humble opinion, you're a bit high maintenance about this and that's why he lied. He knew you'd fly off the handle and not be cool with it. It doesn't excuse the lie, but it also doesn't mean he's lied about everything in his life / your relationship. Sometimes people tell white lies and it doesn't mean you can no longer trust them. Address it with him and tell him that you'd rather know the truth about stuff - even if you don't agree with it.

But watching porn is normal, natural and healthy in my opinion. It has nothing to do with you not being ' enough '. Sex in a marriage can be a bit boring sometimes and we all need a fantasy escape to spice it up again - this is natural. It doesn't mean he doesn't fancy you. I hope I have not offended you in any way, you seem very sweet- I just wanted to put another spin on it for you.

Thank you for offering perspective. I probably am high maintenance. I still feel let down etc and self esteem shot but I guess I'll have to suck it up and put my big girl pants on.

@Tmnmpa1 I honestly think you're more bothered than you usually would be because you've let yourself go. You've brought your own self esteem down. Go and wax your chin and do your hair and make up and dress nice not just for dh but for yourself. I also get facial hair due to pcos but I sort it daily. I'm also carrying extra weight but that will have to wait til babies born and I get my arse back to the gym. Go and make yourself feel beautiful again and this won't bother you half as much. Good luck x

What?? How can you possibly say "all men watch porn"? Not all men (or women) do any one thing, for heaven's sake. And no, you don't need to worry that you've "let yourself go", you don't have a duty to present yourself in any particular way, least of all to "satisfy" your husband.
Most porn is very exploitative. I'd have a problem being intimate with and trusting someone who gets off on watching people being exploited, but heck, I guess that's over-reacting?
OP I think you are entirely reasonable to be upset.

Watching porn is normal and heathly ? HEALTHY ? Fuck me I’ve heard it all now. However did we cope without 24/7 access to porn 🧐

Ha ha you ladies make me laugh. This is just a difference in opinion. I think you're all a bit uptight. Porn isn't always exploitative either, it is a lot of the time- but not always.

I think you all need a reality check, most men watch porn and if they say they don't- they're lying to you. It's an expression of sexuality.

@mummytobe2020

Considering only two of us have mentioned porm use in what you may perceive as a negative way, I’ll assume I’m one of the ladies.

I’ve absolutely no doubt most men watch it. I’ve watched it before too. To call it “healthy” and normalising it to that extent implies not watching it is wrong or weird and that’s the attitude that I find shocking. If I could chose between my 1 year old son growing up in a world with or without online porn/social media ideals etc give me without any day.

Tmmm

I've read all your posts and what I'm hearing in my head as I read, is this:-

"It's my fault. I'm pregnant. It's my fault. I don't look like a model/porn actress/sexy. It's my fault he lied/it's my fault he pretended to be someone he isn't/It's my fault he doesn't want sex/It's my fault he watches porn/I have failed"

NO IT ISN'T YOUR FAULT

NO NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT

(not shouting just trying to be clear)

Even if you looked like Shrek and swore celibacy, (which you don't and haven't) it still wouldn't be your fault.

He lied because he knows you don't like porn. Neither do I. Neither do loads of women, because it's damaging, exploitative, violent and hurts everyone involved in it. And it's now screwing up our kids. Go porn!

It is totally okay to not like it, and to not like the fact that he watches it.

Yes, clearly other women are okay with it, but if you are not, that doesn't make you uptight or hormonal. It's your boundary and there's nothing wrong with it. You are allowed to have boundaries.

You don't have to play at being a cool wife just to make him happy. You are half of this relationship and your opinion is valid.

So, stop and have a think. Without any thought about the future, ground yourself in right now and ask yourself how you actually feel.

Then when you've got your real, honest and unapologetic feelings about this out in the open (and you can do that here if you want) you can think about what to do next. 💐

Btw, didn't spot where this was posted, but if it anywhere other than relationships, ask MNHQ to move it there - there are some good women over there who've been through this.

@mummytobe2020 I completely agree with your post, well said !

@Tmnmpa1

Does your husband realise that porn is pretend sex? A lot of men do not know this and think the women are actually enjoying the sex when infact they probably thinking how much money they will make from it.

Also is he really attractive or just thinks he is? Some men are quick to criticise when they are no oil painting themselves. My other half has a fat stomach and thin horrible legs so he looks unappealing to me. Yesterday he asked for sex and quite honestly I made an excuse because I don't find him attractive anymore. I am not perfect but I always make sure I am well dressed with nice hair and nails. He hasn't bathed or changed his clothes since Friday. I am sick of asking him to bathe and change his clothes so I have given up - but if he expects me to have sex with him he can think again.

@ReadytoPop6

Are you for real? Are you a woman or a man?

Why is watching porn an issue? My ex used to do it quite regularly, he has a high sex drive and it never once came between our sex lives, watching porn is quite common and is normal and I'd much prefer being with someone who watches porn rather than cheat on me! Think your massively over reacting

Tbh I wouldn't overthink it too much. Pregnancy changes things, it doesn't mean he doesn't want to be with you.

I wouldn't snoop around, I wouldn't of confronted him either. Especially if it might embarrass him.

This isn't about the husband or the porn. It's about you needing to love and accept yourself. You don't need to be "perfect" in order for your husband to love you. There is no such thing.

My advice would be to take all of your attention away from him, but instead start caring about yourself. You are beautiful, caring, kind and considerate, aim those positive feelings at yourself and stop with the self loathing.

There is NOTHING in this world more attractive than someone who has love bubbling from inside them. We've all met these people and we can all become them.

Loving and forgiving yourself for not being " perfect" is all the more important with a baby arriving any minute.

Good luck ❤️

I'm really enjoying this thread everyone. I really like the different points of views, as I previously really didn't realise how many women hate porn so much ! I have never met or spoken to anyone who would have a problem with it.

OP, obviously I haven't enjoyed that you're upset about all this and feeling vulnerable. But what some ladies have said, is really true and I hope you find comfort in it. I also agree that if you're just anti porn, you have every right to be anti porn. Your partner shouldn't lie to you about it. Your feelings about it are valid, even if some people have a different opinion.

But don't feel down on YOURSELF because he watches it. Lots of men do and those men do love their wives and do find them sexually attractive. You have so much coming into your life soon, you're going to be a kick arse mummy ! Don't let anyone make you feel not good enough, especially not because he's watching porn.

It seems like you need your partner to make you feel loved and perhaps you should speak to him about it. I hope we've helped you a little.

@Jesaminecollins I’m a woman, what’s that got to do with anything? Anyone is allowed to masterbate if they want to. It’s hardly a crime! Don’t see what all the upset it about?

Thanks for all your messages. Since I last posted we had a conversation about my self esteem coupled with the lies about it. I'm convinced I would've been easier to accept he watches porn if he had reassured me and explained why, instead of pretended it repulsed him.
I had also been questioning why just start doing it after years of mot, and he said he has always been watching porn and walking behind my back.

For those of you who said everyone does it and it's normal etc I accept to a point. But I'm sure not everyone paints a picture of themselves that's a different person. I had no idea how good he could lie.

Re my confidence, I'm now thinking about all the times he turned down my advances. And my view is that his sex life is porn and I'm an occasional add on. When I feel an intimate relationship should be sex with occasional porn.

Whatever your views are of me in this situation, or of porn in general...I have been affected by what's happened and will struggle to get over the lies and dejection coupled together.

Apologies for typos 😬

We're moving this thread over to our Relationships topic, at the OP's request.