Husband watching porn

[Tmnmpa1]

I'm so embarrassed to be writing this but I've found out that my husband has been watching porn at times when I've been out or away on work trips.
What makes this worse is that we dont have any sex life at the minute and the whole thing has made me feel so inadequate and my self esteem is shattered.

He has always been the kind of person who comments on that type of thing as if it's disgusting and pathetic...and presented himself as just having a low sex drive at the minute. Truth is he hasn't had a low sex drive, he just doesn't want me.

I never thought I was in any way stunning before, or that I am more attractive than anybody, but I didn't think I was that bad looking. Now I cant even look at myself in the mirror.

I actually dont think I know him anymore, as this seems so out of character from the person he has presented for the past 12 years. In fact last night when I first confronted him he said things like 'dont be daft', 'I'd never do that' and he basically made me feel like I was overreacting. Then this morning I did some more digging and found out just how often hes been watching and when.

I'm also 31 weeks pregnant but please dont say I'm being hormonal, there is an element of that, but that doesn't stop me feeling devastated that I'm not enough to satisfy him.

Can't seriously believe people asking about why men lie about using porn. The answers are on this page!

Ah, I'm married to one of those too OP, not that interested etc, etc, yet find out its been around 5 times a week . My kick arse server found that out when I bothered to check it. As you say it's not just the behaviour, it's the pretending to be something you aren't, in my Hs case making fun of blokes who buy the Star for the tits etc-. To the person who says you no one who would be bothered I suspect you are under35 and probably still looking pretty ok, I can assure you that out my 5 over 40 friends, only 1 is pretty cool about it and the rest of us start to feel it's really off and makes us feel like shit yep we've all seen it, even very occasionally watched it, but we don't feel the need to be watching it multiple times a week . What a bloody sad world it is when you are made to feel that you need to lighten up simply because you aren't ok with this in your marriage, I think it's fine if both people ARE ok with it, but this isn't always the case . I don't see people saying the same about excess alcohol or weed or gambling that we should just say 'hey Hun, all men do it, just relax' . This isn't about masturbating by the way, it's about this online habit which I think with many blokes in particular is 'getting out of hand' and being normalised. Yes, I know some women enjoy it too, but it doesn't seem so common.

Please don’t apologise for being ‘high maintenance’ or for ‘letting yourself go’ (wtf?!)
You’re pregnant ffs. You’re not obliged to keep up an exhausting level of self care and grooming just so that your husband still wants to fuck you.
You found out that your husband lied about having a low sex drive and is choosing to wank to porn over having sex with you.
Nothing wrong with feeling slighted or lied to. Your reaction is valid and just because it’s not the same as everyone else’s doesn’t mean you are wrong. Sending hugs, you must feel hurt and betrayed. And of course it will affect your self esteem.

@user1479305498 it was me who said I didn't know anyone. And yes you're right I am under 35, not far under though. As for looking OK, I'm not sure about that 😂

I very much appreciate your perspective that feelings on this subject can change as one gets older. I definitely don't love myself though and I'm aware the girls in the porn and generally girls/ women my husband might find attractive are waaay 'more' attractive than I am. But it's different, it's a fantasy I suppose. I also have fantasies etc. So I just thought that was normal and healthy. But I'll say it again, I really appreciate your point of view. I suppose I don't really know in this relationship how it feels to not be desired sexually. I've experienced it before and it was horrible. But in my marriage it's the other way around.

I will keep all this in mind when thinking about my husband watching porn. But I don't even want to know about it/ talk about it to him to be honest. It's his private thing. But I can definitely see everyone's point of view on here. Thanks ladies.

No problem mummytobe — good luck with the baby too!! (I’m presuming that’s why it’s your user name) lol!! I’m actually 57 now and the reason I try to offer another opinion and mention it can be an age attitude (although not always) is that I too was that ‘cool girl’ for many years. However as I’ve got older and whilst still reasonable looking , my feelings have changed about it especially when your H is 50 plus and you’ve been married over 20 years. . It somehow starts to feel pretty seedy when it’s all in secret and being lied about (not actively lying , as I haven’t confronted but pretended in general conversation that it’s not something they do very often at all) and to be honest it now gives me the creeps. As I did say, if both people are fine with it then live and let live, but it is so often not the case and you often then end up in many cases with Hs that get death grip or weird porny habits , unrealistic expectations or in some cases are no
Longer interested in their wives(not the case in my situation, more that I’m not interested that way as much as I should be because of this secretive habit)

Not everyone does it OP. If you don't like it you don't have to.

These are not my words but this person said it much better than I can:

, unparalleled access to porn is ruining relationships left right and centre. The sheer amount and variety is ruining some men's ability to get turned on by one samey old partner, however gorgeous she is. It could be happening to you.

Exploitation aside, so many women feel porn is a betrayal within a relationship. Because viewing other women's naked breasts, arses and vaginas is not forsaking all others, is it?

Marriage vows were written before the advent even of photography. They don't cover this issue because the technology didn't exist. If they were written today they would probably take into account this new ability to access explicit imagery of other people's private parts so easily. Private being the operative word. No, chaps, you are in principle actually not supposed to be looking at any other women's vagina if you are in a monogamous relationship. That is how many women feel about it and their feelings are valid. Except because it's not written into the contract, you've all been working very hard to persuade women that you are entitled to so long as you look but don't touch.

So it's fine because you're not touching these women hence porn isn't cheating? Okay, then strip clubs and web cams, sexting and paying someone to come over and gyrate in your bedroom naked is all fine too. There's no logical difference between these things and the filmed version. Equally, men should be fine with their wife sending pics of her vag to their best mate or earning money on web cams or whatever. No touching there either, is there? Funnily enough, I don't suppose they're massively keen on that idea.

It's a massive gaslight of women to say their feelings of betrayal are misplaced prudishness or insecurity. It's not insecurity, it's the traditional principle of other people's private parts being off limits if you're in a monogamous relationship - touch and sight. A principle which has been trampled over in a massive stampede ever since the advent of the camera.

This is my dilemma too! Dp watches porn but doesn’t have sex with me.

He said it’s me being pregnant which weird him out which I can understand but I do still want to be intimate with him even if it’s not having sex.

My dp lies about it too but I think he’s trying to spare my feelings as he has needs and to be fair I do too so I also watch it occasionally.

Try not to kept it too personally. I’m sure he still loves you dearly and is very attracted to you but just doesn’t fancy having sex whilst you are pregnant, like my dp.

He also might think he is shit in bed. My dp thinks he is which is another reason why I think he shys away from intimacy.

Hope you’re okay and here’s a hug

I'm pretty amazed so many women don't have a problem with porn. It isn't just watching naked people having sex, it is abuse and vicious brutality of women to a degree that is unspeakable. Breasts stamped on, women's heads flushed down toilets, garbage chucked over them, penetrated with nettles...the evil of it goes and on. Many of these women are trafficked...you have no way of knowing if you are watching filmed rape and abuse. Please do not support porn or put it out there that's it is healthy and harmless. Women last three months on average in this industry for a reason. Many, many men do not watch this.

Another downside to porn is the one I encountered in a recent relationship, He hadn't had much experience with real women, so took all his ideas of how sex should be, from porn.

When we had sex he'd comment on how I should be shaved, how I should be flexible, how sex should mirror what he'd seen on the films. He genuinely never considered that it wasn't particularly orientated towards people feeling loved and wanted and desired. And foreplay was non-existant (they don't do foreplay in porn, unless it's a woman sucking a man off).

I'm utterly fed up with the thought that so many boys are growing up thinking that women enjoy sex like this because of what they see.

It's extremely damaging to young people. Boys and girls. And it's destroying relationships. Yes some men only watch 'vanilla' porn and manage to still have a healthy sex life without it impacting their relationships or attitudes to women. But that still doesn't mean women have to accept it in their relationships. Imagine wedding vows being 'forsaking all others (except of course ll the limitless and varied vaginas and breasts you can possibly look at online)' we need to stop feeding the lie that all men do it so it's OK.

@Heartburn888 your husband's porn habit is probably WHY he thinks he's no good in bed.

@FadingStar

Good grief what porn have you been watching??!

I don't watch porn. I would never ever lower myself or do that to women. But I have spoken to survivors from the industry through my work as well as women who work with them, and with campaigners. Producers of porn themselves say that the filmed abuse people are watching should be made illegal. It is a sickening, awful, exploitative industry in every way.

I do think overexposure to porn makes men
shit lovers, that awful scratchcard clit rubbing and spitting on genitals (mmm classy) springs to mind.

The problem is that extreme behaviours such as slapping spitting and choking are now in the what is seen in the vanilla category. I personally find that quite frightening, and sad for today's young people.

I don't think anyone should be bashing OP, she has been missold in this marriage as her husband has completely misrepresented himself. Porn is an issue when one party's needs are being neglected in favour of it, and I do think both parties need to be honest regarding their boundaries from the start.

Please don't blame yourself op x

*are now what is seen in the vanilla category

Hi OP,

I hope you are okay. This sort of thing can be a horrible shock on lots of levels.

Obviously your OH lying about who he is is probably the worst right now.

But also, recalibration your feelings about porn, having to think about whether you are or aren't okay with it.

And all of this is taking place at a time when you are vulnerable, emotional and hormonal because you are growing a new human being.

I'm so sorry, because I imagine your feelings must be turned upside down.

Just take care of yourself; be kind and go easy on yourself and remember that this discovery, and this thread, doesn't mean that you have to know what you want to do, or how you should feel.

Give yourself time and space to work it out. We're here for you so there's no rush.

Before there was internet porn men would buy magazines and watch films. My cousin who is 4 years older than me was at uni in Nottingham and he ran the porn club - he had a cupboard full of magazines which he shared with his mates. After he finished uni he told me and my then boyfriend he needed to get rid of the magazines because his Mother my Aunt wouldn't allow them in her house. So we drove to Nottingham to help him dispose of them. Well - I have never seen so much material in one cupboard there was 100s of mags and I thought what are we going to do with them? I suggested we found some waste land made a bonfire and set fire to them. Before we did we spent a couple of hours reading some of them. I have never laughed so much in all my life (I was 17 at the time) The reader's wives section where men send in so called sexy pics of their wives - lets say some of the women were a bit rough looking and overweight. I said to my boyfriend and cousin - Do these men actually think these pictures are sexy? and they said we have thought the same perhaps older men find these kind of images attractive and we are younger so they look like pictures of grannies to us. Anyway we loaded up the car with bin bags and took them to the tip - my cousin kept moaning about what a waste as he had spend £100s on them. My Aunt never found out about his secret stash because she would not have been very happy at all.

Some men like porn some don't but all men masturbate and it is all perfectly normal except when it interferes in a normal sexual relationship with your partner.

Why he lied to you is something he will have to explain himself.
But have you thought now that you’ve lost your sex drive he doesn’t want the hand jobs and blow jobs you give him just to make him happy.
If heavily pregnant DW said she’s too tired for sex but she’d give me bj instead I’d politely tell he not to worry.
It wouldn’t be because I don’t find her attractive, but would be because I don’t want my heavily pregnant DW to also worry about my needs too.

You can't really compare magazines wih what is available online today.

@SignedUpJust4This

I know I am on other sites and have been sent pictures of men's bits and women's bits (no idea why) - and these are just ordinary women's sites like cosmopolitan - don't post there now to many weido's on there.

I am grateful to everyone who's taken the time to read and reply. It means a lot to even be able to get this off my chest. He seems to be ashamed and embarrassed that I know. He also feels terrible about the hurt I feel and the lies he told....so hes no longer trying to diminish how I feel by making statements like "all men do it" ....."at least I haven't cheated".

However, I dont know how to 'be' around him after all the lies. He says hes never going to watch porn again but that's a misplaced and throwaway statement. I dont expect him to change a habit of a lifetime just cus he got caught......becuse it's what he prefers and ultimately I'm not even sure it's possible.

I'm so worried about what all this new found anxiety is doing to my poor baby. Having him in my belly is the best thing that's ever happened to me and I want to enjoy the last weeks of my pregnancy properly. I'm not going to prioritise making my husband feel better, nor am I going to try and figure out what got me to this point. Instead I'm focussing on my wee baby. Whatever will be will be with my husband over time.

@Tmnmpa1

Not all men do it but some get into a habit of watching porn. I used to know a man who would view porn at work which is wrong because he eventually got found out when there were loads of viruses and the company had to bring someone in to sort it out. He was a bit of a pervert and I am glad his wife found out what he was up to and she left him.