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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Almost Affair

26 replies

SevilleorBust · 11/09/2019 21:44

Asking for opinions.

Married 18 years. I would have said happily, inasmuch as no unhappiness brought to your attention.

Two children, 13 and 11 ( 11 year old just starting secondary).

I found incriminating text messages to a work colleague. Once confronted, DH confessed that if that work colleague had said yes, he would have cheated. (She turned him down).

What would you do?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 11/09/2019 21:47

What would you do?

Throwing his arse out of the house before I kill him comes to mind.

GinAndBubbles · 11/09/2019 21:50

Urgh, that’s shit, I’m really sorry.

How do you feel? I imagine angry, sad, confused but what does your gut tell you?

When you asked him about it, did he show remorse, say it was a mistake etc?

I can’t say what I’d do, I personally feel cheating (and similar) are never black and white situations, so would want to understand it before making any rash decisions. That being said, trust is fundamental to a meaningful relationship.

Sending a big hug!

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 11/09/2019 21:53

And he's still there?

RJoneszy · 11/09/2019 21:55

Well the intention was there.

Takeitonthechin · 11/09/2019 21:58

Get rid, he obviously has lost all respect for you... what a pathetic excuse of a man!

c3pu · 11/09/2019 22:00

I dont mean to spread gloom, but he's only admitted to this because you found out about it.

How many more affairs has he successfully kept secret? Probably a few I'd say.

AnyFucker · 11/09/2019 22:00

I would treat him as if he had had a full sexual affair

He wants out, quite obviously. Sling him out.

FeeFee832 · 11/09/2019 23:51

Well it's pretty good he was honest and said he would have?

How does he feel? Sounds like you need a holiday alone together and to spice things up.

MMmomDD · 11/09/2019 23:51

It’s always easy to say - leave him.
But then there are all those threads saying - ‘I always thought i’d leave but now that it’s happened to me I don’t want to’....
OP - only you can decide. And it of course depends on what you two want to do; how it feels; whether you both can and want to work on the relationship together.
Have you thought about couples’s counselling? If you decide to work it out - it can be a way to get you both talking to understand what lead to it and how not to get there again...
If you are a reading type - there is a great book by an woman who counsels couples - E.Perel The State of Affairs...
It has a chapter on why people in happy marriages cheat. Gives a lot of food for thought.

FeeFee832 · 11/09/2019 23:51

And sorry to hear OP. That's really shit for you. SadWine

SherbetSaucer · 11/09/2019 23:54

What would you do?

Throwing his arse out of the house before I kill him comes to mind

THIS!!! Or at the very least making him seriously sweat for a while.

Walnutwhipster · 12/09/2019 00:11

How does he feel? Sounds like you need a holiday alone together and to spice things up.
Seriously?

Winterlife · 12/09/2019 00:16

What do you want to do?

managedmis · 12/09/2019 00:29

Er, what'd I do?

Let me think...

Is the house in your name?
Financially, are you OK alone?
Do you work? Or have income independent of him?

CarolDanvers · 12/09/2019 00:54

How does he feel? Sounds like you need a holiday alone together and to spice things up.

Eh?!

Oh you're joking.

Please be joking 😩

AlexaAmbidextra · 12/09/2019 01:19

Well it's pretty good he was honest and said he would have? How does he feel? Sounds like you need a holiday alone together and to spice things up.

Dear lord. I swear some people live in their own little fairy tale. 🙄

MsDogLady · 12/09/2019 01:27

His plan was to cheat. He has made a fool of you, and the woman likely pities you. I would have already shown him the door.

EKGEMS · 12/09/2019 01:29

Feelfree832 Feel free to stop giving your moronic advice

LellyMcKelly · 12/09/2019 01:35

If by ‘spice things up’ you mean chuck a couple to tablespoons of Schwartz finest extra hot chilli powder into his knicker drawer then I’m with you. If not, I’d tell him to fuck the fuck off, and then when he’s fucked off there I’d tell him to fuck off further away. I’d ask him to leave for a few weeks at least while you process the information, and decide what you want to do. Take control and keep your power. What happens now is your choice.

WhenPushComesToShove · 12/09/2019 01:45

To be topical, don't be anybody's backstop! You're nobody's second choice - are you? If you are having trouble seeing this clearly, just reverse positions with your husband and ask yourself how he'd feel if you told him what he told you. He needs to understand how he's made you feel and be feeling total remorse as a very basic starting point to any kind of reconnection between you and be extremely grateful if you do decide to try to move forward. I'd recommend joint counselling if that should arise.

1forAll74 · 12/09/2019 04:55

It's so bad really, but very very common. These kind of situations are happening all over the place. I have worked in a few places in my life, and seen many a person go astray. as in a near affair,or a full affair,or just a few outings to some hotel somewhere. I would never have divulged to anyone what I noticed what was going on, as not my business, and would have hoped that the people could work their own lives out.

I think it's always going to happen somewhere,as some men,and some women,will always get their heads turned by the opposite sex, despite their so called high morals.

I know someone who lives near to me. a well heeled lady, a husband.2 children, a lovely home, everything that people would consider superb, but there she is, two days a week, hopping off to a younger guy, The husband knows nothing about this. and she is a popular person here, and goes to church every sunday ha ha,

Original poster
SevilleorBust · 14/09/2019 22:40

Thanks for all the replies.

I've booked an initial appointment with a solicitor for this Monday, to find out where I stand with respect to finances.

I am really scared about asking him to leave, more for my children's financial security than anything else. I was a SAHM (mutual decision, and which I loved) until 5 years ago. I then trained to become a TA, which is more "pocket money" as the pay is so low, and being around to manage school holidays, rather than a significant contribution to the household income.

I don't have a massive pension, nor any qualifications that would lead to me earning a large amount of money. I am seriously thinking of doing a uni degree part time, bout of course, will need to investigate how to obtain a loan. I am so very ashamed that I have left myself in this financial position.

I guess I really want to know is if, even though all my love, like and respect for my DH has gone, for my children's (and my) financial security, should I just stay with him?

OP posts:
Divebar · 14/09/2019 23:05

It’s entirely up to you. I know that SAHM always feel got at but this is absolutely the reason why I feel nervous on their behalf.... it means you’re so much more restricted in these scenarios. I would say that you need to be realistic about how much you would need to be earning in order to support yourself. Does your DH earn enough to afford two households? You certainly don’t need to kick him out immediately- you can stay in order to get yourself into a better financial position or because the pair of you want to make a go of it. There’s no shame in doing that. Women shouldn’t be embarrassed if they decide to try again A there is no obligation to split up just because a load of strangers on the internet think it’s what they’d do. They are not living your life.

Opentooffers · 15/09/2019 00:49

I'd say it's only worth staying if you are both willing to work out what was wrong and if it could be made better to the point where he wouldn't want to stray. Do either of you feel like you could rekindle anything or is it dead? Otherwise you will both likely be happier in future co-parenting. Happy parents make happier kids whether that's together or apart, so bad idea to stay together 'just for the kids'.

Original poster
SevilleorBust · 15/09/2019 21:55

I haven't asked for counselling at this stage, as I really couldn't be arsed to hear about all the things I have done wrong to lead him to another woman.

My self esteem and confidence is at an all time low.

I worry more about my financial security than anything else, which is probably indicative of where my real concern lies.

However, as he is still in the house, all is very civil, and I don't want the kids to think anything is amiss, should I attempt counselling?

OP posts:
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