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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable?

35 replies

Bonkersbird · 09/08/2007 13:25

I don't normally post just lurk but needed a bit of advice so am biting the bullet so to speak!

I have been with DP for 18months now, no children and generally very happy.

He as been split from his EW for 5 years, was amicable split and now divorced for a year (he felt that he should do it properly as he was in a serious relationship with me).

I don't have a problem with him being in contact with his EW so to speak, just a little annoyed that he's not upfront about it. I asked him the other day if he had heard from her and said that actually he had called her earlier in the week for a general chat.

Problem I have is that he frowns on any contact I have with any of my ex's (admittedly I never initiate (sp)the contact which is normally a random text every 6 months or so) his reasoning is why would I want to have contact with them when they treated me so badly and I always tell him if they get in touch.

I don't think I have any worries about him going back there (famous last words!) just feel it's one rule for him another for me.

Any ideas how I should go about this or am I being a doughnut!

OP posts:
hurtwife · 09/08/2007 14:43

Is there any reason to keep in contact? Children involved? How long were they together?

Is she in a new relationship now?

Lots of questions i know but some more info may be of use

Original poster
Bonkersbird · 09/08/2007 14:52

Thanks for replying...no children and they were together for 7years married for 6 of them. Marriage broke down due to lack of communication and other issues. No one else involved.

He is generally a closed person but he does get quite defensive about EW. For example, he wanted to send birthday card to her, I said thats fine so long as my name goes on the card too...he didn't understand why I wanted my name on it. My thought was that we are partners and all cards etc are signed from both of us regardless who they're for IYSWIM.

She was in a relationship up until last Octoberish.

Thanks

OP posts:
maisemor · 09/08/2007 15:02

It does indeed sound as if there is one set of rules for his majesty and a completly different set of rules for you.

I would ask him why your name can not go on the card. That sounds very odd to me. My husband and I "share" our friends if that makes any sense.

Dropdeadfred · 09/08/2007 15:05

But are you his exwife's friend now?

I wouldn't expect my name on a card to someone i wasn't a friend to or family member of really. Just me i guess.

Baffy · 09/08/2007 15:06

Why is it one rule for him and another for you with regard to ex's?!

I think I'd feel uncomfortable with it if I were you. And by the fact that you are not happy with it he should take your feelings into account.

He doesn't like you having contact with your ex's. Doesn't matter if they treated you badly or not. If he doesn't like it, then he shouldn't do it to you! IMO!

Wish I had a solution though!

(And FWIW I think he should have put both of your names on the card! You may not know her. But you are his partner and IMO you always put both names on the card. - Although there are many on here that will disagree with me on that! )

Original poster
Bonkersbird · 09/08/2007 15:28

Thanks for replies...

No I am not friends with the EW, I have offered to welcome her in our life if he feels it's necessary but he doesn't think it's appropriate! I know that may sound strange but in previous relationships I have made an effort to get to know the ex purely as there were children involved.

He is generally very good at listening to my POV and understanding where I'm coming from but it always seems like a sore point when it is the EW.

We had been living together for 5 months when I asked if the photo of them two on a motorbike could be removed from the living room! I thought I had been quite accommodating about it but he was quite sharp in response.

My name did go on the card as I wrote it! He got to personally post it. We had the same argument at Christmas. He asked if I would be ok if he sent her a box of chocs and a card and I said it'd be ok if my name was on it...he flipped and din't bother!

Hmmmm I dunno!

OP posts:
Baffy · 09/08/2007 15:34

Living together for 5 months before you had to ask him to take the photo down!

I think he has some serious rose tinted specs where she is concerned.

I think he needs to start putting you and your feelings first tbh.

Dropdeadfred · 09/08/2007 15:37

This woman was his wife...perhaps he has moved on but still cares for her enough to remember bdays, christmas etc

Perhaps he feels that it seems like rubbing it in that he has a new partner and she doesn't by putting your name on cards etc too?

Original poster
Bonkersbird · 09/08/2007 15:42

Baffy...thanks I thought I was bonkers for feeling worried about removing the photo!

Dropdeadfred...He has acknowledged to her that it would be nice to be friends with her but that it'd be awkward. She did send a xmas card to him and partner as did her parents so don't think him having a partner is the issue.

He is a caring supportive bloke (most of the time) yet he does comment the she had to put up with a lot more than I do (he was just starting up his own business when they got together) but he knows I won't take any crap and I stand up to him more than what she ever did.

OP posts:
Baffy · 09/08/2007 15:47

My parents are divorced and both re-married.

They all get on fairly well for my sake. But they would never all be 'friends' as I agree, it just wouldn't work and would be awkward for all involved.

But for special occasions, my birthday, grandson's birthday etc we all get together and everything is fine.

And I know that in one way my mum and dad do still 'love' each other. Hence they still send each other Christmas/Birthday cards etc...

But they both fully accept that they are apart and have moved on and have new lives with new partners. And the new partners are always on the cards and on the gift tags on presents. As they should be.

hurtwife · 09/08/2007 15:47

Does seem a bit odd to me too. Do you think there is anything to worry about really?

This may sound a bit odd but my h is still in contact with the mother of his ex and that is 22 years ago. We send xmas cards and keep up with news ect. It was a bit odd at first but as the years have gone by it is ok - i have also met his ex and there have never been any problems.

Is is one of those things that you can just let go?

Baffy · 09/08/2007 15:50

I will shut up now!

I really hope you can sort this out. I hope maybe after this thread you will have a bit more confidence to have a really good talk to him about it all. Difficult situation I know

flightattendant · 09/08/2007 15:55

I felt similar when I was with my ex-p after he left his wife. He would go and see her, go for walks together, I mean yes, they had children but it really did seem like he was still 'with' her in a sense. He left me for someone else soon after, just goes to show that what goes around etc...

But if you and he are happy generally, I wouldn't think there is anything to worry about...do you think he knows how you feel about it? I expect there is a lingering attachment, which is natural - we all have friends outside our most intimate partnerships, and don't always feel able to share every part of those friendships with our DP's.

Original poster
Bonkersbird · 09/08/2007 15:55

I could let go if he actually told me he had called her off his own back rather than me asking if he had heard off her! It's the secretive side to it that I don't like.

My ex texted me last week and put money in my account which I told my DP without hesitation...he didn'y look impressed that he had been in touch but I wanted it to be in th open rather than a shady little secret if that makes sense.

I know in my previoius relationships, I did like the contact with ex's to see how they were getting on etc but with this DP I have no interest in their lives at all.

I know men are different and see things in a different light but I do believe it should be equal!

Baffy...children involved in your situation ie you. as previously posted I maintained a good relationship with my ex SC to this day and she's 19 and pregnant. Thats another issue...she wanted me as her birthing partner but DP said no as her dad (my ex) would be there. He has now booked us on a hol the week the baby is due!

OP posts:
flightattendant · 09/08/2007 15:57

ps if your ex's weren't very good to you, perhaps that is what concerns him most - he will feel very angry with them on your behalf and want to prevent them getting anything they want from you - even simple contact.

Original poster
Bonkersbird · 09/08/2007 16:02

Baffy...no need to shut up...I would like views on this!

Flight attendant...generally we are happy and don't really have any other issues. I'm not saying I don't want him to have a friendship with her, I'd just like to know when they're in touch.

When we first got together he was seeing a married woman for around 2 years and he told me they had finished 6 months before they actually had amongst other things so he knows I have an issue about knowing things upfront and being honest.

Being a bloke he can't understand why I don't leave that argument in the past, he feels it should be dead and buried!

OP posts:
Original poster
Bonkersbird · 09/08/2007 16:04

And yes...the ex's were absolute twunts to me but I still fought to salvage the wrecks!!

OP posts:
flightattendant · 09/08/2007 16:04

Sorry I glossed over the '5 years apart' bit, that is too long imo to be still so attached...I'd be fed up about it too in that case.

There is obviously a part of him that still belongs to her and that means you don't have him 100%. A bit unsatisfactory, really.

I'd be concerned.

Original poster
Bonkersbird · 09/08/2007 16:06

Thats what worries me...that I am not thought of or trusted like the EW.

He does put her on a pedestal at times and I have to tell him that I'm his partner now and she is his past..leave it where it should be...like you always tell me to!

OP posts:
flightattendant · 09/08/2007 16:06

So he lied about another relationship? I wonder why? Not too confident with the honesty factor here...he has issues I think, imo these things are crucial...but then I'm a single mum with a disastrous history so don't listen to me

hurtwife · 09/08/2007 16:09

I completly understand about the up front bit and do think men see it differently.

Booking a holiday so you cant be a birthing partner - thats a bit much surely.

They say that those who fear cheating the most are the ones likely to do it. You know he is capable is that a problem?

Do you get the feel that the EW wants some revenge (not against you as such but to prove something to herself - that she can still pull the strings?) Not knowing the reason for the split is is likely that she would do something like this?

Original poster
Bonkersbird · 09/08/2007 16:10

Lol, the other relationship I knew about but he failed to tell me that he finished it with her once he knew we were getting together. He said they had been finished for 6 months and saw each other as friends for coffee now again. Silly bugger left his diary about and I looked at it to check he was free for weekend away. I looked to see if there was any romantic note about the time we met to be confronted with dinner dates and meeting crossed out that had been arranged with ex woman!

But like he says...I should leave it in the past eh

OP posts:
hurtwife · 09/08/2007 16:12

If she just split in october and he still does have feeling for her, could they be rekindled? Are you worried about that?

hellobello · 09/08/2007 16:14

It's really tough when someone has an ex looming large in the background. Dh split up from his EW when their children were teenagers, and dh spent a lot of time and our resourses paying for their cars and tellies and god knows what else because he felt guilty.

If your partner has kids or a house, then there may be reasons he needs to keep in touch. If he's just in touch because he likes her, then perhaps, as you put it, you're being a doughnut, especially if it's regular contact.

Original poster
Bonkersbird · 09/08/2007 16:15

He stresses that he never cheated on EW even though there were problems and they did go to Relate and I do believe him.

Since I have been with him, the married lady still texts on occasions which he normally tells me about but he never responds. I know he doesn't because I got so mad once that I texted her to bog off back to her husband and kids so she has my number and would no doubt delight in telling me if DP contacted her!

Not sure whether week away was deliberate or just coincidence (I have a supsicious mind when there is a negative vibe about things!)

I am quite sure that EW is not vindicive like that, think she's probably a nice person to be fair and it's him that contacted her not the other way around

OP posts:
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