Am I being unreasonable?

[Bonkersbird]

I don't normally post just lurk but needed a bit of advice so am biting the bullet so to speak!

I have been with DP for 18months now, no children and generally very happy.

He as been split from his EW for 5 years, was amicable split and now divorced for a year (he felt that he should do it properly as he was in a serious relationship with me).

I don't have a problem with him being in contact with his EW so to speak, just a little annoyed that he's not upfront about it. I asked him the other day if he had heard from her and said that actually he had called her earlier in the week for a general chat.

Problem I have is that he frowns on any contact I have with any of my ex's (admittedly I never initiate (sp)the contact which is normally a random text every 6 months or so) his reasoning is why would I want to have contact with them when they treated me so badly and I always tell him if they get in touch.

I don't think I have any worries about him going back there (famous last words!) just feel it's one rule for him another for me.

Any ideas how I should go about this or am I being a doughnut!

Thats the trouble with leaving unfinished bussiness in the past though, if it is not resolved then it comes back to haunt you later. You need to get this all out now before it festers away only to rear its ugly head later (when more silly lies are discovered - bloody men!!) That is any silly lies not cheating ones you understand.

And if you should leave it in the past then so should his wife be left in the past - or at least like you say he should tell you he is calling her.

Lol I guess I am a bit of a doughnut!

We talked a couple of weeks ago about holidays and he said that when he went away with EW (on several occasions abroad)he was ill as it was too hot or something or other, that he felt sorry for her as when they came back from one trip he was off to LA for 4 days with mates and he was better for that. He said yes he was sorry it didn't work out but there's no way he could go back as things are very different now. I asked what he meant and he said he never had the relationship with EW that he has with me as in he was never tactile with her as didn't feel confident about himself yet he is totally different with me. That he learned a lot of things needed to change on his side to make a relationship work.

Not sure if any of that makes any sense!?

This thread has moved on so fast since I started writing that post. BB, why are you with this man, if he's lied to you and he still sees his ex? He doesn't want you to have a relationship with your SC because your Ex p might be there? Is that a bit controlling or what?

Have you been in this kind of relationship before? I'm just wondering if you often have quite complicated relationships? Sorry if I'm asking personal questions.

I think I was shocked that he said he had called her earlier in the week so didn't get what I wamnted to say off my chest.

I know I need to have a discussion with him about it but somehow it always becomes an issue as he gets defensive about her. Also, how do I raise it again?

He's been away working this week and we're off on hols with friends so not a good time really right now

I am with him as I love him to bits and 9 times out of 10 he is the perfect man. He would be controlling in certain ways if I were to allow him but I don't.

He thinks it is cut and dry with my ex's..they were twunts so why would you want to keep in touch with them is his view.

Unfortunately the ex's daughter was 8 when I met her dad and she has always been a part of my life since (although I did try and pull away but her and her brothers and mother were having none of it!!) The daughter comes around our house and DP is fine with that as he doesn't see her as one of my ex's children just a friend...compartmentalises (sp)

All of my relationships have been complicated in different ways. This is my first relationship since the age of 17 where there have been no children!! Thought it was supposed to be easier!!

Ah but that is just it - when will the time be right to discuss this - it is a problem as it is upsetting you and he should be able to understand that. It really does not matter what anyone else thinks if you find it strange then he should respect that and together you need to find a solution.

You sound as if you are putting up with him and his ways but it is not making you feel good.

Are you worried that now that he has learnt so much he wishes he could in some way go back to ew.

I think it's time you took another look at this thread, especially at some of the things you have written. You are making excuse after excuse for your partner. Nothing is going to change if you carry on like this. He will keep on lying to you. He will keep on seeing his ex and anyone elses he feels like. He will become more controlling about your access to your SC. You are not making things any easier for yourself.

I know it seems like I'm making excuses but I'm not...honest!

If I ask him if he has heard from her he will tell me, he doesn't volunteer the info which is what does my nut in...he doesn't actually see her...the last time he did it was to drop wedding cert and wedding album back at the beginning of the year.

He will not be controlling of SC, he knows they are a big part of my life still and always will be to be fair.

We do discuss things and normally it gets resolved, just that this is a sore subject.

I am not putting up with him by any stretch of the imagination...I am at times a very insecure person due to past relationships and he has a lot to put up with me so I guess it's a bit of a compromise.

I do think that he feels guilty that she was there for all the crap times when business was getting started and she didn't get to reap the benefits but I do point out to him that they didn't exactly have a crap life together.

Oh I don't know!

Won't be online for a week or so now but thanks for the replies and I'll update when I get back

Well after a week away and lots of talking, everything has been sorted. The opportunity arose for me to bring up the subject and he said he misses the friendship they had. I said thats fine so long as he respects me by letting me know he or she has been in contact. I said it was worse not knowing or wondering if any contact has taken place or not.

He did see where I was coming from when I reminded him of what I asked when we first got together (that I want to know no matter how it may affect me)

Thanks to all for your advice, it was much appreciated.