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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can't and won't move on from my ex

49 replies

Weenabix · 11/09/2019 13:58

I've posted loads on here over last 4 years, under various names. I was in what I believed to be an emotionally abusive marriage so I ended it 2 years ago. We're now divorced and I've seen other people since. We have 2 young dc.

But I just cannot move on. I'm not sure that I'm still in love with him exactly but I care very much about him, I still want him to be a part of my life, and I would love for our family to be back together. I've had a 9 month relationship in the last year, half of that time I spent wishing I was with my ex. I went on a trip recently with the guy I've been seeing and ended up in hospital - the only person I wanted with me was my ex. Sometimes I wonder if the world were ending or if I were dying what I would do, and the answer is always spend those last hours with him and our kids.

I don't miss him day to day, and I'd certainly never live with him again. It was very difficult being married to him. We've tried to maintain a friendship but he's very up and down and often says he still loves me and has big regrets about how he was. But I'm very aware that he hasn't changed as a person. Nothing would be different. So I'm stuck in limbo. My sister's advice was to block all contact except regarding our dc but I won't do that. She suggested not having him in the house but I won't do that either. I don't know what to do Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Weenabix · 11/09/2019 14:03

Forgot to say, I have just started counselling.

OP posts:
MzHz · 11/09/2019 14:05

Your sister is right

This man is toxic, and he’s poisoned you

Get every kind of help and therapy to exorcise this man from your life

You deserve better than this

Never let this man into your home again

Come on! You can and must do this

Been there, done it. It’s hard but your life WILL be better if you allow yourself to be free

MzHz · 11/09/2019 14:07

I did group therapy once a week, (free thankfully), paid therapy once a week AND the freedom programme all at the same time, different days of course :)

Only with this level of effort can you get free.

Original poster
Weenabix · 11/09/2019 14:11

You don't think it's possible that he regrets his past actions? Or that we can somehow maintain a friendship or even relationship in the future?

How did you access the group therapy? I do think the freedom programme is a good idea, even if just to reprogramme my thinking.

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Karkasaurus · 11/09/2019 14:24

I don't know the back story on this, OP. But sometimes, we have big loves of our lives that are hard to forget. But it isn't possible to go back in time, as much as we might wish it was. Sometimes, things become incompatible and it's a healthy loving choice for ourselves to end it.

If he's the father of your children, it's important to maintain some connection with him. But you need to start looking at where you are now and focusing on yourself rather than wishing for things to be like they were. You can never go back. But who knows where you'll be in a year or two if you keep going?

Original poster
Weenabix · 11/09/2019 14:29

Gemma that article was eye opening!
I know I can never go back. In fact I would never choose to go back to how things were. I'm just stuck in a place of wishing that things could be different, and hoping that things might be one day.

God I know how pathetic that sounds Blush

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tribpot · 11/09/2019 14:43

He's emotionally abusive, which means you've been trained to crave his affection and his approval, with him withholding these as a means to punish you.

You can't go cold turkey because of the kids but you're behaving like an alcoholic who not only works in a bar but insists on pouring drinks 'for old times' sake' and then leaving them un-drunk.

Of course you're not moving on. You won't take the simple measures your sister suggested to protect yourself. You want to stay close enough to that glass of booze 'just in case'.

Keep going with your counselling and have a look at the Freedom Programme as well. 'Just' reprogramming your thinking is the key to your recovery I think - and you need as much distance as possible from him in order to achieve that.

Pinkbonbon · 11/09/2019 15:00

Sounds like a mixture of wistfullness and lonelynes.

My first partner was selfish AF and low key abusive. I actually got in touch with him again briefly a few years back and realised he hadn't changed a bit (within a few conversations he was already trying to triangulate me with the woman he had being seeing after me). Sad really. But allowed me the confirmation that it wasn't a youth thing, because he was still the same all those years later - never happy with anything or anyone.

Lately I've been thinking of him a lot again though! I wouldn't get in touch again but I'm glad he isn't around because I'd be worried I might have a moment of weakness. You would be wise to limit contact as much as possible. Less chance of getting sucked in and hurt again that way.

Original poster
Weenabix · 11/09/2019 17:07

you're behaving like an alcoholic who not only works in a bar but insists on pouring drinks 'for old times' sake' and then leaving them un-drunk

Hadn't thought of it like that at all!

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MzHz · 11/09/2019 18:04

You don't think it's possible that he regrets his past actions? Or that we can somehow maintain a friendship or even relationship in the future?

Not a chance in hell. He will do it again and again and waaaaaaay worse than before if you give him space to do so. He’s a total loss, a write off, leave him behind you.

Also.... as a human being, he’s NOT a good role model for your dc, so don’t give him enough space to program your kids into his way of thinking. You’ll never forgive yourself if you see your dc abusing their families

Call woman’s aid, get on the freedom program and see if there are any local groups they know of. I was lucky.

Do everything you can to get him out of your lives

Original poster
Weenabix · 11/09/2019 19:04

I don't even really know if he was abusive though. I agree that it's a bit like an addiction that I need to break but I can't just write him off. He's a human and can be a nice one..

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LittleWing80 · 11/09/2019 19:10

I really don’t understand the point of your post or what it is you are actually expecting the advice to be? if you can’t and won’t, you have already made up your mind. Why try to convince everyone who is offering advice that he is a nice person?

Pinkbonbon · 11/09/2019 19:32

Trust your own judgement from when you left him. If it wasn't workable then and he wasn't living up to his end of things, abusive or not, there's no reason to think it would be different a second time round. Especially considering you can even see he hasn't changed.

And if you felt it was abusive - it was abusive. Your feelings are valid, don't second guess yourself.

You weren't happy with him. Find happiness another way, it just doesn't lie down his route.

Original poster
Weenabix · 11/09/2019 19:33

I'd appreciate different viewpoints. I don't have to necessarily agree with the first people who reply do I?

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Original poster
Weenabix · 11/09/2019 19:38

That was in answer to littlewing by the way!

Sounds weird but I'm almost gaslighting myself...

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Techway · 11/09/2019 19:42

I think you are grieving the marriage ending and what could have been.

2 years is not alot of time and feelings of loss often take longer to process. Having him close won't help. I think cold turkey is needed for a period of time.

litterbird · 11/09/2019 20:21

I was stuck for a very long time in the 'could've, would've, should've' loop when my last relationship ended. I did feel addicted to him for a good while even when I went cold turkey and cut him out completely. 2 years is still quite a short time to get over a marriage completely and it is normal to go through the grieving cycle again and again until its complete. I can honestly say it took about 3 and half years to get my ex out my system but still today I can't jolt back in time with sadness and the "what if" scenario. Try and stop as much contact as possible, stop the wandering thoughts about him and surge forward. You divorced for a reason, take the rose tinted glasses off for good and enjoy the rest of your life.

Original poster
Weenabix · 11/09/2019 20:29

2 years is still quite a short time to get over a marriage completely and it is normal to go through the grieving cycle again and again until its complete
This makes sense. I've been listening to people telling me to get back on the horse but it's never felt right and I think it was too early.

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Original poster
Weenabix · 11/09/2019 20:49

Ok I've got the ball rolling and emailed a few places that offer the freedom programme. You're all saying pretty much the same thing. There is no going back, or forwards, with this man.

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Watchingthyme · 11/09/2019 21:05

Trauma bonding
Addictive behaviour
Stockholm syndrome
TRAUMA bonding

You take his ONE tiny crumb and hold onto it like it’s your lifeblood

This is what I hate to say (narcissists) do.

I was there/am there. I would drop everything in a heartbeat.

You’re like that crackhead on the corner of the street slowly killing themselves, everyone else gives you some pity but in the end is just a bit “why can’t you kick this fucking habit that’s KILLING YOU”

they don’t understand so you stop telling people about your habit. You come online half hoping people will tell you stories about it all ending up happy ever after with the crack.
It never does. Ever.
Trust me. They are toxic. Drugs are toxic. You have to actively chose life.

Original poster
Weenabix · 11/09/2019 21:49

they don’t understand so you stop telling people about your habit. You come online half hoping people will tell you stories about it all ending up happy ever after with the crack

Bit too close to home there Blush

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Watchingthyme · 11/09/2019 23:20

Sorry I didn’t mean it in a horrid way.
I really didn’t.
I know it.
I’ve wasted a lot of my life on it. X

Sleepyhead19 · 11/09/2019 23:27

I’ve felt like that before. When you have kids with someone and have loved them that much, you don’t just stop loving and caring for them. It changes into a different type of feeling is all. Moving on is so hard but there has to be a point where you realise that it’s something you must do. You can’t be happy if you are lining for him all the time.

Original poster
Weenabix · 12/09/2019 07:53

Don't worry @watchingthyme I know how you meant it and it was true anyway!

I suppose I haven't given it enough time for a start, and I can't recover properly if I'm around him. The sad thing is that when I withdraw contact he barely sees the dc so I feel I have to keep everything friendly and stable for their sakes.

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