Can't and won't move on from my ex

[Weenabix]

I've posted loads on here over last 4 years, under various names. I was in what I believed to be an emotionally abusive marriage so I ended it 2 years ago. We're now divorced and I've seen other people since. We have 2 young dc.

But I just cannot move on. I'm not sure that I'm still in love with him exactly but I care very much about him, I still want him to be a part of my life, and I would love for our family to be back together. I've had a 9 month relationship in the last year, half of that time I spent wishing I was with my ex. I went on a trip recently with the guy I've been seeing and ended up in hospital - the only person I wanted with me was my ex. Sometimes I wonder if the world were ending or if I were dying what I would do, and the answer is always spend those last hours with him and our kids.

I don't miss him day to day, and I'd certainly never live with him again. It was very difficult being married to him. We've tried to maintain a friendship but he's very up and down and often says he still loves me and has big regrets about how he was. But I'm very aware that he hasn't changed as a person. Nothing would be different. So I'm stuck in limbo. My sister's advice was to block all contact except regarding our dc but I won't do that. She suggested not having him in the house but I won't do that either. I don't know what to do

[Jackiesathome]

LISTEN TO YOUR SISTER.

You broke up with him for a reason, I highly recommend therapy and just take each day as it comes and eventually you will find yourself feeling free.

Trust the process and be patient is my advice.

[Weenabix]

Thank you all for the encouragement. I am really grieving! I suppose it had to come at some point, and starting the freedom programme and recognising him in the abuser described was bound to be the trigger!

[hellsbellsmelons]

and my dc's lives
And only you can stop this cycle!
You can stop them getting into abusive relationships.
You can stop them becoming abusers.
You are the only one who can do this for them.
You got this OP!

[YouSeeItsTrue]

OP, you've had such good advice and it was so heartening to read that you were able to recognise him in the book, even though that must have been so hard for you.

Everything is going in the right direction now.

Stick with your new boundaries and it will he hard as you realise just how.much of your relationship was under his control but you will get there. Take.care ❤

[Greatshoes]

It sounds like you are finding the freedom programme very relevant to your relationship and I hope, although difficult now, that it helps. But I think it's also normal to feel sad, however the relationship was. I think when you choose to leave someone and when there are good reasons you forget that there is also grief. Just because it was your choice and things weren't good, it doesn't mean you won't grieve. That might get lost in focusing on abuse. (Even if that is useful work you need to do as well)

Sorry things are feeling so bad. I know how difficult it is to move on and heal when you have young children together.

[eladen]

That's understandable - it's a lot to suddenly have in front of you. But you won't feel like this forever and life won't be like this forever.

It feels really shit right now, but this is the start of healing. A bit like when a physical wound gets itchy and uncomfortable as it starts to heal - it's a good sign. This knowledge gives you the power to start changing things so life is better for all of you.

You've been stuck in a holding pattern, now you're beginning to break free of it.

Keep reminding yourself that things will change, including how you feel right now, and that this is your path to that better life you've been wishing for.

Then do things to be kind and comforting to yourself in the meantime. Do you have any hobbies or a favourite book or film? When you go back next week it might help if you've already planned some gentle activities for afterwards (I always used to have chocolate on standby for afterwards).

Take care

[Weenabix]

I've come crashing down tonight. Feeling very sad that what's described in the book was and still is my life and my dc's lives.

[eladen]

Oh, I'm so glad you made it to the freedom programme and you found it so helpful. I had a similar experience my first week. I vividly remember staring in horror at the book while they talked and realising it described my life.

First day of the rest of your life. Take it easy the next few days, your brain might go into overdrive starting to put pieces together.

[hellsbellsmelons]

For the love of god - listen to your sister!!!!
I know from your last post that it is sinking in.
He's been abusive.
I'm so pleased you are doing the Freedom Programme.
It should really help you.
Good luck OP.
Keep things to the bare minimum.
Take all the advice your sister gives you.
She seems to know what she's talking about.

[Weenabix]

Thought I'd come back to this thread and say I started the freedom programme today, in a group. It was mindblowing! Some of the (relatively) minor stuff I'd put down to my ex being forgetful or disorganised, others in the group were describing those exact things word for word and some of it was written in the handbook as well...he wasn't disorganised, it was a tactic to control me. These men literally follow a script. And I'd actually been considering giving him yet another chance!

[Weenabix]

Thanks for your encouragement!
Ex reinstated his offer of childcare tonight as I'm working but on condition that he could put them to bed at mine. I would normally have said yes but remembered what I'm trying to achieve and said no. Baby steps!

[Watchingthyme]

Well done on the counselling
Onwards and upwards! X

[MzHz]

The less influence he has over the kids the better, so it may scupper plans, but cherish the time with them, it’ll pay off! Promise

Are you doing the freedom programme in person? It’s much more effective that way!

BUT... it’s not a magic bullet, it won’t give you the answers or make everything better again... only YOU can do that :) what it DOES DO is that it makes you think, it makes you ask yourself really awful questions sometimes and you’re with others who “get it”. You’ll be horrified at the stories of others. The others on the course will be horrified at YOUR story, even if you aren’t. It was this that surprised me the most. The reactions of others to things I’d clearly normalised.

This is the BEGINNING of your return to you. You’ll get there and you’ll be happier than you can ever remember being. Hold on to that and never let anyone take that from you

You’re amazing, a star in the making, let’s see just how brilliant you can shine

[Weenabix]

Very true finewords. I had a counselling session today and I'm booked on to start the freedom programme next week so I feel much more hopeful today. And angry because ex has let me down again and cancelled the dc's overnight stay! Now just need to hold on to this anger..

[FineWordsForAPorcupine]

Your DC are not half their dad. They are 100% themselves. By deciding to free yourself from him, you are in no way rejecting them.

[Watchingthyme]

I think a counsellor for yourself with some element of CBT would be a good way forward. You’ve been through the wringer.

And I’ve done some shocking things too. So try to be kind to yourself x

[Weenabix]

And of course I wasn't remotely perfect in the relationship. Ashamed to admit I hit him a few times

Have signed up for freedom programme starting next week.

[Weenabix]

Why exactly did the marriage end, if you don't mind me asking? And were there attempts at counselling to resolve the issues?

I had been asking for a trial separation for a few months but he would convince me to change my mind. I kept going back and forth on the idea. We'd been through a really stressful time with external things going on so I blamed that and myself more than him. He was drinking a lot too. Then he did something incredibly controlling that I just couldn't get past and the marriage ended immediately. We then tried counselling for the first time, a relate counsellor pretty much told us to give up and so I did. He tried to move himself back in a couple of times, I called the police and had him removed. It got messy. We've only really been on speaking terms again since he moved into his own place.

To add to this, although I didn't really want to say it because it's such a mumsnet cliche, I believe him to be on the autistic spectrum. Our 2 dc have asd/adhd which adds weight to my belief. I know, I know!! that autism does not equal abusiveness or excuse abusiveness. I know that the vast majority of autistic people manage not to abuse their partners. I do know this. But there's a part of me that thinks, I wouldn't reject my dc and they are half their dad after all so why reject him?

[Gemma1971]

This helped me a lot recently:

www.confusiontoclaritynow.com/blog/covert-abuse-tactics

Like you, I did not really know if he was abusive. I could not call what he did abuse. But he WAS. And I would never call someone abusive without good grounds, but he wore my self-esteem down. As well as other awful behaviours. But he was so NICE a lot of the time and was the life and soul of the party, everyone loved him.

Few saw the real him when he decided to insult or degrade me, make me feel less than.

There are many ways a person can be abusive. It is not simply hitting another person. Verbal abuse can be just as destructive. I am still a work in progress but his voice in my head telling me I am old, past it, and his spiteful comments about the parts of my body he chose to pick on, are fading away. On a bad day I might still hear him, but the pull to be back with him has gone.

Do you need to take off those rose-tinted specs???

[Watchingthyme]

Very wise words from @Gemma1971
Very

[Watchingthyme]

You need to start putting boundaries in place.
This is the only way you might be able to move on from this.
You owe yourself the ability to have a happy life. Right now your just treading water. And trust me you could do that for years.
X

[Gemma1971]

Then contact needs to happen at his place, provided that it is safe of course.

Why exactly did the marriage end, if you don't mind me asking? And were there attempts at counselling to resolve the issues?

It sounds very much as if you are still grieving, and have unresolved feelings and issues that could be helped by having your own counselling. You're hanging on or clutching at something - it does take a while to heal after a long-term relationship ends, but that can be even harder if you have doubts about it even ending in the first place.

Sit down one day when you have some peace and quiet and write out your feelings. Be truthful about all the bad and the good. I had to do this to get a clear perspective. I was with someone for a long time an d my judgement and feelings were continuously clouded by cognitive dissonance. I loved him very much, in reality it was more of a trauma bond because of his covert abuse, and the relationship was doomed to fail really. I had the rose coloured spectacles on a LOT and it was not until I journalled and wrote it all out that I saw how much I was always the one making the effort, forgiving poor behaviour, raising the issues and him promising to work on those issues and change and then going back to bad behaviour literally within a handful of days sometimes. But I hung onto hope and because the physical connection was so good, I hung on and hung on whilst my life basically fell apart around him.

Had I had the self-awareness and the knowledge of what makes a truly healthy relationship, I would not have spent so many years longing and pining. I know where you are and it's a shit place to be. But get CLEAR on the facts of the relationship first. If there IS something worth working on, getting those facts on paper will show you.

Emotions are powerful and are not always our friends. They show us what is important to us, but we should NOT always act on them. Following your heart but taking your brain with you too always makes me laugh, but I think more appropriate is feel your feelings, ask yourself what they are telling you, then engage your rational, logical brain to aid in the process. To do this takes a bit of practice, I think it's a bit like CBT, you step back from your own self and become the observer of your own feelings. You don't allow yourself to get caught up in them. Then you can really know yourself and get a better understanding of the best course of action.

[Weenabix]

He only moved into his own place 2 months ago after 2 years of sofa surfing so contact was happening at our house. Then it became occasional visits to his where he'd try and get me to stay by offering food, a cup of tea, asking me questions etc. Now it's meant to be at his once a week (has only happened once) and he pops in sometimes to say goodnight to dc. All on his terms.

[tribpot]

That's just another way of controlling you. If he loved his children, he would want to see them. No-one is suggesting that you should not facilitate contact between them, just with minimal contact between you and him. I'm assuming he says contact "must" happen at your house? If so, I would ask your sister to supervise the next couple of visits, to see how fast that story changes.

[Weenabix]

Don't worry @watchingthyme I know how you meant it and it was true anyway!

I suppose I haven't given it enough time for a start, and I can't recover properly if I'm around him. The sad thing is that when I withdraw contact he barely sees the dc so I feel I have to keep everything friendly and stable for their sakes.