How much does money matter?

[Hattymatty]

How much dues money matter in a relationship?

Currently dating two men (not exclusive as early days) and one has significant wealth and the other has a very low paid job on minimum wage with no prospects of progressing into anything better paid. I’m pretty self sufficient and have a decent standard of living.

Obviously I won’t be continuing to date either man on a decision on money! But just interested to know whether people think money actually matters in a relationship? My friend has said if I stick with minimum wage guy then inevitably I will have to compromise on my own lifestyle for instance won’t be going on as nice holidays and so on as he won’t be able to pay his share. I’m not sure these things matter but maybe it would be frustrating in the long run?!

It sounds like the minimum wage man lacks imagination if he keeps taking you to the pub. Even if he is skint he could suggest doing something different (unless you love always going to the pub!)

Which of the men do you like better?

Money is only really of relevance if you are planning on having children and stopping work at some point to be a SAHM. If that is on the cards then you want whoever you are with to be able to support you. Unless of course he becomes a SAHD and you keep working.
I know friends who have been in relationships with ultra rich men who have been treated like shit, then been happy in a new relationship with someone who earns £35k but keeps them well. IMHO personality, chemistry, integrity and whether you just feel right for each other should always come first. Money doesn't necessarily buy happiness and can become a burden.

I was fortunate enough to meet, fall in love with and marry a man who has always been a high earner. It let me be a SAHM for a few years, have a comfortable life and we are not particularly worried about retirement.

I honestly don't know how things would have gone if he had been on minimum wage, but being a decent "provider" with a stable career was definitely part of the package. I think what it boils down to is that the other person needs to be able to contribute to the family in a meaningful way and be a decent, loving person.

It matters, I wouldn't go out with anyone who didn't attempt to better himself or study for a better job with prospects. Why would someone be stuck at minimum wage forever?
I've had a cocklodger as a husband and it's exhausting, always having to work hard to bring in the money with no help from them and usually they think they rule the household too.
I'd be looking for someone who is at least my equal or I would not respect them.

What’s a decent enough income then?

Love goes out of the window fast when there is no money to pay the bills OP! I would rather be crying in my gin on holiday than sat crying cold here! Harsh but true....I can finance myself but I am buggered financing someone else ...Financially my husband earns slightly more than me but we sing from the same hymn sheet where money is involved.Our priorities are us and the kids having a nice lifestyle we both provide equally for.Our marriage wouldnt work if it was any other way,

Age is a big factor I think. I might have been pretty relaxed about finances when dating in my early 20s but wouldn't have considered someone on minimum wage and living with their mum in my 30s. I wanted to buy a house, get married and have children without being completely skint and struggling. I was never interested in a meal ticket, just someone in a similar position to myself.

When I was married I had no money worries at all. I was a sahm had a nice house, my husband made a very secure and worry free environment. But I wasn’t happy as we didn’t like the same things in life, he didn’t help around the house and I didn’t feel loved.

We divorced and I’m with a man who doesn’t earn as much, I live in a council flat, and don’t have the security. but I’m happier with him and I feel loved.

Would I rather cry in my gin on an exotic beach, or laugh snuggled up in bed knowing the gas meter has run out ? Mmmm for me it’s the latter as life is too short. But I do need to sort out my security.

This thread is crazy!

Since when did money matter so much in a good relationship? Money is only a problem if the relationship is a bad one. There should not be resentment if one partner earns less than the other when you both love and respect each other! In a functioning relationships you should make joint decision about big money questions.

The amount someone earns is not necessarily a reflection of how interesting or ambitious they are. There are very dull city boys and very interesting charity workers out there. How much somebody earns is not an indication of key relationship traits you might require like honesty, faithfulness, sexual appeal, ability to love.

I earn x4 what my husband earns. We put our shared income towards our home, family, holidays, savings and also treat ourselves. To me this is the basics of a marriage?

And thinking back to the early days of our when we had an even bigger salary differential, I would pay for our holidays outright. Now this meant we effectively went on holidays that were half as expensive as we might otherwise have done. But I don’t know anyone who would rather be on a beach in the Bahamas with a rich dick than up a hill in Yorkshire with the man of their dreams.

How did the wealthier guy come about his wealth? Do you seem him as having more drive or 'get up and go' than the other man?

I think equality actually matters in a relationship.

My ex husband worked minimum wage retail jobs or slightly above minimum wage but he never earned much. He lacked ambition and drive entirely, he was quite happy bobbing along doing (imo) student jobs. I left him because I had a degree and post-grad, my starting salary was almost double anything he had earned and I was sick of feeling as though he was leeching off me tbh. I tried to inspire him to better himself but he just didn’t care to. We have been separated for over five years now and he still doesn’t have a better job... I made the right decision.

I'm in a relationship where I'm the lower earner. Partner has been to uni and has a very good job whereas I had a child at 16 and had to work my way up.

It doesn't bother him in the slightest. He always asks me if I can afford holidays before he books them or if I need any money towards food shopping or whatever for the house. He always makes sure it's ok.

When we go out for a date night we usually split the bill. Or one pays one week and the other the next. It's just never been an issue really. If you truly want that person, then money wouldn't be an issue - obviously if they are rubbish at managing money then I would say it would become one.

*If can’t believe how many of you say you’d want someone earning the same as you do that you don’t miss out on nice holidays etc!! How shallow. Surely it’s about who you’re there with, not how many stars the hotel has?!

FWIW my DP earns significantly more than I do.*

You've undermined your self.

It's really not about how posh or expensive things are. For me anyway, as long as it's good.

It's about one person feeling the other person is taking the piss financially. Or out right financial abuse where the control of money is yet another way to control and or abuse the other person.

No one wants to pay for some one else's freeloading or debt management.

Which is the best at sex

Good question......

As my mum said, I’ve been miserable comfortably off and I’ve been miserable hard up and I will take being miserable in comfort every time. I also think it matters what the other couples expectations are , if it’s that you arent well off but are perfectly happy doing stuff that doesn’t cost much then that works, if you end up with a champagne lifestyle, lemonade money wages kind of person- it nearly always causes issues.

It’s not that important when you’re young, teens and early twenties, and dating purely for enjoyment’s sake, happy to have a boyfriend to spend time with but not thinking much further than that.

But as you get older, if you want to start a family or buy a property or travel or whatnot, it’s very important. People who earn well are usually fairly career oriented which can cause conflict and disconnect if they end up in a LTR with someone who isn’t.

Personally I wouldn’t have settled down and chosen to marry or have kids with someone who was a really low earner or uneducated. I didn’t want to rent forever. I wanted kids, which cost money. And I wanted financial security. I didn’t want a relationship or life where we’d always be worrying about money, going without, risking debt. Unable to provide for a child properly.

So when it came to the point where I was ready to meet someone and start a family and marry I only considered moving further than a few dates with guys who had ambition, education, a decent income or strong likelihood of one in the near future.

I grew up in a house where we had a lot of money troubles and it was so stressful. I’m not excepting megabucks, I’d be satisfied with someone on mid twenties salary for example, just not minimum wage or barely above. I didnt ask for anything I wasn’t already bringing to the table myself (I have a good education and a decent salary), just wouldn’t have seen a future with someone who couldn’t contribute what I could. I don’t think it’s too much to ask that the future father of my kids be able to support them/us when I’m on maternity leave/provide for the family like I can.

The idea that money doesn’t matter, all that matters is love, is very sweet but not realistic or practical in a world where things cost money.

Oysterbabe summed it up a lot more succinctly than I did 😂

wanted to buy a house, get married and have children without being completely skint and struggling. I was never interested in a meal ticket, just someone in a similar position to myself.

Exactly :)

I think people’s attitudes to money is very telling and what you should look at. My DP was very flashy with his cash when I met him but had I examined him closely ( I didn’t I was a very young and naive student) I would have discovered he doesn’t like paying bills and only flashes the cash when trying to impress. Fast forward 13 years I’m stuck paying all the mortgage (in my name as he can’t get one), bills (as he won’t pay them) and struggling to buy essentials for our children while he struts about in designer trainers. Really really look closely at whoever you plan a future with.

MissDew I haven’t undermined myself, I’m saying that if my DP felt the way some of you do about money he wouldn’t be with me - I’m seeing it from the perspective of the poorer guy, not the OP.

No one wants to pay for some one else's freeloading or debt management.

Of course nobody wants to, but some people do, because they love someone and don’t want to see them struggle. As a single mum of 3 my work options are limited and my DP understands this. His own work options are flexible because he can work abroad for weeks at a time knowing his DCs are looked after by their mum, whereas I don’t have that capacity. Having moved with XH’s work several times I never built up a career of my own.

DP got an inheritance from his grandad and used some of it to take the pressure off me financially by paying off some credit cards. Because he’s a decent and generous man who loves me.

Yes, he could have spent it on a new car, new tech or paying off his mortgage (in fact he did just that with most of it) but he also used it to help the woman he loves to have a slightly more comfortable life.

And if I was ever in a position to reciprocate he knows I would. Sadly all my relatives are dead so I won’t inherit anything more, but hopefully my work prospects will improve as my DCs grow up and I can pay my way more. In the meantime, DP gains far more from being with me by way of love, support, affection and fun than he loses financially.

'The idea that money doesn’t matter, all that matters is love, is very sweet but not realistic or practical in a world where things cost money.'

This^

P.S. 30to50HairyFrogs - thanks, ok.

For me it isn't to do with money, it is to do with how he makes you feel, how suited you are in other ways - emotionally, intellectually, etc - how trustworthy and "good" he is.

But people have made good points about what job it is and why he is doing it.

Being short of money is stressful. If that is not the problem, as your salary is good, then the money itself wouldn't be relevant, more other things.

agree with PP who say attitude more important than amounts.

whether that's attitude with regards to ambition/self-improvement, or purely altruism (or the lack of it).

would i be happy with a woman who earnt 6 figures, but was very materialistic and self-interested? secure, probably yes. but happy - no.

would i be happy with a woman who earnt minimum wage, but threw herself whole-heartedly into something that happens not to pay well? probably yes.

The amount someone earns is not necessarily a reflection of how interesting or ambitious they are. There are very dull city boys and very interesting charity workers out there. How much somebody earns is not an indication of key relationship traits you might require like honesty, faithfulness, sexual appeal, ability to love.

This exactly. I earn more than twice a much as DH but he works in the public sector doing a job that makes a difference to children's lives on a daily basis. He's passionate about his work and very good at what he does. He's very intelligent and capable but driven by making a difference in a real way rather than by money.

We share an account for bills and pay in the same percentage of our salaries. I do pay out more for things like holidays and treats but I don't mind. He does way more than I do around the house and is a brilliant dad. People should not be defined by what they earn.