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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this 'off' or am I being oversensitive?

34 replies

ARoomWithoutADoor · 10/09/2019 08:16

3 years ago I left my marriage.
I decided to get in touch with some old school friends (6 in total)
One of whom had been my boyfriend in 6th form for a year then we'd been in touch for another 3 as friends only. I am 50, so loooong ago!

OSF was pleased to hear from me. We emailed a bit and after a year or so decided to meet for lunch. We got on well and talked about schooldays. He said something highly significant (to me) about my family of origin (who he knew quite well). I was abused as a child and teen (which he didnt know). I explained broadly why it was significant. He asked me to 'tell him all about it'. I did (over a few emails over a few months) He was kind and supportive.

OP posts:
Original poster
ARoomWithoutADoor · 10/09/2019 08:25

sorry posting in 2 chunks as keep losing text on old laptop...

About 2 months ago, I am due to be in OSF home town (we live 350m apart so exceptionally rare). I am there solo Friday, with (part/time on /off) partner Sat/Sun. OSF and I agree to meet up on the Sunday, him and his wife and son, me and my partner.
OSF and I also agree to meet briefly Friday afternoon for tea at my hotel. I am feeling a bit wretched about the abuse stuff and he says he thinks no differently of me and he'd like to give me a hug. I think he suggests sex and get panicky. We have a quick 'friends hug' ,eat some Afternoon tea and he leaves.
We all meet on the Sunday and it goes well enough.

Since then he's been odd. Previous chat about everyday stuff stops and he always seems to mention sex in any email. I have said what I panicked about he says he 'can't discuss it as we are not in a relationship'. Also that 'he might go quiet if he is getting a bit intense but it's not my fault he thinks about me too much'.

Have I been stupid / messed this up?

OP posts:
Thingsdogetbetter · 10/09/2019 08:37

No YOU haven't! You were trusting and open. HE has decided to use this to start testing the waters for sex and an affair. The whole dropping sex into each conversation is to get you to start thinking of sex with him. The 'not in a relationship" is to tempt you into thinking 'but what if we were'. His thinking about you too much and then pulling back is to try to make you think he's a nice guy who has fallen for you and is pulling back because he's nice and 'not like that'. When really he's doing the push pull tactic to keep you guessing and thinking about him. To miss the intense conversations, to feel guilty that he likes you and feel mean if you cut him off.

He's an expert level manipulative man seeking an affair. Block him.

Blanca87 · 10/09/2019 08:37

Eh?

womaninthedark · 10/09/2019 08:40

He wants a shag, thinks you might be up for it. Time to put this relationship aside, perhaps.

Bitchfeatures · 10/09/2019 08:41

What @Thingsdogetbetter said.

He's testing the waters to see if you would be up for sex/affair.
Distance yourself from him.

SophieSong · 10/09/2019 08:42

If I've got this right, you confided in an old friend about historic abuse and his reaction has been to test the waters to see if you are up for starting an affair?

Rockos · 10/09/2019 08:49

Wow. He’s using you. It’s not you, it’s him. He thinks you’re up for it and is getting frisky. He’s not a friend. Get rid of him. This won’t end well. As soon as you make it clear you don’t want hanky panky, he will dump you anyway

Original poster
ARoomWithoutADoor · 10/09/2019 08:54

Yes, I confided in an old friend about the abuse (and that it had messed up my relationships with men as an adult / probs with boundaries etc): this was over 2 years, not all in one unwise blurt...

So my Qu is: am I reading too much into his emails or is he being off?

eg, We'd chatted about a well known TV show. I'd mentioned that one of the male characters (who wears a very specific costume) was attractive. OSF turned up to the hotel in that costume. When I later said I was a bit stunned he said it was 'just a bit of fun'. Yet in his email yesterday he says both: 'if I go quiet it's not your fault / I have feelings I cant talk about' etc then also his last remark is: 'where do you stand on converting a gay man'
WHAT? (he is defo straight)

OP posts:
Zaphodsotherhead · 10/09/2019 09:16

I'd pull back a LOT (unless he is single and you are interested in a relationship with him, which it doesn't sound as though you are).

He may be one of those men who thinks that a woman only talks to a man of 'feelings and emotions' if she wants to be in a relationship with him. Some of them just don't get the 'friend' thing.

Itsallgonewoowoo · 10/09/2019 09:16

I don't quite get your question, unless you are considering an affair with him? What's it matter if he is off with you, reading too much into his emails?
He knows you have boundary issues, he wants an affair with you. If you offer it up he'll take it, if you don't want to be the OW I suggest you block him and walk away.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 10/09/2019 09:22

He’s an asshole.

Don’t waste a single thought on him. Block and move on.

Thingsdogetbetter · 10/09/2019 09:23

Simply put. His emails and behaviour are 'off'!

He's testing the waters. You are right. Stop analysing, just accept that he is trying to entice you into sex. This is not of your making. His reaction to your weak boundaries was to go 'huzzah, bet I can get a shag out of this' instead of being a decent human being and support you. Everything he is doing is to slowly entice you into talking about sex and seeing him as an attractive man to have sex with. (The dressing up as a character you fancy was just creepily supposed to make you find him attractive! WTF?).

Trust yourself here as your boundary warning system is spot on. Stop questioning yourself. You are right!

Original poster
ARoomWithoutADoor · 10/09/2019 09:25

He is not single, therefore I am not interested in a relationship with him.
(I've had lunch with his wife and son, he's met my partner and my son)
I would like to remain friends if possible but nothing else.
I dont understand all the agonised 'cant talk about it' stuff and I dont know if I'm reading the general and specific sexual remarks correctly because my boundaries / spidey senses were (are?) all messed up. That's why i'm asking for an objective viewpoint, which i really appreciate.

It matters because I trusted him and I need to know if I was wrong to do so, especially such an old friend. That matters to me.

OP posts:
Thingsdogetbetter · 10/09/2019 09:29

He is NOT an old friend. He was a boyfriend, then he was NOTHING for a LONG time. Now he is a 'friend' you have only known three years.

Your spidery senses are NOT messed up here. They are spot on. The fact that you're not trusting them is your issue.

You were not wrong to trust a friend. HE is wrong to use that trust to his advantage.

Thingsdogetbetter · 10/09/2019 09:35

I really don't think you can continue as a friend because that is not what he is looking for. He has crossed the line numerous times. He will see a continued friendship as a green light to keep doing so. This is were real boundaries come in to play. You don't need that type of 'friendship' where you're second guessing yourself, having to analyse each interaction, etc. Strong boundaries are saying fuck off to someone who is happy to ignore your boundaries, take advantage of you and making you uncomfortable.

NigellaAwesome · 10/09/2019 09:37

He sounds too much hard work. I can't be bothered with people who are into make cryptic statements / have you second guessing and over-analysing.

Just slowly step away from him.

Inawholeofdoom82 · 10/09/2019 09:40

He's seeing if you might be up for sex. I would walk away from him entirely.

HasThisSoddingNameGoneToo · 10/09/2019 09:49

Yes, your spidey senses are working perfectly! Definitely trust them. They haven’t been broken by your past, they’ve been fine-tuned.

I’d stop contacting him now. He sounds sleazy, to be frank. And it’s disrespectful to his wife and child to keep emailing him once he’s gone rogue like this. He’s definitely on the sniff for some extra-curricular activities. It’s just sleazy.

Original poster
ARoomWithoutADoor · 10/09/2019 09:57

Thank you.
I guess i thought of him as an old friend rather than an old boyfriend as we were friends for 3 years back then, and have been for last 3. But i take your point, I really do.

If there wasnt the connection re his knowing my family of old I think I'd not have spoken to him about the abuse and the friendship would have stayed superficial. Because yes, hard work, and a bit pompous.

I will have to file it under 'mistake, try to trust spidey senses in future'

OP posts:
Gemma1971 · 10/09/2019 10:11

How horrible of him. You confided in him and he can't help being intense and keep mentioning sex.

FFS... this is no friend... he's looking for sex..... bad enough from a married friend. But sooooo much worse because he KNOWS you were abused and is hoping to take advantage of your vulnerability to get some strange. That is NOT a friend. In fact, it's exploitative. I would have nothing more to do with him.

Original poster
ARoomWithoutADoor · 12/09/2019 08:58

thanks.
I think its hard for me to see the wood for the trees as it were,
because of the abuse / the 'OSF' thing

of all things, the bit that has most upset me about his last email was:
'how do you stand on converting a gay man'? (last comment)

My ds is only 14 but looks 20 and has recently confided in me that he thinks he is gay. I mentioned this to OSF as part of a general chat about our ASD ds'. So, does OSF not think at all, or would he rather just stick some sexual reference into an email regardless of how persona it might be, (that without even getting into the ethics of the actual Qu) Ugh

OP posts:
Original poster
ARoomWithoutADoor · 12/09/2019 09:01

sb: personal

I worded that badly re ds. I just meant, the topic was newly 'close to home' (as OSF knows) as well as being a fairly revolting Qu in itself.

OP posts:
Aminuts23 · 12/09/2019 10:51

OP this man is a manipulator. Stay well away from him and end any communication. He sounds absolutely awful and has abused your trust. God knows what he’s on about with the ‘converting a gay man’ thing. He will mess with your head until you start questioning your own sanity. Let him go

joystir59 · 12/09/2019 10:54

Drop him. He wants to have sex with you. He isn't your friend. The abuse has titillated him and made him think you are available.

Opentooffers · 12/09/2019 11:06

Just grim, you need to stop telling him about your very personal stuff right now, he's using the info. I certainly don't think it was wise of you to tell him about your son, that was your son's business and should not have been disclosed to a man who behaves like this. You would be wise to cut him out of your life.

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