Is this 'off' or am I being oversensitive?

[ARoomWithoutADoor]

3 years ago I left my marriage.
I decided to get in touch with some old school friends (6 in total)
One of whom had been my boyfriend in 6th form for a year then we'd been in touch for another 3 as friends only. I am 50, so loooong ago!

OSF was pleased to hear from me. We emailed a bit and after a year or so decided to meet for lunch. We got on well and talked about schooldays. He said something highly significant (to me) about my family of origin (who he knew quite well). I was abused as a child and teen (which he didnt know). I explained broadly why it was significant. He asked me to 'tell him all about it'. I did (over a few emails over a few months) He was kind and supportive.

Stop casting your pearls before a swine... and he appears to be one.

As a good friend says, you wouldn't go to the butchers to buy bread... in other words, some people simply can't hold space for us, are NOT the right people to share our woes with or to seek support from, and in your case, this man is downright exploitative and hoping he can abuse your trust.

Keep your son's personal stuff private. You can't trust him and you need to stop sharing so much with someone who does not have your back and who, to be frank, sounds like a pervert.

Good point about ds' info, thank you.
I'd mentioned in passing that ds had had a specific assembly and now feels he might be gay when OSF was discussing his ds' relationship woes but yes, good point, better not discussed at all.
I CERTAINLY would not have said a word had i even dreamed he'd make some odd 'conversion' remark. I mean, WTAF???

I was going to reply to his email saying just that alone ie WTAF???
but I think its' better just left alone and I'll block him now.

I read a poem last night, which resonated (i've adapted slightly):

'I can't forgive you. Even if I could,
You wouldn't pardon me, for seeing through you,
I shall cure myself of the hope,
Of what I thought you were, before I knew you (better)'

Poem a bit melodramatic, lol, but the experience has really made me doubt myself. He got under my radar completely, when he made perceptive remarks about family / was kind about abuse. I now wonder if he was just reeling me in. Ah well. Onwards and upwards.

This man is many things (none of them nice) but friend isn’t one of them. The frequent sex talk is a red flag, especially since you are both in relationships.

He’s a twat of the highest order which you’ve unfortunately over shared with.

I repeat, this man is not your friend, let him find another source of titivation.

Block this creep!

When we "cure" ourselves of the belief that all people are intrinsically good, it makes the world an easier place to navigate, albeit a little darker sometimes.

Not everyone who appears to be kind has a kind heart. It's taken me almost 30 years to learn that one. Just be careful who you share personal stuff with in future.

i think it is best to consider him essentially a stranger like anyone else OP, that is a LONG time and relationships in youth are hardly renowned for emotional maturity or legitimate closeness, even if they felt of that nature at the time. If this were someone you had just met you woud pull the plug surely- unfortunately you do not really know this guy, nor he you.

Re: his endless conversion to the sexual, it is pretty apparent he is taking advantage of the situation. From experience i can assure you there are plenty of men who get off on being a shoulder to cry on after abuse, he sounds almost titillated by it really, which is vulgar. I cannot imagine hearing a person discuss their awful abuse with me and then convert that into thoughts of sex, or attempt to flirt with doing so when they have made clear there is a serious issue. The comments about "converting" gay men are also offensive and bizarre, that is obviously not a thing.

I think you're wise to chalk it up to a mistake, perhaps the fact you did open up about this to someone outside your circle that felt safe in some way ( before reality hit) is indicator that now is a good time to find a counsellor or similar and talk the things on your mind that you are processing through with them in a legitimately secure environment.

Establishing trust
Reconnecting with an old friend

Then...

Pushing boundaries
Explicit talk
Pressure
Trying to get you to feel sympathy for him

All highly manipulative behaviour.

Unfortunately, I'm a little jaded myself. Abused as a child, coerced in a long term relationship, sexually assaulted at 23. Well, you could call it jaded but it stands me in good stead now. I get that spidey sense too. You just get an awful feeling in your stomach.

This man is trying to manipulate you into having sex despite him knowing you have a partner, he has a partner and that you were abused. He is a disgusting individual and you would do well to cut him off immediately. You don't owe him anything and you need to protect yourself (not just physically, but emotionally too).

The thing that strikes me as really odd about him is that he turned up at your hotel in a costume. If you were in his home town how on earth would he have explained the costume away if he'd bumped into anyone he knew and what did his wife think if he left the house like that? He was clearly a man on a mission if he went to all that trouble of obtaining the costume and wearing it in public.

I was wondering where the gay conversion comment came in but ah I see now, it was another boundary test because you'd mentioned about your sons comment, to him.

He's a manipulator. He is exploiting your honesty and using it against you.

Try not to metion past abuse to anyone unless youve known them a long time as otherwise, it can make you a more attractive target to those with less than honorable intentions.

thank you all for the further comments

just to clarify:
I never discuss the abuse having had counselling some years ago and, largely, come to terms with it
but because this person knew me very well then, at the end of it happening, and knew my family well, and immediately made some supportive remarks re that before he knew any details, i let my guard down - a mistake, i see.

PlinkPlink I am sorry it happened to you too. It is frighteningly common, I think. The effects can require a lot of mitigation.

I think its wise to keep quiet about it in general - nice men can be freaked out and less nice ones eyes light up. But this guy got past me.