Ex won't talk re child's holiday

[sweets4u]

Split from ex years ago - all Amicable
Lo who's 8 yrs
He asked if he can take her away abroad next month, out of school, 3 nights him and his wife
Agreed it as think it will be nice for her
Found out when I picked her up as she was there the weekend ( he has her every other) he left her alone to go food shopping
Left her in the house with their dog cam and his wife's phone
I called him told him I didn't like it and sent him some info on leaving children alone and said I don't want it happening ever again
He messaged saying he doesn't want to be told what to do, doesn't question me and to leave him alone ?!
I said can he call me as I have some stipulations on this holiday
Which I do
Such as where are they staying, I'd like contact when they are away as she only goes there for 1 night normally, and her first holiday away from me, it's for HER as well as me.
He's told me he will speak to me when he next picks her up in a week ?
Am I being unfair ???

My DD spends 2 evenings per week and EOW with her Dad. We only split 9 months ago and before then I would work away a few weeks a year and she stayed home with her Dad. I don't always agree with his parenting choices. However she isn't going to come to serious harm because of them so I let it go (as I'm sure he does with some of my choices).

I think there is an issue of leaving the kid home with the dog. You do need to address that with him and you both need to agree what is "ok". If you genuinely feel it is unsafe then you do need to either report him to SS or go back to court. He doesn't have to do what you say - he has full rights to parent anyway he chooses unless the authorities say different.

As for holiday contact - you can't insist he calls you or texts you. You can ask and if he is a decent guy he will likely give you an update but he doesn't have to.

Either you trust him to look after his child in which case you hug her and send her off with a big smile (even if you feel worried / bad / upset) or you don't - in which case you need SS/courts to agree with you and he doesn't get to see her.

Not that this is part of the thread- but I dont think the breed of dog is that relevant. A bite is a bite - just because a chihuahua is unlikely to kill a child, why would you risk it? say the child was playing on the floor on the floor and the dog bit her face? It can still scar.

I am a dog person through and through but any dog can do damage

At 8 many kids are left for very short periods, most days someone posts on mumsnet a dilemma as to whether it's ok for 10 -20 mins to shop/drop at station.
Agree, completely disagree with leaving her alone with the dog though!
Leaving her alone at 8 though, may not be something i would do, but a one off ( if it was regularly, or at night or if she was being left in bed i’d be worried)

Children should never be left alone with a dog; that's terrible parenting and dangerous.

However, I do think you are over-reacting about the holiday. He has offered to talk to you about it beforehand.

These are two separate issues.

Ex dp expected dc to call him every day last time we were on holiday. It was a real nuisance and ended up with the kids resenting having to stop what they were doing and they didn't really engage with the calls. It was also rather inconvenient due to the time difference. I'm afraid I stopped encouraging them to do it after a while. Your dd will be fine for 3 nights, she'll be having lots of fun and I'm sure if she wants to speak to you she can ask. Maybe have that discussion instead. I don't see how 10 days is too late to arrange this. Obviously you should have the address of where she is staying. Without that my dc wouldn't be going (it's stipulated in the court order anyway) but 10 days in advance is fine to have this info. I understand your concern about him leaving her. Ex p also has done this recently and he uses unsuitable car seats but unfortunately both things are still legal so there's not much I can do.

So you know if it's the first time he has left her? Would think most parents would build up the time they leave the child. Eg first time maybe 10 min, second 20min etc etc. To leave an 8 year old for the first time for 1 hour 20min is a big ask. Also was she locked in or was she able to get out if she needed? So many variations to the scenario, but regardless leaving such a young child for that amount of time I would not be happy.
But saying that I think it's all about the approach, you can't dictate to him. Remember you will still need to work with him after the situation, so plead to his better nature and express how conserned you were, rather than how angry you are.

Completely understand your concern, no way I'd leave 8 year old alone to go shopping. The risk of what could happen, the fears the child may have being alone, etc... Very irresponsible and thoughtless.

Also contact on holiday when you are the primary carer needs to be sorted so she doesn't feel she has to push for it. If agreed in advance she can enjoy her holiday knowing she will be talking to her mum frequently.

Understand concerns about irresponsible behaviours too and being in sole charge of your dd for longer than usual will be worrying. You need reassurance and he needs to provide it. Yes he may be her dad but that connection doesn't automatically give someone a parenting ability.

Definitely think you need to talk before, do that there's no concerns for you or for your DD.

Grandparents looked after our DD one summer and we have very different parenting styles, wish wish wish we'd discussed more in advance. If would have saved DD distress and us worry. Hope you get it sorted

I think when two parents are so far apart on what they think is 'ok' that's not good.

He thinks it's ok to leave an 8 year old home alone for an hour and a half, you don't. He can't just say he thinks it's fine and ignore your concerns.

I can see why you're getting anxious about the holiday. What if he leaves her alone in the hotel?

Those saying it's fine to leave an 8-year-old alone are worrying me. Why would anyone take that chance?

[[https://www.gov.uk/law-on-leaving-your-child-home-alone¡

Talk to your daughter. Find out if the shopping trip was a one-off or if he often leaves her home alone with the dog. If it's routine, then no go.
You definitely should know where exactly they will be and how to get in touch with them. Particularly if they are abroad. If he won't provided this information as a courtesy, then again, no go.
She should be allowed to call you at least twice so you know she has arrived and settled. He is being a bully to be so secretive and controlling.

I would want the same as you all the details and I’d also want a daily text and a phone call a few times. You are the main care giver and there’s been some issues in the past like him leaving her. My daughters 9 and I leave her to go for a pint of milk but my next door neighbour is a good friend and I only go if she’s in.

A friend of mine her ex said he was taking their daughter to Majorca and actually took her to Tunisia to one of the places it’s advised not to go as it was cheap. She was livid and will not allow him the daughters passport again

I don't understand why he just didn't take her to the shops with him. He hardly has her as it is. You'd think he'd want to spend as much time with her as possible.

As for the holiday, you already said she could go and she'd be very disappointed if you take it away.

He left your daughter alone and went shopping...... Why. What did he need do urgently. Shere was his wife.
What guarantee is there they don't leave her alone in a foreign country and go for dinner.....
Your ex is an idiot. You do not leave little kids alone to go shopping. Why couldn't he take her with him.
Irresponsible and idiotic man

I think leaving an 8 year old home with a dog run same room for 90 minutes is a risk and not safe parenting.

There is guidance from nspcc (uk) if it helps. Whilst it's not prescriptive, it's helpful guide :

www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/in-the-home/home-alone/

I think the issue is he is making decisions that you feel aren't safe or age appropriate and you've lost trust in him, hence your worries about holiday now. That is worth a conversation in a ' I'd prefer you didn't do that' - in the same way, since you usually get on well, that he's have right to say if he was worried about something and you'd want to listen. If you usually have a mutual respect for each other as parents you'll be able to discuss this and even if you ultimately disagree, you'd find a way to take account of legitimate worries

PP is right. He could have (and should have) taken DD to shops with him.

He has any of the other 13 nights or alt. weekend he doesn't have her, to do family shopping, if he doesn't want to take her with him. It's hardly that supermarkets don't stay open late, Or open early in our almost 24 hour society.

Zombie thread alert 🚨*
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I wonder if OP's DD ever got to go on the holiday? Would have been October half term-ish.

Op yanbu wanting the information. But legally he doesn't have to provide it, as he should be deemed responsible enough etc to care appropriately for her.
That is obviously Contradicted by the obvious lapse and imo neglect leaving an 8 years old alone for 90 minutes. I'd be inclined to speak to nspcc for advice regarding this. As if that his norm, then maybe contact needs reviewing.
Re the holidays, are they in half term? If not, are you aware that both parents get fined?
I would message him, that you won't be releasing your daughter to his care without knowing flight numbers, timings and hotel details. Nothing more is needed to be said. He's then aware of what you expect.
Do you have her passport?

Zombie thread
From last September, whatever the outcome, it's over

There are 2 separate issues here.
Personally, I would not leave an 8 year old alone to go shopping. I have not had a dog, so not sure how significant this is. Maybe it depends on the type of dog, and size. Is it a dangerous dog?
The thing here is that leaving 8 year old alone may be indicative of a lack of parental awareness.
're holiday. The OP should know the holiday details. Flight details, and accommodation details, in case something happens.
I always give someone else such as my adult DC this information, plus my travel insurance details. The OP may need to contact DC (or vice versa) urgently, and mobile coverage should not be relied upon.

Dont know but the way she kicked off on here....well I wouldnt have wanted to be her ex knocking on her door the day she wanted to 'talk'

Jesus Christ. Why are some posters being so nasty and aggressive? He sounds like he's being an arse, OP. It could easily have been resolved. But he decided not to.

Wow, can't believe how much stick you're getting op for being very rightly concerned about your young child being left alone for a considerable amount of time with a dog! Really irresponsible behaviour from her dad and his lack of regard about this, even when pointed out to him, I'd have to question his ability to make sensible judgements about other things safety related. Personally I think you're perfectly reasonable to be very concerned about the holiday. Hope all turns out well for you and your daughter. And regardless of any trivial upset to be caused, I'd say that surely the little girl's safety must come first. If in any doubt I'd refuse her going too. You're her mum, go with your gut feeling.