Ex won't talk re child's holiday

[sweets4u]

Split from ex years ago - all Amicable
Lo who's 8 yrs
He asked if he can take her away abroad next month, out of school, 3 nights him and his wife
Agreed it as think it will be nice for her
Found out when I picked her up as she was there the weekend ( he has her every other) he left her alone to go food shopping
Left her in the house with their dog cam and his wife's phone
I called him told him I didn't like it and sent him some info on leaving children alone and said I don't want it happening ever again
He messaged saying he doesn't want to be told what to do, doesn't question me and to leave him alone ?!
I said can he call me as I have some stipulations on this holiday
Which I do
Such as where are they staying, I'd like contact when they are away as she only goes there for 1 night normally, and her first holiday away from me, it's for HER as well as me.
He's told me he will speak to me when he next picks her up in a week ?
Am I being unfair ???

Completely agree it's not appropriate to leave an eight year old on their own. Will he thinks it's ok to leave her in the hotel room...completely understand your concerns.

Because he is being an ass! And for those of you who don't get it I have no words...for those of you who do thank you x
Very worrying for some children and on what some parents thinks safe and ok....🙄
I'd over react any day to make sure I make the right decisions

Think the point OP is trying to make is a bit lost in the chatter. DD8 has been left alone with dog to babysit her while her father and GF went to the shops. Father refuses to engage about the issue and wants to take her abroad and OP quite rightly is concerned she'll be left alone elsewhere.

Plenty of MN on here wouldn't agree that leaving 8 yr old alone is appropriate, so it's a bit odd that this isn't being picked up here.

How long did he leave her for? I have an almost 8 year old who is sensible and am happy to leave her for 5-10 minutes whilst I go food shopping (pops to the coop 25 metres from my house!). I also leave my dog who we've had since a puppy with my dc- no concerns there. I've actually asked other people with similar aged children and they are happy to do the same for the same length of time. Some schools allow children to walk home from school at that age. I think you're over reacting and he is their parent too.

@newyearoldme thank you!!! I know right? Very odd that people have just jumped on to correcting my days when I know it's 10 days when I get the info. What's the harm of giving me details now?! No harm, we are normally amicable
Ex is being an ass as he doesn't like I've ' told him off' for leaving our daughter at home along with a dog to babysit! So yes I will talk to him like a child If he's going to make awful decisions like that...and yes I do feel like the only responsible parent 🙄and as I say will stand by how I feel and protect her the best way I can. If I'm guilty of that I honestly don't give a tiny rats ass

I don't really care for people telling me I'm over reacting anymore
I don't feel I am
Thanks to everyone who's given me advice and for the people who are telling me I'm over reacting well I think you are under reacting so I know what parent I would rather be

He left her for an hour and a half !
My school doesn't let her leave unless it's an adult collecting
And she's year 4, only from year 6
So that's a good point actually

Poor child

The reality is that leaving an 8yr old at home alone for a short period is a parenting choice. Not one you are comfortable with and it must absolutely suck when it’s your child being parented in a way that upsets you and makes you anxious. I don’t think I’d cope well with that. But this is where separated parents need to walk a really careful line. If you think he is a bad and dangerous father you need to take him to court and get your child removed from him. Otherwise you need to be very careful when you disagree with some parenting choice he makes because going in threatening to ban his holiday with his child or speaking to him like you’re the main parent is going to antagonise.

@chickenyhead
Light matches ?! Wow 👏

You sound really well balanced. I would be far more concerned about the effect you have on your daughter than an hour and twenty minutes on her own.

No wonder he doesn't want to talk to you. You dont listen.

Your DD is the one that suffers because of your foot stamping

Good luck OP good luck (in court)

An hour and a half is not acceptable imo. A few minutes to run an errand is ok but I would not be happy with this.
FWIW some schools round here do let year 4's walk home alone. Thankfully my dc's school doesn't as I'd freak with the busy roads.

@Happyspud yeah it's horrible but then I think that's where respect comes in which I thought we had
Yes I agree it's a parenting choice and I appreciate that however I'm only reacted to people telling me I'm over reacting or controlling whatever the crap thrown was
Ridiculous
Sorry but that's an absolute load of bullshit! No courts would care about this?!
This is simply a disagreement between two parents - ex - and yes we aren't always going to agree
Nor will parents that are together mind you...so it has nothing to do me stopping contact
She just isn't going on holiday with him until I've confirmed a couple of things, simple as that
Once he talks to me, gives me details On where they are staying / location etc and once he knows I want a phone call or text or 2 then I I shall let her go

@chickenyhead yawn

@Mummyshark2018 no it isn't in my opinion either
Oh really? Far too young in my opinion and doesn't happen at my school thank god

My ex put loads of stipulation on leaving kids alone holidays etc. They where her rules not mine so I ignored them.

Leaving the child alone is his parenting choice and a completely different issue to the holiday. You need to separate them.

You agreed to the holiday but are now withdrawing that. Is that in the child’s best interests or are you doing that to punish him, using the child as a weapon (which is unacceptable).

You agreed to the holiday but are now putting stipulations in - this is controlling.

You can’t dictate how he parents or what he does on his time. Just like he can’t tell you.

My OH’s EW did this. Agreed to a holiday, didn’t like something do used the kids as a weapon and then wouldn’t let the children go. My OH took her to court (she also couldn’t see reason, take advice and thought she was right). The judge gave her stern words, she was made to pay the cost of the cancelled holiday and was told if she exherted this level of unreasonable control again (parents are equal, the RP isn’t in charge) then the children would be removed from her and they would live with their dad.

You are threatening to pull the holiday as you don’t agree with his parenting. Is this best for your daughter? Keep it child focused.

OP, refusing to let your DD go on this holiday will do untold damage to your relationship with her, let alone with your EX.
I too would be very annoyed about her being left for so long at home, but you've made your point about it. His reaction was probably because you've told him how he should parent on his watch. If you really believe what he has done is wrong, why are you not taking him to court over it?
Your DD sees very little of her DF as it is, IMO she should see him much more, at least a full weekend fri to sun EOW. That would be best for her. Regarding the holiday, you have agreed to it already, which you should have done anyway, so you now have to follow through.
When you do see him next week, just point out your concerns about her being left alone on holiday, tell him that you'd like a phone call a couple of times if that's possible, and leave it at that. You can't demand or make conditions. That will totally antagonise him, and he may well end up taking YOU to court for more contact, which he would be granted.

I think theres a reason he doesn't want to talk to you, if you speak to him the way you do here.
He made a decision you don't agree with ( you may make several he doesn't agree with) threatening to stop a holiday is childish and simply ruins it only for your child.
Some people are ok leaving their 8 year olds ( may or may not agree) doesnt make them bad parents

At 8 many kids are left for very short periods, most days someone posts on mumsnet a dilemma as to whether it's ok for 10 -20 mins to shop/drop at station. The dog is somewhat dependent on breed and personality ... a toy poodle just hasn't the same risk as a Rottweiler. I think you need to step back a little and think about why you are trying to interfere? Is it really because of danger or is it jealousy/something else? Personally I would never agree to holidays in term time, but that aside you need to accept she should be allowed extended visits with her dad, he should facilitate her calling you if she wants to but shouldn't make her call you.

I work with dogs, I trust mine as much as one can but there is no way on this earth I would leave a child aged 8 with a dog in case it mauled or bit them. The camera adds no layer of protection for that if you're down the road at the shops.

On the holiday thing, I understand your concerns. It does sound a little like you're having a stand off where neither of you wants to give any ground though. Refusing to let your daughter go on holiday will probably make you look like the bad guy in her eyes. I do understand you want contact that's normal but try to focus what your preferred outcome is - her going on holiday but checking in regularly over the three days. If your daughter is going to want that too, how likely is it your ex would stop her contacting you?

As long as he talks to you well before the holiday (and 9 days before is), I can’t see why you need to get all angry and cancel it right now. If it was a couple of days before and you’d not heard I could understand. And no, I agree that leaving a child alone was stupid. But telling him that you don’t want “my child” left alone won’t help. This is his child too, and he surely had the right to contact and holidays too. He sounds like he massively gets the thin end of the wedge.

I think it was a very poor parenting decision to leave an 8 year old alone with a dog for an hour an a half while 2 adults went shopping. There were much better choices available.
They could have taken her with them, or one adult could have stayed with her.
It can't have been very nice for the child and it seems like neither of the adults care about her feelings.
As pp have said, the safety aspect regarding the dog depends on the breed and whether the child and dog are used to each other. Still not something I would do.
I can understand why OP is concerned about whether her ex and his partner would look after the child adequately while on holiday.
Would they leave her alone in a hotel room while they go out for the evening, for example? I wouldn't be happy with that.