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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Personality over looks

29 replies

Cherryblossom200 · 09/09/2019 19:53

Hi everyone,

I’ve met someone online and this is the first person who I feel a bit of a connection with - only chatted on the phone, not met yet. Normally I go I dates with men I’m physically attracted to and it goes nowhere, I get bored and move on.

With this guy I find his job interesting, he works with nature which I love. He seems like one of the nice, genuine men who is relatively drama-free. Something I’m not used too 😆

My only concern is I’m not too sure I’m going to find him physically attractive 🥴

Can someone grow on you? I’m meeting him for a coffee soon.

OP posts:
Mummadeeze · 09/09/2019 20:00

I used to think not but actually having worked with some men I would not have looked at twice on a dating app and getting to know them over a period of time my opinion on their attractiveness has definitely changed. I would go in to it being as open minded as you can and try to give him a proper chance.

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 09/09/2019 20:01

Thanks Mumma, that’s what I’m thinking 🤔

OP posts:
BogglesGoggles · 09/09/2019 20:02

Quite frankly looks fade. If you marry someone you are attracted to physically but don’t really like you will either end up divorced or unhappy. If you wait for someone with a shining personality and the kind of look you like you may never find someone. I would prioritise what is important.

JoJoSM2 · 09/09/2019 20:04

I have always needed that instant physical attraction.

In your shoes, I'd just go on the date and see what happens. In my dating days, I went off vast majority of guys when I first met them. But I also got lucky and met some that I found v attractive and went out with.

Orangeleavez · 09/09/2019 20:08

Yes and no.
You can find someone thats not your type for example but have amazing chemistry and it can surprise you. You can also have attraction for guys who might not be the ideal good looking.
You can't however try and force yourself to have chemistry or find them attractive.
I believe it takes a few dates to work it out.
Generally speaking giving them a kiss will help clarify your feelings.
If you want to kiss him that's a good sign, If you kiss and it makes you feel icky it's a no go

EmmiJay · 09/09/2019 20:09

If I were you I'd give him a chance. I did with a guy who wasn't very "handsome" but he was side splittingly hilarious and hung like a horse. We didn't last but we're still good friends so...who knows.

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 09/09/2019 20:14

Thanks everyone, good advice. I’m not having much luck at the moment and feel maybe a different approach might be good.

Emmi your comment made me 🤣🤣

OP posts:
Dieu · 09/09/2019 21:12

I am not a shallow person, and would go for personality, intelligence, kindness and humour over looks.

BUT ... and it is a big but! ... there absolutely has to be some degree of mutual attraction there, not to mention the elusive but all important chemistry, or spark.

Personality alone isn't enough. Sadly.

Dieu · 09/09/2019 21:13

And nor are looks, to be fair. Balance is key!

Hope it works out for you Smile

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 09/09/2019 21:19

Thanks! It’s the chemistry above all which is hard to find. Especially when I have so much chemistry with my ex who left me when I had a child.

OP posts:
NameChange84 · 09/09/2019 21:23

Yes, people can definitely grow on you and become physically attractive over time. You do have to get to know them but eventually that spark can develop. I speak from experience Wink.

ShirleyPhallus · 09/09/2019 21:25

I used to think this. Went on a date with a guy, by second date I was gagging for him. Now I’m pregnant. Think it’s going well so far Grin

NameChange84 · 09/09/2019 21:42

Let’s put it this way...my ex looked like Bradley Cooper and I was gagging for him. I felt the same and MORE for a subsequent guy who looked more like John C Reilly! In between there was a Ryan Gosling lookalike who quite literally left me bored to tears with whom there was NO chemistry and soon the physical attraction wore totally off. The least physically attractive guy was the kindest, funniest, most respectful and stable and that was a HUGE turn on. He was also an INCREDIBLE kisser.

Ohdeargodwot · 09/09/2019 21:48

I dont go for classically goodlooking guys, but they have to be pleasing to me in some way. They also need the personality on top. It's possible to achieve, current bf fulfills both! I nearly didnt match on tinder coz he didnt look right enough, firmly at the lower end of pleasing from the pics...but i was brave and went for it and actually really liked him, looks and personality! Think OLD is a numbers game and u have to be open minded. Keep dating, not relying on pics and messages.

PennyPittstop · 09/09/2019 21:48

Sometimes you find the ones that are less good looking more than make up for their lack of looks with the way in which they treat you and making more effort in bed to compensate for their lack of looks. Photos don't always show how attractive a person is. Their personality is sometimes the most attractive thing about them. Try a date. If nothing else you might end up with a good friend.

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 09/09/2019 21:52

That’s what everyone says about the numbers thing, but I have a young child and in between working etc I find it hard to date constantly. I just don’t have the time to do it.
I’m hopeful with this guy, mainly like I said because he doesn’t seem the sort who is all about drama. There are so many guys I find online who are just messed up, don’t want commitment and love drama so this is refreshing.

OP posts:
boredboredboredboredbored · 09/09/2019 21:54

I totally agree with Dieu there has to be a spark of some sort.

Theredjellybean · 09/09/2019 21:58

When I met my now dp.. I remember walking into the bar and thinking 'oh.. I will never want to kiss you'.. But by the end of the first course he was suddenly so nice, by end of dinner I was completely smitten.. And then he kissed me.. And dear reader the rest is history.
Seriously he got more and more attractive to me as our relationship progressed, now I look at him and literally go wobbly with physical lust..
It's a strange thing chemistry...

crappyday2018 · 09/09/2019 22:04

I'm not sure. I'd like to think so although I have to have at least a bit of an immediate attraction to someone. I admit, I have ended up finding work colleagues attractive after getting to know them but that happened over a long period of time.
Definitely go on the date and try to keep an open mind. Over-thinking it then puts pressure on you.

ChippyPickledEggs · 09/09/2019 22:27

There's a difference between finding someone aesthetically pleasing and being attracted to them. I've met men with model looks who have left me cold. Anton from Love Island was a handsome man with absolutely zero sex appeal, for example. I have also met far less technically handsome men who, for whatever reason, really did it for me.

So the short answer is, no, looks don't necessarily matter. But attraction definitely does.

MelbaToast · 09/09/2019 23:15

I would say go on the date. Some people aren't photogenic but better looking in real life and some people that look awesome in pictures can be quite ugly when you meet them.

I've known my current BF for 18 months, first as friend and then as a BF. I think he is the most beautiful man I have ever met and to me he gets better with time, but I know it's just me that thinks this.

Frangible · 09/09/2019 23:20

This is why I think chatting to someone for ages before you meet them can be a bad idea, if you’ve got emotionally invested but simply don’t have the faintest spark of attraction when you finally meet.

Zenithbear · 09/09/2019 23:25

Looks first for me, although I don't go for pretty boys or classic good looks but have to fancy them. Then if their personality is off putting I don't bother.

GodDammitAmy · 09/09/2019 23:28

Go on the date, definitely. You're obviously attracted to him already or you wouldn't be asking. I think once you get to know people they become more or less attractive when you get to know their personality.
I was initially disappointed when I met my now DP. But then he smiled and his whole face lit up. He thinks he's average looking but I think he is bloody gorgeous.

Itsallpointless · 10/09/2019 05:11

I had always gone for looks initially, but personality definitely overrides this. However, it's a physical attraction that will draw you to someone, but however good looking they are, if the chemistry isn't there, it's dead in the water.

Attraction can grow, but has to be in a short period of time, IMO.

Go on the date, you've nothing to loseSmile