Moving too fast - but not for us

[Elizabeth245]

I met my partner 5 weeks ago. We’re 31 and 29 and have both had similar backgrounds, awful relationships, steep life lessons and heartbreak and we’re both very aware of what we want and don’t want in a potential partner and won’t settle for less. We met 5 weeks ago and have literally been inseparable since. Both of us have never felt like this before and everything just seems to have fallen into place. We’re so comfortable with eachother, can talk about anything, have met each other’s families (and for the first time our families have both approved of who we are seeing). My new partner is currently selling their house that they shared with their ex (the relationship was over a long time ago and they have minimal contact, which is only to do the house process). As we see each other regularly and the drive to see each other is around 1hr 20, she’s brought some stuff over and has moved in with me for a while to see how things go. I know I’m going to marry this girl, I’ve never felt so sure of anything in my life, they say when you know you know. However, my mum is very old school and believes her staying at my house (indefinitely at the moment) is too soon and is making a lot of noise about the situation. Which makes things awkward and puts a dampener on things. Both of us (my partner and I) have been through a lot in life and have both found happiness and just want to live life and enjoy the time we have together as we both know life is too short. Her family have no qualms about it, but my mum is different. I mean, it’s my house; my mortgage and it’s not as if I’m putting her on the mortgage, she’s paying to stay there and it’s in my name and will be for many years to come. Is there anything I can do to try and reassure my mum and get her on the same page? Sorry for the long ramble and it might seem trivial but I genuinely just want to be happy and have people be happy for me. We’ve both got good jobs, education, no children...it’s something we both want and don’t feel it’s rushed for us

If it were me, I'd start telling my mother a bit less about the relationship. It's not for her to tell you when your partner can stay over. It's important to protect yourself financially (eg your house) but you can see how things go with your partner in the meantime.

She's not your partner, she's someone you've just started seeing who you don't know. There is no rush. Take it steady and get to know each other before you rush head in to something. If it's meant to be it'll be just the same in a year's time when uoive had a chance to get to know each other better and see if it's real or just infatuation.

Bloody hell 5 weeks...slowwwww down!

Much too soon to be cohabiting!

Question: you say your new girlfriend is selling ‘their’ house. Do you mean that she bought a house together with her ex?

Well.

I met someone nine weeks ago and we are getting married in May.

She has moved things in here and I have moved things in to hers.

If it’s right it’s right (and until it happened to me I would have said people who thought that were bonkers. Just because something hasnt happened to you doesn’t mean it can’t happen to and be the right outcome for others.)

If it feels right then go for it, just obviously be aware that there will still be things you don’t know about each other.

But why the rush? Surely the downside of rushing that is bigger than the upside. Not even sure what the upside of rushing is honestly. But sure as hell know the downside.

Please explain what the upside of marrying or moving in so quickly is....unless the clock is seriously ticking and you want to start a family married.

I think the likelyhood is that your mum is just trying to look out for you. I don't think much good comes from rushing things. If it's going to work it will work no matter what. Not because it's been rushed. But that's just my opinion

I met my DH and pretty much never went home again, other than to collect my animals. I moved in six weeks after we met. We had a baby then got married a year to the day we met. We'll have been together twenty-five years this month.

I'd test run many others and with this one I just knew.

I think your mom is looking out for you and her heart is in the right place, but ultimately it's your choice. I hope it all works out!

OP - only time will tell if you are indeed a fairytale story or a short-term-intense-lust sort of thing.
These intense feelings of a new relationship are great. So - why not enjoy them.
And co-habiting - maybe not ideal if planned that way - but given the circumstances - why not.
You are a grown man, so don’t worry about your mom. 🤷🏻‍♀️
And living together will quickly make you see how well you actually fit together.

I think slow down a little too op. Give it a few more months at least.

Are you not worried the mundanity of life/ long term relationships will hit far sooner if you rush to move in together than if you carried on dating for longer?

She’s not your partner 5 weeks after meeting. You barely know each other. You’re in the honeymoon phase so of course things seem perfect now. What’s the rush?

You are in the lust/infatuation stage, you don't know this person yet. Your mum is right you need to slow down.

This all sounds like love bombing. There's no rush. If it's meant to be it will still be there in 6 months, a year.

She's not your partner, she's someone you've just started seeing who you don't know

Sort of agree. If it's right and she's 'the one' why the rush. Enjoy the honeymoon phase and getting to know each other, without cohabiting and getting all domestic. Plenty of time for all that in the future.. if first impressions are correct. You're mum is just looking out for you and being sensible, not trying to bring a downer.

I met my now husband December 2013 and he moved in pretty much straight away! we got engaged 5 months later. Got married just under 2 years being together and fell pregnant on our wedding night! We now have two children, second one being born before we hit 6 years together! We'll have been together 7 years this year and married 4. Yes, we are still very much in love
It's your relationship, no one else should be involved! If it's what makes you happy, do it! If you have any reservations then hold off.
Unfortunately if it doesn't work out, you'll more than likely hear a lot of "I told you so's"

I can absolutely understand where your mum is coming from.
You literally don't even know each other.
You can't possibly after 5 weeks.
However...... You are 31. You are a proper grown up (I hope) and it's your life and it's up to you how you live it.
Just reassure her, as you have been doing. That's really all you can do for now.

I can't see the problem really. From a practicality point of view her moving in is like taking on a lodger, but a lodger with no contract so you can ask her to leave at any point. I can't see the problem really so long as she's not on your mortgage and is paying you a fair amount to cover her costs. I moved in with my DH within a month of knowing him as we were inseparable, just couldn't bear being apart. We married within a year and have now been married nearly 33 years, have 3 adult DC and run a business together, so don't let anyone say these relationships don't last.

I was practically living with my partner after a few weeks - I had gone back to my parents after previous relationship ended and he had his own place so I naturally spent more time there, it was closer to work etc. so I gradually just moved in.

After a couple of months my cousin asked me if I'd marry him if he asked and I said yes (I was 30 and he was 36 when we met).

We've been together 19 years and married for 5.

Sometimes I think it's harder the longer you take to live together - my friend split up from her long term partner as both were very settled in their own houses and routines and neither would compromise. When they did live together it all went a bit wrong. At least we found out each other's annoying habits early on!

Can I ask if she is now commuting 1 hour 20 to and from work every day?
Is she now 1 hour 20 away from her family and friends?

I think your mum is being sensible and just trying to protect you. There will be stories where this set up has worked, but these are likely the minority. The problem is that it's such a huge gamble to take when there is no real need to rush things so soon. You risk ruining what could have been a really good thing by too much too soon but even worse than that, you risk finding yourself in a very difficult situation if this person turns out to not be who you thought.

I don't believe you can truly love someone after 5 weeks. You have only seen them putting their best foot forward (as everyone does early in the relationship) and haven't seen how they handle stress, money, illness, arguments, sharing of household responsibilities etc. They likewise haven't seen this side of you either.

Why not wait 6 months and weigh things up again then? It will allow your relationship to develop naturally without the pressure of marraige etc looming after a few short weeks.

I moved in with my now DH after 6 weeks, got engaged after 4 months, married a year later. Baby due any day and we are very happy 6 years on. We were 35 and 40.

Family were initially sceptical but accepted we were old enough to make our own choices. Do what you like!

However I was the home owner, and I rented mine out so we rented together for 18 months before buying together. Kept it all nice and neutral.

My fiance and I were the same. We just knew right from the first date. We told each other we love you by date two, lived together after 2 months and got engaged after 5 months. We have been together now for 3 years. There wasn't one person who said we were moving too fast in fact everyone wished us luck. You have no children to consider so just don't tell anyone details about your relationship and just do what is right for you and your partner.