Moving too fast - but not for us

[Elizabeth245]

I met my partner 5 weeks ago. We’re 31 and 29 and have both had similar backgrounds, awful relationships, steep life lessons and heartbreak and we’re both very aware of what we want and don’t want in a potential partner and won’t settle for less. We met 5 weeks ago and have literally been inseparable since. Both of us have never felt like this before and everything just seems to have fallen into place. We’re so comfortable with eachother, can talk about anything, have met each other’s families (and for the first time our families have both approved of who we are seeing). My new partner is currently selling their house that they shared with their ex (the relationship was over a long time ago and they have minimal contact, which is only to do the house process). As we see each other regularly and the drive to see each other is around 1hr 20, she’s brought some stuff over and has moved in with me for a while to see how things go. I know I’m going to marry this girl, I’ve never felt so sure of anything in my life, they say when you know you know. However, my mum is very old school and believes her staying at my house (indefinitely at the moment) is too soon and is making a lot of noise about the situation. Which makes things awkward and puts a dampener on things. Both of us (my partner and I) have been through a lot in life and have both found happiness and just want to live life and enjoy the time we have together as we both know life is too short. Her family have no qualms about it, but my mum is different. I mean, it’s my house; my mortgage and it’s not as if I’m putting her on the mortgage, she’s paying to stay there and it’s in my name and will be for many years to come. Is there anything I can do to try and reassure my mum and get her on the same page? Sorry for the long ramble and it might seem trivial but I genuinely just want to be happy and have people be happy for me. We’ve both got good jobs, education, no children...it’s something we both want and don’t feel it’s rushed for us

If it goes wrong she’s the one taking almost all the risk, moving locations and into your property.

Well just as a counterbalance to all the happy tales, I knew the ex was 'the one' within 2 weeks, and he felt exactly the same.

6 years later he was sent to prison for domestic violence, stalking and criminal damage (it was his second conviction for what he did to me) - after 5 and a half years of hell.

There's a reason the advice is to hold onto your heart for 90 days - that's the amount of time it takes for people to come off their 'best behaviour'. It's the amount of time needed to see them in all sorts of situations.

If you are going to be together forever, there's no rush. But then again, if you go hell for leather, at least if one of you is an abuser then the mask may drop faster if you are living together. :-(

Healthy people find the rush inappropriate. They recognise that being 'in love' so soon means you are in love with a whole load of wishes, hopes, assumptions and projections, all wrapped up in the image of the new girl/boyfriend.

Hold onto your heart, OP.

You're 31. Ditto what another poster said about not needing your mother's permission to have people staying over.

It sounds like you're doing the right things financially. As long as you're not taking any risks and she's contributing when she stays what is the harm. You can explain that to your mum and then say it's not up for further discussion.

Also share less info about your relationship. As you can see from the replies people will want you to wait for something. There is no right amount of time. When you know you know 🤷

Healthy people find the rush inappropriate. They recognise that being 'in love' so soon means you are in love with a whole load of wishes, hopes, assumptions and projections, all wrapped up in the image of the new girl/boyfriend.

This.

It just all sounds so desperate.

Nobody has been able to answer yet my earlier question - what is the upside of rushing? Unless your biological clock is seriously ticking. But at age 29 it’s not!

Also had she bought a house together with her ex - you say ‘their house’. That would’ve a worry for me too if I were your mum

I never thought I was “in love” after 6 weeks, but I knew I wanted to see what happened. Perfectly happy, healthy, professional adults - we just think life is too short to overthink it.

No-one was at risk, no financial issues, so the worst thing that could have happened is it didn’t last. So much unnecessary pearl clutching by uber conventional people on here!

@Expo what is the point in waiting?

No rushing, just moving at their own pace the way I see it.

@santalsreal the point of waiting is to get to know the other person so you can save a lot of hassle and heartache if you realise you actually aren’t compatible or you don’t like them. I just don’t think the benefits of rushing outweighs the downside of that. But hey ho everyone is different and I wish the OP all the best. I can understand why the mother is worried and concerned that’s all. She is looking out for her child and giving another perspective I think that is a caring thing to do.

5 weeks = best behaviour

My son's fiancee never went home after their second date. They'be been together 9 years now.

Early 30s when they met, he was in an HMO they got a flat together after about 2 months and have been in their jointly owned house about 7 years

So many people are going to tell you to slow down, it’s too fast, but if it feels right for the both of you, I say go for it!! Every relationship is a gamble. You might spend years taking it slowly, only to have it not work out 🤷‍♀️

My DH and I moved in together pretty much straight away after meeting. Nearly four years later, we’re married and second bub is on the way.

Do what feels right for you both. Maybe tell your mum less and make it clear to her that, while you appreciate her concern, this is your life, not hers.

You don't have kids, so knock yourself out.

You barely know each other.

What have you given up to have all this time together?

Have you had an argument yet?

5 months would be too quick for me, let alone 5 weeks

People are right that not all relationships like this last but some do. My friend replied to an ad in the local newspaper. She met him on the Tuesday and he moved in the following Saturday. Foolhardy one might think but they celebrated their 24th wedding anniversary this year.

@Elizabeth245 I understand how you’re feeling, I’ve been there. Lots of people have said it’s worked out for them, mine worked out for 11 years, I was pregnant (planned) within 4 months of us being together.

Looking back it was absolute madness. I thought I knew him but all I could go off was what he’d told me, words not actions.
I met my partner 5 weeks ago. We’re 31 and 29 and have both had similar backgrounds, awful relationships, steep life lessons and heartbreak and we’re both very aware of what we want and don’t want in a potential partner and won’t settle for less.

I’m sorry but you haven’t known each other long enough to be aware of what the other one is really like. Someone might say they have shared values but they could easily just be saying whatever you want to hear. Maybe you’ve struck lucky and they’re not a liar, great but your mum is just being cautious as they don’t want to see their child get hurt again (previous awful relationships, heartbreaks? Just how awful were your past relationships by the way? Have they left you vulnerable? When we leave an awful relationship for a new one it’s easy to mistake an ok relationship for a great one just because it’s not as bad as the last one).

When we leave an awful relationship for a new one it’s easy to mistake an ok relationship for a great one just because it’s not as bad as the last one).
Patronising, much?

Grown up are generally able to figure these things out for themselves and make a judgment on the risks.

Personally, I am 44. I don’t want to spend two or three year getting to know someone.

I have met someone who I believe is the one for me, and while we have the chance we both want to make the most of the time we have been given together.
Must be horrible to always be looking for and suspecting the worst from people, waiting for the their (assumed) negative traits to emerge.
Grab life by the horns and run with something if it feels good. None of us know what tomorrow has in store, could be a life changing diagnosis or a horrific accident for all we know, so make the most of what you have and maybe by setting out with the right mindset you will see more good than bad in others.

Just my thoughts. Mileage will vary due to personal circumstances etc

Must be horrible to always be looking for and suspecting the worst from people, waiting for the their (assumed) negative traits to emerge.

It is horrible but it's the reality of the world. There are lots of predatory people out there just waiting to take advantage of someone else. I used to be very trusting, always gave people the benefit of the doubt and tried to see the good in everyone. After dating several abusive men (who were all lovely at 5 weeks btw) and being conned out of money, I would rather be cautious about these things. I will also be advising my DC to do the same.

I actually see how naive it was of me to be so trusting of other people and I dont think you should give anyone the benefit of the doubt. Give people a chance to show you who they are sure, but blindly trusting feelings over logic is dangerous IMO.

It may not even be about waiting for their horrible traits to emerge, just to see if you're compatible. And I don't care what anyone says, if you've moved in together you're more likely to excuse things and compromise because it's harder to extricate yourself than if you're not living together.

, if you've moved in together you're more likely to excuse things and compromise because it's harder to extricate yourself than if you're not living together

Now. Maybe I am odd, but I don’t see the above as a negative to be honest.

I am 44. If I meet someone next week and date them once a week for the next six months, then up it to twice a week, then who knows what for how long, I am still NEVER going to find someone that I can live with without making some accommodation and compromise for the way they are.

Every relationship needs an element of compromise from both sides. My ex wouldn’t and claimed that any compromise on anything from her side was her “changing” or “being controlled”.

Obviously there is a limit, but to try and find a partnership that doesn’t require you to change or compromise on anything about your life is a sure fire way to being single forever (which obviously suits many people completely)

OP I've been with my DH 9 years (married for 5). He was my second ever online date and I pretty much moved in with him after a couple of months. We didn't tell our families as both had our own places and didn't feel the need to share every detail of where we were with the relationship. They just kind of got the gist as time went on haha.

What I'm saying in a roundabout way is - enjoy this time, you both sound lovely and I hope it works out. But don't feel that you need to seek approval / validation for every decision from your respective families.