Unfulfilled promise

[ghi30lkr]

Not sure what to do anymore. I need space/quiet time in my life to be fully happy and functional. This means totally alone me-time at home, where I have this total silence, or the music I like to listen to, or whatever other conditions I need. To be away from everyone and everything. I have a full time Mon-Fri work and very social hobby couple of hours per week. So I really need a couple of hours per week my alone time as well. My partner however has nothing going on in his life except his full-time job during similar hours than mine and thus is always at home after work and during weekends. When we moved in together, I tried to adjust and deal with it. But the more time passed, the more difficult it was for me. I tried going walks alone or staying longer to work, but that does not help. I suggested him things to do alone outside, but he has not picked anything up. To be honest, I have told him from the beginning that I need space in relationship, he says OK, but then nothing happens. I finally started saying directly that I really need some alone time at home to be fully functional. It seemed he finally really understood it. He found a group activity he could like. But has now delayed joining the activity for a few months. Every month he says that he will start the next month.

I get that it is totally unfair for him to tell him to get out of the house, but my need to be alone is something I cannot cope without. I have suggested we are not compatible due to this and perhaps we should not be together, because I really do not want to make him uncomfortable. But he said that no, he wanted to stay together and that he would find a way to give me my time. Moreover, he often says he needs to be active and healthy as well, so a group activity with training aspect in it would benefit him. I have waited for months now, and this anticipation has kept me going. But now I get the feeling that it will not happen anytime soon.

I'm afraid to ask him the question whether he starts his activity or not. Because I'm not sure what to do when he says "no".

I have tried to adjust with it for a year now and while I have gotten more used to not having my own time, I still feel constant irritation inside myself. It also exhibits itself in my behavior towards him, when the need to be alone escalates - I am withdrawn and somewhat pouting and I cannot help it.

He is mostly a good man and it feels silly to break up over such thing. But I also feel silly that I just accept that my most important need will not be fulfilled. I also feel silly of even needing what I need, especially as I have already coped for a year and perhaps it gets better over time. Perhaps I'm most upset because of him promising me for months something and than not fulfilling his promise.

I just do not know how to handle it, to be honest. I must ask him, because just ignoring it does not help. But how to handle the answer, I really do not know.

Do you have children? If not, end it. You do sound incompatible. If you're without children it can be a clean break.

You are incompatible, no point prolonging the misery, part ways on good terms before you end up really resentful.

Firstly to address how you feel right now, could he book into a hotel overnight and give you an evening and morning all to yourself? Perhaps you could offer to sort the admin. Maybe find somewhere with a pool if budget allows.

I understand your predicament. I can relate to the need but it's not a very nice thing to be asking for. He is a grown up and we need to compromise in relationships but from his point of view there may be quite large barriers such as social anxiety which make joining a new group very difficult. There's obviously something blocking him joining this group, because he hasn't done it, and he doesn't sound like a selfish man. Try and find another way round it that doesn't have such big barriers, and preferably doesn't put all the onus on him. I know you are feeling stressed but you don't seem very aware or interested in his point of view on this. That could be the key to finding an arrangement that works for you both.

What else can you (plural) change? Could you adjust your working time so you get half an hour at home before or after work? Or could he change his working hours to accommodate this? How about he does the weekly shop in person, which would give you maybe an hour and a half at the weekend. Could you work through lunch one day a week and leave early? Or could he do the hotel stay thing as a regular, but not frequent, thing? If he meets up with parents or friends, could he do that without you sometimes?

Isn't there anywhere you can go to be alone? Isn't the onus on you to go somewhere really as you're the one who needs the space? I don't think I'd take very well to being kicked out of my home either.

We have talked about his barriers. He has admitted he has some anxiety and he has even had councelling for it. After the counselling he started being more aware of my need and then he found the activity he would be interested. It was his own idea to finally give it a try to a group activity (he has been in social activities in his earlier years). I have asked about his fears and barriers, he has said that he has some fears but he does not want these to restrict him anymore. When I have suggested other things, he always has found something he does not like about these things. I have suggested him giving just a try, one or two times, so he can be really sure that he does not like it. I am very interested in his view, but I get mixed signals. At one point he says he is afraid, then we talk this thourgh, then he says he wants it and then we are back in square one.

I also feel reluctant doing more compromises myself, to be honest. I have already cut back my hobby time to compromise his need to spend more time with me. I have cut back my time with my family and friends living rather far away from me. He wants to go out of house every weekend both days, but as I am the only one he wants to go out with, I have made myself do it, although I would prefer to stay in at least one day per weekend to do my own things. If I do not want to go out, he would stay at home too and then would be a bit sulky because he does not like staying indoors the whole weekend. I feel like I have changed my life for him already, but he has not made any compromises compared to his "previous" life at all.

This really sounds awful. I understand now how much bitterness I have inside myself. It is not fair on him, I understand. But it feels like an impossible challenge. I know it sounds the right thing to do to break up? But he does not want it and I do not want it also.

Regarding other possibilities, it is not possible for neither of us to change our working hours. He would not be keen on spending time in a hotel alone - and I really understand it. He could go visit his parents sometimes on weekends, but he does not want to - only wants to go with me. He has not given me a straight answer why he does not want to (they do get along really well). Me going away for a night for example is not an option because he is already home alone when I am spending time in my social activity, so it would mean more alone time for him. Him doing some social-training activity would benefit us both - I could get alone time, he would not be alone during the time and he could also get fit (what he has said he'd like to for as long as we have dated).

I guess I have no other option to just ask him again about his plans and see what he says.

I don't understand this. If you need to be alone, instead of asking him to go do something he doesn't really want to and to leave his home, surly the onus is on you to find someplace to be alone?

I'd be really fucked off if my husband told me he needed to be alone so could I fuck off out the house whilst he does it. If he needs to be alone, then he should sod off and find some place to be alone.

Also if a woman posted that her husband said he needed alone time so she had to fuck off out the house every week whilst he had it, even though she didn't wish to the responses would be an outcry.

I think you are being really unfair and in the wrong here to expect him to go off somewhere when you need space. The onus is upon you to do that. Do you have children, how do/would you cope with that? I think you sound incompatible but then you would have the same problem with almost everyone else.

This is why I won't live with anyone ever again. He sounds like he's suffocating you and quite needy. To me, you're incompatible.

Why can you not have your own time with him still in the house, why does he need to leave his home for this to happen? DP and I understand each other's need for time to ourselves, so we will take ourselves off to different parts of the house. I'll go for a bath once DC are in bed, or he'll watch a film downstairs sometimes and if it's something I'm not interested in I'll have an early night and read my book in bed. I don't see why he needs to be out the house completely for you to have your own time, relationships don't work like this.

Can you buy some good, noise-cancelling headphones to wear in the house? Then find yourself a quiet corner to sit, so you can't hear him, but you can still be 'there', if you see what I mean?

I had a past partner who said he just wanted space and to be alone to decompress when he got in from work and I actually found it rather hurtful, as though he was implying that I was in his face the second he walked through the door. He used to sit with headphones on playing his music on the computer, while I did bits and pieces around him and it made me feel a bit less hurt about the whole thing.

I get that and I have explained it to him, that I feel I put him in an unfair place to ask him to go out and do something due to my need. I have suggested break up, but he does not want it and says he has would accept my need and do something about it. I have suggested going away to be alone, but he does not like it, because then he would have to be alone at home, which he does not like (he does not like being alone).

So I guess the most confusing part is that he says he understand my need, he does not want to break up over this, he does not want me to be away from home to have my own time and says he would find something he could do, but then drags his feet.

I feel so sad for myself and for him. But you are right, I guess I should offer him again that I would just find my own place to be when I need my time.

oh I understand OP. I love my own space. Just relaxing in a clean house with papers, a book and coffee (or wine). But I'm single and wouldn't live with anyone for this reason. I agree with PP, I don't think you can ask him to leave his own home. Is there a room you can commandeer for yourself? I've created my own sitting room so I can get away from the noise of the children (although they also like my sitting room and often follow me there or beat me to it) and also I have my bedroom which is an absolute haven for me.

Otherwise maybe you need to either find something to do outside the home (running or yoga works for me when I need some space from my children) or accept you're incompatible (at least as far as living together goes).

I have tried this option that we would just both do our own thing in our corners. But he keeps coming to poke me every now and then and so I cannot fully relax. It feels bad to remind him, that I do my own thing now.

I guess incompatibility it is. Because I feel like I cannot win. If I want him to go out - I put too much pressure on him. If I go out myself to be alone, he is upset that I leave him home alone.

But I guess I try to speak to him again. And offer again the solution of me going out then. But I guess I must prepare myself to accept the situation and carry on or accept we are not compatible and break up.

Would putting a summer house in your garden so you have somewhere to escape to for your alone time work? I enjoy time on my own too so I do understand your need have that time.

OP I am exactly the same as you. It sounds as though you have offered him several alternatives, including that he stays home and you go out to have your alone time elsewhere, and yet he won't accept any of it because he only wants to be with you. All I can say is my ex partner was the same way and ... he is now an ex and I live on my own and it is far better for me this way.

But there are definitely people out there who can be less clingy and will not just talk the talk about understanding your needs, but will make compromises to accommodate them (as you have compromised to accommodate your partner's needs).

Best wishes. You are not a bad person, you sound very caring, you just need space.

If it was only the alone time that was bothering you, I’d suggest you book yourself a travelodge or similar on a regular basis and do it that way. But you seem
so mismatched regarding family time, hobbies and basic compatibility .

You don’t need his permission to finish it, he can’t dictate you carry on with the relationship. You have control over who you spend your time with and who you are in a relationship with

I can understand how frustrating and trying it must be when you both have different relationships styles and needs,but I am wondering if it needs to be all or nothing when thinking about a resolution?

Is it possible that you could stay in a relationship but not live together?

MN madder than ever. OP’s home, he moves in and won’t give OP space but ‘the onus is on [OP]’ to go elsewhere? No! Time in your house by yourself is different from other time. It’s OP’s house, the incomer should allow OP boundaries.

OP, throw him out. You don’t have to split up. Many couples live apart. Your needs shouldn’t be overruled.

You might need to re-evaluate this relationship.

In order for you to look after yourself and you mental health, you need a couple of hours alone. Instead of listening to that and finding something to do the man who supposedly loves you, pokes you while you are trying to relax!

This is not a good long term partner. We have kids and we both need time out. We try and ensure that over the weekend we both get a couple of hours on our own. Whether it is reading a book in a cafe or going for a walk or something that ensures we get some time to decompress. We both know it makes us better parents and better partners.

You have asked and he has said yes but done nothing. You have continued to ask so much and he has continued to do nothing and now you don’t want to ask again. So he gets what he wants and you get more and more stressed.

That’s not love

Honestly just go out. He doesn't like it? Tough, that isn't your problem.
It also sounds like you aren't being very clear in communicating your need, gently prodding him into getting a hobby. You need to say to him
"I need time alone in order to destress and re-engergise, I'm an introvert and that's how we work. I need this for a couple of hours every week starting this week. How are we going to make sure that happens?"

BTW I need this too and it's more difficult than ever with 2 small children. Every now and then I book a day of annual leave when DH is at work and the kids are at nursery and it is AMAZING. I bake, read, watch Netflix and don't say I single word out loud all day. I feel brand new afterwards.

Ok so this needs reframing. The problem is not an unfulfilled promise or inaction, it's the really fundamental problem that you want time apart and he specifically does not. This is what you need to hammer out. Ultimately of course you do not need his permission to break up or move out.

I'm not keen to cry "LTB" but you might need some fundamental redrawing of the boundaries such as moving out, and you might need to draw that boundary because he won't. Relationships come in all shapes and sizes - living together is optional - but living together is causing tension and living apart would also cause tension (because he would want to see more of you) so yes I can see the dilemma.

Telling him he is not welcome in his own home is not a kind way forward and it simply hasn't worked. All I can suggest is you talk about it in term of your different needs. There is no point in offering to break up or offering to move out - there is nothing in either of those for him, so why on earth would he say yes? You need to tell him that's what's happening if you can't both agree, and stick to, another way forward.

wow the sheer lack of understanding for the OP is crazy! its perfectly normal to want time alone- and tbh the op's other half sounds clingy and somewhat co-dependant - a trait I recognise form my ex- always wanted to be doing things together - including me being stuck inside of a weekend watching him play ridiculous computer games when I would have preferred being out doing things on at least 1 of the days - but he hated not spending time with me- this failed in the end as I hated gaming- and eventually just used to leave- he didn't notice really anyway- selfish bastard

I grew up fiercely independent as a matter of necessity- always done my own thing or what was needed at the time- don't like being tied down or restricted in my movements or life- it makes me twitch and get ansty- much like the op - my coping mechanism became taking a long route back from work or an errand- finding a nice field gateway and pulling over and reading for 45 minutes with the door open, or just walking around the field - however I understand completely the desire to just have the house to yourself for even an hour just to relax- especially if you are the 1 that has made the most compromises to move in the first place

op- in all honesty - and I know you said you don't want to break up- but you do sound incompatible with this - and the bit of resentment there will continue to grow - and he sounds as if he is unwilling to compromise - as much as he is trying to portray other-wise

I agree with having the conversation- but maybe say that you are struggling - and need the decompression time - if he is unwilling to compromise on this then you feel that the relationship is becoming un-equal.

make him see that the compromises are needed on both sides - not just ours and that he needs to shift his backside or risk loosing you due to his inability to compromise.